Never Turn Back

by Lorna Lee

  Meri never experienced a more awkward lunch. She doubted if Joe or Jeannine had, either. They had to sit on the floor, pretending they were having a picnic.

  Meri bought bread, cheese, and cheap wine on her way from the convent to her apartment with Jeannine.

  “I want you to meet someone today, Jeannine. His name is Joe Trottier.” Meri selected two loaves of bread as she spoke.

  “Who is he, Mamma?” Jeannine inhaled the smells of the boulangerie, as if tasting the air. “Can I have one of these?” She pointed to a chocolate éclair.

  Meri shook her head. Jeannine frowned.

  “He’s an American soldier who’s become my, ah, special…friend. He lives in New York City, Jeannine!”

  Jeannine’s frown disappeared. “He does? What’s the city like Mamma? Has he told you stories?”

  “Non, he speaks very little French.” Meri pointed to a wedge of cheese she wanted the clerk to weigh and wrap for her.

  “How do you know he’s from New York City.”

  Meri looked at her daughter. “He told me. Many times. He wants to take us there, Jeannine. We’ll live together as a family in the richest city in the world!”

  Jeannine hugged her mother, and then looked at her. “Mamma, do you like him? Will he be my new Papa?”

  “Oui, cocotte. I like him and he’ll be your new Papa but not like your real father. He’ll be a…a practical father.”

  “A practical father?”

  “I don’t know the accurate term He’ll be a…a substitute father.”

  “Because my real father fought in the war and died, right?”

  “Right.” Meri paid for the bread and cheese, and they walked toward her apartment. “You must be polite and quiet, understood? Answer if he asks you a question. Don’t be pushy by asking him questions. I know how curious you can be.” Meri instructed Jeannine.

  “Why do I have to be so quiet?” Jeannine put on her pouting face. Will she ever outgrow this annoying habit?

  “He didn’t expect to get a grown daughter when he asked me to marry him. I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

  “Mamma. I’m not overwhelming!”

  Meri laughed. “Not today, Jeannine. Not today.”

  When Joe knocked on the door, Meri and Jeannine had just finished setting up the picnic. They sat on the bed waiting for his arrival. Meri sprung up to open the door.

  Joe gave Meri a quick kiss on the cheek and handed her a box of chocolates. Jeannine’s eyes widened at the sight of the candy. She stood, hands clasped behind her back, ready for the introduction.

  “This here must be Jeannine. Bone Jury.” Joe attempted to greet her in French.

  Jeannine bowed her head to hide her grin. She curtsied, greeted him, and thanked him—all in French.

  Meri swept her hand toward the blanket where the food and wine awaited them. She took Joe’s cap and coat. He took off his shoes and sat cross-legged on the blanket. Meri nodded at Jeannine to do the same. Jeannine sat on the opposite side of the blanket from Joe. Meri sat between them, forming a semicircle of nervous picnic-goers.

  Both Joe and Jeannine took their cues from Meri. When she ate, they ate. When she drank, they drank. Meri started a few attempts at conversation and soon discovered her inadequacies as an interpreter. She regretted not introducing Joe and Jeannine at Le Bonaparte where Gratien would serve as their host and interpreter. Everyone nodded and smiled profusely. Jeannine gobbled up the chocolates.

  Joe got up. “Meri. Jeannine. I gotta go. Um. Duty calls. Sorry.”

  Meri grabbed Joe’s hand, stopping him so he knelt in front of her. “You not mad?” She spoke softly, her eyebrows knitted with concern.

  “Na. I just gotta get back to camp. I like Jeannine. She’s a nice gal. Pertty, like you.” Joe winked, pinched Meri’s cheek and stood up.

  Meri smiled and stood with him. She spoke softly into his ear. “We soon get marry?”

  Joe blushed. “Well sure. You tell me when and I’ll be there. Pa won’t believe I’m coming home with a beauty of a French wife…and a pertty daughter to boot!”

  I wish he didn’t talk so much! I can’t understand him. “Yes? Soon?”

  “Yes. Soon. Before I ship out in February.”

