The Withdrawal Method

by Pasha Malla

  And it wasn't just Lance Armstrong either - all around the web people materialized, holding on, keeping Neil up: The Ex-Wife held a piece, eyes fierce; dressed in his scrubs, there was Dr. Sloan, clutching on as though for dear life; Mr. Barry Parker was lending a hand, steadying his thread in two hands, looking resolute and focused. Grace and Sari were there too, fully clothed. Even Ted Givens stood nearby, doing his best despite himself.

  From somewhere in the real world came a sound of birds cawing, twittering, and the swoosh of flapping wings, and suddenly beneath the web in Timber's mind's eye sprung up a thick, dark forest of towering trees, and in the branches of these trees were magpies, stretching their wings, roosting.

  Lance Armstrong looked frightened! Lance Armstrong didn't know what to do; he looked as though he might drop his side of the web and send Neil plummeting into the woods and the waiting magpies. This was Timber's moment, and Timber had helmets, ice-cream tubs, with holes cut for eyes. He held out a tub to Neil, while the magpies began to emerge from the woods, rising like a handful of soot flung up from the treetops below.

  In the real world Timber thought he heard a siren, the faraway scream of it, maybe coming closer. But he willed the real world away, and Janet was with them now, Janet with a tub of pralines 'n' cream on her head beside him. Neil was moving across the web, reaching for his own tub decorated with stickers of all sorts, gleaming, and Janet's body was warm and soft, a breast against Timber's arm, and Lance Armstrong and everyone else were fading, fading, while the magpies circled up squawking all around them.

  Everyone was gone then. There they were: Timber, Janet, and Neil. They huddled together in their helmets. Through the eyeholes everything looked black. The magpies were wing to wing, moving in. No light shone through. Timber held Janet close and Janet held Neil close and with their bodies clinging to one another Timber felt deep within all that suffocating fear a little flicker of something. Maybe they would be all right. Timber wrapped his arms around Janet and Neil, drawing them in, their helmets knocking together.

  Looking out, it seemed as though the magpies ceased to close in. Everywhere was still black, but Timber felt more like he was standing in a room suddenly plunged into darkness, with the walls of the room at once disappearing and seemingly speeding outwards, and with it the room, yes, the room became as endless and infinite and terrifying and wonderful as the universe.

  RESPITE

  ON SATURDAY evenings the writer named Womack takes a break from his novel and looks after the boy. He goes to the boy's house in the suburbs, far from where Womack lives among the other writers and artists in the city. It is winter and he rides out to the suburbs on his bicycle, wheels up slickly in the slush on the street and chains his bicycle to the fence that pens in the yard, then comes into the house, shivering and wet.

  The boy is twelve, and dying of a degenerative illness. He can no longer see, hear, walk, or speak, although there are times when he laughs. This laugh is a cackle, a shriek. If Womack were to describe the laugh in his novel it would become a sudden bolt of blue lightning over an empty, black sea. Womack is a writer of prose, but fancies himself something of a poet also. Womack has studied writing in university and wants his novel to be something new, something fresh and free of cliche; these days he hears cliches even in speech and cringes.

  Saturdays are the same, almost without variation: Womack arrives and the boy's mother, Sylvia, is waiting in the den, standing over her son in his wheelchair. She offers thanks and passes the boy off to Womack and disappears into her bedroom, and Womack then hoists the boy out of his wheelchair and props him up against his body and carries him around the house, and the boy moans. The boy moans and moves his legs as if he were walking, but he is not; the boy's legs hang limply from his body, dragging on the floor. Like this Womack manoeuvres the boy, slowly, step, step, step, from room to room around the house.

  THE WRITER Womack used to live with a woman named Adriane whom he had that autumn begun to introduce to people as his partner, as though they were business associates or cops. The word arrived into his vocabulary at a party that was both Halloween party and stag-and-doe party for friends of Womack's, friends named Mike and Cheryl who would be married a week before Christmas. In the hallway, Womack's arm draped over Adriane's shoulder, a woman dressed as Fidel Castro introduced another woman, also dressed as Fidel Castro, as her partner, and Womack repeated the word in reference to Adriane. At this, like a child escaping the embrace of a foul-breathed and bearded aunt, Adriane slid out from underneath his arm, nodded at the Castros, and sipped her drink. Later, she confronted him in the kitchen.

