How to Keep a Secret

by Sarah Morgan

  Damn you, Ed.

  She stared across the choppy sea to the island. Something stirred inside her, a deep unease, as if some part of her sensed that this place could somehow shake the foundations of the life she’d built. She’d always had mixed feelings about Martha’s Vineyard. Her visits home brought a rash of memories, many of which she could happily have deleted from her brain. She associated the place with teenage emotions and bad choices.

  Most of all, she associated the place with him and that one spectacular summer that had never been matched or repeated. She’d experienced heartache and heartbreak and a breadth of other agonizing human emotions in the space of a few short months, and had changed forever.

  Jenna had been right when she’d questioned whether there was a reason Lauren hadn’t returned often.

  He was the reason.

  She’d been afraid of bumping into memories. Afraid of bumping into him.

  In London she was a different person. She’d reinvented herself. Part of her had always been a little nervous that she might revert to her original self when she stepped off the ferry.

  Lauren stared down at the boil and swirl of the waves. For a wild moment she thought about jumping. With her current run of luck she’d probably land on a rock.

  She looked away from the water, feeling guilty for even thinking of jumping. She had responsibilities, and now she was facing them on her own. There was no one else.

  Had marrying Ed been a coward’s way out or the right decision? She no longer knew.

  “Staying with Grams will be fun.”

  “For two weeks in the summer, yes, but forever?” Mack turned her head slowly, the look in her eyes pure teenage disdain. “You promised to be honest. That night in my bedroom you said no more lying.”

  “You’re right, I did.” She rejected the instinct to protect her daughter from the truth. “It might not be that much fun, but we don’t have much choice.” What could she say? That she wasn’t looking forward to it either? That a grown woman of thirty-five shouldn’t have to move back home with her mother, especially when they’d never had that great a relationship in the first place? That she had no idea how to talk to her own mother about what was happening in her life? “It’s hard, but we need to keep going.” She tried to inject some normality. “We’ll do some of the things we always do. Beach, bike rides, maybe go shopping—”

  “Last time I looked you couldn’t buy a new life.”

  They’d been given a new life whether they wanted it or not. And they couldn’t shop for anything until she’d worked out a way to produce income. That was top of her list of problems to solve.

  “We’re lucky Grams has a big house and can easily accommodate us.”

  Lauren loved her mother, but the thought of living in close quarters after so many years made her hyperventilate. Her mother didn’t really know her, although to be fair that was probably as much Lauren’s fault as Nancy’s.

  Apart from her sister, there was only one person who had truly known her and he’d sailed away from her life a long time ago.

  As the ferry docked and people started to disembark Lauren was tempted to stay on board, but she knew she had to start facing her problems. She had to deal with them one by one, the best she could. Lists. Plans. Control.

  Her mother had promised to meet her.

  Lauren would have preferred it to be Jenna, but her sister was teaching and she’d already missed more than enough classes flying to London to support Lauren.

  She held out her hand but Mack shot her a horrified glance and dipped her head.

  “I’m not six. Please don’t kill my credibility dead before I’ve even set foot in the place. There’s only so many times a person can move, you know?”

  Lauren wondered how they were going to get past this. Ed’s death should have pulled them closer, but it had pushed them apart.

  Patience and time, she thought. That was all she had.

  At least there was nothing more that could happen.

  Perhaps the only advantage of being at rock bottom was that the only way was up.

  They hauled their luggage off the ferry and she saw the familiar figure of her mother clutching the edges of the same unflattering gray coat she’d worn for the last decade. For someone lauded for her use of color, it had always puzzled Lauren that her mother now showed such a lack of interest in clothing. Despite the fact that her paintings commanded eye-watering sums, she never seemed to spend anything on herself. Her once-blond hair was now a uniform gray and a pair of glasses perched on the end of her nose.

  Next to her stood a man. His shoulders were wide and powerful and he hunched them slightly as protection against the relentless buffeting of the wind. His legs were long and strong and his hair was the color of the sky at midnight. Although she wasn’t close enough to see his eyes, she knew they were blue. Ice blue, like frost on the water or a pale winter sky.

  Lauren stopped walking and Mack bumped into her, almost knocking her off balance.

  “Whoa! If you’re going to put the brakes on, some warning would be good.” Steadying herself, Mack stepped round her mother and kissed her grandmother. “Hi, Grams. Yes, I’ve grown. Yes, I’m taller. It’s an amazing feat of nature.”

  Nancy gave a distracted smile, either not noticing teenage sarcasm or unfazed by it. “How was the crossing? Lauren, I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t drive. My car is in the garage. You remember Scott Rhodes? He’s been doing some work on the house and he gave me a ride.” She gestured vaguely to the man standing next to her and Lauren tried to control the waves of dizziness.

  Scott Rhodes.

  So in fact she hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. She was still falling.

  It had been more than sixteen years since she’d seen him, but the recognition was instant and visceral. Heat seared her skin and shot through her pelvis. Her legs started to tremble.

