Epocalypse: Inception.

by G. Adler

  “MAYA!” I hiss.

  “What? He deserved it!”

  “Totally, but couldn’t you have done it quietly?”

  She sticks out her lip and pouts. “Sorry, Hayden.” She then walks over to Ethan and very quietly kicks him in the nuts while he’s still getting his bearings. Ethan crumples over and begins to moan quietly into the dirt. She looks at me and smiles innocently.

  “Better?”

  I reach around her tiny waist and give her a huge hug.

  Maya smiles from ear to ear and gives Joo-Eun a high five before advancing up the rope. Tyrese reaches down as far as he can and pulls her up the last few feet. Maya gives me the thumbs up once she is safe.

  I look down at Ethan and say, “You ready yet?”

  “I can taste my testicles!”

  “Any good?”

  “Needs a woman’s special sauce.”

  “That is WAY more information than I needed.”

  “Maybe, but I had to tell you anyway.”

  “Glad you think so…so are you ready?” He groans a few more times and I watch his face wince in pain.

  “I think my penis retreated up into my body.”

  “Is that a no?”

  “Gimme a second…”

  He gingerly gets to his feet and stretches it out. After a few squat thrusts, he looks at me and says, “You don’t have any cream, do you?”

  “Even if I did, I’m not helping you apply it!”

  “Dammit. That was my next question.”

  With a friendly pat on my shoulder, he grabs onto the rope and wraps his legs around it. His face contorts with pain and he takes a few deep breaths before continuing. He slowly inches his way up, stopping every few moments to deal with his issues. Halfway up, he stops once more and stares into the biology lab. He reaches into his pocket and throws something through the slightly open window.

  “A little something for science tomorrow. You’ll see!” The wink that follows says it all.

  Once he is up at the top, I motion for Joo-Eun to go next. She stares at the rope sheepishly and hangs her head as she approaches. Just as her hand is about to touch it, a massive, dark figure spirals out of the air and lands with a puff of dirt at my feet.

  “Tyrese, what are you doing? Why aren’t you up top? Is everything all right? Where are Ethan and Maya?”

  “Where I left them, of course.”

  I look up and see the two of them sitting with their legs dangling over the side. I look back at Tyrese and ask, “Then why are you here?”

  Tyrese smiles shyly at me and picks up Joo-Eun. He throws her onto his shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

  “Tyrese Jordan, what do you think you are doing?” Joo-Eun playfully chastises. Without answering Tyrese climbs the rope with Joo-Eun along for the ride. I can see the look of relief on her face once she reaches the top.

  I grab onto the rope and scale the wall as quickly as I can. Tyrese pulls at the same time, allowing me to complete the journey in a fraction of the time.

  “Well Matthews, you’ve gotten us this far. What’s next?”

  “Time to go into the ventilation shaft.”

  Ethan smiles mischievously.

  “You know, I’m not sure whether I am more excited by the notion of being blown the entire way or by the phallic metaphor in our journey through the dark, wet, moist…”

  Maya swats his shoulder. “OK PERV! We get the euphemism. It’s enough!”

  “You’re just jealous that we weren’t talking about your anatomy anymore!”

  Maya brandishes her fist menacingly. “Do you need another reminder as to what happens when you make comments like that?”

  Ethan immediately cups his groin and in a strangled voice says, “No Ma’am. I’ll be good.”

  I turn on my shoulder flashlight and look at the grate. I rummage through my pack and pull out a cordless screwdriver. The first three bolts screech and whine, making me wince with each piercing sound. Everyone else adopts a similar expression except for Maya, who is so engrossed typing something into her phone that she doesn’t seem to notice. I stick the screwbit in the last hole only to hear a ripping sound followed by a metallic clink.

  Ethan frowns. “Uh oh, that did not sound good, Matthews.”

  I inspect the bolt hole and grimace. I cross my fingers and yank on the corner. It doesn’t budge.

