Pirate Pandemonium

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘Yes,’ said Ryan. ‘Flower Fairies. Mrs Earwigger has got a Flower Fairies Address Book, and it’s her most favourite book and she wants everyone in Class Five to dress up as a Flower Fairy.’ For some reason Ryan didn’t sound too enthusiastic about the idea.

  ‘Yes, that sounds very interesting,’ said Miss Pandemonium, who wasn’t at all sure that Book Weeks were meant to celebrate address books. ‘And are you all looking forward to being Flower Fairies?’

  This question produced an explosion of answers. ‘In that case,’ said Miss Pandemonium, ‘we had better think of something else. How about Winnie-the-Pooh?’

  ‘Winnie-the-Pooh stinks,’ muttered Tony, much to everyone’s amusement.

  ‘Robinson Crusoe?’ Miss Pandemonium offered.

  ‘There’s only one Robinson Crusoe,’ Cleo pointed out. ‘We can’t all be Robinson Crusoe.’

  ‘Very true,’ murmured Miss P. ‘All right, what about Peter Pan?’

  ‘There are fairies in Peter Pan,’ grumbled James, ‘and loads of goody-goodies.’

  ‘Yeah, but there’s Captain Hook and his pirates,’ said Samantha. ‘I could be Captain Hook.’

  ‘You’re a girl!’ yelled Darren. ‘Girls can’t be pirate captains!’

  ‘Who says!’ screeched Samantha, jumping to her feet and fixing Darren with a murderous stare.

  ‘Why don’t we all be pirates?’ said Miss Pandemonium calmly. ‘We don’t have to do Peter Pan at all. We can do a class topic on pirates and then everyone can be a pirate.’

  This last suggestion seemed to go down pretty well, until Tom said that girls couldn’t be pirates because girls were too girly and didn’t know how to hold a sword properly and could never kill anyone because they’d be too busy wanting to be nurses instead. ‘They’d stick their sword in someone and then say, “Oh, terribly sorry, have I made you bleed? Here, let me bandage it up for you”.’

  The boys roared with laughter, until Samantha stood on her chair and glared at them furiously. ‘I bet girls make much better pirates than boys,’ she shouted, daring the boys to say otherwise.

  Darren and Wayne needed no encouragement. They leapt from their tables, brandishing their rulers fiercely. ‘Come on then, prove it!’ they challenged. Within seconds there was a full-scale battle between the boys on one side and the girls on the other. Rulers flashed in the sunlight, fierce faces growled and gnashed their teeth, while Miss Pandemonium seized a metre ruler and stood on her desk, urging the girls on to victory, waving her metre-sword round her head and bashing the light fittings several times as she did so.

  ‘Charge!’ screamed Samantha, hurling herself across the classroom.

  ‘Stand by to repel boarders!’ roared Mike.

  Just as the fight reached fever pitch, the door opened and Mrs Earwigger marched straight in, blowing a shrill whistle. Everyone stopped and looked at the deputy head. Mrs Earwigger glared up at Miss Pandemonium.

  ‘What on earth is going on in here?’ demanded Mrs Earwigger.

  ‘We were trying to decide if women pirates are better than men pirates,’ Miss Pandemonium explained, as she struggled to replace one of the light fittings she had knocked down. ‘I think it was pretty even actually. What do you think, Mrs Earwigger?’

  ‘What do I think? I have never heard anything like it in my life.’

  ‘You’ve never heard pirates fighting before?’ asked Miss Pandemonium.

  ‘No, of course not! I mean, it’s ridiculous. And you – you’re standing on your desk.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Teachers don’t stand on their desks in this school!’ snapped the deputy.

  ‘Oh. Why’s that?’ asked Miss Pandemonium innocently. ‘You see, this is the quarterdeck really. I was standing on the quarterdeck to get a better view of my pirate crew.’

  ‘Your pirate crew!’

  ‘Yes. We’ve decided to be pirates for Book Week. That’s our topic.’

  ‘But you can’t. You’re a Flower Fairy. You’re all Flower Fairies.’ Mrs Earwigger was beside herself.

  ‘Not any more,’ Miss Pandemonium explained. ‘We’ve decided we prefer being pirates, haven’t we, children?’

  The astonished children nodded dumbly. Mrs Earwigger was totally gobsmacked. She drew in her breath sharply, closed her mouth and began her party trick.