  “I make day in Janvier.”

  “Jan…what?”

  Meri went over to the wall calendar hanging by the door, the only adornment she added to the walls of her apartment. She pointed to a date: January 27, 1947—a Monday.

  Joe shrugged. “Sure. I’ll get somebody to cover for me. They better on my wedding day!” He lifted Meri into the air, twirled her around, and gave her a big kiss on the lips.

  Meri giggled like a forty-two-year-old school girl.

  Jeannine, still sitting on the floor, watched as her mother flew around in the arms of this funny-looking man who spoke in a funny-sounding language. She had chocolate on her fingers and around her mouth. “Mamma! What’s happening?”

  Meri didn’t hear her daughter’s question or the edge of distress it carried.

  §

  The wedding took place at 2:00 p.m. in the Town Hall of the sixth arrondissement of Paris on Rue Bonaparte on Monday, January 27, 1947. The Mayor officiated. Gratien and the Mayor’s secretary witnessed the ceremony. Jeannine missed the ceremony because the convent did not allow her attendance. She’ll be out soon enough. Joe and I need our privacy on our wedding day…and night.

  Gratien congratulated the newly married couple with a small celebration at his establishment, “free, of course.” He asked Meri about the date she chose, thinking it an unusual time of the week for a wedding, especially since Jeannine could not attend.

  Meri, into her second bottle of champagne and feeling quite giddy, explained. “I’m quite superstitious, Gratien. Are you surprised?” She pinched the old man’s ear.

  “Non. Meri. I’ve learned never to be surprised by a pretty woman.” He pinched her cheek. Joe looked at the two of them. He crossed his arms and gave them a stern look. Gratien looked at him and said, “Don’t worry Joe, Groucho is no match for an American from New York City.”

  Joe laughed and shook his head. “I don’t know about you French people. There’s a whole lot more to America than New York City.”

  Meri tugged at Gratien’s sleeve. “What’s he saying about America and New York City?”

  Gratien shrugged. “He said there’s a lot to see.”

  Meri smiled, put down her champagne glass, and clapped her hands—a gleeful bride.

  Joe smiled back at her and then took a hefty swig of whiskey.

  Gratien looked at Meri, again happily sipping her champagne. “Tell, me, my superstitious girl, why did you choose today, of all days, to marry this American?”

  “Ah, ‘Monday for wealth.’ It’s an old French rhyme about the best day to marry. And those who marry in January, ‘when the year is new, he’ll be loving, kind and true.’ It’s time for my life to become easier, Gratien. I’m going to New York City to start a new, good life. Perhaps I’ll finally find work in the fashion district and become a famous designer like I always dreamed.”

  “To the perttiest wife a man like me could ever hope to catch and impressing the pants off my Pa.” Joe stood to make his toast.

  She raised her glass. Gratien and Joe raised theirs. Meri toasted to something different.

  §

  Joe shipped out in early February. He promised to send Meri money for two tickets to New York City, the port where all immigrants had to be processed. The Marine Falcon was a naval vessel recommissioned after the war as a transportation ship for civilians seeking escape from the wreckage of their former lives or the promise of fresh beginnings. The vessel was scheduled to set sail Saturday, March 8, 1947. When the money arrived, Meri bought tickets for her and Jeannine for the passage. When Meri saw “New York City” as the destination on the tickets, she hugged them to her chest.

  Meri took Jeannine out of the convent the day after Joe left. They spoke about their hopes and dreams for
their new life together in New York City. How would Joe fit into their lives? Meri couldn’t say, but she trusted that America and New York City held a promising and bright future for them. Paris never fulfilled any of her dreams. Staying in the disappointing, broken city seemed foolhardy. She would leave yet another place, along with its people—only looking forward, never back.

  Gratien stood at the dock waving as Meri and Jeannine departed for America on the cold and windy morning of March 8th. Meri only waved briefly. She grabbed Jeannine’s hands and disappeared into the crowded ship, never turning back to see Gratien wiping the tears from his eyes.

