Pelham High Diaries: Eleanor

by LK Thompson

  Morg’s body stiffened and she stumbled away from me.

  It felt good to be mad, “You know what would be nice? Maybe if you asked about me for once. I gave you plenty of bait, and still, nothing. Why, Morgan? Am I that uninteresting to you? Am I too boring? Or maybe I’m just useless! You only pay attention to people you can use to achieve something, is that it?”

  The truth of my own words struck me hard. Morgan is a user.

  She shrugs her indifference. Oh so cool. Doesn’t care about anything. I’m disgusted and say it, “Fine. Don’t admit it, but I’m gonna tell you something. You think I’m a space cadet with no depth? Well, I have feelings, Morgan, and I hate how you and Taryn have gone off the freaking deep end. I hate how Harlow is hurting all alone and I hate that I don’t know if I’m allowed to save her because you and Taryn have so many rules! And I hate that I’m only allowed three friends and I can’t trust any of them!”

  I almost think I’m going to break in half and howl a primal release that would save me from this hell. I had never felt so pissed off! I took a deep breath, “But none of that means I can start popping pills to make me numb. You think I don’t wanna disappear? I’ve tried! These things are happening. Your mom sucks, Morgan. Sorry, but she does. And you aren’t her. So if you start becoming her, I’m going to murder you. You have too much going for you and your mom doesn’t. She’s a loser. There, I said it. I’m not pretending anymore. If you mess it up now, what was all the hard work for? All those good grades? Do not be your mother.”

  Glassy-eyed, Morgan cleared her throat and asked, “How do you know that? About my Mom?”

  Her voice sounded the way it did in grade school. Young and naïve. I couldn’t believe the question, to be honest. “Jesus, Morgan!” I shouted, “You think we don’t know? The whole school knows! She never leaves the house, your house is a wreck and when your mom does step foot outside, her jowls droop like an eighty year old’s. Or a drug addict’s, which is exactly what she is. Not to mention, it kinda got around to our parents when she went off to rehab years back. It’s more obvious than your love for Devin! Your Mom is an emotionally abusive pill popper. It’s no secret!”

  She should have run and covered my mouth to stop me. Her mother was home after all. But, Morgan only sat down on the step in her foyer, her face fallen. I waited, panting, thinking I’d finally gotten through to her. But, all she said was, “I think you should go. I have homework to do.”

  2/8

  The pressure on my chest is astounding. I roll to my side in bed, but can’t find relief. The walls are pushing in, threatening to crush me. My eyes dart in every direction for a safe exit, but there’s none. What am I supposed to do? I don’t have anyone to ask for help! I texted Harlow and deleted it. I texted Morgan to apologize and deleted it. Had I been too harsh on her? I didn’t even attempt to text Taryn because I’m not sure how to approach her. And all I want to do is run away to Jimmy’s and sit in the dressing room with Mike, Ron, Crystal and Marta. I wanted Crystal to lend me a lipstick that would make my teeth look snow white. Or have Marta straighten my hair and tell me stories about the married men she’s currently dating. I wanted Mike to whisper in my ear or text me, Code 5050.

  I even wished I could ask Craig advice. Or sit with him at lunch instead of my friends, but I know that’s girlfriend territory and I’d rather not add one more thing to my plate.

  When I turn on Babble, I’m overwhelmed by opinions bombarding me. People hate Harlow. They despise Taryn. There’s name calling and ranting in all caps. I don’t know who I agree with or how I feel because it’s complicated. I can’t separate their thoughts from mine and it’s head splitting. Only one post catches my eye:

  TARYN’S BFF, HARLOW SUCKED FACE WITH TONY-TARYN’S NEWEST BF-AT TARYN’S OWN HOUSE. Hahahahaha

  I literally can’t stop laughing. Those girls are vile

  We are vile? What have I done? I want to say something in my defense, but it makes perfect sense. We are vile. A disease.

  I called Craig but his voice was agitated, “Sorry, but I gotta go. Heading to the movies.”

  I called Mike who asked if he could pick me up. I was anxious to see him and agreed, but the second I landed in his car, his voice was impatient. He urged, “C’mon, Elle, spend the night. Why wouldn’t you want to? You’ve never even seen my condo. Don’t you like me, too?”

