The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger
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One of the shark men jumped onto the cab and tried to grab me.
I punched him in the throat.
Lucky shot. If I’d missed and hit his teeth, my hand would have been ripped to shreds. Instead, the guy fell from the cab, bounced off the track, hit the rocks and took a few Mako dudes into the riptide with him.
I jumped to the rocks and let the machine go past me. There were too many shark dudes in front. I went behind the machine, crawled underneath it to get to the bucket. The machine rumbled slowly along. A Mako Clansman tried to block my access to the bucket. He took a swing at me.
I dropped flat and was under the excavator again.
I grabbed the frame underneath and let the machine pull me along. My heels bounced on the edges of the rocks. This wasn’t going to work. I let go and stretched out flat. The machine passed over me. Shark dudes smiled down as the machine crawled out of the way.
Two shark men grabbed me. One of them moved to bite me.
“No!” Sinclair yelled.
The shark man turned, confused.
Sinclair was in the water and a shark man was dragging him toward shore. “I need him alive! Gather the cards!”
The shark men threw me to the ground and leaped into the water.
I pushed myself to my feet, and hurried to the bucket. It was just low enough that I could reach into it. I grabbed my father and pulled him out. I left him on the side of the jetty out of the way of the tracks of the excavator.
Then I ran over to Michael and pulled him to safety. Finally, I went back for Sabrina, and pulled her out of harm’s way as the excavator rumbled forward. It bounced over the edge, down the rocks and into the water.
I could now lay claim to the title slow motion hero.
Sinclair strode dripping wet down the jetty toward me. Hank, Raymond, and Jensen walked behind him.
All the excitement had driven away my buzz.
“Once those cards are gathered, you’ll pass them to me willingly.”
“Hang on,” I said and held up a hand. He stopped and so did the shark men and driver. I didn’t really expect that, so I grinned.
“Something funny?” Hank asked.
“You owe the city of Galveston a fortune for that excavator.”
He flipped me off.
I dug in my pocket for my phone. “Let’s see if that transfer came through.”
“I didn’t send any money,” Sinclair said.
“Well, hop to it.”
“Why? I’m only going to have you killed after I get the cards.”
A bunch of shark men waded out of the water, each holding a few cards.
“You kill me before I willingly give you control of the cards, they’ll never work for you. The magic will die with me. The blood price has been paid, but it’s tuned to me.”
“You’re not as stupid as you pretend to be.”
“I’m lazy, not stupid.”
“And you’ll never reach your potential. You forget, I can have Hank drive you a few miles away, then he can kill you and the tuning will be broken.”
“Then why don’t you?”
He grinned. “Because I want to look into your eyes while you hand those cards over to me and admit you’re a worthless failure.”
“Your guys tried to kill me when I was with Olivia.”
He nodded.
“You owe me a car.”
“Good luck collecting.”
“You win,” I said. “My father was right about me. I’m a worthless failure. Have your shark men give me the cards. Let’s see if they’re all there.”
“Men, you heard him,” Sinclair said.
Each shark man moved up the rocks and handed me cards. Once they released them, they dove into the water again. They weren’t worried about riptides.
The final six men stood behind me after passing the last of the Tarot to me. I made a big production of counting the cards.
They were soggy, but the magic was still strong.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a magic I could do anything with beyond gain insight. The cards weren’t good for anything beyond showing potential paths to choose. If I do this, what is the likely result? That kind of thing. And the cards spoke through symbolism, not concrete determinations. So it’s more like, if I do this, it will lead to good things or bad things. I couldn’t understand why Sinclair cared so much about them. Was it just that they’d been stolen and he wanted them back? Was it because it was a way to defeat my family? Or was there more to the cards than I knew? No, there couldn’t be. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have waited thirty years to come after them. There was magic, all right, but it was simple divination. For Sinclair, this was just his chance to finally win one.
All seventy-eight cards were there. But what good would they do me? They wouldn’t enhance my power, and they wouldn’t help focus it. But they could answer questions.
“I got seventy-six,” I said. “There should be two more cards out there.”
“I got seventy-eight,” Sinclair said. “I counted them with you.”
“Dick.”
“What did you say?”
I sighed. “Do we really have to do this?” I cut the deck and flipped a card, didn’t like the answer. Put it back. Repeated the action.
He smiled. “You’re hopelessly outclassed. I have magic. You have mere potential. I have two hundred Mako Clansmen, you have nothing. You’re defeated, kid. Give me the cards and I promise your death will be quick. Don’t make me have my men start eating you. It’s unpleasant to watch.”
“I’ll bet it’s more unpleasant to be eaten.” I kept silently asking if this action would produce the right result before cutting and flipping. Nope. How about that action? Then cutting the deck and flipping the card.
He held out his hand.
I flipped a card, stared at it a moment, thought the symbolism worked in my favor, then put the deck back into my pocket, and looked up at him. “Okay,” I said. “Eat me.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Sinclair shook his head. “You heard the man. Eat him.”
