by Shona Husk
Gemma had stayed over plenty of times before but it felt as though she was asking if Gemma could move in, and while she knew it was the right thing to do, she wasn’t sure if she and Gemma could do that. She knew she wasn’t ready to answer any more of her mother’s questions about why they’d fought in the first place. That had been bad enough the first time around. So she’d said nothing. For the moment.
Gemma could always stay over for a few nights without anyone blinking, then they could cross that bridge. Kirsten knew that was the coward’s route but she preferred to think of it as moving quietly to create very few ripples. Plus she didn’t want Gemma to feel that she’d discussed it with everyone except Gemma. When it came to family, Gemma could be very prickly.
While Kirsten waited in the empty salon she flipped through the latest magazines, the styling books and colours that were hot for summer, trying to think what would look good on Gemma. Medium brown hair, when it was natural, and fair skin that tanned golden in summer. She’d look great wearing anything, including the jeans and tight singlet she got about in most days…and on stage too. The one time Kirsten had tried to convince Gemma to grow her nails or get false ones she’d laughed, and refused. Her hair was the one thing that had changed over the years.
There was a knock on the glass door and Kirsten looked up. Gemma was there in black jeans and a pink singlet. Fitter and leaner than she’d been before the tour. Kirsten’s heart gave a little flutter. It had done that before, in those few seconds when she’d first seen Gemma at the party, but she’d written it off as excitement to see her friend. But now she wondered. Was it something more? Had Gemma’s kiss woken something in her?
Her breath caught and she couldn’t move.
What was going on with her? She liked guys…didn’t she? She’d certainly dated plenty. So had had Gemma. She frowned. But not recently. She tried to remember the last guy Gemma had been with but it had been years since she’d had a boyfriend.
She put the magazines aside and let Gemma in. Neither of them seemed really relaxed, despite the promises that they had moved on. She knew why she was tense. She had a few questions for Gemma. Things that she once wouldn’t have hesitated to talk about with her. They’d discussed everything from boyfriends to first kisses and first times. Nothing was sacred; now it felt as though a wall had been put around some things…well, all things relating to that kiss and them.
Who’d have thought one kiss could cause so much trouble.
‘Hey. Thanks for waiting.’
‘It’s fine. This way we have the place to ourselves.’ Kirsten locked the door and pulled the blind so no one walking past would gawk in.
‘So…what are you going to do to my hair this time?’
‘How do you feel about black and slashes of colour? Then I’ll trim up the rest. Did you want to keep the fringe or are you growing it out?’ She never usually asked, she just did. Now it felt like she had to ask and explain what she was going to do.
‘I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.’ Gemma shrugged one shoulder. ‘You decide. You’ve never let me down before.’
That wasn’t entirely true, but if they were only talking about hair, Kirsten had a great track record — except for the time she’d tried to do Gemma’s hair blonde. Some people weren’t meant to be blonde, and Gemma was one of them. It had been an epic disaster that Kirsten’s mother had needed to fix.
Kirsten smiled. ‘Trust me, you can pull it off.’
Gemma had the face and attitude. Although today she seemed subdued. Tired. She sat in a chair while Kirsten mixed up the dyes. It was strangely silent between them. Had they run out of things to talk about or was neither of them was sure what to say anymore? Now she had Gemma alone there were things that she wanted to ask.
She glanced at Gemma in the mirror, but Gemma had her eyes closed. Was she enjoying the quiet?
Waiting for the colours to take had always been a time to talk. With the foils done and sticking out all over Gemma’s head, Kirsten decided to break the silence.
As she started putting the colour in around the foils she screwed up her courage, something she’d never had to do before with Gemma and she hated it. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Sure.’ Gemma opened her eyes and met Kirsten’s gaze in the mirror. ‘You look kind of serious.’
‘It’s kind of personal.’
Gemma sighed. ‘I haven’t slept with Ed...or any of them.’
Kirsten smiled. No, Gemma had never been interested in Ed like that, which was probably why he’d been happy to let her join the band. That and Gemma could play and write and sing. ‘More personal than that.’
‘Okay, but I may not answer.’ The wall was back up.
