“We go a long ways back,” was all Declan said.
“You and my brothers go a long way back,” Ren corrected. “I can count on one hand the number of times you and I have talked.”
“We’re family,” was all Declan.
Ren suspected he wasn’t going to get anything else out of Declan on the subject and he wasn’t sure he really wanted to. He was afraid that the answer might disappoint him.
“I’m sorry about Sylvie,” Ren said as his thoughts drifted to the blonde beauty who’d stolen his brother’s heart. She’d been full of life and energy and it broke his heart to think about the agony Dom must have experienced when he lost her. And he couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain Declan must have gone through at losing his baby sister. “I didn’t know she was sick again.”
“She got the diagnosis a year ago. June 20th. Her birthday.”
Ren felt a wave of pity go through him. June 20th was a week ago. The day before Declan and Jagger had shown up at the cabin. Probably the day Declan had gotten drunk.
“I didn’t go to the appointment,” Declan continued. “I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough this time around.”
“This time?” Ren asked softly.
“First one was when she was 12. She kept asking me if she was going to die. I promised her she wouldn’t.”
“How old were you?”
“Twenty-two,” Declan said.
“Your parents?” Ren asked.
Declan shook his head. “Too busy making all the right political connections to be bothered with a little thing like leukemia – especially when Sylvie had a nanny that once worked for an unnamed royal family in Europe,” Declan bit out. “Didn’t stop the bitch from hightailing it out of there when she found out she’d be expected to take care of a kid undergoing chemo.”
“You took care of Sylvie by yourself?” Ren asked.
Declan nodded. “I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to keep my promise,” he said. “The vomiting, the hair falling out, the exhaustion, the constant nausea…the doctors tried to prepare us for what to expect but you just can’t prepare for something like that. She was so brave. She didn’t even cry when I shaved her hair off.”
Declan suddenly laughed again but this time the sound was all wrong and it made Ren’s heart clench.
“First time she cried was when I shaved my head too. Second time was when she asked our parents to come home and they said they’d try…we both knew what that meant.”
“I’m sorry, Declan,”
Declan shook his head. “She got through it. She beat it the second time too. She’d met Dom by then and she was so scared he’d leave her. I guess I was too,” he admitted. “Your brother…” Declan started to say. “Your brother was a fucking saint. He was there for every treatment, every appointment.”
Ren’s insides tightened at the mention of Dom and a flicker of guilt went through him. He’d spent these past few weeks so focused on himself that he hadn’t given much consideration to what Vin and Dom had been going through in the past year. Or how his decision might have added to their already heavy burdens.
“Last year when she told me she wasn’t feeling well I made an excuse for why I couldn’t go with her and Dom to the doctor. Truth was I was too much of a fucking coward to face the truth.” Declan reached his hand up to rub at his eyes. “But when she told me she wasn’t going to beat it this time around…wasn’t going to even try…I lost it. I yelled at her. I begged her. I even gave her the silent treatment like some bratty little kid who doesn’t get his way. But she forgave me of course, and I was there at the end.”
Ren could feel the man’s pain washing off him in waves and the helplessness that Ren felt was overwhelming. So he did the only thing he could think of and closed his hand over Declan’s shoulder. He could feel the tremors running through Declan’s body as he fought to get himself under control. Ren let his hand coast across Declan’s shoulder blade before running it up and down the middle of his back. Declan dropped his hand but kept his gaze focused on the still waters of the lake. It wasn’t until he glanced at Ren that Ren felt something other than sadness shimmer through his own body. Something he couldn’t put his finger on. Something that should have had him drawing his hand back, not leaving it where it rested against the powerful muscles that rippled beneath Declan’s shirt.
“Looks like you’re getting a nibble,” he heard Declan say but the actual words didn’t register as Ren’s eyes fell on Declan’s mouth as he spoke. His lips were full and looked smoother than Ren would have guessed a man’s lips to be. And he had the slightest dimple in his chin…
“Ren, you’ve got one,” Declan said though he didn’t yell it. Because he didn’t want to scare him.
“Ren,” Declan said again and Ren felt his stomach flip-flop when Declan’s hand closed gently over his on the fishing pole. What the hell was wrong with him?
“Ren,” Declan said a third time and his voice was loud enough to jolt Ren from his wayward thoughts. And when he felt the pole jerk in his hand, reality returned and he instinctively reached for the reel.
“I’ve got one,” he said stupidly as the top of the pole bent.
“Sure do,” Declan said with a chuckle. “Reel her in – let’s see if she’s a fighter.”
***
Jagger stepped back from where he’d been watching Ren and Declan and leaned against a tree. He could still hear them talking excitedly about the fish Ren was trying to reel in but Jagger’s mind was swirling with too many thoughts to keep track of everything at once so he tuned them out. He’d awoken about ten minutes ago to an empty cabin and a small piece of paper taped to his bedroom door. It had been a crude, hand-drawn map showing directions on how to get to the lake. There hadn’t been any other information except for the words ‘Join Us´ written in large, neat penmanship. He’d wondered if that was the way Declan always wrote or if he’d made the letters big and precise to ensure that Jagger could read them. It hadn’t mattered – he struggled as he always did - but it was easy enough to type the letters into his phone and let an app read the words back to him. He was just glad as hell that Declan had been thoughtful enough to draw a map instead of writing the directions out.