  “I’m sensing tension, buddy…”

  I swallow hard and try to think of a way out of the monumental problem that we now face. I turn around and say, “The head of the bolt was rusted and broke off entirely. There is some frayed metal inside the hole holding the threads tight. We could pry it off, but that is going to make one hell of a racket. You guys keep watch while I try to ream on it.”

  I reach into my pack and pull out a small pry bar. I wedge it in as best as I can and am about to push when Joo-Eun taps me on the shoulder.

  “Interestingly, the sound of metal on metal contact could mimic the tone created by breaking glass, thus setting off the alarms.”

  I look at her with my mouth open wide. “Joo-Eun, you’re the best! You just saved our asses!” She blushes furiously and walks a few steps away.

  I hear a subtle grinding sound and realize that it’s Tyrese grating his teeth together.

  I better get us inside and fast.

  I take the back of the screwdriver and am about to rap the grate a few times to see if I can loosen it when Ethan comes over to me and says, “Poor choice of words — you need to work on that. Anyway, I’ve got this one covered. You just sit back and figure out how to save your keister from the big guy!”

  From inside his jacket he pulls out a syringe filled with a pale liquid. He squirts a little in the hole, ignites it with his lighter, and the metal immediately begins to hiss and melt away. The fumes dissipate in the air but leave a pungent aroma that makes Maya turn green. Ethan sniggers while counting on his fingers.

  “Hey Matthews, you might want to grab the other end of this thing in about three…two…”

  I wedge my fingers between the holes of the grate and feel the weight drop a second later.

  “Gotta love liquid oxygen. Can you believe that in cryogenics, they make you breathe this stuff? You wanna stuff some of this up your nose? I’m developing a nasal spray that will make you totally krunked off of it,” he says with a wink.

  “Maybe later.”

  I place the grate on the ground and lead the way into the dark tunnel. I turn on my shoulder lamp the moment I’m inside and sigh with relief. There is a bend to the left about ten feet in front of us and I can’t help but smile.

  “Hey guys, look ahead. Once we get to that bend on the left, it’s only a few feet to the office grate.”

  Everyone smiles appreciatively except Joo-Eun. She is staring down the length of ductwork with a look of consternation on her face.

  “Hayden, the ventilation system isn’t going to support our combined weight.”

  “Yes it will! I checked the building blueprints. There is plenty of structural support beneath the metalwork to support an elephant.”

  Ethan laughs.

  “It’s a good thing too; I think Maya ate an extra pea at lunch today.”

  “That’s right, Bartender. Keep it up! In a second it’s going to be you who CAN’T pee!”

  “What the hell, Maya? Is today Kick Ethan in the Nuts Day?”

  “Oh… I like the sound of that. Can we, can we, can we? Tyrese, your thoughts?” Maya then goes over to Tyrese and gives him kisses on each cheek. Tyrese blushes, smiles and says, “I think the Hallmark cards would be great!”

  Joo-Eun stomps her foot down and clears her throat. “That is all well, but it doesn’t help us cross!”

  “I already told you, Joo-Eun. The plans show…”

  “Hayden, look again.”

&n
bsp; I stare down the side of the metalwork and gasp. Two of the supports have been cut and replaced with an I-beam running in the opposite direction. Thousands of blue cables wriggle across the new beam.

  Maya looks over and says, “That’s Cat-5. We must be over the computer lab.”

  I swear under my breath.

  “Unfortunately that tidbit of information doesn’t help us to cross the ventilation duct either. Now that I look, we can pry back a bit of the metal and drop onto that beam. It should lead to the shared wall between the office and computer lab.”

  Ethan moves in front of my light and smiles. “Matthews, I think I speak for Maya and Joo-Eun when I say that the three of us wouldn’t be able to tightrope walk the twenty feet it would take to make it to the other side. I’m pretty sure that one of us falling through the floor might make the under-trained oafs with batons come over pretty quick.”

  Maya blows a bubble, which she sucks back into her mouth silently. She looks up to the sky while playing with her hair for about two seconds before looking at me and saying, “I think Joo-Eun and I can handle this with a little help from Matilda.”

  Joo-Eun’s eyes go wide.