  Her gaze locked on his and she felt as if she’d slammed headfirst into a wall.

  Her senses felt as if they’d been woken from a long sleep.

  Through a cloud of mist she heard Mack say, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Scott Rhodes?”

  The world started to spin. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t suck air into her lungs. Something heavy pressed against her chest. Heart attack?

  As if in slow motion, she felt the bag slip from her fingers and her legs start to give way under her.

  I’m going to faint, she thought. Maybe I’ll hit my head and all this will be over. Maybe I’ll fall in the water and drown—

  But she couldn’t let that happen, could she?

  Mack needed her—

  She crumpled to the ground and through the shadows and rolling gray mist heard Mack’s horrified scream.

  “You’ve killed my mom!” Her voice was high and shrill and came from far away. “Thanks a lot. Now I’m an orphan.”

  13

  Lauren

  Flashback: a scene that returns to events in the past

  Moonlight spilled over the beach and she lay nestled in the protective curve of his arm, staring up at the stars. The sand was warm beneath her back and she could hear the soft rush of the sea as it hit the shore.

  Was there a more beautiful place on earth?

  If there was, then she didn’t need to see it. This was enough.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” His arms tightened around her. “I’ve never said those words to anyone.”

  But he’d said them to her.

  It made her feel invincible, as if she could walk on water or leap off a building and fly.

  The future she’d envisaged was changing shape. She wasn’t sure where college fit in with the way she felt about Scott. She tried to imagine herself going to classes and never seeing him. How could that option possibly make her happy?

  “
You could come with me when I leave.” She’d been thinking about it, trying to find solutions.

  “And do what?” He lay still. “I sail boats. There’s not a lot of call for that in a city.”

  “You’d hate living in a city. Forget it, it wouldn’t work.” But what would? It made her brain ache, trying to find a solution. No matter how many different ways she tried to assemble the pieces of the puzzle, they didn’t fit. “I could come with you. We could live on a boat.”

  “I don’t own a boat, Laurie. I sail other people’s boats. I fix other people’s boats.”

  “But Joshua says you’re the best he has ever had working for him in the boatyard. He says you have a feel for the sea, and a feel for wood. He has more than enough work for you. You don’t have to leave.” She was desperate to convince him.

  “I can’t stay in one place.” He let go of her and sat up, his jaw tense as he stared out to sea. “I have to keep moving.”

  “Why? Because that’s what you’ve done before? Maybe it’s time to change that.” She was so desperate she decided to be bold. “I know it happened to you over and over again when you were growing up. I know they moved you from foster home to foster home, often with no warning—”

  “Laurie—”

  “And I know you hate talking about it,” she plowed on, “but now you’re doing the same thing to yourself! You don’t have to move, Scott. You could stay. You could settle.”

  “You need to stop this.” He sounded tired. “You need to stop planning a future.”

  “Just because you didn’t ever dare plan a future when you were growing up doesn’t mean you can’t now.”

  “Things change, Laurie.”

  She wasn’t sure what he meant by that. “I’m not going to change. My feelings for you won’t change.”

  “Things happen that are outside your control.”

  “But we have control over this. Us. We’ll find a way.” When he didn’t even look at her she felt a rush of despair. “I know you don’t trust anyone, but I’m not anyone.” He was like a stray dog, she thought, afraid to approach any human.

  “What you need is to go to college, then get a fancy job in Manhattan and date smart guys who are lawyers or doctors.”

  “Just because a guy isn’t a lawyer or a doctor doesn’t mean he isn’t smart.”

  “You’re so young, Laurie.”

  “I am not!” She felt him slipping away from her. She felt as if she was losing him and the one thing she did know was that she didn’t want that. What she wanted was love, and she knew she’d never find another love like this. She leaned forward and kissed his jaw, feeling the roughness of stubble beneath her lips. “You’re the first man I’ve ever loved.”

  “I’m the first man you’ve had sex with.” His voice was rough and she knew he was thinking about it.

  She thought about it all the time. His hands. His mouth. “That has nothing to do with my feelings.”

  “Are you sure? Sex has a powerful effect on some people.”

  “Until I met you, I never wanted to have sex. You know why.” And it still surprised her that she’d felt able to tell him so much. He was the only person she’d ever told.

  She’d been attracted to his strength and quiet confidence.

  She knew some people on the island were wary of him, but with her he’d been gentle and patient.

  He understood her. He listened. He cared. She felt closer to him than anyone in her family, even her sister. She trusted him completely.

  The fact that their relationship was private made it all the more intense and personal. She shared him with no one.

  Sometimes she passed him during the day when she was rushing to and from her job at the beach café. Her gaze would meet his and it took all her effort not to race across and hurl herself into his arms.

  The only thing stopping her was the knowledge that they’d be together later. She met him every evening, after dark on a private stretch of sand that belonged to a beach house that was unoccupied. They had a place at the far end of the beach, tucked between the dunes, where other people rarely went.