When he’d reached the lake, the first thing that surprised him was the fact that Ren hadn’t heard him coming. From what Jagger had been able to tell, Ren hadn’t even been scanning his surroundings like he usually did. His first thought was that maybe Ren just felt more comfortable with Declan but it hadn’t taken more than a minute of listening to Declan talk before Jagger realized the truth. Ren was just too engrossed in Declan’s words and the immense pain behind them to focus on anything else. And hearing Declan talk about his sister had done the same exact thing to Jagger.
As Declan’s voice had grown raspier with emotion, Jagger wished like hell he was sitting on the other side of the man…he wished his hand had joined Ren’s in trying to offer silent comfort. And part of him had even wished he hadn’t heard any of it because it meant acknowledging that Declan might not be the man Jagger had pegged him to be. It was bad enough that the kiss they’d shared was still fucking with Jagger’s head – now he had to process this new information and try to understand what it meant.
It was at the point that Declan had finished his story that Jagger had decided to make his presence known but then he’d seen two things that had stopped him in his tracks. The first had been the way Declan had looked at Ren in that brief moment after Ren had touched him and the way Ren had looked at Declan. Not only was Jagger now one hundred percent certain that Declan was gay, he was almost just as certain that Declan was in love with the younger man. And Ren…
The confused look that had passed over Ren’s expression had been the second thing Jagger had noticed and he knew the look had had nothing to do with trying to figure out how to comfort someone and everything to do with coming to terms with some new realization. Declan hadn’t seemed to notice but Jagger hadn’t missed it. He couldn’t have since it was
the same thing he was going through whenever he looked at either man. Wanting more but not knowing exactly what ‘more’ meant.
Before he could dwell on the discovery for too long, he heard it - they were laughing. Not just one of them either. Jagger couldn’t see them from his position but the deep rolling chuckles and the slightly higher pitched laughs tugged at something deep inside of him and he was both happy and sad at the same time. He waited for the laughter to die down and then pushed away from the tree.
“You guys out here?” he shouted to make sure they heard him coming.
“Yeah, over here!” he heard Declan say. Jagger forced a smile to his lips as he cleared the tree line. Both men greeted him with brief smiles but whatever closeness had been between the two seemed to have dissipated with his presence. As he made his way down towards them, he realized he should have just left them alone and returned to the cabin but he’d selfishly wanted to be a part of the moment they’d been sharing. But from the awkwardness that suddenly stifled the air around them, they clearly didn’t want to share that moment with him.
***
“You sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?” Ren asked as he leaned against the doorframe and watched Jagger load the few items he had into a small black bag.
“No, I need to get back and check in on things. Get some fresh clothes.”
Ren didn’t say that another hour wouldn’t change any of that because there was something off with the man. He was sullen and withdrawn and had been since he’d joined them at the lake. They hadn’t lingered after Ren had managed to reel in the fish and ultimately convinced Declan they should release it. The walk back to the cabin had been made primarily in silence and Ren had found himself surprisingly comfortable between the two men – like nothing could touch him with Declan leading the way and Jagger at his back. The trek had given him time to think about the feelings that had churned through him after his conversation with Declan but by the time they’d reached the cabin, he’d been no closer to understanding what was going on inside of him. As best he could figure, his mind and body were just trying to adjust to being around two people who were giving him the time and security he needed to try to get his head on straight. It was nothing more than that.
So why did Jagger leaving like this bother him so much? Why did he miss the easy going grin and the rich, deep voice that talked about anything and everything just so Ren wouldn’t get lost in his own head? Why did the lack of interaction beyond common courtesy between Jagger and Declan irritate him?
“Are you going to see Dom and Vin?” Ren asked. He didn’t miss the slight tensing in Jagger’s shoulders as he zipped up his bag.
“Probably. I need to check in and see if they have any jobs coming up for me.”
Right. Life hadn’t stopped just because Ren couldn’t get a grip on his.
“I won’t tell them about you,” Jagger said as he snagged the bag off the bed.
“I know,” Ren responded. And he did. Somewhere along the way he’d grown to trust this man like he did Declan. It still didn’t make complete sense to him why they’d go through so much trouble to help him but he wasn’t foolish enough to throw away the opportunity. The words of both men had been haunting him since the day they’d pointed out how dangerous he really was. He hadn’t believed it at first – he’d been under the naïve assumption that he could control his fear. But then he’d seen the bullet holes in the cabin walls and he’d heard the truth in Declan’s voice when he’d told Ren that he’d almost taken Jagger’s life. As much as he wished he could deny it, Ren knew that he was sick and that the fear, pain and guilt that had consumed him since the day he lost his team had turned into something dark and cruel that lived inside of him and that would lash out whenever he felt threatened or exposed. He’d proven that when he went after Mia…
Ren realized he must have gotten lost in himself for a moment because Jagger’s hand closed over his shoulder. It was something he did often to bring Ren back but he doubted Jagger knew that his touch always left something behind. Something that was as overwhelming as it was comforting.