Yeah, she probably deserved that response, but she couldn’t back away now. ‘Was I the first girl you kissed?’
There was a long pause, but Gemma didn’t look away and Kirsten’s hands kept working as though nothing was wrong.
Finally Gemma spoke. ‘No. Not the last one either.’
‘Oh.’ What kind of answer had she been expecting? That she was the only one and that it had been a one-time thing? Did that change what had happened? She didn’t know. Gemma spun the chair around. Silver foils shining in the light. Her eyes were dark and troubled.
‘Go on, ask what you really want to know.’ Gemma was almost pleading, as though she really needed to tell someone what Kirsten had already figured out in her heart. She knew why Gemma’s boyfriends had never lasted and why she hadn’t had one in a several years.
Gemma preferred women.
‘How long have you known?’
She looked down and picked at a cuticle. ‘Since I was sixteen.’
All those years she’d been keeping it to herself. ‘Does anyone else know?’
Gemma shook her head. ‘I didn’t want to tell you in case you thought I was friends with you because I wanted to sleep with you.’
Did Gemma want to sleep with her? The idea wasn’t as shocking as it had been when they’d kissed. ‘Is that why you kissed me?’
‘I think you’re cute, I like you. You’re my best friend and know more about me than anyone else. I shouldn’t have crossed that line.’ They were back to apologising. Would they ever be back on safe ground again, where the careful steps weren’t needed?
Kirsten couldn’t help it as a rush of heat crept up her cheeks. In the same breath as apologising for kissing her, Gemma had admitted to finding her attractive.
‘You see, this is why I never told you. It’s all weird now. I shouldn’t have kissed you.’ Gemma spun the chair around and kept her gaze on her hands. ‘I shouldn’t have told you. You can’t tell Ed.’
Kirsten finished putting on the black dye and set the timer. Silence filled the salon. Of course she wasn’t going to tell Ed, it was none of his business. It kind of hurt, though, that Gemma had never once said anything to her. Had she not trusted her? Or had she been hoping that Kirsten would work it out sooner? Either way, Kirsten had failed at being a best friend. She should’ve been there for Gemma and she hadn’t been.
She thought back through all the conversations they’d had about boys and sex. But there had been no clues. In five years Kirsten had never realised. But it had taken a kiss from Gemma for her to ever think that she could be with a woman. How did Gemma come to realise?
‘You dated guys at school.’
‘I dated guys because that’s what’s expected. I was trying to fit in.’
‘You had sex with them.’ Unless Gemma had made that up, but Kirsten didn’t think so.
‘Yeah, but they didn’t make me feel…’ She shrugged. ‘I just worked out they weren’t my thing. The same way I don’t like strawberry ice-cream or malt milkshakes.’
Hmm. Kirsten had liked her boyfriends, most of them were okay. She liked looking at hot guys. But she had wondered what it would be like to touch Gemma and have Gemma touch her.
Gemma looked up. ‘You’re thinking about this too hard.’
‘You know you could’ve told me. I would’ve kept it a secret.’ She’d kept other secrets for Gemma before.
‘I haven’t told anyone.’
Not even the band. Was that part of the problem? She was spending so much time with the guys and lying to them at every turn? ‘Oh Gem, what are you going to do?’
If Gemma’s family couldn’t support her now, this would make it worse.
‘I’m planning to tell the guys, but at the same time I don’t want everyone to know. It’s too much. You know?’ She pressed her lips together. ‘I can’t tell my family. They’ll definitely kick me out.’
‘Would that be such a bad thing?’ Kirsten knew she’d pushed a little too hard from the change in Gemma’s expression.
Her eyes narrowed a fraction and her eyebrows lowered. ‘My father might be right about having a backup plan. If this all ends, what do I do? I have nothing.’
Kirsten bit her lip. She’d never really thought about it. She’d assumed that once they got a deal, it would be a one-way trip to the top.
‘It’s hard, K. Really hard. There are a hundred other bands chewing at our heels. People on the internet posting demo videos looking for a break and some dick downloading our songs for free because they think that all rock stars are rolling in it.’ It was more than tiredness and frustration with the songs they were writing for Gemma. She was actually afraid.