  We drove until we’re parked outside of Jimmy’s and I felt tears getting caught in my throat. It was all too much. “Of course I like you. How could you second guess that?”

  He turned off his car and looked at me, “So, what then? What’s the big problem?”

  “I’ve messed this sorta thing up before,” I pleaded, “I don’t wanna do it again. Not with you.”

  He’s offended. “Whatever. If you don’t wanna be with me, I’m not chasing you.”

  I’ve heard him get pissed at customers before, but never me. It hurt and made me want to fix everything immediately. I begged, “Don’t be mad at me, Mike. Please. I can’t handle it if you’re mad at me too.”

  “Then, come home with me. Tonight, after your shift. Show me that you want to be with me.”

  I leaned over the console and I kissed him as my mind raced. Maybe he was right. “Okay,” I said.

  We stayed there, parked for over an hour. His hands were everywhere and it was exactly what I wanted. I moved to the drivers seat and couldn’t believe what we were doing right in the parking lot of our job. It was a rush that I didn’t want to end. If I was going to lose all of my friends, at least I had him. But, then there was a knock on the window, that sent us scrambling. It was Crystal.

  “Yo, there’s a guy here for you,” she said.

  Mike looked into his rearview mirror and adjusted himself, “Shit. Who is it?”

  “He’s not here for you. He’s here for her.” She yelled through the glass, pointing at me.

  “Shit!” I jumped out of the car and fixed my skirt and t-shirt, my heart was tearing through my chest. All I could think is that it was Craig and I’m caught. It’s Dad and I’m dead. It’s Principle Rowan and I’m expelled.

  My whole body shook. What was I thinking?!

  Inside stood a boy. He was familiar, but I couldn’t place him. Then, it hit me. The boy from the parking lot. The one who stands in Taryn’s parking space every morning, that Taryn almost killed. He was on the football team with Jake, too. Eric.

  “Hey. What’s up?” I asked.

  “Eleanor, I really need your help. It’s Taryn. She’s lost her mind and talking in circles. I’m worried she’s gonna do something really bad. Something she regrets.”

  2/9

  February is the darkest month. All sunlight is wasted while we sit in a building with no windows and listen to teachers drone on about nonsense. I left Jimmy’s to confront Taryn. I ditched my promise with Mike to help her, just like Eric asked me to. I texted her and begged for her to calm down. I heeded Eric’s warning and did my part. But, Taryn didn’t hear me, her eyes laser focused and deranged.

  Everyone was right. Our friendships were a disease. A cult.

  I want out.

  At Jimmy’s, Mike’s still upset with me for not coming to his condo and it shows. He doesn’t say hi and two hours pass before I can find an excuse to walk close enough to ask, “What, no hello?”

  “Oh, sorry. Busy night.” His eyes are glued to his computer screen.

  In the kitchen, Roy is leaned over a plated steak and says, “Don’t let it bother you so much.”

  My heart twisted, “Why wouldn’t I? Everything’s going to shit!”

  “This is what he does when he hasn’t gotten his way—don’t let it mess with your head. He’s a tantrum thrower. He wants your attention. I can only guess what he’s upset over, and of course I wanna tell you not to fall for it, but you probably won’t listen to me. Right? No girls ever do.”

  I’m confused. Where was Roy’s animosity coming from! How were all of the once adoring men in my life angry all at once
? “Please Roy,” I said, “Cut me a break. I’m not as dumb as you think I am.”

  My heart is sick, hoping Roy’s wrong and that Mike will beg for me—prove everyone wrong. After so many months of holding myself back from him, I’d succeeded. We never went too far. So, what changed?

  2/10

  When an entire city starts to crumble, how can anybody stop it? The bridges should’ve been built stronger. The homes needed better maintenance. And nobody cared until it was too late. In a flash, we’re running from the dust clouds and destruction. All we can do is try to save ourselves!

  Roy was right and Mike’s a jerk.

