Surrender

by Rue Volley

  I slid my finger in the small opening on the back and tore it open, hissing as it cut the side of my finger. I dropped the card as I watched the blood well up from the nice straight cut into my pale flesh. I slowly lifted my finger to my lips as my heartbeat sped up. All I could think about was placing my finger into my mouth. I slid it in and sucked on it, my pupils dilated and my body hummed as the sweet and salty taste of my own blood touched every needy taste bud on my tongue. I closed my eyes and let it calm me and, as I focused on it, my stomach calmed, my body felt at ease and I realized that I loved it, I loved the taste of blood. I pulled my finger out of my mouth and narrowed my eyes as the envelope lay there in front of me. I picked it up and slid the black card out of it. It had one thing on it. The number seven. I sighed and let the card drop as I knew exactly what I should do, I should ignore it…but the urge to return and do it all over again, was overwhelming.

  Chapter Four

  Dangerous

  Proposition

  I woke up with my head on my desk. Drool and all. My hair was a mess. I sat up and stared at the screen and saw the last of the words I had typed. I had named my heroine and she was fighting the urge to go back to something she knew she should not do. I grinned as I thought about Lia and her fractured need for danger, for something new, and then I noticed the sunlight in the room. I grabbed my old fashioned wind-up metal clock that I insisted on having. I stared at it and shook my head. Today was my first psychology class of the year. I had been on a waiting list for it and I needed it to complete my course and graduate, I was so pissed when I saw the time. I had twenty-five minutes to get there and it was all the way on the other side of the campus. Even on a good day, I would still be five minutes late if I left right now. I stood up and shirked off the defeatism and ran to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth in a panic as I pulled up my long, black hair and placed it in a messy bun on top of my head. I ran back into the room, slipped my shirt off, then my jeans and put on a fresh pair. I grabbed my favorite perfume and sprayed it like a mad woman in the room as I ran through it back and forth… so it would not be too much. I shoved a pen in my tousled hair, slammed my laptop closed and slid it inside of my crimson colored sleeve I had bought for it. I slung it over me and the lip gloss was going on as I ran out the door. Lucky for me, I just never really wear much make-up. Lip gloss was about it most days.

  I ran downstairs as I weaved in and out of people and just as Gemma was walking towards me, I smiled and nodded to her.

  She yelled while waving at me. “Fay!”

  I turned and ran backwards as I waved back to her. “I am late, be back in two hours!” I shouted as she smiled.

  I had no time to waste, none at all. I didn’t know this professor. In fact, I heard she was new, so who knows? I could just as easily show up late and have her toss me out, ruining my life and every aspiration I have for graduating and getting a decent job as a therapist.

  I ran to my car and then realized I forgot my keys. I sighed and turned to go back just as Keegan was running to his car, which was parked across the lot from my own. I knew it was going to be weird to ask him, but I was desperate, and in desperate times you have to be willing to just go for it. I ran towards him as he slid into his car seat and started it up.

  “Hi!” I said as I tapped at his window. He looked up and his grin at least told me that he was not upset to see me again, which is a good thing.

  He lowered the window. “Fay,” he said and I smiled back at him, rubbing my neck and feeling awkward.

  “Hi, ummm, listen. I am late for an important class and I forgot my keys upstairs. I have to get to class, I was on a waiting list from hell for it and if I don’t take this and pass it I am screwed, like ‘screwed screwed’.”

  “’Screwed, screwed’ is bad.” He repeated back to me.

  I smiled at him. “Yes, it is and who knows, this new professor, whoever she is, could be a total bitch, I mean that would be my luck.”

  “Well I am late, too, and bitches suck, so get in,” he said quickly. I shifted from one foot to the other and looked down; in my haste I had forgotten my damn shoes.

  “Oh fuck.” I said as I stared at my bare feet. He leaned out and looked at my feet.

  “Are shoes required?”