  ‘Air pressure,’ hissed Gary. ‘You watch.’ And everyone did, as Mrs Earwigger’s mouth crumpled up and all of a sudden vanished. The deputy head stalked out of the room and slammed the door shut. There was a sigh of relief from the children and they went back to their chairs.

  ‘You’re in trouble now, miss,’ said Samantha, with some admiration.

  ‘Why, what have I done?’

  ‘You’ve changed her Book Week plan. We’re going to be pirates and that’s going to be much better than what Class Six are going to be. Nobody’s supposed to be better than Class Six because it’s Mrs Earwigger’s class and they’re always the best. Nobody has ever changed what Mrs Earwigger says, and you answered back to her.’

  ‘You’re not supposed to answer back,’ explained Kimberley. ‘You’re just supposed to listen. Even Mr Kuddle doesn’t answer back to Mrs Earwigger.’

  ‘Really? How strange. Tell me, what is Class Six’s topic?’

  ‘Roman Gods and Goddesses,’ announced Dawn. ‘Class Six do Gods and Goddesses every time we dress up for Book Week. They come as Jupiter and Venus and Mars and all that lot. Then they all stand around looking very snooty and they order everyone about.’

  ‘I see,’ murmured Miss Pandemonium. ‘I must admit that Gods and Goddesses doesn’t sound terribly exciting. Well, I think we had better get on with our topic. I guess we have proved that girls can be good pirates too and in fact there used to be quite a lot of famous women pirates that sailed the seven seas.’

  ‘Is that true, miss?’ asked Samantha, who was just as amazed to hear this as everyone else.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Miss Pandemonium. ‘Several of them ended up walking the plank, just like the men pirates.’

  ‘Can we do walking the plank as well, miss?’ asked Wayne. ‘I’d like to be in charge of that.’

  ‘Maybe we’ll leave that till a bit later. What we need to do first is find out about pirates – how they lived, how they dressed and so on, so that we get some ideas for what we want to wear and what we are going to do.’

  There was an immediate rush to the book shelves in the classroom to see what could be discovered about pirates, and Miss Pandemonium settled down to a peaceful morning. As the children started to collect the information they needed Miss Pandemonium turned her thoughts to the deputy head. What a strange woman Mrs Earwigger was, and why did everyone do what she said all the time?

  3 Battle Commences

  Mrs Earwigger stood in Mr Kuddle’s little office glaring down her nose at the head teacher. Mr Kuddle sat hunched at his desk, looking distinctly uncomfortable. It was a big desk and he was very fond of it – when he sat on the far side it was difficult for anyone to get near him, especially Mrs Earwigger. Mr Kuddle spent a lot of his time making sure that there was as much distance between himself and Mrs Earwigger as possible.

  ‘She was standing on her table, Mr Kuddle,’ snapped the deputy head. ‘The children were fighting and this … woman … was encouraging them. Now, what are we going to do about it?’

  ‘This is Miss Pandemonium’s first day here,’ began Mr Kuddle. ‘I think we should all be friends. A friendly school is a happy school.’

  ‘Mr Kuddle, Class Five were practising at being pirates,’ explained Mrs Earwigger. The head teacher mumbled something about pirates being very appropriate for Class Five, but luckily the deputy didn’t hear him. ‘What is more,’ she continued, ‘Class Five are going to be pirates for the whole of Book Week.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  ‘It is not a good idea at all, Mr Kuddle,’ snapped Mrs Earwigger. ‘If you remember, I have already decided what everyone will be for our Book Week. Mrs Patel is going
to be Snow White and her four-year-olds are going to be the seven dwarfs.’

  ‘But there are twenty-seven children in Mrs Patel’s reception class, not seven.’

  ‘I am well aware of that, Mr Kuddle, but they are the only children small enough to be dwarfs,’ Mrs Earwigger pointed out with flawless logic.

  ‘Mrs Patel is not exactly, er …’ Poor Mr Kuddle struggled to find the right words.

  ‘I agree that Mrs Patel is not ideal for Snow White. She is rather large and fifty-three years old, but I’m sure her little dwarfs won’t mind.’

  Mr Kuddle wasn’t so sure about this, but he didn’t have the courage to pursue it further. ‘What about Class Two?’ he sighed.

  ‘Noddy and the Toyland folk,’ said his deputy cheerfully, and she carried on with her list. ‘Class Three are going to be rabbit.’

  ‘Rabbits? All of them?’

