The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  Michael shut off the car. “Same thing Sabrina’s doing,” he said.

  Sure enough, Sabrina stood behind a velvet roped-off area with a small crowd that included Lakesha, Teddy, Chuck, Chuck’s wife and kids, along with a bunch of media types from the Houston TV stations with video cameras and microphones. Apollo stood in front of them granting interviews. I hadn’t expected a press conference, but it shouldn’t have surprised me. After all, the one thing Apollo cared about almost as much as himself was having other people see him and worship him and praise him and love him so, of course, he’d allow them to bask in his greatness.

  Gods are vain bastards.

  As we walked toward the jet, a Bombardier BD-700, Sabrina spotted Michael. She turned and disappeared into the crowd. Teddy waved his hands over his head to get my attention. I walked over to him.

  “You lucky son of a bitch,” he said. “When Chuck called, I didn’t believe him, but here you are.”

  “I should have called you myself, Teddy. Sorry about that.”

  “It’s all good,” he said. He looked around. “I can’t get over the fact that you don’t even have to go through security.”

  “Private jet,” I said.

  “Yeah. Like a movie star. I’d love to go on a private jet.”

  “Get a bunch of folks to go in on a charter flight,” I said. “You might be able to fly to Dallas for around six grand each.”

  “Like I’d ever have six grand burning a hole in my pocket.”

  “Okay, Teddy. Sorry I didn’t call, dude, but I gotta get on board.”

  “Don’t forget us little people,” he said, gesturing to Chuck, who was holding his daughter up to see Apollo wave to the crowd.

  “You’re not little people,” I said. “You’re my friend.”

  And I walked away before he could tell me he wasn’t really my friend and only put up with me because the band got gigs. I considered that. I wondered how Teddy viewed me. Did he see me as a friend? I’d never asked him. I realized that I wanted him to be my friend. And toward that end, I should probably be a better friend to him. It had never occurred to me to call and tell him I was going on the tour. I figured Michael would spread the word. I was right, of course, but I should have called Teddy and Chuck directly. I didn’t like calling Chuck because his wife hated me, but that’s a terrible excuse.

  “This way, moron,” Kevin said, nudging me toward the lowered stair ramp leading into the plane.

  “I know where I’m going.”

  “You’d better hope no one blows up the plane.”

  “Thanks for that.”

  “Someone wants to get rid of Apollo. And planes have cost the world a bunch of musicians.”

  “True that,” I said, thinking of Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Randy Rhoads, Jim Croce, Patsy Cline, members of Lynyrd Skynyrd, and others.

  “Good thing you’re not famous,” Kevin said.

  “You don’t have to be famous to die in a plane crash,” I said.

  “Good point.”

  “You going to tell me to stay off the plane, too?”

  “Nope. If you die, I’m free. Get on the plane.”

  Apollo vouched for me as I approached, and the pilot didn’t even ask for ID. Teddy would have been amazed. I was used to this because I’d flown with my father. I’d never flown commercial in the post 9/11 world, so what I knew about it was from the news or movies and TV shows. Reporters talking about long lines at security gates around the holidays. Before meeting Teddy and Chuck, I’d always wondered why people would stand in those lines. Just charter your own jet and have Dad pay for it. I mean, really. Now at least I recognized that not all dads can afford private planes.

  Apollo glared at me then looked at Kevin. I pretended not to notice, and Apollo was still dealing with a few reporters, so he didn’t stop us from boarding.

  The inside of the jet was luxurious, of course. Tan leather seats, a sofa on one side, a large table, and that was just in the first section.

  An attractive flight attendant motioned me to my seat. “Welcome aboard, Mr. Masters. You’ll be seated here. Can I bring you a glass of champagne?”

  “I’m good. Thanks.”

  I sat down.

  Michael sat in the seat next to me.

  “Wow,” he said. “We have our own arm rests. I could get used to this.”

  “You’ve never flown before?” I asked.