  Partner? she asked. The kimono of her geisha outfit shimmered and swished.

  Sure, Womack told her. His costume was Hockey Player: helmet, gloves, stick. That's what people say now, he said.

  Straight people?

  Sure.

  For the rest of the evening, Adriane adopted a Texan accent when addressing Womack - Yee-haw! Fetch me another drink, pardner! Even so, the new label made Womack feel modern and serious. Gone was the term girlfriend, used for those who had filled that role since his early teens. Now he had a partner. This was heavy stuff.

  At midnight Womack and Adriane came home to the place that they had moved into together that July, their place that was not quite loft and not quite studio, their place where a wall divided two long, high-ceilinged rooms in defiance of architectural categorization. You entered the apartment to a kitchen and dining space; through an arched doorway was a living area with a couch and a stereo and the desk with the computer where Womack wrote his novel. At the back of the room, behind drawn curtains, sat their bed. This area they called the bedroom, even though it was not technically a room at all.

  Adriane, who worked the next day, went straight to bed. Womack ditched the helmet, gloves, and stick in a closet, sat down at his desk in his uncomfortable chair, turned on his computer, and began typing. The uncomfortable chair had wheels and the floor was warped, slightly. At one point, when Womack's typing relented and he let go of the keyboard, the desk released him gliding into the room until he stopped with a bump against the window on the far wall.

  Sitting there under the window, the computer glowing across the room, he could hear Adriane's breathing from behind the curtains. This is what their weekdays had become: dinner or the occasional outing, Adriane falling asleep hours before him, then up early the next morning and off to the counselling centre. Womack would sleep until noon, get up, drink too much coffee, and eventually make it to the computer, to his novel.

  In the summer, when they had moved in together, they had bought tropical houseplants and named them: Hangy, the bushy one dangling from the ceiling above the dining table; Jules Fern, whose leafy tendrils spread out over the couch; and, guarding the bedroom, sombre and violet: Jacques Laplante. Back then, Adriane would arrive home and it would be sex, first thing, almost before she was even in the door. Her clothes would come off and so would Womack's and they would romp for a while on the bed, if they made it that far, and afterwards have a nice meal wearing only housecoats and slippers. Then there might be more sex and snacks made in the toaster oven, gobbled dripping cheese over the sink, and finally, clinging to each other in bed: Goodnight Adriane, I love you, and, Goodnight Womack, me too, and Adriane would go in bleary-eyed to work the next morning.

  Now this, every night: Womack wide awake at his computer and Adriane asleep behind the curtains. This was the life of couples, he assumed, of partners - functional, pragmatic, a pattern established and repeated with someone who found it mutually tolerable. Womack thought of his parents, marching together through their marriage like soldiers in a military parade. Partners. Life.

  But Womack was writing a novel, and he was doing good work. He had written more than one hundred pages. The words were coming. Sentences spilled into paragraphs spilled into chapters, while on the periphery Adriane came in and out of the apartment like the mechanical bird in a windup clock.

  AT THE HOUSE whe
re Womack volunteers, there are two other children, the boy's sister and brother: Jessica and Andrew. They are younger, nine and six, and often play The Game of Life on the den floor while Womack carries their dying older brother around nearby. Womack and the boy step over the two children and their board game, which it seems only Jessica understands and wins convincingly every time, and Womack says, Excuse us, and watches as Jessica takes advantage of the distraction to steal three five-hundred-dollar bills and a husband from the box. Nice characterization, notes Womack.

  ONE COLD EVENING a week into November, Adriane came home from yoga class, which she had recently taken up and went to twice a week straight from work. Womack was at the stove, making dinner. Outside, the first snow of the season came sifting down like wet flour from the clouds. It lit briefly on the streets before melting into the grey puddle that soaked the city.

