Nerve

by Jeanne Ryan

  “Whoa, do not mention that to Sydney. She was dying to try out for this month’s game, until she found out it’s scheduled for closing night.”

  “What, starring in the play isn’t enough for her?”

  I shift my weight from foot to foot. Although I tease Sydney about being a diva, I won’t say it behind her back. “High school theater doesn’t win you big prizes.”

  He shrugs and his attention shifts back to the phone. “Hey, check out this clip of a guy letting his dog slurp soup out of his mouth.”

  “Nasty.”

  Matthew gives it five stars anyway. As soon as he does, an ad flashes: UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO COMPETE IN THE LIVE GAME THIS SATURDAY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

  He wiggles the phone in front of me. “You should do one, little Vee.”

  “Hello? I’m doing your makeup on Saturday, remember?”

  “I meant do one of these prelim dares, for the hell of it. If by some chance you got picked for the live rounds, someone could cover makeup for you.”

  Obviously, he thinks there’s no way I’ll be selected, and even if I were, anyone could slop a little greasepaint on the cast. Suddenly, I feel smaller.

  I tug at my skirt. “Why bother? I’d never play for real, anyway.” Last month, the first time the game was played, my friends gathered at my house and chipped in to watch the live rounds online. Being a Watcher was exciting enough. Those players in the East Coast grand prize round who spent half an hour with their toes curled over the edge of a roof? No thank you.

  Matthew pokes a couple of buttons on the NERVE site. “Here’s a list of dares you could try: Eat with your hands at a fancy restaurant, go to an exotic grocery and ask for goat testi—”

  “I’m not doing any dare.”

  He types something into my phone. “I know you won’t. Just messing with ya ‘cause you’re so cute when you blush.”

  Greta, who does props, runs over from backstage and taps his arm. “You’re on in two.”

  He hands the phone back to me and is already ten feet away when I notice that he’s updated my ThisIsMe status from single to promising. My heart does a little jump. Although I’ve got almost half an hour until the closing curtain, I follow him to the wings. He marches under the spotlight and takes his spot downstage left, next to Sydney, where they’ll banter, argue, kiss, and sing before the show ends.

  For now, Sydney commands the stage, dramatically lit in blond glory. I feel a surge of pride at the stunning vision I created with her natural assets. Of course, I spent more time on Matthew, contouring every plane of his face with tender care. Even twenty feet away, the gleam of the spotlight in his eyes makes my knees go rubbery.

  I recite the lines along with the actors for the next half hour until we reach the finale, where the star-crossed lovers reunite. Matthew takes Syd’s face in his hands and their lips meet in a kiss that goes on for one, two, three seconds. I bite my own lip, fighting a surge of envy, even though Syd insists that Matthew is way more hype than substance. She always thinks she knows what’s best for me.

  The cast joins Sydney and Matthew to belt out the final song, and I draw the curtain closed. Since they’ll do their bows on the apron, my stage duties are complete, and I head to the dressing room to collect costumes. The girls’ area is filled with the scent of hairspray and a huge bouquet of red roses that sits in the middle of the counter. I check the tag. For Syd, of course. A few minutes later, she and the other girls in the cast dance into the room, breathless and giggling.

  Instinctively, I hug my best friend. “You were great. And, look what someone sent you.”

  She gives a little squeal and opens the card. Her eyes widen. “An anonymous fan.”

  I want to groan at the obvious ploy. “Anonymous for about two minutes until he slinks around looking for credit.”

  She sniffs at the flowers and smiles, used to this sort of attention. “Did you change your parents’ mind about tonight?”

  A tightness forms in my chest. “Nah. At least they’re letting me out of prison for the closing night party.” After five months of following their rules to the letter, I’ve convinced them that I’ve earned my freedom. It’ll be the first time I’ve been allowed out with my friends, unless you count working on the play or studying at the library, since the “incident,” which was really only an incident in my parents’ imagination. Not that they believe my repeated insistence otherwise.”

  Then I won’t go either,” Syd says.