“I’ll be back in a few days.”
Ren nodded but didn’t move as Jagger brushed past him. It took everything in Ren not to shift his body so there’d be more contact between them – so he could feel that soft warmth flow through him whenever Jagger’s skin came into contact with his.
As he watched Jagger disappear into the kitchen, he heard a few brief words exchanged and then the front door was opening and closing. He couldn’t make sense of the relationship between Jagger and Declan – they barely spoke and seemed to avoid spending too much time together in one room. But every once in a while Ren would catch them sharing a look between them that made Ren’s gut churn with some kind of strange anticipation. Like he was witnessing something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on but that he was afraid he would miss if he looked away even for a second.
God, he really was a fucking mess. The whole point of this arrangement had been so that he could start working things out in his head but even in those rare moments where the fear and panic inside of him eased, what he was left with was a mess of emotions he had no idea how to deal with. And they had nothing to do with the hell he’d been through in the last year.
“Ren?” Declan called.
“Be right there,” he said. “Just gotta wash up.”
Ren went to the bathroom attached to his room and splashed some cold water on his face. He grabbed a towel from the rack and ran it over his face but paused when he saw his reflection staring back at him in the mirror. His hair was slowly starting to grow back and cover the scars on his head where he’d been struck repeatedly with the butts of several guns. He’d always been amazed that his captors had tempered their blows enough to keep from killing him. The scars on his face would eventually start to fade but he knew they’d never disappear entirely. For some reason the men who’d tortured him hadn’t shredded his face with the box cutters like they could have. Maybe so that he’d still be recognizable for the countless pictures they’d taken of him. But the pictures had been worthless since they’d never managed to get his name out of him. It was the one thing he’d been able to hold on to.
“Ren?”
Ren turned to see Declan watching him with concern. He forced himself to finish drying his face and put the towel away. Declan’s sharp eyes never seemed to miss anything so Ren pasted a smile to his lips and hoped to hell it reached his eyes because he didn’t want the questions that he knew would someday come – the questions about what exactly had happened down in that hole and why he’d been the only one to walk out alive.
“Dinner ready?” Ren asked lightly but when he made a move to leave the bathroom, Declan stepped in his path.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Declan said softly.
God, how he wished that were true. But no man, not even one as kind hearted as Declan Hale, would be able to offer Ren forgiveness for the things he’d done. And the idea of Declan looking upon him with judgement…recrimination. No.
“I’m really hungry, Declan,” Ren lied. The pain in his gut had nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with the man standing in front of him.
“Okay,” Declan said as he stepped aside. “Just remember we could have been having fish tonight.”
Ren had no idea if he managed a smile or not but from the worried look in Declan’s eyes, he suspected it wouldn’t have mattered either way.
***
Any guilt Declan had felt in not telling Ren about Rafe’s return disappeared as he watched Ren pick at his food. It had been foolish to hope that the brief, fun moment they’d shared down at the lake as Ren had reeled his catch in would have been indicative of some kind of miraculous recovery on Ren’s part. But seeing the old Ren, the one with the infectious laugh and bright smile - even for the briefest of moments - had given Declan hope that the man he’d fallen in love with so long ago was still in there. Not that it would change anything for Decla
n either way because the feelings that had plagued Declan for years hadn’t waivered. If anything, they grew stronger the more time he spent with Ren. And if that wasn’t confusing enough, fate had decided to be the cruel bitch that it was and throw Jagger into the mix.
In the hours it had taken to drive to the cabin from Seattle the morning after Rafe’s stunning appearance and admission, Declan’s main thought had been to get to Jagger. Get to Jagger because he’ll know how to handle this. He’ll know if not telling Ren is the best way to go. He’ll be there to lean on…to draw strength from.
And damn if Declan hadn’t been right. Just seeing Jagger stride from the cabin towards him had had Declan wishing he could wrap his arms around Jagger and cry. Cry for Rafe and what had happened to him. Cry for Vin and Dom and the hell that was just starting for them. Cry for Ren and the truth he would need to someday face.
Although Declan had been too much of a coward to actually seek the comfort of Jagger’s hold, Jagger had done what Declan needed him to do anyway. The powerful hand closing around his arm had done what no words could have. But everything had changed again when Jagger had tried to talk to him about that kiss. That one amazing, too brief kiss. What he wouldn’t have done to give in to Jagger’s hold on his waist, to feel his big hand sliding farther across his thigh to his aching flesh. To claim Jagger’s mouth and take his time exploring every surface and drinking in his sweet taste.
“What do you know about Mia?”
Declan glanced up from the food he’d been moving around on his plate and saw Ren watching him. He was surprised at the question since Ren hadn’t shown any interest in Vin’s girlfriend since the day Ren had shot her stalker. Even when he’d had the opportunity to talk to Mia in person after the incident, Ren had gotten agitated and shut down when she’d attempted to convince him to return home.
“She’s an incredibly strong woman. I think she’s really good for your brother.”
Ren continued to pick at his food but didn’t put any into his mouth.
Saving Ren (Barretti Security Series, Book 3) Page 7
