Beating Around the Bush

by Buchwald, Art

  I asked, “Where do we go?”

  Rothman studied the map. “West Virginia?”

  “I have never been to West Virginia. Will they give us shelter?”

  “FEMA will say they have to. If the people there refuse, they will set up tent cities.”

  I said, “FEMA is prepared for every situation. That is why they always get such a good press. What do we do for money?”

  “The government will declare us poor, and will give us money slated for the Defense Department or the CIA.”

  “I don’t want to be classified as poor,” I said.

  “Nobody wants to be poor. The media won’t leave you alone,” Rothman said. “They are always looking for poor people for the evening news.”

  I said, “We’re dealing with a hypothetical. That’s why we’re getting drunk.”

  Rothman poured himself another drink. He slurred, “FEMA makes me proud to be a taxpayer.”

  “Let’s toast Bush’s disapproval ratings.”

  Rothman said, “I’ll drink to that.”

  A Leak in the Basement

  IT WAS THE LEAK that shook the world—and worse still—the New York Times.

  The first time it showed up was when Robert Novak, known as “Hurricane Darkness,” printed the name of a CIA agent who was the wife of American Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times that Saddam Hussein was not buying uranium from Niger to make an atomic bomb and did not have weapons of mass destruction, which was the president’s excuse for going into Iraq, and which was supposed to be a piece of cake, which turned into a quagmire, causing the death and wounding of thousands of American soldiers and Marines, not to mention Iraqi citizens, and created an army of insurgents who are still there killing Iraqi soldiers because they are not ready to defend themselves without coalition forces.

  Once the leak was sprung, it became a broken levee. The public demanded to find out who leaked it, and the Justice Department, under pressure, appointed a special prosecutor to investigate whether any laws were broken and how far up in government the leaker went.

  It turns out the name was mentioned to six reporters, but only Novak used it, and so far, no one knows what he revealed to the special prosecutor, except he is not in contempt, as is Judy Miller, of the New York Times, who refused to reveal her sources and chose to go to jail instead, a noble act that recently became questionable, in part because her confidential source agreed to give her a waiver so she could get out of jail.

  But she refused and stayed for 85 days.

  The New York Times originally described her as “Joan of Arc,” but after she was released they started having some misgivings because her version as to what happened conflicted in many ways with those of the Times reporters who were covering the story.

  By this time the leakers’ names were bandied about, and lo and behold, the leak came from the White House and the names I. Lewis Libby, Karl Rove, and Vice President Cheney kept popping up, and try as much as they could, they couldn’t find a plumber before all the damage was done.

  This is not the first time the White House has leaked, but it is the first time they got caught at it, and possibly lied to the grand jury about facts.

  The whole purpose of the leak was to discredit Ambassador Wilson’s reputation and destroy his story because it contradicted the White House story about weapons of mass destruction as an excuse for invading Iraq, which they believed would bring democracy to the Middle East, in spite of anti-Bush people, who would love to see Republicans lose the election in 2006 because most of the American people have recently decided that going into Baghdad was a bad idea, and made us villains all over the world.

  It is not for us to decide whether a leak to a reporter can bring down the White House, at least not until the special prosecutor hands in his report.

  Torture Airlines

  EVERY TIME I SEE a high government official on television, he or she says, “We don’t torture people.”

  It is a mantra and is said every day when someone in the Bush administration speaks to the press.

  The phrase got new life when it was revealed by the media that the CIA was flying prisoners to countries in Asia and East Europe.

  The cynics have dubbed it, “Torture Airlines.”

  At first the CIA denied the flights existed. But when the unmarked planes kept landing at airports around the globe, they admitted they had the planes, but denied the aircraft had anything to do with torture.

  A CIA airline spokesperson said, “There is no such thing as torture in our flight book.”

  I said, “How can you say that when you make the prisoners sit in the middle seat with no leg room? Don’t you consider that torture?”

  He said, “There is nothing in the Geneva Convention that says we are not permitted to have a prisoner of war fly coach.”

  “It has been reported that you only give them pretzels on the flights.”

  “We are not going to give them a full meal, especially on our short flights to Poland and Bulgaria.”

  “Do you show movies on your flights?” I asked him.

  “No feature films. But we will let the passengers watch Vice President Cheney making a speech to the American Legion. It may not be enough to break the POWs down, but at least it will soften them up.

  He continued, “Torture Airlines plays by the rules. For example, you can’t get out of your seat at takeoff or landing. If a POW has a laptop computer, he can’t turn it on until we are 10,000 feet in the air.”

  “Has it become more expensive for you to fly since the price of fuel has gone up?”

  He replied, “Our passengers travel light. They are only allowed to carry one bag on the plane, and no scissors or prayer beads. This keeps the weight down, and then we have room for 10 more terrorists who could spill the beans.”

  I asked, “What about frequent flyer miles for your passengers?”

  He said, “We haven’t gotten into that yet.”

