The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  I still thought of him as Gene, so it took me a moment to get it, but I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “He was only supposed to bring the witch.”

  “She’s here, too.”

  “I’m glad to see you’re still alive,” Abigail said.

  “I live for you, my dear.”

  “That spell should have worn off by now. I took a long shower and scrubbed away all traces of the perfume.”

  I gave her a lopsided smile. “I still think you’re cute as a bug’s ear.”

  She laughed and touched my arm. “What the hell is wrong with you? That may be the stupidest thing you’ve said yet. For future reference, assuming you survive the night, never ever compare a woman to a bug.”

  Lakesha wandered over to us. “We have a problem,” she said.

  “I know,” I said. “None of these people have any power.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Listen.”

  I cocked my head to the side. In the distance, I heard a soft moan on the wind. It sounded mournful, and it called to me.

  Time to die, Regina told me.

  Soon.

  “The Dark Ones are awake,” Abigail said. “They know we’re here.”

  Michael and Sabrina joined us. “Um, guys?” Sabrina said. “The witches here aren’t real witches.”

  “Yes they are,” Abigail said. “They just haven’t been at it for long. They’ve read a few Scott Cunningham and Starhawk books, but we haven’t taught them any spells yet. We just need their numbers.”

  “Where did you get them?”

  “CraigsList.”

  “It figures,” Sabrina said. “One of the men is telling the women they need to perform the ritual sky clad.”

  “That’s Todd,” Abigail said. “He thinks all meetings should be done in the nude.”

  “Nothing wrong with that,” Michael said.

  I glanced over at the group. “Todd must be the one stripping down,” I said.

  Abigail rolled her eyes. She looked over at them. “Todd! Keep your clothes on!”

  “We have to be sky clad!” he yelled. “Clothing blocks the magic spells. Come on everyone. Let’s get undressed for success.”

  He was down to his boxers before Gene reached him.

  “What’s the plan?” I asked.

  Lakesha pursed her lips, thinking. “Mr. Black, Abigail, and I will join with the others. There is power in numbers, and if I can draw some energy from you, I can set a protective spell around the salvage yard. Keep the Dark Ones from getting out.”

  “So Sabrina, Brett, and I go in to face the Dark Ones?” Michael asked.

  “Who are you and why are you here?” Abigail asked.

  “My name is Michael,” he said and cocked a thumb toward his chest. “Vampire.”

  “A real vampire?” she asked. “Show me your fangs.”

  “I’m not here to do tricks for you, lady.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “Vampires are like catnip to Dark Ones. We walk the line between life and death. We can give them the energy they get from ghosts along with the jolt of euphoria they get from souls.”

  “Ghosts aren’t just lost souls? I can feel the boy within me, and he seems to be a soul.”

  “Spirits without life can feed the Dark Ones, but souls are full when they’re in a physical body.”

  “Quincy didn’t explain that. He just told us we needed a ghost to use as bait to draw them out.”

  “And to steal shit,” I said.

  “Speaking of that,” she said, “where is the black onyx necklace?”

  I pulled it out of my pocket and dangled it in front of her. “Right here.”

  She reached for it, but I pulled it back.

  “You need to let Demetrius go before I give you the necklace.”

  She looked confused. “Why? Aren’t we on the same aside?”

  “I sure hope so, but there are only two Dark Ones. I have Regina inside me, so that will lure one of them out, and Michael can lure the other out, so we don’t need Demetrius. I want him safe.”

  She furrowed her brow and frowned. Then turned toward the coven. “Quincy?”

  Gene walked over to our group. “What is it, my child?”

  “He wants me to let Demetrius go free. Can we afford to do that?”

  “With a vampire and the ghost in Brett, we’ll be fine without the other ghost. That also means you get to stay outside the junkyard, Abigail. Turn the boy loose. We’re all friends here.”

  She turned her arms out, and the triangles glowed. A moment later, Demetrius popped out of her.

  “Where am I?” he asked.