  I looked at him and laughed. “Listen, just go. I will make it there.”

  I started to walk away and he called out to me.

  “What building? I mean, you can still learn with no shoes on, right?” I stopped and smiled, then turned back to him.

  “Wesleyan, it’s the Wesleyan building.”

  “Perfect, that is going my way…come on, get in,” he said as I ran to the car and got into the passenger side. I leaned back and he glanced over at me.

  “Thank you, so much.” I said as I looked over at him. He grinned and pulled out like a madman as we barreled towards the Wesleyan building, in hopes of not being late.

  “I just have the worst feeling,” I muttered as I held onto the dashboard and Keegan veered to the left without slowing down.

  “About what?” he asked me and I went on.

  “This class, I am just sure it will be some old asshole who thinks she is smarter than everyone in the world. I have read horror stories about advanced psychology classes.”

  “So you think Psychology teachers are assholes?”

  I reached up and grabbed the leather strap to stabilize myself and felt the pressure against my wrist as Keegan veered to the right to make another turn. I looked up and remembered the train car and a rigid tongue. I cleared my throat and looked over at him.

  “It’s probably some old perverted woman who preys on young college boys.”

  He laughed out loud. “I hope not, that would suck ass.”

  “I agree, but you know what I mean, this is someone who knows everything about the mind so I am sure there will be a scandal with some young co-ed who gets all charmed and stuff.”

  Keegan kept his foot pressed hard on the gas pedal. “You have this woman convicted without any evidence.”

  I laughed and held on as he took one more left and I could see the building coming into sight.

  “I don’t know. I read too much. I mean it could be someone cool, I guess. But old, I am sure they will be old.”

  “How old are you?” Keegan asked me and I looked at him.

  “I am twenty-six.”

  “Well I am probably old to you then.”

  “I doubt it, you look my age.” I said and he started to slow the car.

  “I am twenty-nine.”

  I covered my mouth. “Oh my God, you have one foot in the grave.”

  He laughed at me. “I will be thirty in five months.”

  I gasped with thick-laced sarcasm. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “See?”

  “Thirty is nothing, this professor will be at least fifty-five, if not closer to sixty, you watch.”

  He tapped the wheel. “Okay, it’s a bet.”

  “What are we betting on?” I asked him, kind of flirting and not ashamed of it at all.

  “A cup of coffee, at the café.”

  “So a date?” I added and he stopped the car and looked down. Then over at me.

  “An outing,” he said without hesitation. I got lost in his blue eyes for a moment, but just then he stopped the car and jumped out as I did. He left it running and had to run back to shut it off and retrieve his keys. I kind of laughed as I watched him. If anyone was close to my own inability to be on time, it was him. We ran into the building and down the large hallway together and finally I stopped at the door to the classroom and so did he. We both looked up at it and then grinned at each other.

  “So, I guess we really were going to the same class.” I said and he opened the door up for me. I stepped in and a few students turned to see us both rushing in. I walked down the long narrow steps and then spotted a couple of seats in the middle and about five rows back from the front. I ran towards them and turned back to tell Keegan I had spotted something and luc
kily the professor was not even here yet. I was so relieved that I ran to the seat and sat down as people stared at me. I looked over as I watched Keegan stop and grin at me and then he calmly walked to the front of the room and up onto the stage. He walked over to the large black board behind him and picked up the liquid chalk pen. He wrote on it and then turned as I stared at his name on it in complete horror.

  “Hello. I am Mr. Vale, but honestly you are all welcome to call me Keegan, I am not that arrogant to think that we cannot just talk to each other like regular people. I am an assistant professor, but this does not mean that I am incapable of teaching you and it will not reflect on your degrees. Mrs. Cassapian fell ill and being in her late fifties,” he glanced at me with a smirk on his face, “she has decided to take this semester off, so you have inherited me, but I assure you that I will do my very best, as I always have. My credentials will be listed on the campus website, feel free to look them over. Mrs. Cassapian will return next semester and will pick up wherever we leave off. ” He glanced at me and I slid down about two inches as the look on my face said everything that I could not possibly mutter out loud. I was speechless.