  ‘Yes, you know, Flopsy, Mopsy, Popsy Wopsy, Topsy, Bopsy, Slopsy, Chopsy … all those rabbits that Beatrix Potter wrote about.’

  ‘I’m not sure there was a Popsy,’ began Mr Kuddle, ‘or a Slopsy, or a Topsy for that matter.’

  ‘There’s no point in getting picky about it, Mr Kuddle. Class Three are all going to be rabbits. Besides, we’re getting off the point. The reason I am here is because Miss Pandemonium has told Class Five they can be pirates, and it doesn’t fit in with my Book Week plans at all, so what are you going to do about it?’

  The head teacher tugged nervously at his big moustache. ‘Let’s give Miss Pandemonium a day or two to settle in. Remember that she has got Class Five, and they are a difficult bunch.’

  ‘I’m sure I’d have no difficulties with them,’ snapped the deputy.

  ‘No,’ agreed Mr Kuddle, thinking that Mrs Earwigger wouldn’t have any difficulty wrestling Jaws with her bare hands. ‘But Miss Pandemonium has only just arrived at the school and she is helping us out until Mrs Colon comes back.’ Mr Kuddle suddenly felt rather brave. ‘I say we let the children be pirates.’

  Mrs Earwigger stared at the head teacher. She couldn’t believe her ears. Mr Kuddle was actually daring to oppose her. He had never opposed her in all the five years that he had been head. It was all that wretched woman’s doing: Miss Pandemonium had a lot to answer for. ‘You are going to allow Class Five to be pirates?’

  Mr Kuddle swallowed hard and nodded, trying to avoid the spear-like glare that Mrs Earwigger had stabbed him with.

  ‘You will let them run riot all over the school, causing mayhem and injury?’

  ‘I don’t think it will be like that,’ murmured Mr Kuddle, desperately hoping that it wouldn’t. ‘I’m quite sure that Miss Pandemonium will have everything under control.’

  ‘On your head be it,’ snapped the deputy, and she stalked out, slamming the door. Mr Kuddle closed his eyes and began to plan his next summer holiday. Would South America be far enough away?

  Mrs Earwigger stood outside the door for a moment, recovering her composure. She patted her black beehive so that it stood straight and tall. Her eyes narrowed until they were thin, determined slits. There was no way she was going to have all her plans changed by a mere supply teacher like Miss Pandemonium. Oh no, that woman was in for a very nasty shock.

  By the middle of the afternoon, Class Five were deep into pirate lore and had begun collecting ideas for what kind of pirates they wanted to be. Wayne was so taken with having a black eyepatch that he decided he was going to wear two.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Cleo snorted. ‘If you wear two you’ll be blind.’

  ‘So? I can be a blind pirate if I want to.’ But even Wayne didn’t sound too convinced.

  ‘It says here that pirates often kept pets on board ship,’ Michelle called out. ‘I’m going to be a pirate with a pet.’

  ‘You’ve only got a stick insect at home,’ shouted James. ‘How can you be a pirate with a stick insect?’

  ‘Yeah, but my uncle’s got a monkey and I’m going to bring that in.’

  ‘Your uncle’s never got a monkey!’ James was distinctly jealous.

  ‘Has, so there.’

  ‘Well, he’ll never let you bring it in,’ said James, but Michelle just smiled at him and stuck out her tongue.

  ‘Are you going to be a pirate, miss?’ Darren asked Miss Pandemonium.

  ‘Oh yes. I’ve already decided who I’m going to be, I shall be Captain Blackbeard.’

  ‘Oh! We thought you’d be a woman pirate.’

  ‘I could be, but I’ve always fancied being Blackbeard. He had a long, wild black hair, and he used to tie gunpowder fuses into it and light them before he leapt on to the enemy ship. He must have looked terrifying.’

  ‘Sounds a bit like Mrs Earwigger,’ muttered Jennifer, and everyone laughed.

  ‘Can we have a boat?’ Gary suddenly asked.

  ‘Gary!’ the whole class chorused. ‘You’re so stupid!’

  But Miss Pandemonium thought it was an excellent suggestion. ‘We can’t have a real boat, but why don’t we turn this classroom into our pirate galleon? Look, the windows down the side can be our gun-ports …’

  ‘Yeah – brilliant! We can make cannons and stick them out of the window and shoot everyone,’ cried Stewart.

  ‘And we can make prisoners walk the plank,’ hissed Samantha Boggis, looking directly at the hapless Gary. ‘I’m going to enjoy this.’