  “We can?”

  “JOO-EUN!”

  “I mean yes, of course we can. I’m just not sure what Maya means just yet.”

  I look at the two of them like they are talking in Chinese. I shake my head as I think about what Maya just said.

  “Forget that for a second, Joo-Eun. Who the hell is Matilda?”

  The three of them look over at Ethan, who has exited the duct and is slinking away into the farthest and darkest corner of the roof.

  “Stay away. You can’t have her!”

  Maya walks closer to Ethan, forcing him to the edge of the roof. He crouches down and starts to hiss and scratch with his fingernails like a cornered bobcat.

  “Stay away, She-Devil!”

  “Don’t be such a baby! We can make another one if anything happens. I just need a little bit of juice.”

  I look at the two of them and between gritted teeth say, “What are you talking about?”

  From inside his jacket, Ethan pulls out the weirdest-looking metal object. It is about the size of a nine-volt battery but with way more wires sticking out of it. All of them lead to another pocket somewhere in his pants. I try to follow where but I decide that, in Ethan’s case, it’s probably best not to stare. He fondles the object and pats it affectionately.

  “This is Matilda. A true collaboration of Maya and me. This battery charges itself based on the heat from my body. It will never run low and never leak. The chemical inside is explosive, toxic, and partially radioactive, so naturally it is my best friend!”

  Maya grabs it from his hand, looks over at Joo-Eun, and says, “Pass me the test tube of copper sulphate that you have in your lab coat.”

  Joo-Eun reaches in and pulls out a long tube filled with a royal blue liquid.

  “How did you know she had THAT?” I ask.

  Joo-Eun answers before Maya gets the chance. “It’s a fungicide, although not a very effective one. Some fungi are able to metabolize the copper. Interestingly, when mixed with lime, it is called a Bordeaux mixture and is used to control fungus on grapes, melons, and other berries.”

  “And you would have some of this because…?”

  She looks at me incredulously and says, “I always carry a variety of organic toxins. You never know when you might need one. The world is full of trillions of biological entities. Most of them are insects that belong to the family…”

  Maya begins to make gagging sounds and says, “Joo-Eun, you know the rules: NO BUG TALK! Anyway, just give me the tube.”

  With the tube and Matilda in hand, Maya walks over to the vent. She pulls open the top of the test tube and spatters all of the liquid down the metal surface. Once it is all covered, she grabs two of Matilda’s leads and touches them to the glistening metallic surface.

  There is a quick flash of light and a sizzle in the air. When I look down the vent, it looks exactly the same. “Well that was useless!”

  “Was it?” Maya jumps into the vent and begins to bounce down the tunnel. She makes sure to apply as much force as she can, but the ductwork doesn’t budge, not even a dent.

  “How did…?”

  Ethan’s eyes go wide.

  “That sly little slut! She nano-electroplated the steel to make it at least ten times stronger!”

  “Fifteen times and I heard that!” Maya’s voice echoes from inside. “And hurry up, it won’t last forever!”

  Ethan folds his arms across his chest.

  “What about my baby? How is Matilda?”

  Maya rolls her eyes and passes the battery back to Ethan.

  “Just stuff her down your pants and she’ll recharge back to the way she was. You might as well enjoy the sensation, I would imagine she is the only female who will be going down there for a LONG time!”

  Ethan just shrugs and says, “Meh, whatever.” He then climbs inside and crawls along, followed by me, Joo-Eun and Tyrese in the rear. We reach the bend, make the left, and smile as we stare down at the front desk in the office.

  “Now what, Matthews, there are a dozen screws holding this thing in place and they all undo from the other side!”

  With a grin, I reach into my pack and pull out my screwdriver once more. This time I spin the back of it around until it is facing the first screw. I then remove a cap on the back end and turn it on. The screws begin to spin counterclockwise from our side of the grate. Slowly but surely we watch it begin to loosen.

  “A high frequency reversible magnetic field. Hayden, you are full of surprises. Does it happen to come in pink?”

