Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “Yeah, yeah,” Jared grumbled.

  “Ooo what did I miss?” Sarah entered the room, fresh from the bath and dressed in her nighty and robe, no doubt wondering what we were finding so amusing.

  “Just Jared,” I said. “You’ll understand when you get to know him. Sarah this is Rachel,” I introduced, climbing off her knee and keeping my hand on her shoulder. “And that’s Jared.”

  In true Sarah fashion, she walked over and bent down to give Rachel a kiss on the cheek. Rachel smiled awkwardly. She’s never been good at dealing with affection from strangers. Then she made her way over to Jared and did the same.

  “Nice to meet you, sugar.”

  With the introductions out of the way, Sarah went into the kitchen to make drinks for everyone and we all settled ourselves down on the furniture. Dexter sprawled himself across the armchair with his legs dangling over the side, Jared sat down on the plush beanbag in the corner and Rachel and I took the sofa. We chatted, we laughed, we took the mick out of Jared… everything seemed bizarrely normal.

  “You smell great – less stale tobacco and more Charlie Red,” I noted with a teasing smile as I snuggled into Rachel, just after Sarah went up to bed. That was definitely a positive side of Rachel’s pregnancy. I’d wanted her to give up smoking forever.

  “I’m a reformed girl,” she joked back.

  “About time,” Dexter piped up. “That shit’s bad for you.”

  “Are you fucking with me, American?” she shot back. “You’ve just got out of rehab for cocaine addiction and you’re giving me shit about smoking?”

  “Oh how I’ve missed your smart mouth, Snickers.”

  This was… perfect. My whole world had come together in just a couple of short hours. All four friends, now two sets of lovers - together again, making fun of each other, laughing with each other… loving each other.

  “I’ve missed this so badly,” I announced to the room.

  Rachel squeezed my hand, Dexter nodded and Jared smiled that cute impish grin of his.

  “We should get going soon,” Rachel said on a sigh, making me sigh too. I didn’t want her to leave. Ever.

  “Go where?” I asked. I didn’t think to ask where they were staying when she arrived.

  “We’re staying at that new Premier Inn near the cinema.”

  “You should stay here. Sarah won’t mind, I know she won’t.”

  “This house isn’t really wheelchair friendly,” she admitted with a slight frown and I knew that would have been difficult for her to say. “I’d be more comfortable in a hotel.”

  “Besides,” Jared interrupted. “Rachel’s a screamer. I wouldn’t want her keeping your aunty up all night.”

  “Shut it, Jaz, or the only attention your ding-a-ling will be getting tonight will be from Rosie Palm and her five sisters.”

  “Um… ding-a-ling?” Dexter repeated.

  “Oh yeah. Apparently that’s an acceptable name for cocks these days. Cock and pussy is so last year. Ding-a-lings and tulips are the way forward.” The smile on her face meant she was obviously teasing, and from the wink she gave Jared I assumed it was aimed his way.

  “For babies! I won’t refer to my daughter’s… area… as a pussy. Jesus… why don’t you just take an ad out in the local newspaper announcing what a moron I am, seeing as that’s what you obviously think?”

  “You’re having girls?” I squealed.

  “We don’t know yet,” Rachel answered, calming the sudden flutter in my chest. “You’ll be the first to know when we do.”

  “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mum, Rach. A mum! Are you scared?”

  “Absolutely fucking petrified. But so excited at the same time. I can feel them moving. It’s the weirdest, most amazing feeling. I love them so much already.”

  “You look so happy,” I said genuinely. She really did. There was a subtle glow to her skin, a fullness to her cheeks… and her eyes literally grew brighter when she looked over at Jared. “You two are so cute together.”

  “I really love him, Em,” she whispered in my ear, leaning over so Jared couldn’t hear. He was engrossed in a conversation with Dexter so I don’t think he even noticed we were taking about him. “He treats me so well and says the loveliest things to me. We’ve got so much to catch up on and I can’t wait to tell you everything.”

  “And I can’t wait to hear it.”

  “You ready, saffy?” Jared called over, standing from his chair.

  “Saffy?”

  “Apparently I’m bitter with a sweet aftertaste,” Rachel explained, rolling her eyes.

