Pelham High Diaries: Eleanor

by LK Thompson

  I honestly hope Taryn Casey goes to jail.

  Morgan too.

  Everyone thinks Taryn’s an alcoholic and a murderer. Morgan, a lesser version of both. Does Babble saying it make it true? I keep reading until I see a picture of Craig sitting beside Annabelle in the empty PHS bleachers. The caption reads, Annabelle and Craig sighting! And it hurts. Of course it does. I wish he’d done something awful to me. I wish he’d been the player that Devin McCabe warned me about. But, someone should’ve warned him.

  Today I called out of work then texted Craig. I asked if he would meet me. Please, just give me ten minutes, I begged. He responded by simply texting back, Sure, you can come here.

  Walking up to his front door made me sick with nerves. After what I’ve put him through, it felt like a privilege to be in his house. He answered the door and his body language was cold. Even if we weren’t exclusive, I cheated on him. I played him in the worst way. I neglected his feelings horribly.

  “Can you take a walk with me?”

  “It’s freezing and I’ve got plans with Annabelle in an hour. Just come inside.”

  The fact that he won’t take my suggestion made me uncomfortable so I walked inside behind him. I waved politely to his mom and wondered what she thought of me. In his room, he shut the door behind us and sat on the floor, “So, what’s up?”

  I just spit it out, “I’m really sorry, Craig.”

  Tense and uncomfortable, he answered, “You’ve apologized already—don’t worry about it.”

  “No, I know. It’s just…I’m really disappointed in myself. I lay awake in bed at night, and the whole year replays on a loop, with all my mistakes front and center. I hurt you. I ignored Harlow’s cry for help. I was a bad friend to Taryn and Morgan.”

  Craig interrupted me, “Um, I can understand the stuff about me and Harlow, but Taryn and Morgan? That’s a stretch.”

  “I’ve made so many mistakes! How do we know that if I had been with Taryn on the night of the accident, all of this wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe if I’d stopped being their friends years ago, everyone would be safe now—we’ve had problems for years! Maybe it’s always been a toxic web of bullshit!”

  “Elle, stop.” Craig interrupted, “Taryn’s a bully and a loose cannon. This was bound to happen. It just was. I went to like, a dozen of her parties and each one was just a grander showing of her instability.”

  “You’re probably right. But, deep inside, I feel compelled to tell you that she’s not all bad.”

  Craig stared at me and said, “Listen. I don’t care if you never talk to Taryn again personally. And Morgan doesn’t exactly scream friendship to me. So, believe me, it’d almost be a relief if you ditched them for good. But also don’t say it and not do it. If you’re done with them, be done. But, if you’re not, say that too. You can get all philosophical if you want, or you can just start being honest and tell the truth. If you’re really sorry to me, act like it.”

  I thought about last night at Jimmy’s when Taryn jumped in to save me. “I’m probably not done.”

  Craig shrugged, matter of factly, “Good. Now you know.”

  “But, I need to find a way to make everything better.” I thought for a moment, “I’d be willing to be their friends if they changed. Bottom line.”

  How had I gotten stuck in a conversation about Taryn in Morgan with Craig? I leaned across the floor to hug Craig’s shoulders gently, “Thanks for listening. I’m sure this is the last thing you wanna be doing with your time.”

  “Then, you really don’t know me very well.” He smiled and my heart hurt at the sight. I scooted next to him and reached for his hand. Craig looked paralyzed by my touching him.

  “I’m taking Annabelle out later, so…”

  “Of course!” I tore my hand from his and apologized, “Sorry. I just…I really miss you.”

  Craig sighed, as if I were selfish to say that after everything I’d done to him. “How’s your job?” He asked, changing the subject. That’s when it hit me. The big picture. If I wanted to be a better person, I knew what I needed to do.

  “Oh Jimmy’s? I’m gonna quit.” I said. If I quit, I’ll be one step closer to figuring everything out. I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner.

  3/7

  Tonight at work, a guy tried to grab my ass. He was one of the drunk stage dwellers, who are the most die-hard patrons in Jimmy’s. They sit at the stage almost daily, bellies hanging over their pants, shots overflowing in front of them while they holler the dancer’s names. They cheer with every trick and moan when the dancers give them a wink. At Christmas, they hand out cards, and if you saw them on the street, you’d feel bad for them because they appear old, weak, and sad. They’re also all alcoholics with an aggressive relationship to booze.