  “Sorry Maya, not yet, but if I ever sell the patent, I’ll be sure to have that included.”

  I make it to bolt number seven when my butt begins to sag four inches. I suddenly hear a sound like four other pop cans being crushed. I look over at Maya and say, “So how long do we have before your concoction fails compl…”

  The metalwork gives way with all of the sagging and the five of us tumble into the office in every direction. Tyrese immediately folds Joo-Eun into himself and curls into a ball. That is the last thing I see before my ribs slam onto the office’s front counter. I feel a couple of snaps and the wind is completely knocked out of me. There is a crash moments after as the vase with all of the flower pens shatters. A siren immediately sounds followed by flashing strobe lights. I get on my hands and knees and try to get air into my lungs while looking at the others. Ethan gingerly gets to his feet and bellows over the raging airhorns.

  “My bad. Someone knocked over the pen holder and my ass felt the need to shatter it. If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be the guy standing in the corner picking glass out of his crack.”

  I look over at the others and could almost laugh at the club-esque atmosphere if I wasn’t so terrified. I want to cover my ears, but I don’t think I have the strength in my torso to support my weight. My eyes narrow and I motion towards the office security door. I shrug as if to say, “It’s not like there is any point now.”

  Just as I am about to try and move, Maya looks over at me and strikes a pose with her arms on her hips and her head tilted to the right. Her pale blond hair spills to one side and there is a cutesy look on her face. She then winks and presses a button on her phone.

  And just like that, sirengeddon stops.

  “H…h…how did you do that?”

  Maya pops a bubble and says, “Oh yeah. While you guys were messing around, I tapped into the alarm feed at Securicon. Their firewall is like, so ridiculous. Anyway, right now they are getting yesterday’s feed from the same time period. We have all the time that we need.”

  “Maya I could kiss you. In fact, I think I will!”

  I try to stand up and almost pass out. Tyrese catches me just before m
y head hits the floor. Joo-Eun rushes over and pulls up my shirt. Tyrese doesn’t bat an eye this time. She touches my chest until she gets to my side. The moment her fingers prod a point midway up my chest, I have to bite down on my hand to stop from screaming. When I look down at it, I notice that I drew blood.

  “You have three cracked ribs Hayden. You need to rest. There is nothing more you can do here tonight.”

  I screw my face up tight and with a clenched jaw growl, “Tape it.”

  Joo-Eun shakes her head and sighs.

  “Hayden, I cannot recommend that at all. Your vitals are barely stable. Even a hard cough could break a rib and send it like a knife into your chest. It could perforate a lung or your pulmonary artery!”

  Ethan pats me on the back sympathetically. “Come on, Matthews. It ain’t worth it. Live to fight another day and all that shit right?”

  I purse my lips even tighter and look up into Joo-Eun’s face. “Tape it.”

  She grimaces and pulls out a couple of bandages. She then lifts up my shirt and begins the careful task of reinforcing my ribcage. Maya smiles and puts the index finger on her right hand in her mouth. “Hmmmm…very nice, Hayden. Sexy abs definitely adds to your stock.”

  “Thanks, Maya…I think.”

  Once Joo-Eun is done, I touch the spots on my ribs and although they still throb horribly, the pain is more tolerable.

  “Thanks, Doctor Kim,” I say with a weak smile.

  She blinks about a dozen times and then smiles from ear to ear. “Call me Guts.”

  I nod appreciatively but wince with every movement.

  Ethan offers me a small vial with a cork at the top.

  “Drink this, Matthews. It will take the edge off.”

  I push it back to him immediately. “And dull my senses. No thanks. We still have a mission to accomplish.”

  Ethan, Maya, and Joo-Eun roll their eyes, but Tyrese’s go wide for a moment. He then nods appreciatively before looking knowingly at Joo-Eun.

  “Can he take it? To numb the pain?”

  “I already told you that I don’t need any meds to…”

  Tyrese puts out his hand to shut me up and repeats his question to Joo-Eun. She very gingerly touches four spots: two in the middle of the chest just below my neck and two at the corners of my pecs.