  Adriane hung her coat and came into the kitchen. Through the doorway to the other room drifted the sound of the stereo in the next room, playing music. Ah, there's a good Womack, she said, nodding. My little housewife. Her face was pink; icy droplets had collected in her hair and eyelashes.

  Womack laughed, stirring a creamy sauce. How were The Youth today?

  The Youth were troubled, said Adriane. She pulled the Dictaphone she used for interviews from her pocket, placed it on the kitchen table.

  Any good stories?

  Adriane snorted, shaking her head. This again, she said.

  Oh, come on, said Womack. Who am I going to tell?

  Adriane started rifling through the stack of mail on the dining table. Hangy drooped down from above, lush and green. What did you do all day?

  What do you think?

  She fingered Hangy's foliage. Did you water the plants?

  I watered them like a week ago. They're fine.

  And the RSVP to Mike and Cheryl about the wedding?

  Oh, come on, Ade. They know we're coming.

  She held up an envelope. How about the phone bill?

  Oh, shoot. Womack stopped stirring.

  Adriane looked up. You're kidding, right?

  I got busy.

  Busy doing what? You were home all day!

  Home, working. The spoon stood erect in the coagulating sauce. It's not like I'm just sitting around picking my ass.

  I guess if you ever called anyone, you'd probably care if the phone got disconnected.

  Was this a fight? wondered Womack. Were they fighting?

  Adriane looked at him, the look of an executive evaluating an employee at a time of cutbacks and layoffs. Womack wore the cut-off sweatpants and T-shirt he had gone to bed in the night before. Adriane reached out and pocketed the Dictaphone, then spoke before he could: When was the last time you went outside?

  Two nights ago. I picked up sushi, remember?

  During the day. For more than errands.

  Ade, this is what I do. I'm writing a book.

  A novel, she corrected him, smirking.

  You go to work with The Youth, I work at home. Okay?

  Adriane said nothing. Womack returned to his sauce, which had developed a rubbery skin he now began to churn back in. After a minute, Adriane stood, moved to the front door, and put on her coat.

  Where are you going? asked Womack.

  To the ATM, said Adriane. She held up the envelope. To pay the phone bill.

  WHAT THE BOY likes is doors. He and Womack stop in front of a closed door in the house, a bedroom or a closet, and the boy takes Womack's hand in his and places it on the doorknob, and Womack opens the door and the boy laughs. When Womack closes the door the boy moans and takes Womack's hand again and places it on the doorknob, and this continues until the boy becomes restless, and then they move to a new door in the house. Womack watches the boy delight in the doors and thinks to himself, I should be able to use this as a metaphor for something.

  A FEW DAYS later, Adriane came home from yoga and Womack was wearing a shirt and tie. Dinner was on the table: meatloaf and green beans and rice. She disappeared into the den, turned off the music that was playing, then re-emerged in the kitchen.

  What's the occasion? asked Adriane. You look like a dad.

  No occasion, said Womack. But thank you.

  They sat and ate.

  How was yoga? he asked.

  Good. You should come some time.

  Ha! Womack nearly choked on a green bean. Yoga! God, like one of those New Age creeps in a unitard and a ponytail, some white guy named Starfire or Ravi. No thanks.

  Adriane looked at him, opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to reconsider and instead filled it with meatloaf.

  I've been thinking, said Womack, chewing.

  Oh yeah?

  Yeah. I've been thinking about maybe volunteering somewhere. You know, getting out and doing something, getting involved. In the community. With people.

  Adriane took a sip of water, put the glass back down, waited.

  Maybe something with kids, Womack said.

  That's a great idea, said Adriane. Womack detected something in her voice, though: hesitancy, maybe. Doubt?

  After dinner, Adriane washed the dishes while Womack retreated to his computer. He took off his tie and typed and deleted and typed some more. Adriane did paperwork at the dining table, the murmur of voices playing from the Dictaphone as she made her transcriptions. Eventually she came into the den, rubbing her eyes, tape recorder in hand.