I sure hoped the Six of Wands meant triumph after battle like I thought it did. If not, this would be over real quick.
I bit my lip until it bled. Tasted my blood. Then raised my hands high, letting loose with my magic and trying like hell to focus as I turned. Sinclair, his driver, and his shark dudes shot up into the air and flew toward the Gulf as I spun.
“But you only have potential!” Sinclair shouted.
I flipped him off. “Say goodbye, douchebag.”
I kept my right hand out, and swept my left quickly across the jetty, aiming high enough to take the shark men, while not hurting my father, cousin, and friend who were incapacitated in the distance. The Mako Clansmen flew into each other and off the jetty. I motioned them up into the air.
My control sucked balls. I needed to take the other shark dudes too, but I didn’t know how to grab them, so I just lifted everything from the seabed up. Water and fish shot into the sky, rolling back like a reverse tsunami a good three hundred yards into the Gulf.
I slammed them down.
Water, fish, men crashed to the seabed. I shot my hands skyward, sending everything back into the air a good fifty feet, then drove them downward again as hard as I could. I did it again and again.
Water splashed and rained everywhere. I tried to keep it away from the jetty.
Finally, I dropped to my knees and everything dropped. Splashdown.
My hands twitched and cartoon pink butterflies shot out of my fingertips. They fluttered in the air, exploded in fireworks to fluffy rainbow bunnies and hopped on silly flowers that spun out of my shirt.
The bunnies did the Bunny Dance on the flowers and started singing in high-pitched voices like Alvin and the goddamn chipmunks to the tune of “Follow the Yellow Brick Road.”
Dancing upon the flowers
Dancing upon the flowers
Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing
Dancing upon the flowers.
The Bunny Dance is the one because
Because because because because because
Because of the whiskey he caught a buzz
La la la la la la la
The cartoon bunnies farted rainbows then all dropped into the ocean and the waves rolled them into the shore in a swirl of flying colors.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
My father recovered first.
He sat up and looked around. Bodies of Mako Clansmen floated in the sea. Waves brought a few bodies to shore. Some of them swept in then went back out as the water receded.
Sabrina came to next. She saw Michael lying on the jetty beside her and rushed to him. He slowly put his arms around her.
My father climbed to his feet. He looked at himself. His clothes were soaking wet. I tried to keep as much water off the jetty as I could, but splashing is tough to control. Hell, all of it is tough to control. That’s why I’d just let loose.
Dad looked at me.
I looked up at him.
He turned to look at the bodies strewn on the beach.
“Sinclair?” he asked.
I shrugged. “He’s out there somewhere.”
My father walked down the beach, stepping over bodies. He held out his hands toward the ocean and motioned upward.
A body rose out of the water.
Sinclair.
And that, my friends, is called control.
He levitated the body over to shore.
Sabrina and Michael walked off the jetty toward me. They looked over at my father, who strolled back with the body floating behind him.
Light flared up and encircled Sinclair with glowing handcuffs and shackles.
I looked a question at my father.
“He’s alive,” he said.
“And the shark dudes?”
Some of them moved on the beach. I couldn’t tell if it was waves doing it or if they were moving on their own accord.
“Most of them seem to be alive,” he said.
I wondered how many were dead.
My father picked up on that instantly.
He stood at the edge of the beach, and held out his hands. “May the dead rise,” he said.
A bunch Mako Clansmen shot out of the water and some stood up on the beach.
“May the dead live,” my father said.
He spoke the words for my benefit because the magic didn’t require vocalization.
The shark men stumbled forward on the beach and dropped to their knees. Those over the water struggled, then dropped back into the sea.
“Begone,” my father said.
The men on the beach got up and walked into the ocean.
“I thought you said you were going to die,” Michael said as he sat down in the sand beside me.
“Some other time, I guess.”
Sabrina moved behind me and massaged my shoulders. “Thank you for saving me,” she said. “What were you saying when you crouched to talk to me?”
“Nothing,” I said.
My father strolled over and looked down at me.
“Get up, son.”
“I’m kinda tired, Dad.”
“Get your ass up anyway.”
I sighed and pushed myself to my feet.
He put a hand on my shoulder. “You can stay in the house. But I’m not sending you free money anymore.”
“I’m not cut out for working a regular job.”
“None of us are.”
“So what will I do for money?”
“You’ll earn it. You want to get paid, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to work on your magic. You have to learn to control it.”
“You think?” Sabrina said.
“And,” my father continued, “you’re going to help people. Your mother and I are getting old. My magic is fading. This latest experience confirms it. I can’t keep the bad things at bay anymore. I just wanted to test you, but Sinclair took advantage of my weakness. When Paul and Sabrina both told me he’d hacked into your computer, I should have taken it more seriously, but I didn’t believe he could get here through my wards.”
“Maybe Uncle Paul should have stolen something from someone else.”