  I play punch her arm. “Don’t be silly. You’ve earned a good party. Just don’t get so hungover that you end up with heavy bags under your eyes. There’s only so much my makeup skills can cover.”

  She undoes the ribbons on her corset. “You sure? About the party, I mean. I have full faith in your makeup skills.”

  I help her with the ties in back. “Of course. Tell me all about it, or, better yet, post pics, okay?”

  When she and the others have changed out of their costumes, I collect the clothes, checking for any garment that’ll need a quick iron or spot removed for tomorrow’s show. Sydney gives me another hug before she takes off with Greta and the others.

  A few minutes after they leave, Matthew pokes his head in the room. “How’s daring little Vee?”

  Even though my belly tingles at the sight of him, I try to maintain my cool as I scan a tweed jacket, checking the cuffs. “I’m good.” Who needs a first night party, when I can hang out with him for a bit before curfew? Yes, my status may really be promising after all.

  “You and Syd going to Ashley’s house?”

  “She is. I can’t.”

  “Still grounded? Dang, girl, start studying more.” He and most of my friends think my parents’ strictness is the result of poor grades. Only Sydney knows the truth.

  “At least they’re letting me go to the cast party on closing night. With a midnight curfew.” Maybe if I float news of my impending freedom by him, he’ll help me find ways to take advantage of it on Saturday.

  He nods toward the roses. “She figure out who those are from?”

  My breathing halts for a moment. “How did you know they were anonymous?”

  He winks. “I have my ways. See you tomorrow.” With a slow shake of his head, he gives me one last look-over and says, “Mm-mmm, you are way too cute to be working backstage.” With that, he takes off.

  That’s it? Our chance to be alone and he leaves? My stomach twists. And why did he care about the flowers? I try to avoid jumping to conclusions, but scroll through the possibilities anyway. Maybe a friend of his is crushing on Sydney, and Matthew’s doing recon. But something about the tone of his voice sounded uncertain, vulnerable. Could Matthew have brought her the flowers? She is his costar, but still. My only consolation is that if Matthew did buy Sydney the roses, she hadn’t bothered to take them home.

  I grit my teeth as I pull a little key from my purse to unlock a small cabinet that holds the secret weapon of costume managers: a spray bottle filled with a mixture of vodka and water. It’s a cheap way to freshen up costumes. Ms. Santana insisted that she’d never trusted a student to use the spray without supervision before. I’m happy that at least one adult has faith in me these days, but if Mom and Dad knew, they’d have her job.

  Footsteps approach and Tommy Toth, who designed the sets and presides over all the tech stuff, peeks into the room. “Tonight went great, huh?”

  I spray inside a heavy beaded dress that’s a bit ripe. “Yeah. Super-smooth.”

  “Everyone else has left. When you’re done, I’ll walk you to your car.” If there were an award for raising polite kids, Tommy’s parents would win it big-time. Even in fifth grade, when he and I were on safety patrol, he’d always offer to carry the Stop signs.

  I head out of the room so I can take care of the guys’ costumes next door. “That’s okay, I’m right outside.”

  He follows me. “You okay?”

  I fold a pair of Matthew’s pants that he left hanging over a chair. “Sure. It
’s just been a busy week.”

  He stretches his arms upward. “Yeah, between the two of us, we’re covering most of the crew duties.”

  Yep, the backbone. No applause, though. No roses either. I blink my eyes dry and turn to face him. “You did a great job, Tommy. No one else could’ve designed the sets the way you did.” The stage transforms from a war-torn Afghani village to a Tokyo dance club in one minute flat. It’s a multicultural play.

  He shrugs.

  “Don’t be so modest. You deserve as much attention as the actors.”

  “There are benefits to not being center stage.”

  My eyebrows must go to my hairline. “Name one.”

  “Privacy.”

  I laugh, which comes out between a grunt and snort. “That’s a benefit?”

  He shrugs again. As I finish up with the costumes, my phone buzzes. I pull it out to find a text from my mom, reminding me to be home in forty minutes. Sigh. The leash is a-yanking. When I delete the message, I see that Matthew left the link to the NERVE site up. The game he knew I wouldn’t attempt.