  I'm pooped, she told Womack. Stood there while he stared at the computer screen.

  He looked up. Sure, he said. I'm just going to finish this bit, okay?

  Adriane turned and disappeared between the curtains. Womack could hear the whisper of clothes coming off and pajamas going on. And then the bedroom light clicking off and the bedside lamp clicking on. He typed these two sentences into his computer.

  I'll come kiss you goodnight, Womack called, cutting and pasting the pajama line into another section of his novel. Let me know when you're in bed.

  Another click, extinguishing the glow of the bedside lamp. The rustle of sheets. A pillow being fluffed. Silence.

  Womack read the section over, then pushed away from the desk on his wheelie chair. Behind the curtains, Adriane lay in bed with her back to him, facing the wall. Womack slid under the covers and put a hand on her back. He felt a tremor in her body. She was masturbating.

  Mind if I join you? asked Womack.

  Suit yourself, said Adriane, her hand at work between her legs.

  Womack reached into his pants and began to coax himself into arousal. Beside him, Adriane's breath came in gasps. After a few minutes, just as Womack was growing hard, she went limp.

  Did you finish? he asked.

  I'm tired, she said.

  Oh.

  Outside the snow had become the hiss of light rain.

  Okay, said Womack. Sure. Well, goodnight. He leaned in and planted a kiss on the back of Adriane's head. She tensed, slightly.

  Everything all right? he asked.

  I'm tired, Womack.

  Womack lay there, propped up on one elbow, staring at Adriane's back. Eventually, he got up, ducked between the curtains, and sat back down at his computer. He typed volunteering into an Internet search and, with a licorice-scented marker and a stack of Post-It notes, began taking stock of his options.

  AFTER AN HOUR or so of Womack carrying the boy around the house, it is time for the boy's supper. This supper is pureed and usually cauliflower. Sylvia emerges from the bedroom looking half asleep, heats up the boy's supper in the microwave, and gives it to Womack to feed to her son. At this time she also gets out some leftovers from the week and heats them on the stove for herself and Jessica and Andrew. When everything is ready, everyone sits down at the table: mother and two children at one end, Womack and the boy at the other.

  A WEEK AFTER submitting his online application, Womack was registered with The Fountain Group, an organization that paired its volunteers with families in need of respite care. The family assigned to Womack was named
Dunn; their address was included, and a telephone number if Womack wished to call and introduce himself before he visited their home. He did not.

  His first Saturday, Womack woke up early. Adriane was sleeping in; it was her day off. Although Womack was not scheduled to be out at the family's home until four that afternoon, he paced around the apartment, wondering what to wear, eating breakfast, then brunch, then a giant toasted sandwich at a few minutes past noon. He felt nauseous and bloated. It was the first day he had not turned his computer on in months.

  From Womack's apartment to the Dunns' house took just under a half-hour by bicycle. He rode along the major avenues and boulevards of the city that narrowed into the thin, treelined streets of the suburbs. The trees were leafless. The streets were black with melted snow. Womack pulled up to a squat bungalow with a cracked driveway and a lawn littered with children's toys: Tonka trucks and hula hoops and a few upended sand pails. This was the place.

  Inside, Womack met first Sylvia, then Jessica and Andrew, who both stared for a moment at Womack's outstretched hand before bounding off giggling down the hallway - and then, finally, sitting in the kitchen in his wheelchair and moaning, the boy. Womack approached him as one might a lion escaped from its cage: at a crouch, whispering. Sylvia stood behind the chair and secured the boy's head in an upright position. Saliva dribbled from the corner of his mouth, strung to his shoulder in gooey threads. The boy's eyes were milky and gazed blankly in the direction of, but not at, Womack.

  Hello, whispered Womack.

  The boy moaned.

  He likes to have his face touched, said the boy's mother. She cupped his ears, demonstrating. The boy laughed, a sudden burst like the crack of a cannon. Womack jumped. He composed himself, squatted beside the boy in his wheelchair, and, looking up at the mother, replaced her hands with his own. The boy shook his head free and moaned. Womack stood.