  I said, “Frankly I don’t understand the purpose of your airline. You say you don’t torture anyone, and yet . . .”

  “Who said we didn’t torture anyone?”

  “Condoleezza Rice, for one. She says Americans don’t do that sort of thing.”

  He replied, “She is a nice lady, but no Secretary of State knows what the CIA is up to. She has to fly around the world assuring everyone the only reason we fly al Qaeda members to foreign lands is because we don’t have any room to lock them up at home.”

  “Still,” I said, “some people believe you deliver them to places like Egypt and Pakistan because it is easier to torture people there without the bleeding hearts finding out about it.”

  “We deny it. We fly people to places they have never been to before. For example our passengers have never seen the Pyramids or traveled up the Nile. ‘Torture Airlines’ goes to places even Delta doesn’t.”

  I asked, “If you are not a suspected terrorist or an al Qaeda big shot can you still get a seat on the plane?”

  He said, “No, we are completely sold out for a year. But if you could be a suicide bomber we will put you on the waiting list.”

  Let’s Pretend

  LET’S SAY YOU are rich. Not just rich, but filthy rich. Then let’s pretend what it will cost you.

  You started with nothing, but then made your money investing other people’s money for them.

  How did you get these clients? You promised them you would double their money for them. People who have money always like to make more.

  The market is at its height, and you invest their money in stocks that have to do with the computer business.

  Word is out that you can make a killing for them, and the rich folks come to your door begging for you to take them on.

  Before you know it, you are investing six hundred million dollars for people all over the country.

  It makes you feel good and it makes them feel good.

  You buy yourself homes in Florida, Paris, and a duplex penthouse on Par
k Avenue. You own a yacht, and you have paintings by Chagall, Picasso, Modigliani, Renoir, and Jackson Pollock on the walls.

  A private plane is always at your disposal.

  There is only one thing wrong. You get no respect. You are a nobody, and you want to be a somebody.

  A friend who is a somebody says, “You have to become a philanthropist. The only way to get into the newspapers is to pledge money to America’s cultural and educational institutions. I will take you under my wing.”

  You thank him gratefully and tell him, “When I become somebody I will never forget you.”

  He says, “To start with, pledge fifty million dollars to the Museum of Modern Art and another fifty big ones to Harvard. Do you like opera?”

  You answer, “I love opera.”

  “Then announce you are going to give seventy million to the Met.

  “Don’t stop there,” your friend tells you. “M.I.T. can always use money. Give to the ballet, and also to a fund to save Venice. Once the word is out that you are an easy mark, everyone in the arts will come to you.”

  Now remember, you are very, very rich, and your investments are doing very, very well.

  You start to notice a difference in the way people treat you. Headwaiters always have a table for you. You get into all the gossip columns, and your picture appears in the newspaper every time you go to a party.

  You know you are a somebody when they ask you to put your hands in cement on the sidewalk in front of Lincoln Center.

  All your friends are somebodies. You no longer have to circulate with nobodies.

  So you are a very rich and contented person. Life is good, and you have fulfilled the American dream and more.

  Then all hell breaks loose. The stock market where you invested everybody else’s money goes down the drain.

  Once you made millions—now you lose millions. The only problem is that you, as the Good Samaritan, have pledged money to all these institutions, and they would love to collect it before you go bankrupt.

  Now here comes the bad news. Instead of investing all your clients’ money in the market, you used it to keep up your life style.

  One lady discovers her money was not invested in the market as you promised. She calls you a crook.

  The Attorney General of New York State has a thing about your stealing other people’s money. He announces he is going to make an example of you.

  If we follow this scenario to its end, you go to jail—and still owe Harvard fifty million dollars.

  The Truth About Global Warming

  PRESIDENT BUSH IS COVERING all his bases. He is traveling around the United States defending his policies. The White House is scripting his appearances, and of course they depend on press coverage.

  Bush’s handlers points out to the president that he had not said anything about global warming, and it was becoming a sore point with the public.

  One advisor says, “Let’s set up a news conference and advertise the fact that the president will talk about the question of global warming.”

  The president agrees that it is a good idea and asks, “Where should we hold the conference?”

  Another advisor answers, “What do you think about holding a fundraiser on the Arctic Ocean?”

  Someone else says, “What about on the Titanic?”

  “And we’ll have a big banner saying, ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. ’”

  The president says, “I like it. What do I say about my stand on global warming?”

  “You can say that the press only writes about the bad things, like the earth getting warmer and polar ice caps melting. You will announce that your environmental advisor, who formerly worked for the Petroleum Institute, said that scientists don’t know what they’re talking about.”

  Bush says, “I have never trusted scientists. They just stick with the numbers, and all they want to do is hurt us politically.”

  “Then, Mr. President, you will assure the country that the Titanic will never hit an iceberg as long as you’re president. And even if it does, you will stay the course.”

  The president nods his head. “Can I talk about greenhouse gases that are melting the ice at both poles?”

