Epocalypse: Inception.

by G. Adler

  “My apologies, fellow student. On first glance, I didn’t realize that you were going for the Evil Sailor Moon look.”

  Her eyes sparkle with rainbows and unicorns. With a coy smile she says, “You like it?”

  “Love it. Although, I think only Sailor Venus wore a black skirt that short and the pink tank top is definitely Sailor Mars. The makeup is very Queen Beryl!”

  Her eyes go wide with surprise and she claps her hands, “You know the show!”

  “Of course. But only the original bootlegs from Japan.”

  “Why would you watch those?”

  “Because in the original version, all of the Sailor Guardians are completely naked. What guy wouldn’t want to watch that?”

  Her smile fades and she rolls her eyes to the sky. I look away for a moment and pull out my phone, setting it to record before placing it in the mesh pocket in the front of my backpack. When I am certain that it is fastened correctly, I turn to the girl and say, “Hey, how long were you standing there?”

  She pops a bubble while thinking about it and says, “I dunno. Five minutes maybe?”

  I clap my hands onto my cheek, turn to Duts and say, “Holy guacamole, Sir, you just proved one of the most important scientific principles on Earth!”

  Duts’ face lights up like I just made his day. “I have?”

  “Yes, Sir. Look at what you’ve done to one of my fellow seniors! She is conclusive proof that nothing grows in the absence of sunlight. Talk about a lunar eclipse! No offense, Sir, but you might want to consider the gastric band thing. Repeat after me: ‘type two diabetes.’”

  Duts’ face reddens and his grip tightens on his clipboard. His pudgy cheeks suck in and his eyes glaze over. His voice trembles and his eyes dart back and forth like he is searching for something. His mouth opens and closes but no sound comes out, unless you count the strangled noises coming from his throat.

  “I—I—I have to return to the office. There is a lot to do today—sorry—bye.”

  He turns on one foot to run away but slips on the concrete. His folder goes flying from his hands and he does a nose dive into the grass. I start to laugh but go over to him to make sure he is still alive.

  “You okay, Sir? At least your face hit that patch of moist soil and not the concrete! Just think of the weeds that you just swallowed as roughage. You’re well on your way to a slimmer you!”

  Duts coughs and sputters as he tries to climb to his feet. With quivering hands he attempts to adjust his glasses but doesn’t notice that one arm is broken. It continuously slips off his face and drops, making him stumble as he goes.

  Once Duts is out of sight, the girl blows one last bubble before falling to the ground in hysterical laughter. She snorts a few times before finally getting to her feet but then bursts into tiny giggles every few seconds. When she collects herself she says, “Please tell me that you got all of that on your phone?”

  “What…How…When…”

  She rolls her eyes at me yet again and flips one of her blond ponytails through her fingers. “Boys! You can dress them up and take them to the dance but you just can’t hide the stupid.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “My name is Maya Paige. I’m here to show you around… sorta. I don’t normally do this kind of thing but, well, you’ll see.”

  I blink my eyes and open my mouth to ask her to explain but I can’t think of what to say. She smiles at my expression, taps my face playfully, and says, “That’s a good, vapid boy. Now follow me.”

  Without even knowing why, I follow the pixie as she walks along. Her step is so light that I have to push people out of my way to keep up. It’s like her body is able to fit in the space between people. Every now and again she points to the left or right and nonchalantly indicates a room or section of the school.

  “Okay, so that’s where all the obnoxious jocks hang out, male and female. I hate each of them equally. Down there is nerd central, while the photography room is on the left. The uber gross, yicky, disgusting cafeteria…”

  “Uber gross, yicky, disgusting?”

  “You got a problem with that?”

  “No, no. Yicky it is!”

  The tour continues this way for about ten minutes. I hear all about the goopy-stinky labs and the pretty flower field. About the only thing Maya seems to hold any respect for is the computer lab, which earns her a fearful look from the teacher inside. When I ask her about it she says, “I’m just too cute. Some people have a tough time with it. I learn to deal.”

