That day, Deanna was called to the village to deliver not one, but two babies. It was a successful delivery for both mothers and she was in a good mood as she returned to the clinic.
* * * * *
Shawn had been assigned to the men’s tent. He fit in well with all the doctors as well as the nurses. He got along well with the volunteers and seemed to actually try to learn the local dialect, which endeared him to the villagers. He could frequently be found down in the village taking lessons.
Deanna found him there one evening when she was called to attend to a cat. As a doctor, the villagers felt she could be a good veterinarian as well as a witch doctor.
“I’m sorry. I tried to attend to it myself, but there was nothing that they would let me do, or rather that Hamishish would let me do,” Shawn told her apologetically.
“Don’t worry about it, I enjoy these different calls,” she laughed it off. She wasn’t laughing too much when she realized it was a very pregnant caracal that someone had brought to the village. “Is this a pet?” she asked Hamishish, alarmed.
“No, but pelt worth lots. Children want kits,” she said bluntly and watched expectantly.
“Someone watch those teeth, wouldja?” Deanna asked nervously.
Shawn grinned and sat down on the head, keeping the wild cat down. She was pretty far gone though and unable to fight, which was a good thing Deanna thought when she got a good look at the claws on it.
Deanna examined her patient quickly and efficiently. There were at least two kittens in there and they were still active. She looked at the mother cat knowing that there wasn’t anything she could do for her—she had been shot and was fading fast. Without hesitating, Deanna performed a cesarean section on the cat, popping out two healthy and active kits.
The chief reached for them and handed them to one of his wives, who began to wipe at them with a towel. The gaspy mews of the newborn kits were barely heard. A bottle was procured, the type that the clinic had been trying to give out to pregnant mothers with AIDS, and they attempted to give formula, meant for human babies, to the newborn kits.
Deanna watched and then shrugged. It wasn’t her concern. The kits sure were cute, but she watched as the mother died before her. There was a grunt behind her and an interpreter explained, “You cut as well as our best hunter.” Deanna smiled, knowing they meant it as a compliment that she hadn’t ruined the valuable pelt. Her job here was done and she took her leave, Shawn walking alongside her.
“Now you can’t say you would find that variety in the emergency rooms of America,” he laughed pointing backwards with his thumb at the hut they had just left.
“No,” Deanna laughed with him. “Definitely a variety out here.”
“You think those kits will survive?” he asked wonderingly.
She shrugged. “They can only try. I’m surprised that the tribe will try though, they barely have enough to eat themselves. Maybe they will turn the kits into hunters.”
“That would be so cool,” Shawn enthused.
Deanna loved his enthusiasm, it was so positive and non-destructive. She definitely felt he was an asset to the clinic. She saw Kimberly eyeing them as they returned, walking together. She supposed she would be the subject of her gossipy tongue tomorrow for being seen with the male nurse.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Deanna found herself called upon for the kittens more than once. They weren’t strong without a healthy dose of mother’s milk and were foundering. One day Maddie went along with her and suggested that another cat or something be found to nurse the little cats. Amazingly, one of the villagers had a lactating dog so they tried her. The bitch, an amiable thing, immediately sensed how helpless the kittens were and her mothering instincts took over. She began to nuzzle them and lick them, pulling them close to find her teats with her half-grown pups nearby. The pups sniffed the new additions and she growled to warn them. All the human adults looking on got a good smile from that. It was a satisfactory beginning to the tale.
“Wasn’t that beautiful?” Maddie enthused, totally enamored of the kittens that looked so cute.
“Those babies are going to grow up very large!” Deanna warned, reminding her of the wild ones they had seen in the past.
“But they are so cute now,” she said in a girlish voice. “I love babies!”
“Yeah, but babies grow up,” the blonde laughed at her girlfriend, wishing she could easily put her arm around her as they walked back towards the clinic.