  “Not like this,” he said.

  “But you have money.”

  “Only after I died,” he said. “When I was a regular guy, I never could have afforded this kind of luxury.”

  He ran his hands over the arm rests.

  “I didn’t know that,” I said.

  “You never asked.”

  Did he mean I never cared, or did he mean I’d never had a reason to ask? I couldn’t tell from his tone of voice. Before I could come up with a way to ask him, he leaned toward me.

  “And to think Thomas said not to get on the plane. I guess he knew I’d get spoiled.”

  “Right.”

  Kevin dived onto the sofa. He rolled around on it like a dog on a forbidden bed.

  “This is something else,” Michael said. “We have a huge hit, and we’re going to travel the world.”

  “Right.” I wasn’t really enjoying the airplay either of the songs was getting. It bothered me to be in second place behind Apollo’s tune. I’d rather not have a record on the air at all than to be number two. And that’s where my head was the last few days. Part of the time I wanted the song to not get noticed at all. Let it hover outside the top two hundred so I could just say nobody heard it. But to crack the top two without hitting number one was like a slap in the face.

  This was another reason I didn’t like trying anything. If you don’t try, you don’t succeed, but in my father’s eyes, if you’re not number one, you shouldn’t be playing. There was no other acceptable place to be.

  I had to be the best.

  Or nothing.

  I really preferred being nothing.

  But now I was number two. The only guy who sang about wanting a number two was Joe Jackson, and I didn’t swing that way.

  I played on the number one single, but Apollo got all the credit.

  Apollo got some of the credit for my song, too, as he’d told the press he just wanted something for the flip side of the limited edition single, which would be available for sale during the first show only.

  Kevin left the sofa and climbed up on the open overhead compartment. He hung upside down in front of me so we were face to face.

  “What’s on your mind, Brat?”

  “Fuck off,” I said.

  Apollo boarded the plane and instantly spotted Kevin. Apollo shook his head, walked over and slapped Kevin off the compartment. Kevin landed in my lap. Apollo grabbed him by the neck and lifted him.

  “Didn’t I tell you to get rid of the damn demon?”

  “You did,” I said.

  “And yet, the damn demon is on my plane. You want to explain how that could be?”

  “Pretty simple,” I said. “He climbed up the steps and came aboard like any other passenger, though to be fair, the flight attendant couldn’t see him. You saw him.”

  “I was busy. Why didn’t you get rid of the creature?”

  “Because I don’t know how.”

  “Magic flows through your veins, Brett. Will the thing away.”

  “You’re a god,” I said. “You do it.”

  Helen came down the aisle from the back of the plane. “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “I seem to have caused a disturbance,” Kevin said. “Dickless here doesn’t like me even though we have so much in common.”

  “Your lack of genitalia doesn’t matter to me,” Helen said.

  Apollo fumed. “Send this thing away, Brett.”

  The pilot came over the intercom. “We’re cleared for takeoff, so if everyone will take their seats, we’ll be on our way. Next stop, New York City.”

  “
Chuck him out the door,” I said.

  “Gee thanks,” Kevin said.

  “Sir, if you’ll please be seated?” the flight attendant said.

  Apollo turned to her. “I’ll sit when I’m good and ready. Open the door.”

  The plane rumbled into motion.

  “We’re taxiing to the runway, sir,” the flight attendant said. “I can’t open the door right now. Everyone, please be seated.”

  Helen obeyed, and sat down in a seat behind me.

  Apollo shook Kevin at the flight attendant. To her it probably looked like he was shaking his fist. To me it looked like he was slapping a demon through her head.

  “I’ll do as I damn well please,” Apollo said.

  Michael grinned, and rose from his seat. He lowered his ubiquitous sunglasses and moved around to stare into Apollo’s eyes. “It’s time to sit down,” he said.

  “Nice try, vampire,” Apollo said. “I’m not that easy to hypnotize.”