  With a wicked grin on her face, she blows the teacher a kiss. The reaction is a quick shudder before looking away. Maya pops another bubble, turns to me, and says, “Okay, so that’s the nickel tour. Any chance you want to upgrade?”

  Her expression is calm but she taps her foot expectantly while playing with one of her pigtails. I raise an eyebrow and reply, “What’s the cost?”

  “Absolute and utter secrecy. You have to know how to keep your mouth shut!”

  “If there is one thing that I am sure of, it is that I have NO IDEA how to keep my mouth shut. I think you might have the wrong guy…”

  “No, Hayden. I know that I don’t.”

  Her expression becomes sly and playful. Gone is the little girl innocence. There is a cunning intelligence behind her blue eyes.

  “WHAT?”

  “Patience, mon ami, patience. Let the tour do its work.”

  She leads me to the back of the school and points to a door at the far end of a shadowy corridor.

  “Open it.”

  I grab the handle and push down on the lever. I swing the door open while swinging my body to the side… just in case.

  “Good instincts,” Maya notes.

  “Well, this is a very exciting janitor’s closet, but why do I need to see it?”

  “Tip the plunger on the top shelf towards you and listen for the click.”

  I look up and feel the blood drain from my cheeks. The toilet tool in question is encrusted with shits of yesteryear still caked onto its decaying rubbery surface. The odor is no better. My eyes well up with tears and I swallow hard to suppress the gag reflex.

  “Why the fuck would I touch that thing? I can practically taste the crap dripping off of it!”

  Maya confidently reaches up and swipes a piece of the crap onto her thumb. She then sucks on it with her index finger curled around her nose.

  “Yummy!”

  I actually grab at the wall as my stomach lurches.

  “It’s chocolate you idiot!”

  “Yeah, ass chocolate! I don’t know of any candy bars that smell like that!”

  “Nor will you. Homemade. Trust me.”

  Before I can reply she jams her thumb into my mouth. I immediately taste the sweetness against my tongue. My eyes go wide with shock while she smiles appreciatively.

  “See?”

  All I can do is nod.

  “Can I take my thumb out of your mouth now? I normally require at least dinner and a movie before something like this!”

  Her thumb leaves my mouth with an audible “pop.” All I can do is stare at her with my lips still shaped like her digit. When I can finally speak again I say, “Was this your idea?”

  Maya looks at me like I just told her that lip gloss is toxic. She folds her tiny arms across her almost non-existent chest and glares at me angrily.

  “Do I look like a girl who would smear fake chocolate on a plunger to make it look like poop?”

  “Is there a correct answer to that question?”

  She rolls her eyes once more and playfully says, “Just pull the plunger already!”

  I yank on the smooth wooden handle and hear the click she described. With almost no effort at all, Maya reaches forward and slides the entire shelf to the side. Behind it is a doorway that has been crudely carved out of the concrete and but
tressed with a series of two-by-fours. As soon as the shelf slides fully open, three lights illuminate a corridor leading steadily downwards.

  There is a loud thunk, which could be the lights or my jaw. Both seem equally loud to me.

  “Holy shit! Did you do this?”

  “Patience young grasshopper. All will be revealed in time.” She then pushes past me and leads the way down the tunnel. I pull out my phone to record the journey, but she makes a face as soon as I set it up.

  “You’re going to want to turn that off if you don’t want to lose all of your digital media.”

  “Why, are there aliens in there or something?”

  She thinks about it with a crooked smile on her face and says, “Ummm…kinda?”

  “You serious?”

  “Only if I have to be.”

  “Well, if you knew anything about me, you would know that I can keep my mouth shut but secrecy is not my thing.”

  “I do know you, which is why I have this…”

  She pulls out a lipstick case and pushes down on the lid. My phone immediately announces that it is switching back into factory default mode and that everything I had on it has been deleted as it reformats.

  “How the hell did you do that?”