  “Houston,” I said.

  “How do I get home?”

  “Lakesha will take you home later, little man,” I said.

  “Thanks, Brat,” Demetrius said. “I feel weird. Can I get some new comics?”

  “Sabrina will take you to the comic store in a few days, m’man. No worries.”

  “You can’t take me?”

  “We’ll see,” I said.

  “Hey Demetrius,” Sabrina said. “Go wait in the black sports car over by the fence.”

  He nodded. “Cool car.”

  “Don’t get any ectoplasm on the seats,” Michael said.

  Demetrius moved off toward the Charger.

  “The necklace?” Abigail said.

  I handed it to her, and she passed it to Gene.

  “Excellent,” Gene said. “I’ll pass out the protective amulets to the coven, and we can get started.”

  “They’re in the backseat of the Honda,” Abigail said. “It’s not locked.”

  “Lakesha, if you’ll accompany me, we can get things ready. We need wards and sigils. We have to make sure the Dark Ones can’t get out of the yard.”

  The moans on the wind grew louder.

  I checked my phone. It was ten minutes until midnight. Yeah, they were waking up all right. And Regina really wanted to go to them.

  “Brett,” Sabrina said grabbing my arm. “Where are you going?”

  “Huh?” I said then realized I’d started moving toward the gate. “We should take up our positions.”

  “Lakesha needs to tell us what to do first. If we go in there unprepared, the Dark Ones will kill us.”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  “Dude, you’re not making any sense,” Michael said.

  “Life doesn’t make any sense.”

  “The ghost is winning,” Abigail said. “She’s going to get stronger now that she’s affecting his mind.”

  Michael looked at Abigail. “When you went through it, how long did it take for her to get you to try and hang yourself?”

  “Once she got to where Brett is now, it took five minutes. She guided me to the house without me realizing it, and I wasn’t thinking of the future, just focused on my past failings. He’s already lasted longer than I did.”

  I couldn’t see any reason to delay any longer. I took a deep breath and started moving toward the gate.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  When I neared the gate, Regina’s excitement about dying reached a fever pitch. I wanted to die in that moment too. But if I was going to kick off, I wanted to take at least one of the Dark Ones with me. Lakesha’s hearse was parked in front of the gate. Straight ahead of it toward the back of the salvage yard, I saw the car crusher machine. The stacks of tireless cars stood on one side with piles of scrap metal and heavy equipment on the other side that left an open road right to the massive machine.

  I wanted to get this over with—the battle, my life, everything.

  Something dark came out of the crusher. It looked like the Scream guy in the old movies, except it wasn’t wearing a mask, but it was clad in dark robes and a hood as it stepped into the light. When it moved into the shadows, it was darker than the darkness surrounding it. Wes Craven would be proud because it looked freaky as hell.

  The door to the hearse was open, and the keys were still in the ignition.

  I
could walk to my death, but it would be far better to drive, so I hopped into the hearse, started the engine, and turned on the headlights.

  “What are you doing?” someone called. I still don’t know who yelled it, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t answer. Instead, I threw the hearse into Drive, and gunned the engine.

  “Ramming speed!” I yelled and aimed for the Dark One.

  Demetrius appeared in the headlights and I hit the brakes hard. I couldn’t stop in time so the car passed through him and stopped with his face a foot from mine. The steering wheel was inside his translucent chest.

  Die die die, Regina told me as always.

  See with my eyes, Regina. We should at least say goodbye to Demetrius first. He’s right here.

  “Demetrius?” I said for Regina, who finally saw him.

  “Auntie Regina?” Demetrius asked.

  “Yes,” she said through me. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry I failed you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Auntie. It’s not Brat’s fault either.”

  A wave of emotion swept through me, not mine, but Regina’s. “You can find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive, Auntie Regina. You were always good to me. I know you would have saved me if you could. And even when you couldn’t see me, at least I could see you, so I was never really alone.”