  The flight attendant didn’t react to the word vampire, but she’d probably heard all kinds of things dealing with the one percent.

  I stood and turned toward Helen. “Get up, Helen. We’ll all stand for the takeoff. What do you say?”

  “I say you’re all children,” she said and remained seated.

  “Will everyone please sit down?” the flight attendant asked.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said.

  “I said please,” she said as if that would make a difference.

  The pilot turned toward a runway and the motion nearly made us all fall over.

  “He’s about to tromp on it,” I said. “You ready?”

  The flight attendant looked like she was going to cry. Instead, she threw up her hands, turned, and went to her seat where she strapped in. “I warned them,” she said where I could barely hear her.

  The plane accelerated.

  I fell into my seat.

  Apollo fell into Michael’s seat and Michael fell into Apollo’s lap.

  Kevin flew over the seat and landed on Helen.

  “Nice,” Kevin said.

  “Get off me, demon!” Helen shouted.

  The flight attendant shook her head. “Druggies,” she said.

  Apollo pushed Michael off him. “Was it good for you, too?” Apollo asked.

  The plane shot into the air and soared out over the Gulf doing a lazy turn to the northeast and Kevin slid across the plane. He scrambled up into a seat and grinned. “This is fun,” he said.

  Apollo glared at me. “To be continued,” he said.

  “Next week,” I said. “Same bat time, same bat channel.”

  He sighed and went to his seat beside Helen.

  Kevin gave him a wave. “What’s up?”

  “My ire,” Apollo said.

  The flight attendant closed her eyes.

  “Don’t worry,” I said to her. “It gets worse.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Kevin sat on the table across from the leather sofa. The jet engines whined in the background. Every now and then, we’d hit a bit of turbulence, but it was mostly smooth flying. I gazed out the window for a bit while we climbed into the sky. Blue water spread out beneath us. Ships powered through the Gulf looking like toys from a Battleship game.

  I held my thumb and forefinger in front of the window and smashed them together. “I’m crushing you,” I said as the boats disappeared behind my fingers.

  Michael leaned over. “What are you doing?”

  “Crushing boats.”

  “Stop it. You look like an idiot.”

  “I am an idiot, so there you go.”

  A few minutes later, the pilot came over the intercom. “We’ve reached our cruising altitude of thirty-six thousand feet. Feel free to move about the cabin.”

  The flight attendant rose and walked over to us. “Would you like a beverage?” she asked. “Champagne? White wine? Whiskey? Soda?”

  “No red wine?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “We don’t stock it on board, sir. It stains the seats if it gets spilled.”

  “Whiskey on the rocks,” I said.

  “And you, sir?” she said to Michael.

  “He doesn’t drink … wine,” I said.

  Michael elbowed me. “Water would be fine.”

  She moved to take orders from Helen and Apollo.

  Michael stared at me. “Don’t be such a dork.”

  Apollo got out of his seat, and pointed at me, then gave me a come hither motion by crooking his index finger. As I got up, Helen slipped out of her seat and moved to the back of the plane.

  “Where you going?” Apollo asked her.

  “Restroom.”

  “The one up front is closer.”

  “The one in back has more privacy.”

  “If the Mako Clansmen don’t join you.”

  She walked down the aisle away from him without responding.

  Apollo took her seat by the window and patted the seat next to him. “Be a good dog and sit,” he said.

  I sat.

  He twisted his neck to watch Helen. I turned to look, too. She stepped into the back restroom and closed the door. I didn’t see any Mako Clansmen, and I didn’t see any of the muses.

  “I thought Euterpe was joining us.”

  Apollo shook his head. “I sent the muses away,” he said. “They kept trying to blow me up.”

  “The limo,” I said with a nod.

  He held up two fingers.

  “Two limos?” I asked.

  “And a beach house, but here I sit. I never trusted them. They’re not loyal at all. But let’s not talk about them. Let’s talk about you getting rid of your demon.”

  “We’ve been over that. He’s not hurting anything.”