  “Easy…I’m MAGICAL!” She then skips ahead while giggling to herself.

  About three feet in, she grabs at a chain and the shelf system swings back into place, sealing both of us in.

  I swallow hard and say, “Guess I’m committed now.”

  “You were kinda screwed the moment your dad dropped you off.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Wait…lemme guess. All in good time?”

  She stops in her tracks and makes her way back to me. She goes up on her tiptoes and kisses me on the nose. As she skips away she giggles and says, “And you can be taught too!”

  I shake my head and follow after. We walk for about twenty seconds and I can’t help but note the makeshift supports throughout. A dawning realization hits me and I say, “This isn’t some secret tunnel that the military carved out. You did this, didn’t you?”

  She shrugs and says, “We got the idea from those university guys in Toronto. We just took their man cave idea and added some sparkles and glitter!”

  Just as she finishes her sentence, we come to a solid metal door screwed into a number of thick-looking posts.

  “Who’s ‘WE’?”

  “Open the door and find out.”

  Chapter 12 - Hayden

  The door swings inward slowly and deliberately. I step back and revel at what is revealed.

  The perfect rec room is set up in front of me, just as if I was in a friend’s basement, complete with windows producing natural light. The only things that show it to be underneath the school are the huge posts and beams running across the ceiling. Even the drywall is painted a bright blue and the hardwood floor feels warm, even through my shoes. There are about a dozen lights hanging cheerfully from dark black chains on a few of the rafters. In one corner I notice a generator with a vent hose running up the wall and out of the room. It must be running but I can’t really hear a gas engine chugging along. Coming down from a few of the chain links are wires attached to normal-looking plugs. There is a fifty-inch plasma attached to one wall with the Xbox already humming along. I recognize Call of Duty instantly. It makes me want to rush over and jump onto the comfy-looking sectional sofa. That’s when I notice the back of some guy’s head, but that’s all I can see of him. His black, shoulder-length, wavy hair hangs greasily over a black leather jacket. He doesn’t bother to turn around.

  Behind the sofa is a massive wooden table that must weigh at least three hundred pounds. It is currently propped up on the shoulders of the largest black guy I have ever seen. The muscles in his shoulders flex under the strain, but he still has a wide and inviting smile on his face. Standing under the table is the weirdest-looking Korean girl I have ever seen. Her wire-rimmed glasses and distracted expression combined with short but haphazardly styled black hair makes her look like Jekyll and Hyde mad scientist mixed with summer camp slasher. She seems to be scraping multiple samples of something off of the underside of the table.

  A loud bang from the right draws my attention and I gasp. Without thinking I say, “You guys are cooking crystal meth, aren’t you?” There are Petri dishes filled with samples mixed with popping and fizzing test tubes over a series of workbenches and shelves that are mounted to the wall. Nestled off in the last corner is a punching bag that is attached by a chain to the ceiling and a handle that is arbitrarily attached to the wall. I squint and notice the rectangular outline around it.

  As soon as I speak, the three of them stop what they are doing and look my way. They then look at one another, shrug, and go right back to what they were doing.

  That’s when the big black guy sighs and speaks. Mondo’s voice is low and deep but still playful. “Joo-Eun, do we really need to see if it’s mold? I don’t really want to find out if it is.”

  The tiny Korean blinks multiple times behind her glasses as if her brain is working overtime. Finally, in a matter-of-fact, librarian-type tone she says, “It can’t be toxic mold, Tyrese. Ethan and I mixed up a super-concentrated antifungal.”

  “That doesn’t make me feel any better. Ethan has been known to make mistakes in the past!”

  That’s when leather boy raises his hand and protests, “Whoa, whoa! Now that’s crossing a line! I have never been wrong! Rule number one: Ethan is never wrong. Rule number two: if you EVER think Ethan is wrong… see rule number one.”

  Dr. Korea blinks again and says, “When did we make those rules?”