  I watched him in the parking lot of Jimmy’s last night talking to a skinny girl with wispy blonde hair and thin lips. Not caring who saw. Least of which, me. The sight of it stung in such a way, I wondered if I’d been shot. My stomach seized and I choked back vomit. Who was she?

  Of course it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he invited her there to show me my place. Fight for him or let him go. Did he want a brawl? My brain thought to a moment on the beach, when I rested in his arms and he looked at me, brushing the hair from my face and kissing my lips softly and carefully. When he said, Don’t worry, I’ve got your back—was it all fake?

  This was so much different than when I was with Jake, because I didn’t give him the control. Not once, not ever! I’d waited my whole life to become this girl. I lit up the room. I made him weak in the knees. He admitted it!

  But, now it’s his turn to show me who was boss. So, I worked late. I gave him every opportunity to make it up to me. But, he didn’t.

  And it’s because of his carelessness, I wasn’t with Taryn. And because I wasn’t with Taryn, she unleashed on Harlow in front of our peers at The Bean coffee shop. Her venom sprung from all angles, captured by our classmates on their many phones. It’s undeniable and posted all over Babble. Watching it, I can feel the fury. Taryn spat molten lava as Harlow ran out into the streets. Someone posted a version of it in slow motion with the words SHE’S GONE RABID scribbled across.

  At the end of the video, Taryn directed everyone to Babble where she posted a picture from our sleepover last year. The one where Harlow drank too much and peed in her pants. We were mad because she she fell asleep in her underwear without helping us clean it up. Harlow’s not a drinker. It was a private night with best friends and yet Taryn was able to access it in minutes. Had she planned this? Harlow ran to her car only she didn’t make it home. Distracted by betrayal and public humiliation, she was in a car accident. Some people say a pickup truck hit her head on and others say she slammed into the stop sign, which spun her into the intersection with her phone in her hand.

  I called and called but there’s no answer. It takes an hour for me to realize she won’t be picking up any phone calls because this is not a silly teenage mistake. No, this is real and she may never wake up.

  All because of me.

  2/12

  Morgan and Taryn walked near me this morning. A wave of nausea repelled me and rendered me dizzy. Taryn stared so deeply into my eyes, I heaved. These girls. My best friends.

  Vile.

  A disease.

  The lemmings knew all along that we were the problem. We were lethal. It angers me. I hissed, “What Taryn?”

  “I want to die.”

  “That’s convenient.” I say, because it is. “You want to run a hundred miles per hour off a cliff and then ask for help as you fall to your death. Well, I’m not buying it. You know what people call us, right? A disease. They think we kill people. Look at what you’ve done. They’re right.”

  Morgan gripped her head in pain and wiped her nose as if she’s physically caught allergic side effects from the disease herself. Taryn turned silent again. I asked, “Wanna know what I think? We’re not a normal disease, like syphilis or the black plague. We’re like a banyan tree.”

  Morgan raised her eyes in curiosity and Taryn scrunched her brow in confusion. I continued, “A beautiful disease. That’s how it got so bad. We fed off our host until we were the only thing visible. With PHS, with Harlow, we sucked out all the good and nobody noticed it happening because we were intricate and interesting—pretty to look at and a distraction from their plain lives. But in the end, a disease is a disease.”

  I’ve said my peace. And I walked away from Taryn and Morgan to start a new chapter. On my own.

  2/13

  Mike is at my house when I get home.

  Mike is at Jimmy’s when I start my shift.

  I ignored him after he spoke with the with wispy-haired blonde girl in the parking lot. I don’t give spoiled children attention, I’d thought, maneuvering through the rest of my shift undeterred. I also wanted to show Roy that I was strong. A girl who was different. My knees buckled when Mike brushed up against me, but I didn’t let on and walked out into the night. Alone. Confident, I wouldn’t be his puppet.

  But then, the accident happened and Mike feels like he has to console me. I don’t want it.

  He said, “Elle, you’re driving me crazy. I can’t take it when you’re mad at me. I know you’re upset over what happened with your friend, but I need you to understand—that girl you saw me with is nobody! I mean, she is someone, but she’s just a friend of mine from ten years ago! Please, trust me. You’re the only one who gets me. The only one who even tries.”

  I’m as cold as ice, determined to be strong. I know my worth. At least I pray I do.