“Don’t you like babies?” she asked playfully. She had seen Deanna deliver several and saw how kind and sweet she was to the children. She’d get down on their level and despite the language barrier, either through an interpreter or through pantomime, she’d make the children laugh in delight. Her balloons were always a big hit. Nothing was sweeter than the sound of children’s laughter.
“Of course I do, I just don’t want any of my own!” she said emphatically, still laughing at her girlfriend’s enthusiasm over the kittens.
Maddie stopped and looked at the young doctor. “Are you serious?” she asked calmly, the laughter fading from her voice.
Deanna nodded. “With all this,” her hand encompassed the clinic, the village, and all of Africa. “Why would I want to bring another life into it?”
“To have one of your own, to pass on your genes, to pass on what you know?”
“I can do that by teaching,” she answered reasonably, not understanding why Maddie was so still. This was an odd conversation to be having.
“You really don’t want children of your own? You are one of the most brilliant women I have ever met, you could pass on those genes to children. They would be so lucky to have you as their mother.”
“I know I’m an anomaly. Look at my sister, she didn’t get this brilliant,” she made quote marks in the air, “gene at all, and yet she’s smart in her own way. There is no guarantee if I had a child that it would inherit my genes.”
“So you don’t ever want children of your own?”
Deanna shook her head realizing that Maddie was making some sort of point. She followed, wondering what was going on as Maddie turned to walk the rest of the way back to their tent. “Do you want children?” it suddenly occurred to her to ask.
“Of course. Don’t all Irish families want big families? Lots of kids?” she asked sarcastically, clearly hurt.
“Hey,” Deanna stopped her from going into the tent, her hand on the redhead’s shoulder. “Did I say something to piss you off?”
Maddie shrugged off the hand as she entered the tent, coming face to face with Kimberly.
“You two go on a walk?” she asked, her voice held a hint of innuendo. She saw the anger on Maddie’s face and her own lit up in wonderment and curiosity. “Are you okay?” she asked right away.
Deanna wanted to tell the woman to mind her own business, but knew that antagonizing a gossip was not necessarily a good thing. She let Maddie go and went to her own bed to change her clothes and get ready for bed.
Kimberly wasn’t done and tried to engage Maddie in conversation. “So this Lenny, she was a...” her voice lowered in a conspiratorial whisper, “homosexual?”
Maddie almost answered, but glanced towards Deanna, who was sitting on her cot. Her back had stiffened up at the word, clearly able to hear Kimberly despite the whisper. She knew Kimberly was trying to verify something she had heard the other day, to get concrete and reliable words from someone in-the-know. She shrugged. “She was a nice woman and a good teacher,” was all she would give the woman.
“But she left with the chief’s daughter?” she continued on eagerly.
Maddie glanced at the woman. She was clearly enjoying the gist of the conversation. She wondered how she would fare if this woman found out about her and Deanna. “That’s what they say,” she shrugged. “I wouldn’t believe everything I heard though. She did her job well.”
“Well, I heard...” she began again and kept going until Deanna turned and said, “I’ll have you kn
ow that more than half of that bullshit you just spouted is untrue. Lenny was everyone’s friend here, and anyone who says something bad about her will have to answer to me. I considered her a good woman and despite what they may ‘say’ about her, I think it’s terrible to keep talking about it.”
Surprised at the doctor’s defense of this unknown woman, Kimberly looked at her contemplatively. “Were you one of her special friends?”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, you’re disgusting. Just because someone is friends with someone else of the same sex doesn’t mean there is something going on. What about you? Is that why Lenny’s story intrigues you so much? You are looking for special friends?”
“Well, why, I never....”
“Maybe you should,” Deanna muttered, too low for the nasty woman to hear. Louder, so that Kimberly could hear her, she said, “You didn’t know her so why don’t you just let the stories die down. She didn’t deserve this and you won’t get anywhere repeating what you have heard.”
“Well, I just wanted to know....”
“Then you should ask her, and as she isn’t likely to make another appearance here, you’ll have to let it go.”