  I turn to Tommy. “Do you think I’m daring?”

  He steps back. “Um, daring? I don’t know. But you’ve got a lot of charisma. Remember that time freshman year when you made up new words to the school song?”

  That’s the best I’m known for? Offensive lyrics that barely rhymed? With a grimace, I hold my phone out to him. “Would you ever sign up for this game?”

  He studies it. “Doubtful. It’s awfully risky.”

  “Not my thing, right?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Standing next to Tommy, I click through the game site. It lists a number of dares people can do to apply for the live rounds, along with pop-ups promising instant fame, and a video clip of a few of last month’s grand prize winners attending a movie premiere. Two of the girls flash the serious bling that they won for their dares. Lucky ducks.

  I scan through the list. Most of the dares seem awful, but there’s one to go to a coffee shop and dump water on yourself while shouting, “Cold water makes me hot.” Sounds kind of stupid, but less dangerous than stealing nail polish, or even pretending to. I check my watch. Gotta-Hava-Java is between here and home. If I was quick enough, I could do it. That would take the “little” out of Matthew’s vocabulary, which he includes with my name even when he texts, something he’s been doing since we started play rehearsals. Cute, flirty stuff, especially late at night.

  I eye Tommy. “You wanna do something out of the ordinary?”

  His cheeks get pink. “You’re not going to apply for the game, are you?”

  “No way. It’s pretty late to get picked, anyway. But wouldn’t it be fun to try a dare? Just to see what it feels like?”

  “Uh, not really.” He blinks rapidly as if his contacts are getting ready to call it a night. “You realize it would be posted online for the world to see, and since nobody has to pay to watch the prelim dares, that could be a lot of people?”

  “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

  He cocks his head. “You sure you’re feeling all right?”

  I march to the cabinet to lock up the spray bottle. “I’m fine. You don’t need to come with me. I just thought it would be fun.”

  “Maybe it would be.” He nods, clearly thinking it over. “Okay. I’ll video you.”

  Oh yeah. I’d totally forgotten that I’d need someone to capture the dare. I grab my purse and head past him, feeling all Lara Croft. “Great. Let’s go.”

  He rushes to keep up with me. “We can take my car.” His parents gave him an action-film-worthy Audi for his birthday.

  “No, we’ll take mine,” I say. It’s my dare.

  There’s a dampness in the air that wasn’t there earlier in the evening. Even though I’m about to dump water on myself in a coffee shop, I’m not in the mood for rain. Tommy and I hurry to my car, a ten-year-old Subaru with a steering wheel that rattles every time I hit the brakes. But it’s mine and it’s cozy. We get in and I drive.

  I try to hum along to a hip-hop song on the radio, but my voice keeps breaking. “Think anybody at Gotta-Hava-Java will realize I’m doing a dare for NERVE?”

  He checks out my dashboard like maybe he’ll find something more interesting than the low-end sound system with a little handwritten sticker on the knob that says “PUMP UP THE VOLUME!”

  “I don’t think their regular clients are in the NERVE demographic.”

  I think it’s funny how easily “demographic” rolls off his tongue, as if he’s in advertising. It’s the kind of thing my dad says. I suddenly feel queasy, remembering my father’s pale face at my hospital bed a few months ago, when he kept shaking his head and saying how my actions had seemed so out of character. Girls like me didn’t end up parked in a garage with the motor running. Exactly, I’d told him.

  I shake away the thought. “So I’ll be making a fool of myself in front of a bunch of folks who have no idea it’s for a game. Perfect.” Last month, an announcer kept reminding the audience in a whispered voiceover that the players weren’t allowed to tell the crowd they were on a dare.

  Tommy’s raised eyebrows say “Duh,” but he’s too polite to voice it. Instead, he tells me about a documentary he saw on a samurai-style business school where the students have to sing on busy street corners to get beyond their inhibitions.

  “Maybe this’ll end up being good for you,” he says.

  I study him. He’s actually better looking than I’ve ever given him credit for, not that we’d ever be anything more than friends. With his clean-cut features, can-do attitude, and stock-option-wealthy parents, he’ll probably end up running for political office before our ten-year reunion.