  Through Demetrius, I saw one of the Dark Ones coming toward the hearse. “Hey, little man,” I said, “get in Michael’s car. Your aunt and I need to know you’re safe.”

  Yes, safe, Regina said to me. We die for him.

  I stomped on the gas and the hearse shot forward through Demetrius and toward the Dark One.

  But before we struck the creature, one of the machines on the side of the crusher moved forward. It was a weird looking thing, like a cross between a tractor and a forklift, but had massive curved metal fangs above the forks. As I raced forward, that big machine slowly moved between me and the Dark One. Regina wouldn’t let me brake or turn the vehicle. The forks raised and tilted up and I ran right into the damn thing. I slammed forward, smacking my head on the windshield so hard the glass starred. I hit the steering wheel, but because of my reaction to straighten my legs, I didn’t break any bones. It did tell me to never sign up to be a crash test dummy.

  The forks pressed down, crushing the fenders and holding the hearse in place. Then those massive metal fangs bit down near the windshield and pulled away, clawing the hood off. It yanked the engine block from the front of the hearse. The teeth raised up with an awful scrape of metal on metal and crashed down again, closer to me, ripping the front of the car apart.

  It’s one thing to die, but it’s quite another to get ripped open by a huge machine. I opened the door and bailed out. When I hit the dirt, I rolled. The engine biter made quick work of the hearse.

  I tried to focus my magic enough to hurl the machine out of the way, but Regina screaming at me to die die die was too much of a distraction.

  Another Dark One came out of the car crusher.

  Strong hands grabbed me and pulled me to my feet. I twisted and saw it was Michael. “Run!” he yelled, and practically threw me back the way I’d driven.

  We have to die die die, Regina said, but I ran away instead.

  We bolted toward the gate, but we didn’t make it that far.

  Sabrina stood in our path, hands glowing with energy.

  “Get down!” she yelled.

  We dove to the ground as she let loose with everything she had.

  Her blast of light and power smacked into one of the Dark Ones, driving it backward, arms windmilling. Its long-fingered hands ended in dark claws.

  As soon as her blast ended, the Dark One moved toward us again.

  “Let’s get the hell out of here,” Michael said.

  Behind Sabrina, Gene shoved Lakesha into the salvage yard, then slammed the gate closed behind her.

  We’d been betrayed.

  “That lying sack of shit,” I said.

  Lakesha drew a circle in the air, spun it around so it glowed and expanded.

  “Get over here!” she yelled.

  Sabrina, Michael, and I ran to her and she threw the circle on the ground, then dropped to her hands and knees, scrawling symbols in the dirt.

  “That will keep them out,” she said.

  “For now,” I said.

  “Just remain inside the circle and all will be fine.”

  Die die die, Regina said, more insistent.

  I turned to step out of the circle, but Michael grabbed me.

  “Regina wants me to die,” I said. “She’s right. It’s time.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re too lazy to die,” Michael said. “Channel your inner slacker.”

  “She’s too loud.”

  Lakesha started singing “It’s a Small World.”

  “Stop that,” I said.

  She kept singing. As she sang, she finished the symbols and hauled herself to her feet.

  “Hold him in place, Michael,” she said, which thankfully ended the song, though it kept going in my damn head.

  Outside the circle, the Dark Ones loomed, walking around us, staring in with their eyes so dark they were like staring into a black hole. A feeling of malevolence poured off them. They were the stuff of nightmares. Their mouths remained open chasms of deep darkness. Their robes flowed like torn bits of material in jerky, stop-motion jump cuts as if they were created by a movie special effects crew who left out some of the frames when they spliced the film back together. It was unnerving.

  But I figured it would be a quick and easy death, and Regina wanted me to go to them, so I tried to break free from Michael’s grip. He held me in place. Dude was strong.

  “Regina is winning her battle with him,” Michael said.

  “Regina and Sabrina, hanging in a tree,” I said in a sing-song manner.

  Sabrina slapped me. “Stop it!”

