Mum doesn’t say anything. She’s probably thinking of a hundred ways to crack it with me.
When she does speak, though, her voice is surprisingly gentle.
‘You’re right about that too, Olympia,’ she says.
‘Maybe it’s time we all looked at ourselves. It’s not like we can escape who we are, but at least we can try to figure it out. I guess …’ She clears her throat. ‘I guess because I had you so young, in some ways I treat you as a friend. But you’re my daughter.’ Mum bites her bottom lip, which has started to wobble.
‘Mum,’ I say, and all the anger has flown out of me. I think of the message I’ve been drafting with Kelly and I’m glad I’ve been doing it. It helps. But I don’t need that piece of paper at the moment. I know what I want to say.
‘I love that we’re friends. I wouldn’t change that for anything. I just need you and Dad to know that when you fight in front of me, I feel like you guys don’t see me, like you don’t even know I’m there. You don’t realise how much it upsets me. It makes me feel like Dad’s going to leave again and our family is going to break up forever. And I do want you to tell me stuff – just not the stuff you tell me about Dad. Because when you do that, it’s like I’m supposed to take sides. Which I can’t do. It pulls me apart.’
‘Limps,’ Mum says, ‘I get it. Honestly I do. And I’m going to talk to Jim about it. Privately. I promise.’ She pulls me into her and gives me a hug. It feels good.
‘School tomorrow, Limps,’ she says after the hug. Her voice is back to normal. I know there’s no point arguing. She’s my friend, but this is the mum side. ‘But what did you do all day today?’
I get out of bed and point at the portrait of Nick. Mum gets up too, and looks at it for ages.
‘My talented girl,’ she says eventually. ‘My smart, talented daughter. You’ll figure out how to get through the stuff with your friends, whatever it is.’
I shrug. It’s nice to hear Mum say that. And at least I’ve finally been able to tell her how I feel when she and Dad fight. Now I just need to work out how to talk to my friends.
School feels different on Wednesday. I walk in the front gates as though I’m a new girl, walking in for the first time. Like I have an ‘L’ on my forehead. A girl who doesn’t have any friends.
The breezeway seems to go forever today. I wind through groups of people who are pausing to chat. People who have friends to chat with.
I’m relieved, at least, that the gang isn’t at the lockers.
In class, I sit at a table by myself and just keep my head down, working really hard. I make sure I don’t even look their way, though I think I can feel their eyes boring into me at times. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act with them anymore.
At recess, I walk down towards our normal hangout, the slope above the basketball courts. I watch them from a distance. Edi is standing up, her hand shading her forehead in what looks like a salute. I know exactly what that means. She’s trying to get a glimpse of Archie on the soccer fields beyond the basketball court. I also know that Archie will come up to the slope to see Edi about five minutes before the bell goes, because that’s what they’ve organised as a compromise.
Hazel is propped up on her elbow on the grass, talking to Leo. Jess is sitting cross-legged beside Hazel. Chester has his arm around her shoulder. His hand is dangling, and I watch as Jess lifts her hand awkwardly, grabs Chester’s and moves it to the side. I know exactly why she’s doing that too. Jess is trying her best to avoid Chester’s hand randomly touching her boob.
Suddenly, Jess turns and looks my way. She extracts her hand from Chester’s and waves. I guess, out of our gang, Jess is the one I haven’t taken seriously. The one I don’t think about that often. She never seemed to have an edge, I guess. But she’s so kind. And, right now, her kindness gives me hope that I haven’t lost all my friends.
Now I see Edi and Hazel looking to see who Jess is waving at. Me. It’s awful, how they both look away.
I put my head down and walk back up the breezeway alone.
At lunchtime, I don’t even go down to the slope. Instead, I walk in the exact opposite direction, back towards the school gate. Erin, Briana and Phoebe are sitting at the bench. George is there too, talking with Erin. I wander over, trying to look casual. Trying to look like I’m just checking things out.
When Erin sees me, she beckons me over and makes room beside her on the bench for me. I don’t even care that she and George are yakking on about some lame computer game they’re both into.