  Crystal walked on stage and his focus was glued to her. He waved me over without so much as a glance and I placed his shot on the bar. He passed me a wad of singles, that I tucked away gingerly in my apron. Then, just as he had reached out to hand me cash, his hand reached out again, but this time it was grabbing me.

  I dropped my tray on the table and slapped his hand, but I guess Roy had been watching from the kitchen, because he ran out to take care of the rest. He pushed the man in his chest and screamed, “Hey, asshole! Keep your hands to yourself!”

  I searched for Mike and Jimmy, but it was just Roy and I. Alone to fend for ourselves. I ran out the back door for some fresh air and Roy jogged out behind me, “Mike’s gonna come out here, ya know? I just saw him. Want me to tell him to back off?”

  “No, it’s fine,” I relented.

  “Are you kidding? At Jimmy’s, nothing’s fine. This place pisses me off, man. That new bouncer Keith shoulda been there quicker than me. That’s his entire job! But, they don’t take that shit seriously because he’s a regular. They just let it play out when it’s their staff at risk. Time and time again. I’m so sick of it.” Roy was more pissed than I’d ever seen him and I felt awful for being the reason. I probably only make his shifts worse.

  “Thanks for sticking up for me. I don’t get why this keeps happening lately. It’s like everyone has cabin fever the deeper into winter we get. Or maybe there’s a full moon.” I looked up.

  Roy exhaled, “Nope, not a full moon. Just Jimmy’s, the central meeting grounds for the scum of the earth.” Then, he bowed his head and walked inside as Mike walked out.

  At this point, I was freezing cold and shivering. My butt was resting on the bike rack, which was metal and icy. My spandex shorts stuck to the frame. Mike sat next to me wordlessly for two whole minutes before my adrenaline dissipated. I shifted my weight to stand, signaling my exit but Mike pulled at my hand to keep me near.

  “I can’t take seeing you like this, Bella.”

  “Like what?” I genuinely had no clue what he was talking about.

  “Angry. At me.”

  I laughed. Of course he only cared about that. Not the old man who’d just manhandled me. “I’m not mad at you, Mike. I’m mad at the perv who just touched my ass.”

  “Wish I saw. I woulda killed him.”

  “No, you wouldn’t. He’s a regular.”

  “I miss you, Elle. I keep thinking about that night in my car. I don’t think I’ve ever missed someone this much before.”

  My conversation with Craig flashed in my mind. Yep, it sounded selfish. I sighed, and asked sarcastically, “What about your new girlfriend? She doesn’t like watching movies in your truck?”

  “Cara? She’s a girl I dated ages ago and uses me as a connection for other stuff. Stuff you wouldn’t understand.”

  “Like what stuff? Is she a pill head? What’s up with this year and pills?” I’m talking about Morgan, but he doesn’t know that.

  “Yeah, I guess I shoulda known you’d have noticed. Jimmy’s doesn’t exactly cover my mortgage, you know? Anyway, Cara’s got all sorts of problems and her doctor can’t prescribe her everything she needs. It’s easier for me working here because there’s like an
endless underground supply. That’s all I’m good for to her, trust me.”

  It adds up and makes perfect sense. Yet, I say, “I can’t.”

  “Okay, don’t trust me. But, let me at least drive you home.”

  “I didn’t even clock out,” It’s true. I ran when the guy touched me, not thinking about the rest of my shift.

  “I’ll text Jimmy. He can do it.”

  Why were my defenses crumbling? Is it possible that I’m not as strong as I think I am. I could hear the battle cries ringing out in my head for the entire ride. Do the right thing. Don’t give in to temptation. Your lack of self control is what messed this whole year up in the first place. I thought about Babble calling me a slut.

  But, did I listen?

  We were three streets from my house when he sensed that I wouldn’t object him pulling over to the side of the road to kiss me. He stared straight into my eyes. I could smell his cologne and it didn’t seem fair that I had to sit in his truck, surrounded by his smells and his music. Memories and emotions from the past were crushing me. He brushed the hair out of my eyes and wrapped his hand behind my head to pull me into him. I didn’t resist. And I still don’t know why.