“He stole those cards thirty years ago. I had no idea Sinclair was that patient. He must have had a dormant spell that activated when the cards left the state.”
“I can’t believe you risked my life for a stupid deck of Tarot cards.”
“The cards weren’t the point, Brett. And it wasn’t supposed to ever include real danger. Gentry wasn’t going to kill you. Sabrina made an imaginary creature crawl on the ceiling. Those are harmless.”
“So what was the fucking point?”
“You’ve done nothing with your life. You’ve never taken any action for anyone else. We pushed you to see if you ever would. That was the point. I was afraid you were you a complete waste of flesh and magic. But you came through in the end, so I feel much better about things.”
“I wish I could say the same, but you’re an asshole and a half.”
“I’ve been called worse.”
I glanced at Michael. “Dad, before you head back to New Orleans, can you heal Michael of his vampirism?”
My father shook his head. “Magic can’t cure vampirism.”
Michael nodded. “I was worried that might be the case. Is there a cure?”
“I’ve never researched it.”
“Thanks anyway.”
“We’ll find a way,” I said. “And if not, at least you can keep seducing the ladies.”
“What do you want me to do, Uncle Nathaniel?” Sabrina asked.
“You get the thankless task of training Brett. You’re his teacher and his keeper.”
“But not my boss,” I said.
“She’s responsible,” my father said. “You’re a bum.”
“A bum who saved your ass.”
“Right. Be that as it may, you will have another boss. She’ll be in touch. And Brett?”
“Yeah, Dad?”
“You’d best obey her because she’s not as forgiving as I am. And she already saved you once.”
“What?”
“She’s a local witch known as Lakesha. I’ll call her in the morning and tell her she’s got the job. Sad thing is that when she met you, she called me and demanded a raise.”
Sinclair opened his eyes. He looked dazed as he floated there incapacitated.
“Look who decided to join us,” my father said. “You’re going before the Council, Joseph.”
He twisted around to look at me. “But you failed the test. The reports said you couldn’t use magic.”
“Dude, I never took the test. It wasn’t that I couldn’t use magic. It’s that I wouldn’t use it.”
“Because you never applied yourself to anything,” my father said.
“You don’t really expect that to change, do you?” I asked.
“You’ll be Lakesha’s problem, not mine.” He walked off and took Sinclair with him.
I looked at Sabrina. “Remember that substitute teacher we had that one summer you spent with us in New Orleans?”
She nodded. “You made her cry on the first day. She didn’t make it through the week.”
“Have you ever seen a witch cry?”
“No.”
I grinned. “You will.”
The Half-Assed Wizard returns in The Big-Ass Witch
And here’s Chapter One:
CHAPTER ONE
“You’re late.”
The lady bitching at me was a big-ass witch named Lakesha, and thanks to my father’s requirement that I report in to her a minimum of five days a week, I now stood in her bookstore a few blocks from the Strand. The place was called Something’s Brewing, which sounded more like a coffee shop.
I pulled out my phone. It was 1:30. “Only by thirty minutes,” I said. “That’s not bad.”
Lakesha slowly shook her head, sending her braided hair swinging back and forth.
She wore a gold blouse and black slacks. Her hooped earrings jangled and bracelets danced around her wrists when she put her hands on her ample hips. “Don’t you go there, boy. You may think it’s not bad, but I’m telling you it’s unacceptable.”
I yawned.
“Am I boring you?” she asked. She spoke it like a challenge.
I held up my hands. “It’s cool,” I said.
“It’s not cool,” she said. “You think you can come in here on day one and disrespect me?”
“I wasn’t disrespecting you,” I said.
“You’re thirty minutes late. That means you don’t respect my time, and one thing I can’t abide is a pampered little rich boy who thinks the world waits on him.”
“You lost me at late,” I said.
“Get your lazy ass into the backroom. If a customer comes in, I don’t want the first thing they see to be your skinny little ass.”
“Nice place you’ve got here,” I said, trying to extend an olive branch.
Two rows of bookshelves filled the center of the room. The side walls had cabinets and shelves packed with knickknacks, candles, incense burners, and novelty items. My favorite was a tiny spray bottle labeled “Bitch-Be-Gone.” Behind the glass counter on the right-hand side of the store, a bank of labeled drawers held a variety of herbs and spices, though they weren’t for normal cooking, unless boiled “Tears of Job” were your thing.
A beaded curtain stretched across a doorway leading to a back room. Most of the beads were a rich blue, but the golden pattern of a pentagram graced the center. The aroma of sandalwood permeated the store.
“Move your ass,” she said.
I shrugged and walked toward her. As I moved past her, she sniffed the air.
“Do I smell ganja?”
“I might have had a toke before coming over,” I said.
“Not anymore you don’t. You’re done with that.”
I snorted.
“Don’t you get smart with me, boy.”
“You going to turn me into a toad?”
She reached out and pulled on my long hair.
“Hey,” I said, though it didn’t hurt, and leaned away.