At least it’s somewhere to be.
I’m glad when the bell goes. This has been one of the longest days of my life, and it’s not even over yet.
I rush to the lockers so I can pick up my portrait of Nick before anyone else gets there. I’m the first person in the art room.
I put the portrait facedown on the table in front of me. I’m a bit nervous about showing it to Nick, but I want him to be the first to see it. If he hates it, I won’t show anyone else. I’ll leave it up to him.
It’s not long before the rest of the class turns up. Anya sits next to me and Myra starts setting up some art gear at the front of the room. I notice she has some spraycans and my heart does a little skip as I think of Alec. Who my friends think I’ve made up.
When Nick arrives, he walks straight over to me. ‘Did you do it, Olympia?’ he asks excitedly. ‘Did you draw a picture of me?’
I nod, one hand on the facedown portrait. I put my other hand up. ‘Myra,’ I say. ‘Do you mind if I go outside with Nick for a moment to show him something I’ve drawn?’
Myra nods. ‘Okay,’ she says, ‘as long as you stay right outside, on the steps.’
Nick follows me out of the art room. I sit on a step with the portrait still facedown on my lap. I pat a space beside me and Nick sits down. Then, I turn over the picture.
He looks at it for a moment. ‘You didn’t make me into the Incredible Hulk,’ he says loudly. His forehead is creased in confusion, and he’s sitting very still, for Nick.
I’ve blown it. I’ve really blown it.
Nick holds out both hands and I put the portrait in them. ‘You just drew me, how I actually look,’ he says.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
‘But why?’ he asks.
I take a deep breath and sigh. It’s hard to explain why I wanted to draw him as he is. Of course he’s interested to see what he might look like all huge and green and ready to take on the world. But, in a way, that’s what I’ve been doing with myself. Lying to make myself seem somehow bigger, more exciting than I really am. And that hasn’t worked at all.
‘Why didn’t you want to draw me as the Incredible Hulk?’ Nick asks, but his voice is softer this time. He’s staring at the picture in his hands like he’s mesmerised.
‘Because you’re you, Nick,’ I say slowly. ‘I wanted to capture you.’
Nick holds the picture out in front of both of us.
‘I like it,’ he says finally. ‘I look interesting.’
As soon as he says that, I feel better. I’ve spent half my life thinking about how I can change myself into someone else – with better hair, teeth, legs, clothes. The list pretty much goes on forever. And it’s not only the physical stuff.
Kelly was right that I feel like I have to work hard to keep my position in the cool group. And that’s another way of trying to be someone else – someone my friends will think is more interesting than plain old Olympia.
The weirdest thing, though, is that it’s the people I haven’t even tried to impress who seem to like me the most. Nick looks very happy with me at the moment. And I’m pretty sure Alec likes me too. It’s just there, in the way we get along, in the way he’s asked to keep meeting up.
Maybe it’s time I stopped trying to turn myself into something bigger, better, more exciting. Maybe I should just let myself be me.
‘This must’ve taken a long time to draw,’ Nick says, interrupting my thoughts. ‘Maybe even four hours.’
/> In fact it took almost double that, but I just nod.
‘Can I keep it?’ he asks.
I scratch my head. This is the best thing I’ve ever drawn, and it did take me ages. Part of me doesn’t want to give it away. But then I realise it’s Nick who should own this picture. The way he owns himself.
‘Yep, sure,’ I say.
‘Thanks, Olympia,’ Nick says. ‘You’re really nice.’
And, right now, I do feel nice. Like I’ve done the right thing for a change.
‘Let’s show everyone,’ says Nick.
I follow him back into the classroom. Within seconds, he’s showing it around. Nick Bradbury, as he really is.
I wonder if it’s too late for me to do that.
Dad doesn’t cook very often, but tonight he’s made spaghetti carbonara. The three of us sit at the table.
‘So, that was a mysterious illness you had yesterday,’
Dad says to me. ‘It just came and went, didn’t it?’
‘Oh well, everyone needs a day off sometimes, Jim. A mental health day,’ Mum says.