  It was one of the nicest familiar feelings and yet so fleeting because the moment we pulled away, a sadness consumed me.

  I haven’t changed.

  3/8

  You coming in tonight? I don’t see your name on the schedule. Mike’s name is back on my phone and I like it.

  No, I have tests I need to study for this week.

  What am I gonna do? I can’t be here without you. I laughed at his overdramatic reaction and type, You’ll survive somehow.

  My phone buzzed again the second I put it down. It’s Roy. Did Mike take you home last night? Are you guys still dating?

  I dread responding, but do it anyway. He did and I know I’m an idiot, don’t worry. Save yourself the pep talk.

  I thought you’d finally moved on. Wasn’t that the plan?

  You have Gwen, but right now I have nobody. I cut Craig loose and the only friend I wanna talk to, won’t answer my calls.

  Don’t blame your friend—if you’re still hanging out with Mike, you gotta just admit it. This is all you.

  3/10

  If you looked closely at Jake’s Jeep, you wouldn’t see it. If you stared at his face, you’d think he fell asleep in class or bruised himself rough-housing with the guys during practice. You’d never nag him for the gory details over what happened. I doubt he’d be honest, if you did.

  But, I know the truth about last night.

  The moon was full or close to it, and nothing felt right. The ocean waves loomed large, crashing down angrily as the stars sat unsettled in the night sky. The universe was signaling a storm and I felt it all around me.

  Mike texted me in the morning, Thought about you all night. Come over tonight. I’ll cook you dinner. I’ll order your favorite dessert. I’ll do anything to be with you. Meet me tonight at Charlie’s on the boardwalk. I’ve gotta meet my friend and will take you out after.

  Just like old times, before I knew about him kissing Cara, or illegally selling pills, he barked an idea and I pretended to mull it over—hmm, the boardwalk with Mike or sit home and call Harlow once again, only to be ignored or sent to voicemail?

  When I arrived, Mike was nothing like the Mike I daydream about in class. His voice was sharp and prickly. He was ranting to the manager of Charlie’s Cheesesteaks—an old friend of his from high school—about being ripped off by a customer. I slid onto the stool next to him, and Mike paused his conversation long enough to introduce us, “Elle, this is Derek. Derek, this is Elle.”

  Eager to change the subject, Derek turned to me, “Elle! I hear you work with Mike at Jimmy’s—not dancing I hope. Bartender? You look young, though—even for Mike! What school do you go to?”

  I stuttered at his firestorm of observations, unsure of how I should answer, “Oh, um. Pelham High.”

  Derek howled, “A high school girl?! What’re you doin hanging around with this guy?”

  I laughed awkwardly, and shrugged, “I often wonder the same thing!”

  I wanted to sound playful, but next to me, Mike snarled and possessively put his arm around my shoulders, ignoring Derek’s question completely, To me, Mike asked, “You cold? I have an extra hoodie in my car.”

  “No,” I said, "I’m okay.”

  Being with Mike outside of Jimmy’s is always unusual, but being in the presence of other people makes it even weirder. I didn’t know my place. Am I Mike’s girlfriend? What should I say? How do I fit into his life here?

  Mike slammed his soda onto the table, “Yeah, well I’m not okay. Rick stiffed me fifty bucks two weeks ago after claiming some old lady druggie messed up his cash flow and now his phone’s dead. I’m not ending the night without my payback—what does he think this is—a charity? I’m a nice guy and all, but I don’t do free.”

  The uncertainty in my stomach rumbled. Mike stood to leave and I agreed to follow him so I wouldn’t embarrass him in front of Derek, though I really didn’t want to be near him. I looked up to the moon. It was telling me something—don’t go. It’s not safe.

  Mike’s pace was swift as he whipped out his phone, called somebody, and yelled at them. He felt justified in his fury, but nothing about it felt right to me. He was prideful and overreacting or misplacing this animosity. Was it really about Cara? Or something that happened at Jimmy’s?