  Some people had a bar or a restaurant that was their place.

  For Lauren it was a patch of sand sheltered by dunes and seagrass.

  “Let’s stop talking about the future.” The more time they spent together, she reasoned, the harder he would find it to leave her. “We have the whole summer ahead of us. All I care about is now.”

  14

  Mack

  Remorse: a sense of deep regret and guilt

  for some misdeed

  “Mom, wake up.” She felt the concrete of the dock pressing through her jeans and the cold bite of the wind on her neck, but the only thing she cared about was that her mother wasn’t moving. “Please don’t be dead.” She couldn’t possibly die and leave Mack now, when her life was a disaster and her brain was jammed with so many confused feelings she couldn’t begin to unravel them.

  The tears she’d been holding back rose like the tide, scalding her throat.

  “Mom!” Why had she been so vile? She’d said mean and hateful things and now her mom was going to die, too, and Mack would be alone with a big fat guilty conscience to add to all the other emotions churning uncomfortably inside her.

  Worst of all was the fact that she wouldn’t have the chance to say sorry.

  The thought terrified her so badly she knew she was going to break down and sob right here in front of everyone.

  Her mother was pale, and the dark rings under her eyes made her look like something from one of those zombie movies Abigail had made them watch.

  Mack felt as if she were being choked. There was no air and her chest hurt. Was she having a heart attack? She was going to die, too.

  She sent a desperate look to her grandmother, but Nancy was standing immobile.

  It was as if she’d been turned to stone.

  Mack was trying to come to terms with the fact that she was going to die right alongside her mother when a strong hand closed over her shoulder.

  “Breathe out slowly—” The voice was deep and reassuring. “You’re going to be all right.”

  She was not all right.

  “Dying—” She gasped out the word and he crouched down next to her, his hand warm and steady on her back.

  “You’re not dying. You’re safe.”

  Safe? How could he think she was safe?

  And why wasn’t her grandmother doing something or saying something?

  But the feel of that hand on her back gradually calmed her. It soothed and comforted. He didn’t talk nonstop, but he was quiet and calm. Perhaps she wasn’t dying. Surely no one could be that calm if they were about to witness a catastrophe?

  “Keep breathing slowly. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” Something about that rough, firm voice made it impossible to do anything but respond.

  Gradually her heartbeat started to slow. The tingling feeling faded.

  “My mom—”

  “She’s going to be fine, too. She fainted, that’s all. I’m going to take a look at her now, so you keep up that slow breathing for me.” He shifted away slightly and she resisted the temptation to grab him and yell don’t let me go.

  “Are you a doctor or something?”

  “No.”

  He glanced at her and she found herself staring into eyes exactly like her own.

  She swallowed.

  Did he know? Did he see what she saw?

  She waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. Instead he placed his fingers on her mother’s wrist and checked her pulse.

  Then he let go of her mom’s wrist and stroked her hair away from her face. “Laurie—”

  Laurie?

  Mack stared at him. No one ever called her mother Laurie. She was always Lauren. And she’d never heard anyo
ne use that tone before when talking to her. Not even her dad. Ed. Scott’s tone was gentle. Personal. More like a purr than a bark. Like he really knew her.

  Feeling self-conscious and insecure, she sneaked another look at her grandmother.

  Her mom had told her that Grams hadn’t known about Scott, but she had to know, otherwise why would she have brought him here? Maybe they’d had a conversation over the phone and her mom had forgotten to tell her. There had been plenty of occasions when her mother had tried to talk to her over the past few weeks and Mack had rebuffed her.

  Of course she wouldn’t have rebuffed her if she’d known she was going to die.

  “Should we call 911?” Her grandmother’s voice was thready and weak and she was looking at Scott Rhodes as if he was likely to have an answer for every problem.

  Mack was surprised by the trust she saw there.

  Why were her grandmother and this man so comfortable around each other? Why wasn’t she yelling at him for having killed her daughter? Or making her pregnant? It was hard to know which might seem worse to an adult.

  “She’s going to be fine. Let’s get her to the house.” He slid his arms under Lauren’s limp body and lifted her easily.

  Mack knew her mouth was open but she couldn’t help it.

  Not in a million years would Ed have ever picked her mom up. In fact Mack had never seen a man pick a woman up before, except in the movies. She’d always assumed that in real life you’d probably put your back out. “Where are you taking her?” What if he was going to drop her mom in the cold water or something? Maybe he was angry she’d married Ed.

  “I’m taking her to the car.”

  Mack was relieved to hear her mother give a moan of protest as Scott placed her on the seat of the pickup. If she was moaning, that meant she was alive, didn’t it?

  Relief turned her legs to water.

  She saw her mother’s eyes open and widen as she stared at Scott.

  In that instant it was as if the rest of the world had vanished.

  They gazed at each other for so long that Mack wanted to yell, I’m still here!