‘You can’t quit now, you have fans waiting to hand over their money.’
‘And if I come out that could change. I don’t know what to do anymore.’
Gemma looked at Kirsten. She had her life together, and a job that could take her anywhere. She had zip. At the moment Selling the Sun was another new band with potential, it all depended what happened next and she felt the weight of that every damn day.
‘Can you not finish your degree part-time? Or get credits?’
That was the sensible thing, and she’d tried to do that at first. But somehow she’d fallen off that train and going back to the uni, cap in hand to try again…ugh, that was what she had to do. At least then if the band fell apart she’d have something. Would that make her feel better?
‘Possibly.’ And if the dean said no, then she’d have to come up with a new plan, but at least she’d be doing something. ‘Will Ed think I’m getting cold feet?’
‘If he says anything I’ll remind him that he was able to finish uni before hitting the road and you didn’t get that chance.’
True. And if she wasn’t constantly fretting she might be able to write something decent. If she wasn’t pretending to be something she wasn’t, she might also have better luck. She should stop pretending to be straight and see if they noticed. There was a good chance they wouldn’t. But it wasn’t just the guys she was worried about, it was everyone else and she wasn’t brave enough to cross that bridge yet.
The buzzer went off and Kirsten dutifully checked the foils. ‘It’s time to wash them out.’
What colour had she done them? Part of letting Kirsten do her hair was the surprise.
Gemma moved seats so Kirsten could wash her hair. As she lay there, Kirsten leaned over. Her breasts were very close to Gemma’s face. She had to ignore the spark of lust that caused. Warm water hit her scalp and then Kirsten’s fingers were tunnelling into her hair. She’d forgotten what Kirsten’s head massages were like. Gemma closed her eyes and relaxed into the chair. She felt the tugs as the foils were removed.
Smelled the shampoo seconds before Kirsten was working it through her hair, her fingers pressing against Gemma’s scalp.
‘Relaxed?’
‘Mmm.’ It was these few minutes when the world seemed to exist for her, not the other way around. She didn’t owe anyone anything. She didn’t have to pretend to be anyone and she didn’t have to do anything except sit there and enjoy.
Sitting in the chair was infinitely better than leaning over a bathtub.
More water as Kirsten rinsed her hair. Maybe she shouldn’t have skipped going to the hairdresser, but no one else had done her hair. Ever. It had been Kirsten when they were ten who had snipped off her long and annoying braid and turned it into a shoulder length bob — that her mother had then fixed up. Gemma’s father had done his nut and called up Mrs Vincent.
To this day Gemma had no idea what she’d said to her father, but after that getting her hair cut had never been an issue.
Kirsten’s touch softened as she put in the conditioner. Her hands seemed to glide and caress in place of the businesslike scrub she’d started with. Gemma cracked open her eyes, to see Kirsten watching her with a smile on her lips.
The relaxation vanished, her body tensed as desire spiralled through her and then exploded softly in her belly. She had to ignore it or she’d screw things up with Kirsten again.
Having her as a friend means more than having her as a temporary lover. Gemma repeated the mantra.
Kirsten kept playing with her hair and while she wanted to enjoy the massage and the closeness, she was starting to feel a little odd. Was she imagining the vibe? She didn’t want to say anything in case she was wrong.
Finally the water stopped and Kirsten was wrapping up her hair.
They went back to the original seat. Kirsten dried off Gemma’s hair then started clipping bits up so they’d be out of the way. The good news was her hair wasn’t a vile shade of green so Kirsten wasn’t doing a little payback, but there was definitely something going on between them.
Gemma watched Kirsten in the mirror. ‘You look like you’re thinking.’
‘I was.’ Kirsten frowned as she snipped. ‘I wasn’t sure how to say it, but after everything had settled down I often thought about the kiss. I liked it.’
Gemma lifted one eyebrow. ‘I could’ve sworn differently.’
And she didn’t want to start another argument about it. She’d much prefer it was all swept under a rug and forgotten about. And yet she couldn’t ignore what Kirsten had said, as it gave her a tiny little piece of hope that perhaps Kirsten did feel something for her.