  “Aw that’s kind of sweet!” Who knew goofy Jared could be so lovely? “How long are you staying?” My heart sank a little while I waited for her answer. Please stay a while…

  “A week or so.” I instantly felt better. “I need to go and see my mum and dad a few times while I’m up here. You should come.”

  “You don’t even have to ask. I’d love to see them.” Let’s face it, they were better parents to me than my own.

  “Are you heading back to Chris’ now?”

  “No, we might as well stay here tonight. Sarah has a spare room. Come on, I’ll see you guys out to the car.”

  “Oh, um, we came on the train,” Jared said quietly.

  “What? You left your baby all alone?” I teased. Jared loved his BMW like a tiny human – they went everywhere together.

  “Long story,” he muttered and then looked to the floor. I didn’t pry in front of him, but I could tell something was wrong and I planned to ask Rachel for every detail next time we were alone.

  So seeing as Jared wasn’t driving, I called a local taxi company and asked them to send a minibus. Sure Rachel can get into a normal car, but it’s just less hassle if she can wheel straight into the back. We only had to wait five minutes before the horn sounded outside. After another round of hugs and smiles, Rachel and Jared left and after closing the door I walked straight to the sofa and flopped backwards into the soft cushions.

  Wow. Dexter was right. Life is perfect.

  Chapter Three

  Dexter

  I woke up with Emily’s head on my bare chest and my arm snaked under her shoulders. I’ll never get tired of that feeling, and I’ll never stop thanking my lucky stars every single day that I didn’t completely blow our future together. She was still sleeping and I didn’t wake her. Instead I just twirled her soft red curls around my finger and watched her eyes flicker in her sleep. Christ, she’s beautiful, and I’m pretty sure she has no freakin’ idea.

  I could hear Aunt Sarah in the bathroom and I silently cursed that we were in this tiny house. The fact it’s so small you can hear the guy next door farting is the reason Emily denied me any pussy action last night. It was making me irritable - especially right then, when lying naked next to her with her soft tits pressed into my side, gave me a hard on so stinking huge I wouldn’t be able to walk without looking like I’d shit my pants, and yet I couldn’t do a thing about it.

  Ugh, seriously. I could smell her, feel her… and when she shifted slightly, draping her arm over my cock I was fucking drooling for her.

  “Morning,” she half spoke, half yawned into my chest.

  “Mornin’, doll,” I repeated, guiding her hand down over my cock. “Percy’s missing you.”

  Holy fuck…

  Wrapping her fingers around my shaft, she started pumping her fist up and down. Fast. Hard. Relentless. Then… she stopped.

  “What the fuck?” I complained.

  “Sarah’s in the next room. Percy’s just going to have to wait,” she teased, winking at me before sliding out of bed.

  “Well if my balls explode it’s all your fault.”

  “I’ll take the chance. Now get your lazy bum out of bed. We need to get home and changed for work.”

  “Actually Chris is picking me up here in…” I looked at the small clock on the nightstand. “Shit – about ten minutes!” I leapt off the bed faster than if someone had planted a fi
rework up my ass.

  “Why so early?” Emily asked quizzically.

  “Um,” I muttered, trying to remember what lie Chris told me to tell while scrambling around on the floor for my pants. “Auction. He heard about an auction in Macclesfield last minute. He only told me yesterday and with Snickers and Jared coming, I totally forgot to tell you.”

  “Macclesfield?”

  Shit. Macclesfield is a place right? Dammit, I still haven’t managed to learn all the towns and cities in this country yet, but I could’ve sworn I saw Macclesfield written on an invoice in the garage last week.

  “Sure,” I lied and hoped to fuck I sounded convincing. I hated this. I hated lying to her again. After everything I’d put this amazing girl through I had never felt like such a lowlife agreeing to keep things from her again.

  “Hmm. We usually get leaflets about that kind of stuff posted to the garage. Guess this is a new one… or maybe I just missed it.” Emily shrugged, seeming appeased with my story. A kick to the balls would’ve hurt less than looking into her baby-blue eyes, knowing that she trusted me, yet also knowing I was a lying piece of shit. “So I was thinking,” she continued. “I’m going to talk to my parents this week – like Jeff suggested.”