Sensing she wasn’t going to win this argument with the young doctor, she went to attack, but Magda walked in at that moment. Kimberly liked and respected Magda and didn’t want her to think badly of her so she shut her mouth with an almost audible snap.
“Everyone ready for bed?” the Swiss woman asked politely.
“Yes, we just came from the village,” Deanna told her, to change the subject. She glanced at Kimberly who deliberately turned her back to change for bed. Her glance took in Maddie, who rolled her eyes, her own back firmly to the other nurse.
“Oh that’s nice. I hear you delivered kittens,” the woman teased with a delighted smile.
“Yes, I did and Maddie had the wonderful idea of putting her on another cat. We found a dog willing to take them.”
“Did you say a dog?” she asked, wondering if the difference from English to French was causing her to misunderstand.
Deanna chuckled and nodded, finishing up her clothes change. “Yes, it’s the darnedest thing, but the bitch is feeding them. Apparently the formula we tried to feed them wasn’t suiting their delicate palettes.”
“Oh, I must see them! May I go with you next time?” she asked, delighted.
Deanna promised and soon found a regular rotation of people coming with her to see the kittens being fed by the bitch. The bitch didn’t like all the additional visitors, but since Deanna was a regular she accepted her.
Deanna found herself watching the kittens’ growth, enjoying their exuberance as they grew rapidly.
“I thought you were a human doctor?” Burton sneered at her a few days later in the chow tent.
“Oh, come on, Richard. We’re all one procedure away from being horse doctors,” Wilson teased him. His eyes laughed at Deanna, who grinned in return. She knew anything she did would annoy Burton these days since he hadn’t managed to have her replaced or dismissed despite his letter writing campaign. “It’s a matter of goodwill. You make the villagers happy and they spread the word that we are good doctors. Hell, Deanna is regarded as a witch doctor…now that is an achievement,” he shared, with a genuine laugh of admiration.
“Yes, well, I won’t be wearing the costume,” Deanna said wryly and they all shared a laugh, all except Burton who was certain the young doctor was making fun of him somehow.
Deanna really enjoyed the time with the villagers over the kittens. It also allowed her to find places and time with Maddie. She’d been a little distant lately and all she could attribute it to was a letter she had gotten and not shared.
* * * * *
“What is it?” she asked, exasperated. She’d had a hard day in the clinic and had desperately been looking forward to some time alone with Maddie.
“It’s nothing,” she shrugged.
“You won’t tell me? Then there is nothing for us to talk about,” she got up to go back to the camp. She was too tired to try to pry it out of her.
“Wait, don’t go,” the redhead pleaded prettily.
“Look, I’m tired. You’ve been annoyed with me for days and won’t tell me what it’s about…” she began.
“I got my letter. I either have to re-up or go home,” she explained.
“Is that what this is about? Why you’ve been so upset lately?”
Maddie’s face gave her away. There was more, but she wasn’t going to share it, obviously. “I don’t know if I want to re-up, but I know I don’t want to stay here forever.” She’d known the letter would come eventually, but seeing it had surprised her. After all, Leida had left a while back and they’d arrived at the same time.
“Then come with me. They’ve been after me to move on for months,” Deanna told her earnestly. “We can go as a team. I’ll write a couple of letters and get you put on...” she trailed off as she saw Maddie’s face. “What is it?”
“I don’t know that I want people to know that we are a team,” she put a bit of emphasis on that final word, giving it more than one meaning.
“Are you afraid people will find out about us?” she asked, worriedly, wondering if Maddie was having second thoughts.
“I don’t want anyone to know…people like Kimberly especially,” she sneered at their local gossip. “She’s so nasty....”
“Yes, she is; however, I want you to go with me. Are you thinking of going back to the States?”
“I did promise only one rotation to my folks,” she explained and, looking at Deanna, she thought she would promise her anything.