Their gazes met in the mirror. Kirsten softened her voice. ‘I know I reacted badly, but I was surprised and…I don’t know. You’re my best friend, I shouldn’t be thinking about kissing you.’
‘And how do you think I felt afterward, knowing I’d crossed that line and had possibly ruined everything?’ At the time she’d been so tipsy, possibly drunk, on alcohol and joy at signing the contract.
Kirsten bit her lip. ‘Have you thought about it since…?’
That was a loaded question she didn’t want to answer. And she didn’t want to start thinking about it either, even if the idea of kissing Kirsten again made her tingle in all the right places.
Gemma shook her head. ‘You like guys, and they like you. I’ll get a girlfriend eventually…once the guys know…’
‘So you don’t want to try again?’ Now Kirsten looked confused.
Gemma closed her eyes. She didn’t want to accuse of Kirsten of treating her like an experiment, because that is what she’d done when she’d kissed Kirsten. It had been so tempting…surely it had to be better than trying to meet someone and seeing if they clicked. She clicked with Kirsten. She knew that. And here she was offering another chance, another kiss. Kirsten was curious, and had admitted to thinking about it.
And if she changed her mind and then decided it was too hard to be friends?
It was too late. They were already on that bridge, and they either made it to the other side together or it collapsed beneath them.
She exhaled and opened her eyes. Kirsten was looking at her in the mirror. ‘Of course I’ve thought about kissing you again. I thought you didn’t want it.’
‘It might be different if we are sober and I’m expecting it.’
And if it was still bad? Then they’d both now that ship wasn’t going to sail. And if it was good? The idea made her shiver. Gemma nodded. But this time she was going to let Kirsten make the first move.
Kirsten hesitated as if expecting Gemma to
do something, then she put down the scissors and turned the chair around so Gemma faced her. Slowly she leaned down and brushed a light kiss over Gemma’s lips.
So light it was barely a touch, it wasn’t really a kiss. If Kirsten wanted to try again, it was going to be with a proper kiss. Something that would spark a reaction. Or maybe it was only Gemma who needed more.
‘That wasn’t a kiss.’ Gemma stood up. She was almost as tall as Kirsten. But where she was lithe, Kirsten was curvy. She ran her fingertips up Kirsten’s arm, along her shoulder, giving her plenty of time to change her mind and step away.
Kirsten’s tongue flicked over her lip. Gemma cupped Kirsten’s jaw, her thumb sweeping over her cheek, the ends of Kirsten’s hair tickling her skin. She leaned in closer until she could feel Kirsten’s breath on her lips. Her stomach spun and gooseflesh prickled up her arms as desire raced through her blood in a rush that was almost as heady as getting up on stage in front of hundreds of people. On stage the crowd wanted her, but here all she wanted was Kirsten.
Softly, she placed her lips to Kirsten’s. Her tongue traced the contours, and she moved closer until she could feel Kirsten’s breast pressing against hers. Her hand slid over Kirsten’s hip — she almost expected her to step away, curiosity sated. But no, Kirsten’s lips parted and her tongue met Gemma’s for just a second.
The tingle ran all the way to Gemma’s toes as Kirsten kissed her back. She was going to wake up and find she was dreaming. It was going to go wrong. Friends shouldn’t become lovers. Kirsten was Ed’s sister. All the reasons this wasn’t a good idea faded away.
Falling for Kirsten was easy.
Kissing her was even easier. Better than last time. More perfect than with anyone else. She ended the kiss with a last taste and eased back.
Kirsten looked kind of dazed, her eyes were dark and her lips were parted. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed like that.’ Her hands were by her side, as if she didn’t know what to do with them.
Yes, but had she enjoyed it? Did she want to do it again?
Lust was charging around Gemma’s body completely unchecked. She’d liked Kirsten more than she should for a few years now. To be this close was bitter sweet. She knew she was Kirsten’s first female kiss, and while plenty of people tested to see if the grass was greener on the other side, most went back to the more acceptable pastures. She’d spent a few years trying to convince herself that it would be easier, that she’d find the right guy…but all she’d found were women who she fancied.