  “We think it’s a good idea to say that although the emissions may be responsible for the melting, American corporations are dependent on carbon dioxide to keep their factories going. You should also say warm weather will cut down on the use of heating oil.”

  The president says, “This would be a good place to attack the environmentalists.”

  An advisor says, “If any of the scientists try to make us look silly on global warming we’ll censor their reports and forbid them to attack our position.”

  The president asks, “Can I promise we can bring the boys home by Christmas?”

  “Good idea.”

  An aide says, “Mr. President, your second term is only the tip of the iceberg, and you will do whatever is necessary, even though it hurts you in the polls.”

  Another advisor adds, “The temperature changes can’t but help your popularity. You’ll go down in history as the American president that warmed the world.”

  An environmental advisor says, “We will announce that we believe in a pre-emptive strike against floods, droughts, heat waves and hurricanes—because you think it’s the right thing to do.”

  An advisor says, “The country will remember that you were the captain of the Titanic, and if it weren’t for you, the ship would have struck an iceberg.”

  “Sir, this global warming news conference on the Titanic will be remembered in a league with the Gettysburg address.”

  “Mr. President, this will be a great photo-op.”

  The president asks, “Who will we put on the deck of the Titanic to cheer me on?

  “Conservatives, anti-environmentalists, polar bears, seals, and penguins.”

  The Nine Trillion Dollar Heist

  I TOLD KNUDSON the other day that the national deficit is now nine trillion dollars.

  He said, “And what’s the bad news?”

  I said, “It’s not as terrible as it sounds because it’s only $31,500 dollars for each man, woman, and child in the United States.”

  Knudson said, “Well I don’t have $31,500.”

  I said, “Well if you can’t find it, you’re going to have to get your kid to pay it.”

  “My kid would probably spend it on CDs and pot.”

  I answered, “Well that’s not going to help us fiscally. If we’re going to make our kids pay our debt, they have to get very serious. I know they have no respect for the Boomer Generation, but we can’t carry around a nine-trillion-dollar debt on our backs.

  Knudson suggested, “I could hold up a bank, because that’s where the money is.”

  I replied, “That money has already been spoken for.”

  Knudson asked, “How are you going to come up with the money?”

  I said, “I’m lucky because I have three children and five grandchildren. They promised if I couldn’t pay it they would.”

  Knudson asked, “How can you be sure?”

  I said, “My children and grandchildren have never lied to me. Also, by the time they grow up, nine trillion dollars won’t be much money. It will hardly pay the salary of a good baseball player.”

  Knudson suggested, “Maybe we can make it an accounting problem. Every corporation seems to be cheating on their taxes. So we could just get accountants to cook the books.”

  “No, Knudson.” I said. “You don’t cheat on taxes. If we did the rest of the world would lose respect for us. This country was built on the idea of, ‘No taxation without representation.’ That’s not true anymore because of the lobbyists.”

  “What would happen if every man woman and child refused to pay the nine trillion dollars?”

  I said, “Perish the thought. I don’t want to see little kids running around the parks refusing to contribute to reducing the deficit. We have a slogan, ‘Let no taxpayer be left behind.’”

  Knudson asked,
“Does the deficit have anything to do with the government?”

  “Heavens, no. The government is very frugal, and spends money only for things that are absolutely necessary, including war.”

  Knudson said, “I don’t want to be pro-Bush or anti-Bush. But at the same time I don’t want to owe him money.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I know he has a plan to pay off the nine trillion before he leaves office.”

  “I’m just warning you,” I said. “If you don’t come up with the $31,500, and if your kid doesn’t, and your grandchild doesn’t, the IRS will take your house away from you.”

  Knudson said, “Can we change the subject? I hate to talk about taxes while we’re eating dinner.”

  I said, “I probably wouldn’t bring it up if April 15th wasn’t just around the corner.”

  Knudson said, “Well, I’ll tell you this, paying taxes makes sick to my stomach.”

  “There are only two things that mean anything, Knudson—death and taxes. You can do something about death, but you can’t do anything about taxes.”

  Good News

  HOW DO YOU GET your news in a hospice? Just like everybody else. Some days are good days, and some are bad. Last week was full of good news.

  Tom DeLay announced he wasn’t going to run for Congress. In one story he said he was doing God’s will. Another said he could be in trouble for raising money by doing favors.

  I was not joyous when I heard the news. DeLay is one of the few targets in Congress who is known by everyone. When I mention his name I don’t even have to say, “The Hammer.” I don’t know whether people enjoy reading about him because he was once an exterminator, or because as the leader of the House he took favors from Jack Abramoff.

  What will the media do without Tom DeLay? We’ll find somebody almost as good, although we will have to wait for the next election.

  The next story that the country enjoyed had to do with the president giving Dick Cheney a leak, which he passed on to I. Lewis Libby. The attorney general said the president had a right to leak secret stuff to the public if it’s in our interest. I agreed because Bush is my president and I trust someone who is not afraid to leak top-secret information.