“What about me?” she asked softly, feeling like they were on the edge of a very important step in their relationship. Maybe she had expected too much from Maddie. Maybe she didn’t really want this.
“I love you,” she assured her earnestly. Even though Deanna had never told her the same words, she thought she felt the same. “I just have a lot to think about,” she told her honestly.
“Well, you know where I stand. I want you with me,” she told her, but she wanted to plead with her not to leave, not to leave her. Her heart was squeezing painfully in her chest. Her hand came up unconsciously to rub her eyebrow.
“Stop that,” Maddie said as Deanna’s fingers grasped at the short hairs worriedly and Maddie leaned in and kissed Deanna, her soft lips feeling so familiar and still she couldn’t get enough of them. She loved kissing this woman. She was so special, so incredible. She never made Maddie feel like a second class citizen, unlike many in the medical profession who felt nurses were just servants with medical knowledge. Deanna treated her as an equal and still managed to maintain her doctor status, more knowledgeable, personable, and yet, brilliant. As a lover, Maddie had never had someone as caring, someone who actually thought of her first.
* * * * *
“I can’t do this,” she told her a week later as they met by their rock.
“What do you mean?” Deanna looked intently into Maddie’s eyes.
“I…just…can’t…do…this,” she gestured with her hands helplessly. Indicating them, everything around them. “I can’t…do….us,” she finished lamely. They had finally managed a couple of hours away alone and had hidden from the village and camp to spend them together, but Maddie had resisted Deanna’s attempts to make love to her.
“Don’t say that. Don’t give up,” Deanna felt herself pleading as she realized the enormity of what Maddie was saying.
Shaking her head, Maddie backed away slightly. “I want…I wanted…” but she shook her head harder as she began to cry.
“We can do this, we can try,” Deanna tried to reason. The tears were hitting her soul like a hammer on an anvil.
“Don’t you see…don’t you see?” she shook her head again, the tears rolling down her cheeks. “We will never be accepted. We can’t have this.” Her hands gestured helplessly again.
“We can make it what we want. We can do this,” Deanna stated firmly, willing
it to happen. “Don’t do this! Don’t doubt us. We can do this.” She tried to take Maddie’s hands in hers, to compel her to change her mind.
Shaking her head, Maddie backed up and put her hands childishly behind her back. “No, it was a fling. That’s all,” she said dismissively, minimalizing it.
“We both know it was more than that,” she said sadly as Maddie’s words began to tear her heart from her chest.
“You can’t give me what I need…what I want!” she continued as though Deanna hadn’t stated the truth.
“What do you need? What do you want?” Deanna asked quietly. She felt the need to cry too.
“I want children and you can never give me that,” she grasped at the one thing she knew would hurt Deanna the most. She watched as the pretty doctor’s face crumbled before her.
“I’m too young to make a decision about having children,” Deanna pointed out.
“You tell me you don’t want children of your own…” she recalled a previous conversation.
Deanna nodded in agreement. “I don’t want children of my own. It makes no sense with all these children,” she indicated the ones in the village, “that I would procreate and bring more into an already over-populated world.”
“But don’t you see, I want to have children. I want to procreate. I want the joy of giving birth, even the heartache that family and children cause. I want that. You can’t give me that. You don’t want to give me that.”
Deanna shook her head. “No, I can’t give you children. We could adopt,” she pointed out. She gestured towards the village again and Maddie knew she meant the countless orphans they saw all the time.
Maddie shook her head. “No, I want my own. I want…” she didn’t go on as she watched Deanna realize the futility of arguing with her.
Deanna looked at her sadly. How could she argue with her? She couldn’t give her what she wanted. She couldn’t give her something so simple. She had to try though. “We could find someone who would want to give you a child, for us, for…” she tapered off what she was going to say as she saw the horrified look that came over the other woman’s face at her suggestion, at what it would mean. She shook her head sadly. “You don’t want that do you? You don’t want a family with me?”
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