  Miss Pandemonium gazed at the sea of happy, interested faces. This was going to be a lovely week, she thought. Little did she realize just what Class Five would get up to – let alone Class Six. Class Six was the top class, the oldest class, and it was Mrs Earwigger’s class. Nobody was allowed to teach Year Six children except Mrs Earwigger. This could have been because Mrs Earwigger didn’t like little children who needed their laces tying and their noses wiped; who couldn’t hold scissors properly and had a habit of being sick in the sand tray.

  It could have been because the youngest children knew the least, so they needed the most teaching. It could also have been because teaching Year Six children was, compared to meeting the demands of the very young, quite an easy life. Or it could have been, as Mrs Earwigger always claimed, that Year Six were the most demanding children who required the finest teaching possible – in other words hers.

  Class Six were not looking forward to Book Week. They knew exactly what to expect, and when Mrs Earwigger told them they could all come as Roman Gods and Goddesses they just gazed glumly at each other. She pinned a list next to the blackboard from which the children could choose such delightfully interesting characters as Cupid, Aurora, Mercury and so on.

  Class Six were so excited by this that they couldn’t even speak and, eventually, when one boy did manage to say something it sounded surprisingly like a groan of despair.

  Mrs Earwigger spent the whole lunch hour and half the afternoon with her brain in a whirl. It was as if all the bees in her beehive hairdo had escaped into her brain, and there they buzzed, menacingly. What could she do to outsmart that wretched Miss Pandemonium? If Class Five dressed up as pirates they would steal the show. The whole point of giving stupid topics to the other classes was so that Class Six, her class, would appear wonderful. If only she had thought of letting Class Six be pirates. Pirates? It was monstrous!

  By the time the end of the day arrived, Mrs Earwigger was still seething – she still hadn’t come up with a plan that would put Miss Pandemonium in her place. The deputy head sent the children home in a fit of bad temper – not that they noticed, she seemed the same as usual to them – and spent the whole evening racking her brains for a solution.

  4 Give Us Your Treasure!

  A distant wail could be heard, rapidly approaching the school. ‘It’s Miss Pandemonium,’ said Gary, and he was right. Violet’s ambulance skidded into the car park and screeched to a halt. She jumped out, dropped half her bags, and skipped across the playground towards Class Five. The children watched from the windows.

  ‘Do you think she’s mad?’ wondered Tina.

  ‘I don’
t care,’ Ryan said. ‘She’s changed The Earwig’s plans, and I reckon she deserves a medal for bravery.’

  The classroom door burst open and Miss Pandemonium rushed in, spilling the contents of one bag across the floor and knocking six plants from their tray before finally reaching her desk.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ she cried, ‘but my hamster got sucked up by the vacuum cleaner. I switched to BLOW, and the poor thing shot back out and landed in my bowl of cornflakes. I had to take him to the bathroom for a shampoo and blow-dry. He’s all right now, thank goodness, but I think he’s gone off cornflakes.’

  ‘She is mad,’ whispered Tracey to Samantha.

  ‘Is Michelle here yet?’ asked Violet, smiling cheerfully at everyone.

  ‘Over here, miss.’

  ‘Did you get your uncle’s monkey?’ asked Miss Pandemonium.

  ‘No, miss, he was out.’ This was greeted by a roar from James.

  ‘I said you didn’t have a monkey. I said you wouldn’t bring it in.’

  ‘I do! I will! You see if I don’t! I can’t help it if my uncle was out.’

  ‘Yeah? I bet you haven’t even got an uncle, let alone a monkey.’

  James! Michelle!’ cried Violet. ‘I don’t want to hear any more about it. The monkey isn’t here today and that’s fine. Perhaps you will be able to get hold of it for tomorrow, Michelle? It can join in the Fancy Dress fun.’

  ‘I’ll try, miss.’

  Class Five settled down while Miss Pandemonium sorted out the register, and then they asked what they were going to do all day. Violet gazed at their expectant faces. ‘Well, I thought we should spend the day getting into the spirit of being pirates, ready for tomorrow. You know what pirates used to do, don’t you?’

  ‘Kill people!’ shouted Samantha Boggis. ‘Can we kill Class Six, please, miss?’

  ‘Not this week, Samantha, if you don’t mind, and certainly not while I’m here. Pirates did a lot of kidnapping and marooning and holding people to ransom. They used to board ships and seize all their gold and jewels and then they’d sail off to secret islands and bury their ill-gotten gains.’