  Part 4

  (Burtsville, New York, March 1947)

  Chapter 21: The Long Journey “Home”

  “Kun menee sutta pakoon, tulee karhu vastaan.”

  Finnish Proverb

  Literal translation: “When you flee from a wolf, you run into a bear.”

  English equivalent: “Jump out of the frying pan into the fire.”

  All of Europe seemed to be represented on the Marine Falcon. Where do they all come from, and what part of America will they choose for their new home? Some seemed to be single parents with children; most, however, were solemn-looking families. Do Jeannine and I look so sullen? The ship carried people escaping a war they carried with them. Meri didn’t want to be one of them. Determined to leave everything behind her, she wore a genuine smile.

  Being on the open sea thrilled Meri. She remembered her wish, so long ago, to accompany her father on one of his voyages. He was not with her, of course. Still, she felt the power of the ocean and viewed its vastness. No wonder he constantly returned to the sea! The salty smell of the air and the way the cold dampness reddened her cheeks and nose brought her back to those days she stood on the cliff overlooking the Baltic Sea, waiting for her Papa. Standing on the deck of the ship with the wind tossing her hair, she felt free and alive for the first time in decades, perhaps for the first time ever.

  Jeannine pushed her mother aside and threw up over the railing. She groaned, burying her face in her mother’s shoulder. “When will we get to America, Mamma? I feel sick all the time.”

  Meri smiled as she rubbed Jeannine’s back. “America is a long way away, cocotte. We’ve only been at sea for three days. Don’t think about how far away America is. Think about this great adventure we’re on…together! You’ll adapt to the motion of the ship soon.”

  “I hope so.”

  “The food is horrible, so you’re not missing much.” She held her daughter’s head, cupping her hands over each ear. “If this sickness to the sea remains, your round face will be the only thing round about you.”

  Jeannine rolled her eyes. Then her eyes widened and she turned to the railing to heave again.

  “You weren’t born to be a sailor, my girl. You’re not alone; neither are all these other people.”

  Standing near the railing on the ship were children, women, and men, all pale and in various stages of vomiting.

  Accommodations on the ship were sparse. They slept in bunk beds and had to share cramped bathrooms. Passengers devised their own entertainment to pass the time: card games for the few who had playing cards, storytelling in various languages, and games the children would make up. The crew organized a Bingo game each night at seven o’clock. At the beginning of the voyage, hardly any passengers understood the game of chance or the nightly announcement in English on the public announcement system. Eventually, they learned both. In fact, the nightly game became the highlight of their day, giving them something to anticipate.

  “Mamma, Bingo tonight at seven o’clock are the only English words I know. Do you think they’ll help me in New York City?” Jeannine asked as they trekked with their bunk-mates to the “mess hall” for the Bingo game.

  “Americans seem to like Bingo, so I think these are good words to know. “ Meri assured her ever pale and nauseous daughter.

  §

  March proved a dangerous time to cross the Atlantic Ocean. The ship slowed many times to navigate around icebergs, making the journey longer than it would have been had Joe’s bride and her daughter been traveling during warmer weather. Each day, they bundled up and watched the endless sea. Jeannine wanted to be near a railing in case another wave of sickness overtook her. The girl constantly searched the horizon for signs of land, signaling their journey’s—and her misery’s—end. Meri wanted to be out on the deck for reasons other than her daughter’s needs. She loved watching the swells of the waves and hearing the thunderous sound of the ship ripping through the ocean. When the occasional whale or school of dolphins surfaced, Meri delighted in watching them do their aquatic acrobatics.

  “Look, Jeannine! They seem so relaxed and…happy.” Meri pointed to dolphins swimming parallel to the ship.

  “I hope I don’t throw up on one of them.” Jeannine grabbed the railing and wobbled.

  “Your pépé captained a ship. I’m glad he didn’t live to see his sea-sick petite fille. Then again, he probably would’ve laughed. He found things like this funny.” Meri continued watching the dolphins until, in silent unison, they veered away from the ship and out of view.