  We were almost at my car when I raised my head to see a familiar Jeep parked at the opposite end of the parking lot from Mike’s truck. People were inside—faceless bodies, moving shadows. And I don’t know why but something about Jake’s car made me stop dead in my tracks.

  Mike noticed my pause and followed my gaze. “What?”

  “Nothing.” I said, but he wasn’t buying it.

  “Doesn’t look like nothing.” He pressed, “What is it? Who’s car is that?”

  “No ones.” I fumbled with my words and admitted, “It’s just. It’s my ex.”

  Mike scoffed, “That shit-head who dumped you like a year ago?”

  “Yeah, it was forever ago,” I agreed, “Halloween, actually. Don’t worry about it. He’s a total dweeb.”

  Suddenly, Mike was a rolling stone, flying fast. I ran after him, but it was too late. Mike’s fist was pounding on the door of Jake’s Jeep so hard I thought it might shatter. He kicked it with the heel of his boot.

  The window rolled down to unveil Jake’s face, his expression nothing short of terrified. He was trying his hardest to remain calm. He asked, “Hey man, is there a problem?”

  Mike puffed his chest and asked, “You used to date Elle Moser, right?”

  Jake’s eyes flickered, confused. Then, he looked past Mike to see me, “Uh, yeah…”

  All it takes is a single punch and Michelle is screaming louder than my ears can handle. So high-pitched, I wondered if Jake’s dead. Everything happened so fast and I’m telling Michelle to calm down. I’m looking frantically for Mike, who vanished with a final punch to Jake’s door.

  No goodbye.

  Jake cradled his head and yelled wildly, no doubt coming to grips with what just happened. I turned to Michelle, “He needs ice. Get him home and get ice on it now!”

  “I can’t drive! Who was that guy?!” Michelle’s voice was shrill. It’s the first time we’ve talked and I had no plans to make the conversation any longer than it had to be. “He’s just a guy! Now go get ice unless you want your precious boyfriend to look like Frankenstein, okay? If you ice it, he’s gonna be fine.”

  I reached through the window to hold Jake’s face. His lip was bleeding and his nose was already swelling. I find Jake’s shoulder and squeezed it twice. I’m sorry. The night had unraveled into a nightmare, there’s no denying it. I took off running as fast as I could to my car. And as I drove in silence, my mind raced.

  I don’t breathe properly until I’ve stepped inside my house and locked the door behind me. Everly
was on the couch, dozing off with Mom and Dad, a rerun of Judge Judy playing on the television. I sat beside her and wrap my arms around her to calm my nerves. My hands were shaking and I don’t know how I’ll ever sleep again.

  My two worlds didn’t just collide—they exploded.

  3/11

  Jake’s cheek is puffy and red, with only a shadow of bruising. His lip is cut, but not too bad. I wondered if Michelle took my advice to ice it. She must’ve. I successfully made it to fourth period before passing either one of them and luckily for me, it was Jake I saw first. My hands shook at the sight of him. When he registered me, he immediately fixed his gaze to the ground.

  I took stock of the faces surrounding us and approached him carefully, “Listen, Jake. I didn’t tell him to hit you.”

  “No?” He snapped, “Then why’d he do it? And who was he? I thought you were dating Craig.”

  Hadn’t he seen the pictures of Craig and Annabelle on Babble? I ignored his second question, but answered the first, “I honestly don’t know why. But, I’d never ask anyone to hurt you, Jake, you know that.”

  “I got punched in the face and my Jeep’s door is completely bent. I had to tell my parents it happened while we were in the movies because my Dad was freaking out, thinking I got in an accident. I don’t know anything. Who was that guy, Elle? Why won’t you tell me?”

  I shrugged, intent that I don’t owe him answers I can’t give. “I’m sorry. Really.”

  “Fine. Don’t tell me, but I gotta say—I went to Frank’s Pizza last week and they never heard of you. For someone who acted high and mighty when I lied in our relationship, you sure have some secrets of your own.”

  I smirked, “You’re right. I do. Can’t believe it took you this long to figure out, honestly.”

  Jake’s lips curled, “You really never worked there? Man, you told me you were there every day!”

  I shook my head. And then, I don’t know why, but I laughed.