‘I’ll mention that to my boss,’ Dad says.
As soon as he says that, I get a sinking feeling that they’re going to fight again. But something else happens.
Dad looks over at Mum. She raises her eyebrows, as though she’s prompting him to think twice before he goes on. He looks back at me.
‘I’m glad you’re feeling better,’ he says. He looks me right in the eyes, and I think I know what’s going on. Mum has told him how I feel when they fight, so he’s making sure I don’t feel ignored. It’s a bit awkward, but it’s something.
Finally, he looks back at Mum, and a small smile passes between them. As though they’re a little bit proud of themselves for not letting this turn into an argument. Not in front of me anyway.
And I know it’s weird for me to think it, since I’m the kid, but I’m proud of them too.
I’m sitting on my bed. I’ve had my phone in my hand for ages, but I haven’t done it yet.
It’s a risk. The girls might not want anything to do with me anymore. But I have to give it a go.
I run through it in my mind, trying to practise what I’m going to say, like Kelly’s taught me.
I want to suggest a meeting before school tomorrow.
Even if it goes really badly, at least I’ll know. I don’t want to go through another day like today, in limbo land.
I don’t want it to be at Edi’s caravan, or in the drama room. There have been loads of meetings between us in both those places. I really want to try somewhere new, because that’s what I’m hoping for. A fresh start.
Finally, I type in the text.
Any chance of meeting at the skate park 8 am tomoz? I know it’s early, but I want to explain. O.
I wait. Stare at the screen.
Jess’s text comes back first. Like she doesn’t even need to consider it.
See u there x
If I’m ever allowed back in the group, I’m going to be different with Jess. She’s really special.
Finally, the phone beeps with two more messages.
Ok
K
They’re not exactly the warmest texts I’ve ever received. But at least they’re going to give me a go.
I make sure I arrive at the skate park first. There are only a few skaters doing manoeuvres on the ramp. No-one we know, luckily.
Edi, Hazel and Jess all arrive together. When I see them, they’re walking really slowly. I’m pretty sure that Hazel and Edi are setting the pace, because Jess keeps having to wait for them. It’s as though they’re not convinced they should be here. Then Jess ups the pace and walks straight over to the bench where I’m sitting. She throws her schoolbag on the table and takes a seat next to me.
‘Hey, Limps, how’s it going? It’s a much nicer day than yesterday, but Tuesday was really crap. You were lucky you were away. It was pouring, and we all begged Miss Kearns to do an inside game, but she was all, “Come on, it’s only spitting,” and Leni’s all like, “If you run you can hardly feel the rain,” and then we spent the whole period on the oval and everyone was soaked. You should see Anya’s hair when it’s wet. It’s full-on curly. Adam looked like a drowned rat …’ Jess shakes her head and smiles. She seems to remember why she started talking about Tuesday in the first place, just as Hazel and Edi get to us. ‘So, why were you away?’ Jess asks.
Hazel sits on the other side of the table, but Edi stays standing up, as though she wants to have the option of getting away fast. I have an urge to say I was sick, but I stop myself. If I’m ever going to fix things, I need to start with the truth.
I clear my throat. It’s one thing finding the right words when you’re alone in your bedroom, but it’s completely another when you have to share them. ‘I was kind of depressed,’ I say. ‘Because I’ve been an idiot.’
I silently will Edi to sit down with us. It seems to work. She slides into the bench seat next to Hazel. I take a deep breath. Here goes.
‘My parents had an argument last Sunday night, and I was still upset the next day at school, you know, when we had maths and PE.’ I start slowly, looking down at the table. I try to ease myself into this. ‘It was pretty much one of their normal arguments.’
I risk a quick glance across the table. Hazel and Edi are listening, but Hazel is frowning. Edi raises her eyebrows, like she’s exasperated. They’ve heard this all before, of course. They’re waiting for more. I look down again.