  ***

  I sat outside his office after the classes had ended for the day. The door finally opened and a girl came walking out, twisting her hair and smiling at him. She obviously thought he was attractive, I mean who the fuck would not think that? He was gorgeous and a liar, a fucking trickster. I was so pissed that the embarrassment of all that I had told him was pushed to the back of my mind. The girl stopped and looked me over as I stood up and he looked at me, his expression the same as it had been before I knew what he was.

  “Fay.”

  “Mr. Vale,” my tone sounded cold, but with good reason. The girl quickly lost her smile and walked away as he stepped aside. I walked into his office, which looked more like a room I would have decorated. It had black and white photos on the walls, scenes of the ocean and forests. All things I loved, but I had to ignore it as I walked to the large, black leather chair and sat down. He walked to his desk, but never sat down at the chair behind it. Instead he sat on the corner of it all laid back and annoying. I looked up at him as I placed my hands on my knees and tapped them a few times.

  “It’s Keegan, nothing changes just because I teach.”

  I laughed and looked up at him. “Um, it changes everything. I mean I told you about my book…” I trailed off as he stood up and walked over to the large double-paned window that overlooked the campus. He stared out and then turned back and sat down on the ledge of it, not unlike my detective in my story had. I blinked and pushed the story out of my mind. This was not a fictional tale of sex and debauchery, it was real and had real consequences for my future.

  “I still love the premise of your book.”

  “I bet,” I said as I leaned back and held onto the large arms on the chair. There was no way to feel comfortable in it, it was too large, so I stood up and crossed my arms on my chest.

  “I will just leave the class.”

  “No, why would you do that?” he asked me as I shook my head at him.

  “Listen, I get it. You were playing with me, ha ha, but this is my future, a field I want to be in and I have spent the last three years busting my ass to make it a reality…not to mention the scholarship that I was lucky enough to receive.”

  He stood up and looked at me, his eyes soft and I could see the regret coming on.

  “I was not playing with you, Fay. I enjoyed talking to you, I really did.”

  I shifted from one foot to the other. “Well that’s great, but I am not a lab rat.”

  “Oh my God, is that what you think of me? Come on.”

  I narrowed my eyes and looked him over. “I don’t know you, I mean, you don’t even know me. What else could it be?”

  He paused and looked around his room and then back to me.

  “Did it ever occur to you that maybe, I liked you?”

  I paused as his words lingered in the air between us.

  “You teach.”

  “And?”

  “I mean…I am in your class.”

  “That is a bit odd, but it still changes nothing.”

  I rubbed my neck. “I don’t…”

  He stepped towards me. “You owe me a coffee.”

  “What?” I asked as he interrupted my thoughts again.

  “Coffee, remember, the bet?”

  I smiled and looked down, my hair fell forward and then I pushed one side of it behind my ear.

  “The age thing,” he said, even as I thought about it.

  He held his hands out. “I swear I am not some old pervert trying to confuse girls into doing me.”

  I shook my head and held back the laughter as I looked around his office.

  “The pictures are beautiful.”

  He looked around at them too.

  “It’s a hobby for me. I love my camera.”

  “Oh yeah? I love to shoot, I just don’t get much time to do it, but I do love it.”

  “Well maybe…” he trailed off and I sighed.

  “Listen, I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch, but this is awkward. I mean, there are rules, rules in schools for a reason and I….”

  He stepped towards me. “I get that, if you would rather just come to class and do your thing, it is totally fine. I am not hitting on you, Fay, I just thought we could be friends.” He walked to his desk and then sat down at his chair. I studied his jawline and then his lips, full and soft. He looked up and had to move a bit of his dark hair out of his eyes, which had fallen down all cute and aggravating. I suddenly started to feel a bit foolish. I mean, I am assuming he wants to do me and never once did he even hint at it. I cleared my throat.