  Then I remember that I haven’t even completed the application form. “Do you mind going to the NERVE site and filling out my info?” I ask.

  He turns on his phone and starts reading off questions as he types. I give him my address, phone number, e-mail, and birthday (December 24, the almost-est day of the year). For my emergency contact list, which seems like overkill for a two-minute dare, I include Sydney, followed by Liv, Eulie, Tommy, and then Matthew, just for fun.

  Five minutes later, after circling the coffee shop twice, I find a spot a block from Gotta-Hava-Java. The air’s lost whatever warmth it had during the day, promising an uncomfortable walk back to my car after the dare. Assuming I go through with it, which a tiny part of me is starting to doubt.

  I hand Tommy my jacket. “Will you hold this so I have something dry to put on later?”

  “Maybe I should hold your purse too, just in case.”

  What other guy would think about keeping the accessories safe? I shiver. “Good thinking.”

  Tommy holds my things tenderly, as if he’s afraid to mar them, which really wouldn’t be a catastrophe, since I buy everything for half price at Vintage Love, where I work.

  We enter the coffee shop and my heart races when I see that it’s packed. It’s one thing to choose a dare from a list on your phone, another to be performing it. Performing, ugh, that’s the problem. Like for the school play audition I ran out of, or those World Studies reports I sweated through in front of the class. Why on earth is someone like me playing a game like this?

  I inhale, picturing Matthew kissing Sydney on stage, while I watch on the sidelines. Obviously, I’m doing this to prove something. Thank you, Intro to Psych.

  Tommy finds a seat at a community table near the center of the shop and sets our things down. He fiddles with his phone. “The NERVE site says I have to capture this on a live feed straight to them so we can’t edit the footage. I’ll start as soon as you’re ready.”

  “Okay.” I creep to the back of the line, fighting the weird sensation that I’m losing control of my legs. It takes all of my concentration to place one leaden foot in front of the other, as if I’m wading across a swimming pool of syrup. Breathe, breathe, breathe. If only the coffee fumes weren’t so strong. The ventilation in here sucks. My hair and
clothes will reek long after I leave. Will Mom notice?

  A couple in front of me argues whether they should get chai tea at night, since it has caffeine, while a group of women in front of them pepper the barista with questions about calorie counts. Their chattering grates at my nerves. I want to yell that folks who are worried about calories shouldn’t hang out in places offering dozens of pastry options.

  I wave at one of the baristas in an attempt to get his attention. He just smiles and continues pumping espresso. The clock on the wall says 9:37. Crap, twenty-three minutes until curfew and I just realized I’ll need to take Tommy back to his car before I can go home. I push my way toward the counter, causing a few angry comments. Once they see what I’m up to, maybe they’ll shut up. No one wants to mess with a nut job. At the corner of the counter stands a pitcher of ice water and a stack of plastic cups. I fill one up and move to a spot near Tommy, trying not to spill it despite my trembling arms and legs.

  Nine thirty-nine. I take a breath and nod at Tommy, who points his phone and says something I can’t make out. A few people around us furrow their eyebrows, shooting me the stink eye. Tommy gives me a little smile and a thumbs-up, which causes a massive wave of gratitude to rise in my chest. This would be impossible alone. Maybe it still will be. My body won’t stop shaking, and I fight the urge to burst into tears. Geez, I’m such a wuss. No wonder I choked at play auditions.

  I stare at the clock, suddenly feeling a sense of tunnel vision. Everything around me goes dark. All I see is the clock, pulsing like Edgar Allan Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart. This is ridiculous. It’s just one cup of water and one line to recite. Syd would pour a whole pitcher while singing her favorite number from Les Mis. Of course, I’m not her.

  The racing of my heart progresses to pounding, and my head feels light. Every molecule in my body wants to run. Or scream. Or both. I tell myself to breathe. The dare will be over in a minute. Just a few moments more of enduring this terror. I wipe my cheek. As the clock on the wall moves to 9:40, I clear my parched throat.