‘The thing is, even though it’s normal for them to fight, I never get used to it. That night, it felt worse than usual.’ I put my head in my hands, and then pull them down again. If I’m going to do this, I can’t hide away. I lift my head and direct the next bit at Edi. ‘I saw the Sunday Style Snapshot where you said you were shopping with Hazel, and it felt … it just felt like you guys were getting really close and I …’ I heave out a sigh. This is tough. ‘I was jealous, I guess.’
‘Olympia,’ Edi says. Her voice is hard. ‘You really have to stop trying to control everything. It’s kind of suffocating.’ She looks like she’s considering whether to say something else. I wait. ‘You can’t own people, Olympia.’
It hits hard, like a thump in my chest. I’m not Edi’s one and only best friend. And the harder I’ve tried to make that true, the more I seem to have pushed her away.
‘Olympia, you have to let people do whatever they want to do with whoever they want to do it with. I can’t … It should be okay for any of us to hang out without having to feel bad about it. Like, we’re all supposed to be friends.’
It’s true, what she’s said. I know I’ve been kind of crazy about wanting to be closest to Edi. But Hazel and Jess are my friends too. I suppose I haven’t made it easy.
‘You’re a really good friend,’ Edi says and now her voice is softer, as though she’s got out at least one of her main frustrations. ‘You’re so loyal when I have a problem. I want to be loyal right back to you. But it stresses me out when you’re upset about not being included in everything. Can you please try not to worry about that stuff so much?’
At least Edi has told me I’m smart and loyal. The fact that she’s asked me to try seems to suggest she’s thinking of giving me a second chance.
I nod. ‘I’ll try,’ I say.
‘What does all this have to do with the story you made up about your dad and Sandra?’ Hazel asks. As usual, she’s the one getting all practical and logical and trying to put the puzzle pieces together. But today, I don’t mind. Today, I want to try to get the full picture of me and our group, even if it hurts.
I think of the portrait I gave Nick, of how he ended up liking it. It was true to him. It gives me strength to tell my own truth.
‘It was kind of a combination of things,’ I say. ‘My parents were arguing, and I felt like I was losing you, Edi. Like you didn’t find me as interesting as Hazel now that she has a boyfriend and …’
‘Hey, whoa there,’ Jess interrupts. ‘What am I? Chop
ped liver?’
‘No, I was just about to say that you also have a boyfriend,’ I begin, but there’s something about Jess, a lightness, that sort of infiltrates our mood. When I look up at Edi and Hazel, they’re both biting their lips, trying not to smile.
‘It was yuck,’ I continue. ‘But such ordinary yuck. Then I saw that episode of Acacia Lane and even though Dad wasn’t having an affair, the way he and Mum argue sometimes feels just as upsetting to me. It had been building up. Every night with them, even if things were fine, I was waiting for something to go wrong. Then, waiting again for Mum to come and dump it all on me.’ I pause and look around the table. I can tell my friends are listening to me. Seeing me. ‘I know it was dumb, but I used the story from Acacia Lane because I thought it might make you guys understand how I felt. I’m really sorry. It was a stupid lie.’
Edi sighs. ‘It was stupid, Limps,’ she says. She hasn’t called me that for days.
‘But I kind of get it now,’ Hazel adds. ‘It must be awful when your parents fight. Your mum should stop talking to you about your dad, too.’
‘You’ve got to tell her,’ Edi says.
‘Actually, I did tell her,’ I say. ‘I’ve been seeing Kelly Alisi, and she helped me to figure out what to say. And so far, it’s making things better.’
‘That’s good, Limps,’ Edi says softly. She grabs my hand over the table. ‘But no more lies, hey? Or we won’t know when to believe you.’
I get the feeling that she still thinks I’ve been lying about Alec. That I’ve made him up. But I don’t feel like protesting about that right now. Right now, it’s enough if we can all just be friends again. Even if that means letting go of the idea that Edi is my best friend and mine only.
‘Well, you can lie about small things,’ Jess says. ‘Like, if you really hate someone’s clothes, then you shouldn’t actually tell them exactly …’
Hazel holds her hand up in the familiar stop sign. I feel the beginnings of a smile creep onto my face.
Invisible Me Page 7