  “Eight…I will be at the café at eight tonight if you want that coffee that I owe you,” I said and he grinned and leaned forward.

  “Okay, I will be there.”

  “It’s not a date.” I said and he nodded to me.

  “Totally cool, we are just hanging out.”

  I sighed and looked him over.

  “How the hell are you an assistant professor at twenty-nine?”

  “I graduated high school at fifteen, my brain is on overdrive,” he said as he pointed to his head. I smiled and then walked to the door. I stopped and turned around with my legs crossed.

  “I will see you tonight…Keegan.”

  He smiled and I left him, closing the door behind me and touching my lip as my heartbeat did a flutter thing in my chest. I could not possibly be flirting with the idea of this, could I? Shit.

  Chapter Five

  Buying Heaven

  I showed up much earlier than needed, and I actually put on some mineral make-up, did my hair in long curls and wore clothes that I normally saved for a night out. I also put some heels on, well, more like wedges, gray suede with a black stripe up the back. They were closed toed, with three Velcro straps across the front of them. I loved to wear them with my shorts so I had not held back when I got dressed for this. I knew, as I should, that anything with Keegan would be dangerous, but damn. As I had gotten ready, and even before that, in my shower, I had flashes of his lips in my mind. I honestly think that this book I am writing is making me insane. I would have never even considered meeting a man out this year, let alone a teacher. I must be on the verge of a mental breakdown. But he said, and I quote, “Not a date.” So it’s not.

  I opened my laptop up and stared at the time. It was 5:00 pm and I had three hours before Keegan would be here. I tapped my black nails on the table as my coffee showed up.

  I looked up at the girl. “Thank you.” I said as she grinned at me.

  “He was cute,” I sighed and looked at my screen.

  “Oh the man earlier today?” I said and she nodded.

  I stared at the words on my screen. “I know, dangerous.”

  She laughed, “I love dangerous, it is my favorite type.” Her voice was soft as she leaned forward.

  I looked up at her and loved hearing
that. Maybe I was not the only woman in the world with an insane need to ruin herself.

  She smiled and walked back towards the bar as I sat there and bit my bottom lip. I wanted to write, but I knew that as soon as I dove back into it I would see Keegan in this book. It was now inevitable. He had my attention now. I looked at the flashing line on the screen and took the plunge. It was time to write some more in my fantasy world. More about vampires and anonymous sexual encounters. Anything to get my mind away from Keegan.

  ***

  The water ran down my back as I placed the black sponge to it. It was a bit abrasive, which I enjoyed. I pressed it against my shoulder blade and it left a light red mark behind as the water continued to soothe me. I ached, but it was not from being harmed. I ached for him. I looked over at my brushed silver tray where the card lay and picked it up. I looked at the number seven on it and grinned. I flipped it over and saw a website address on it in small black lettering, it was different than the last one. Smart of them to do that. I laid it down and leaned back, my hands slid under the water and found their way to my stomach. I closed my eyes as I saw him in the train car. His jawline firm, lips parted and his mask hiding just enough of him as I touched his hair. I leaned up and kissed him in my mind as my chest rose and my nipples hardened in the large porcelain tub. I let my hand lower and my fingertips brushed against my clit. I sucked in my breath and turned my head sideways. I kissed him harder in my fantasy as I started to stimulate myself, with each small flick of my finger I arched my back, getting into a slow rhythm as lips parted behind my eyes and my tongue searched his. I slid two fingers inside of myself as I continued to make small circles on my clit, each rotation bringing me closer and closer to a climax, but it was not my skill to please myself that was causing it, it was him…always him now. The stranger who had fucked me as I had needed to be fucked. Hard and without mercy, it was a true surrender and, to me, nothing would be able to get me off as hard again.