  Kevin bounded over. “My ears are burning,” he said, and climbed onto my lap.

  “Get off me,” I said.

  “Make me.”

  Apollo punched him in the face and he tumbled off the seat.

  “Not fair,” Kevin said.

  “I want it gone, Brett. There are a few more things I want.”

  I sighed. “Such as?”

  “I want you and your vampire friend to be the main roadies. The Mako Clansmen will help, of course, but I want you and Michael to set up the stages and equipment. I want you to do the sound checks. And finally, I don’t want you on stage during any of the performances.”

  “What?”

  “I’ll play the guitar.”

  “Then why did you have me play on the song?”

  He grinned. “So I could take it away from you on the road, of course. No one will ever know you played on that song. I can play any instrument. I’ll let Michael play bass because he hasn’t talked back to me. I really don’t like you, Brett. You’re a lazy, no good waste of flesh. You have a demon following you around, you have no talent of your own, and you’re a complete asshole. So you’re going to be a grunt for the rest of your life. You get to carry things around for me. And if you bitch and moan about any of it, I’ll cut out your tongue.”

  He spoke with a casual calmness that told me he was serious. I took a deep breath, and weighed my response because I didn’t want to dig myself in any deeper, but I knew I needed to say something to stand up for myself.

  Before I got the chance, he dismissed me with a wave of his hand. “Go back to your seat. Helen is coming back now. She doesn’t like me, but she shows me respect. That’s something you’re going to learn to do.”

  Helen came up beside me. I relinquished my seat to her without a word.

  When I returned to my seat, Michael stared at me.

  “I overheard,” he said.

  I held up a hand. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. How pissed is Sabrina?” I asked.

  “You tell me,” he said, dropping into a more normal conversation. He took off his sunglasses so I could see the concern in his eyes.

  “Well, she didn’t say goodbye to you at the airport, so I’d say she’s beyond furious a
nd bordering on murderous.”

  “You noticed that?” he asked.

  “I did.”

  “Not something you’d normally pay attention to.”

  “She didn’t talk to me either, but that’s not that unusual. She went into avoidance mode.”

  The flight attendant brought our drinks. I thanked her and took a sip of my whiskey. It was good. Maybe I could just spend the rest of my life drunk.

  The attendant moved back to Apollo and Helen.

  “He’s occupied for a moment,” Michael whispered. “What can we do?”

  “Nothing. We’re stuck with an asshole god who enslaved a siren, and who calls muses out whenever he wants, but then casts them aside when he’s done with them.”

  “And you think he’s going to cast us aside?”

  “No. And that’s the problem.”

  Apollo joined us and took a seat across from me. “My hearing is better than you think.”

  “How nice for you,” I said.

  “Not quite the level of respect you should be paying me, Brett.” Apollo leaned over to look back at Helen. “Hey, siren, get over here and join the conversation.”

  Kevin got up from the table. “Me too?”

  Apollo pointed at him and a lightning bolt struck Kevin in the head. Kevin slammed backward against the wall of the plane, then face-planted on the table. He pushed himself to his hands and knees, grinned, and said, “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”

  “Have this,” Apollo said and a metal clamp secured itself inside Kevin’s mouth so he couldn’t speak.

  He danced on the table and clapped his hands. Apollo motioned toward Kevin again and metal rods wrapped around his wrists, and pinned him to the wall of the plane.

  “Those vibrate on his level, so they ought to hold him for a while.” Apollo glared at me. “Your father sucks.”

  “At least we agree on something,” I said.

  “If you’ll focus your magic, you can will that damn demon out of here.”

  “Not sure how to do that,” I said.

  “You focus your desire,” Apollo said. He leaned out again. “Helen, get your ass over here. We need to discuss the tour.”

  “Discuss it yourself,” she said.

  His lips flared back revealing clenched teeth. “Don’t make me have security bring you over here,” he said.

  “Security?” I asked.