  2/14

  Roses, lilacs, sunflowers, posies. Even peonies for Mom.

  Walking into the dressing room at Jimmy’s, I’m in awe. It as if someone relocated an entire flower shop. There’s not one lonesome surface without a vase or cellophane wrapped bouquet spilling onto it.

  “Would someone mind moving the forrest of wildflowers off my makeup case!?” Crystal screamed and tossed a bouquet from her vanity to the floor. “Hey Bella, can you bring some of these somewhere? We can’t exactly get ready under these conditions!”

  I ran to her, my heart pounding. “What is all this? Marta, are these from that new guy you’ve been seeing?” I asked.

  My fingers grazed the petals of a sunflower as Marta ran past me, grinning. “Hmm…maybe!”

  Jimmy entered and exhaled a sarcastic breath, “Ha! So much for rules. Nobody listens to me anyway.”

  I changed into my shorts and turned to find Roy. “Roy! Hey!,” I waved at him as he carefully extended a ladle of gravy onto a plate of mashed potatoes. I asked, “Did you see all the flowers in the dressing room?”

  He didn’t look up. “Nope.”

  “Well, there’s a billion. Think it’s from one of the regulars?”

  “Nope.”

  “I mean, I guess it could be from anyone,” I said cluelessly. “It’s just weird that nobody else finds this interesting whatsoever. Marta didn’t care at all!”

  Finally, he looked at me and sighed, “Neither do I. Need a tray for shots?”

  “Sure.”

  I swiped it from his hands and turned. A man with a duffel bag unloaded equipment and wore headphones. That’s right, there was a DJ tonight, I thought. I dodged him best I could and apologized, “Excuse me! Sorry!”

  That’s when I saw Mike, against the wall, a single rose in his hand. His smile was playful, giddy almost and it didn’t take another second to feel the quicksand underfoot. A laugh bubbled out from inside me, but so did tears. I was so sad and so happy. I was going to explode.

  Mike used his foot to push off the wall and approach me. “You like it?” He asked. Without thinking I jumped into his arms. In front of everyone. During my shift. I can’t explain why I thought it’d be okay, but I did. And I kissed him. In front of everyone. During my shift. My heart was on fire and I was sure the crowd could see it.

  I asked, “You did all this?!”

  “Happy Valentines Day.” His smile was big and perfect and he kissed me again. I was embarrassed for Roy to see us. This is a rollercoaster that he didn’t buy tickets for. But, I never c
laimed to be perfect, no matter how much I hoped.

  Right before bed, I texted Craig, Sorry—I know I’ve been a bitch for stringing you along, but with the accident and all. I just need a break.

  He wrote back instantly, I understand.

  I’m relieved, because I finally made a decision and what I told Craig was true. Since the accident, I feel so messed up. Craig’s too good and I don’t deserve it. Maybe Mike and I can be messed up together.

  2/15

  Mom and Dad think the flowers are from Craig. Craig thinks I can’t handle a relationship right now. My house looks like a funeral parlor.

  I love you.

  Mike said it last night after we left work, before dropping me at home. He texted it to me again this morning. He loves me. I’m worthy of love. Mike loves me.

  2/16

  So, we’re in love. It’s the highest I’ve ever felt—like climbing a mountain for months and finally reaching the summit.

  Sitting in my room, I wrote Harlow a card to apologize whole heartedly. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and right all my wrongs even if Morgan and Taryn won’t. I’m not sisters with them anymore. I’ve already decided. I have someone who loves me and that will be enough. Sealing the envelope, my phone buzzed with a text from Roy that read, Surprise! I’m in your driveway. You home?

  I jumped off my bed and ran downstairs to find Mom already at the door and talking his ear off about a recipe she saw Rachel Ray try on television. Do you really need paprika? I mean, I always thought that was a nothing spice, but she made it sound so necessary. It’s nine dollars! Roy smiled politely, while the straps to her tank top fell loosely around her shoulders. I cringed, all too familiar with the scene and diverted Roy’s attention politely.

  “Roy! Hey! Wanna take a ride with me to the hospital? I’ve gotta drop a card off.”