  Maya confidently pushes past me and says, “Ah, home sweet home. Mommy’s back, boys and girls! Did you miss me? If you haven’t already noticed, which I know you did, I brought you something to play with. It isn’t quite as pretty as I would like, but it should do.”

  I stare at her with a wounded puppy dog expression. I even manage to pucker out my lip. Maya claps her hands again and pinches my cheeks. “A few extra points might be in order.”

  That’s when leather boy pauses his game and turns around. He gets up from the couch and walks right up to me in the doorway. His choice of clothing can only be described as grungy Goth: a worn-out set of military cargo pants, black boots, and a faded Metallica t-shirt surrounded by a tattered black leather jacket. I meet the stare coming from his deep-set, dark brown eyes as he studies me. He then turns to Maya and says, “I thought you were looking for something…how did you put it…unicorny-ish? I believe that was the bastardization of language you used! This doesn’t seem to match that. Where did you find this? At the second-hand store?”

  Maya frowns.

  “What’s that supposed to mean, Ethan?”

  “Well look at him? His face is totally messed up! What did you have to do to get him here?”

  Maya looks at Ethan with her blue eyes flaring. She plants her hands on her hips and stares at him menacingly. “Excuse me? What is THAT supposed to mean?”

  “Never mind. I keep trying to tell you that sucking face is just a metaphor, but you just won’t listen! This is just like the time you chased me down and plastered my face with makeup just before school pictures!”

  Maya stomps right over to Ethan and goes up on her tippy toes so that she can be eye-to-nose with him.

  “Are you serious, Ethan? We had a deal! Nothing before third grade! I thought what happens in kindergarten stays in kindergarten. If not, then I am going to reinitiate my lawsuit against you. I want compensation for all of the Barbies you stuck fart bombs into!”

  He just throws up his hands, laughs and says, “Meh, whatever. Those were good times. Totally worth it! So why did you beat the shit out of him, then? And what did you smack him around with, a purse full of nail polish?”

  “No, that would have killed him. And by the way, I D
IDN’T DO THAT TO HIM!” Maya squeals and stomps over to the punching bag. She makes a terrible fist and smacks it angrily. Her hand pulls back almost immediately and shrieks, “Look what you did! I broke a nail! You’ll pay for that, Bartender! Kiss your credit rating goodbye!”

  Ethan stares her down with an intense glare and says, “Oh yeah? Then prepare for everything pink in your wardrobe to turn brown!”

  “You wouldn’t dare!”

  “Wouldn’t I? Have you forgotten that summer in fourth grade when you wouldn’t take off your hat?”

  Maya quickly claps her hands over her ears and chants, “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you. Ethan sucks and will never have a girlfriend. I can’t hear you. I can’t…”

  That’s when Joo-Eun walks over to me and begins examining my injuries. The moment she touches my face, the table leaves Tyrese’s shoulders and hits the floor with a bang that makes the entire bunker shudder. The expression on his face has become decidedly unfriendly. At this point he looks like a bear that is ready to attack. “Sorry about that…it slipped.”

  Ethan smirks while Maya just rolls her eyes. Ethan walks over to him and says, “Why don’t you let Guts do her thing. You can release your inner Tank on your seething-bag in the corner.”

  Still grumbling, Tyrese stalks his inanimate target like an alpha lion. With a practiced hand, he tapes his knuckles and begins to lay the smack down. The entire room shudders with each punch. Deep indents are made in the fabric and I even think I hear the occasional pop of a seam or two. My gaze is transfixed on him as he works out until a poke on my side makes me wince in pain.

  Joo-Eun continues her exam for a few more moments and announces, “Well, presuming he has neither genetic platelet abnormalities nor coagulation issues, he has moderate to severe bruising. I would say it is stage three and four. There is severe trauma to his orbital bone and upper nasal cartilage. He has a stage two contusion to two of his false ribs and there might be a hairline crack in his xiphoid process. I would have him on bed rest for three days along with painkillers and anti-inflammatory medication for a week.”