  The long journey afforded Jeannine the opportunity to become friends with a young man from Britain. Tall, blonde, and perpetually optimistic, he helped Jeannine pass the long hours at sea by teaching her the rudiments of English. Meri observed how willing a student her daughter appeared, with Jeannine, not quite fourteen, hanging on every word the young man—probably sixteen or seventeen—said.

  “Isn’t Henry wonderful, Mamma?” Jeannine’s voice lilted as if singing her question.

  “He seems nice enough. Just stay close to me when you’re with him. You never know about men—even young ones.”

  “Mamma! Henry’s a fine gentleman.”

  “Men are very good at charming a girl into getting what they want. I know.”

  “What do they want, Mamma?”

  “Never mind about those things. You’re too young. Just stay close to me.”

  “All he wants is to be my friend, have something to do on this boring ship, and teach me English—our new language. I’ll be able to understand Joe, Mamma. I’ll be able to help him understand us, too.”

  “Joe should learn to speak French.” Meri’s tone signaled the end of the conversation.

  Both the seas and Jeannine’s sea-sickness calmed down after ten days into their journey. On the twelfth day, Meri heard an announcement from the public address system that she partially understood. The message from the growing hubbub among her fellow passengers, however, was unmistakable: someone sighted land. They were nearly in New York City, America.

  Trying to get to the front of the ship to get their first glimpse of this new country proved nearly impossible. Meri held Jeannine’s hand firmly, trying hard to maneuver through the hundreds of people with the same passionate mission. Jeannine’s head pivoted to search the crowd.

  “What are you doing?” Meri’s voice pitched high and loud. She tugged on her daughter’s hand aggressively.

  “Mamma! You’re hurting me! I’m just looking for Henry.”

  “Jeannine, forget Henry. Our future is ahead of us, not on this ship. Now come with me!”

  Once they saw the dark shadowy contrast to the all-too familiar ocean water, the eager immigrants did not want to step aside to let others take a look. They seemed hypnotized by the promise of the vague image they strained to see.

  Meri and Jeannine eventually wedged their way to a small crack in the human wall. America floated far in the distance—dark, non-descript, and decidedly real.

  “There it is, Jeannine. Our new home. Everything is possible here. No wars, no hardships. A new life.” Meri spoke to herself as much as to her daughter.

  “Oui, Mamma. A new language I’m starting to learn, too, and people we don’t know.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll be together. Everything will be fine. New York City is the best city in the world. We’ll find French people there. Maybe I’l
l work in a fashion house. Anything is possible.”

  “Will Joe let you, Mamma?”

  “Joe? Oh, he’ll be happy just to have us here. Let me worry about him.”

  “Will Joe be there to meet us when we get off the ship?”

  Meri nodded. “He told me he would make all the arrangements.”

  “Do you think I’ll ever see Henry again?”

  “Non, dear. I heard New York City, America is a big place.” She looked at her daughter. Jeannine’s smile melted into a frown. “Jeannine. I’ve left many friends behind me. You’ll get over it. You have new friends to meet.” The girl nodded slightly and wiped one tear that slipped down her cheek.

  The public address system began to blare with nonstop messages. Meri looked around for someone who knew what they were supposed to do. She spied a family near her frantically trying to back away from the crowd. “What’s happening?” She asked in French.

  The woman spoke broken French with a heavy British accent. “Back inside we are asked to go. Papers. Must get in order. Tomorrow. Arrive in New York.”

  Meri said “Thank you” in English and turned with many of the passengers to go back to their quarters and prepare to leave the ship the following day. Jeannine, still searching the throngs of people, whispered to herself, “I could have told you that.”

  “I thought you’d be happier to get off the ship,” Meri said to her moping daughter when they were back in their living quarters.

  “I’m happy to get off the ship, Mamma. I wish I could keep Henry as a friend, that’s all. Plus I’m a little scared of what our new life with Joe will be like. I guess as long as we’re together, everything will be fine. Right?”

  “Right, cocotte. Once you make a choice, you stay with it. Going back means you’re weak. In life, you must always be strong. My Papa always told me to be strong and never turn back once I make up my mind.”