  “Ow,” I said.

  “I thought he could push her out,” Lakesha said. “I don’t care what Nathaniel Masters says. Our lives are all on the line now.” She pulled a magic marker out of one of her pockets and drew something on my forehead.

  “That better not be a dick,” I said.

  “Shut up, Brett,” she said and finished her drawing. She tapped the image and my skin went cold. Regina oozed out of my forehead and spilled into the circle with us as a separate entity.

  I dropped to my knees. “Wow, man,” I said. “That felt wild.”

  I didn’t have time to think about how she’d just defied my father, and maybe just cost him a million bucks in his dead pool. Then again, I didn’t need to think about it because I felt it deep in my soul. Lakesha chose me over my father. That was a first.

  The Dark Ones kept moving around us, clawing at the edges of the circle. They screeched in a high pitched howl.

  “We need a plan,” Sabrina said. “I hit one of them with everything I could pull up and it barely pushed it backward three steps.”

  “Michael,” I said, “maybe you can lure them into the crusher. We can toss a couple of cars in there, smash the bastards into the cubes with a binding spell and call it a night.”

  “What about me?” he asked.

  “Turn into a bat and fly away.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Shift into a mist and drift away?”

  “You’ve watched too many movies. I can’t do that kind of stuff.”

  “Then what’s the benefit of being a vampire?”

  “Extra strength, hypnotic suggestive powers, eight hour erections, practical immortality provided you don’t get staked in the heart, decapitated, or devoured by Dark Ones.”

  “I want to punch Gene,” I said. “Double-crossing little bastard.”

  “His name is Quincy Black and he didn’t double-cross us, Brett,” Lakesha said. “I told him to send me inside and to close the gate. I’m still connected to the coven by the pendant he gave me.” She held it up. It looked lik
e costume jewelry, but it had a small black onyx stone in the center.

  “What good does that do?”

  “For one thing, it allows me to keep the circle even if we move.”

  “So we can move and they can’t get in?”

  “Exactly. And with eleven other members to draw from, plus the power in the larger black onyx from the necklace, we’re safe for a time, and the Dark Ones won’t leave us while we’re here.”

  “Yeah, but we’re locked in here with them.”

  “Or they’re locked in here with us,” she said. “Your idea about the car crusher is a good one.”

  “Okay, but it’s empty.”

  “It is right now, but we can load it up.”

  “The Dark Ones can control the machines, though,” I said. “As Exhibit A, take a look at your hearse.”

  “They can’t control anything inside the circle.”

  “And the circle isn’t big enough to cover one of the machines.”

  “I can expand it by drawing on your power.”

  “I can drive the forklift,” Michael said.

  “There isn’t room for all of us,” I said.

  “I’ll hold Regina,” Lakesha said as she drew a triangle on her forearm. She grabbed the ghost. “Regina, I invite you.”

  Regina darted into Lakesha.

  “No, Regina, you didn’t fail me,” Lakesha said. “I failed you.”

  “Oh shit,” I said and grabbed Lakesha to hold her in place. “Regina is in full suicide mode.”

  Lakesha slapped my arm. “Let go of me, Brat. I’m not under her control. I welcomed her. If I don’t send her out and let her back in, she won’t be able to overpower me for at least twenty-four hours.”

  “Oh.”

  Abigail had released her and Regina dove back inside. Abigail struggled early because of that. I hadn’t struggled until the last few hours, but I hadn’t been able to expel her.

  “Sabrina, can you draw from Brett to blast the Dark Ones away long enough for us to load the crusher?” Lakesha asked.

  Sabrina nodded. “I can’t recharge fast enough, but Brett can. He just can’t control his power.”

  “Maybe I can fling them into space,” I said.

  Sabrina patted me on the shoulder. “Better if you let me handle the magic.”

  “Your call,” I said.

  She took a deep breath, grabbed me, and waited for an opening. The Dark Ones moved around the circle. “Now!” Sabrina yelled and pulled me.