  “Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Jeff, my therapist back in Ohio, suggested Emily talk with her parents about why they treat her like a piece of shit. I never agreed with it when he suggested it, and I don’t agree with it now. Her parents are assholes – worse than assholes. In fact, the little yellow lumps that swim haphazardly in diarrhea are worth more than them. They don’t deserve Emily and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve them.

  “No,” she answered. “But Jeff was right. I need to do this. I can’t put my life on hold for fear of disappointing them and I need to know if they really do blame me for Livvie’s death. You’ve been with me every night since you left rehab and I haven’t had a single nightmare. It’s because what Jeff said made sense, and I think he’s already helped me make my peace with things. Now I just need to find out if my parents can do the same.”

  Instinctively I pulled Emily into me and kissed the top of her head before inhaling deeply and absorbing the strawberry scent.

  “You want me to come with you?” I asked, because I didn’t want her going alone. No fucking way.

  “I’m not sure,” she shrugged. Just as I was about to reply a horn sounded outside.

  “Shit,” I muttered, sighing heavily. “That’ll be Chris. We’ll pick this up later though, yeah?”

  “Sure. Enjoy the auction.” Fuck. There was that damn guilt again, stabbing into my heart like a red-hot poker. Cupping her small face in my hands, I briefly touched my lips to hers and swept my tongue across the soft flesh.

  “Won’t be long, doll. Don’t ever forget that I love you.”

  “Love you too. You know that.”

  Winking at her, I plucked my leather jacket from the back of the dressing chair, and headed out to meet Chris.

  **********

  “Hey,” I greeted solemnly as I slid into his truck.

  “Mornin’.”

  So, that was the extent of our entire conversation until we reached the hospital and were seated in the waiting area of the oncology department.

  “What’s the point of today’s appointment?” I asked nervously, hoping he wasn’t going to tell me today was the day he found out how long he had left. Selfishly, I was so not fucking ready to deal with that kind of shit.

  “I’m here to discuss the results of my latest scan,” was all he said.

  “How long have you known about this, man?”

  “Couple of months for sure, but I knew they suspected it a few weeks before that.”

  “How the fuck have you dealt with this alone?”

  “I had to, Dex. I couldn’t put this on Emmie with everything she had going on.” Wow. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel like any more of a selfish bastard… “And I wouldn’t anyway until I knew what I was dealing with.”

  “Christopher Barton?” A woman dressed in a smart pinstripe suit with a lanyard hanging from her neck called as she scanned the waiting area. Chris stood up, and instinctively I did the same. “Doctor Merrigold will see you now,” she said with a smile that screamed pity. Chris nodded and began his approach to the door she pointed to.

  “Should I, um…wait here?” I stuttered, hovering pathetically and not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

  “I, erm…” Chris’ eyes swept the floor as he struggled to drag in a deep breath. “I wouldn’t say no to the support right now,” he admitted. “You know, seeing as you’re here anyway,” he shrugged, trying to play down the fear he was no doubt drowning in.

  “Sure, man,” I barely whispered. With a brief nod, I followed Chris inside the doctor’s office and sat down next to him on one of the padded blue chairs in front of a desk filled with files, stationary and a computer.

  “Okay, Christopher,” the doctor began, sliding into his chair and nudging his glasses up over the bridge of his nose with a pointed finger. “So as you know we’re here to discuss the results of last week’s scan.” The doctor continued to thumb the pages of the brown file in front of him and then started tapping random keys on his computer.

  From the corner of my eye I could see Chris’ knees knocking themselves together in a tireless, even rhythm. His hands were clamped together so tightly on his lap his knuckles had turned white and his breathing rate had quickened.

  Removing his glasses, the doctor folded them in his hand and looked up at Chris. His expression said it all. The twitch of his lips, the deep sigh he exhaled, and the slowness of his arm as he reached out to place his glasses on the desk. This was going to be brutal…

  “The tumor has grown.” And there it was. Four little words that would essentially shatter Chris’ whole universe. “The scan showed-”

  “How long have I got?” Chris interrupted impatiently.

  “There are a number of factors we-”

  “How long?” he practically growled this time.

  “With treatment? Eight to ten months, possibly more.”

  Fucking hell…

  “And without?”

  “Two. Maybe less.”

  Either way, he had just confirmed that Chris, the man sitting next to me, the man who has become one of my closest friends and biggest supporters, the brother of the woman I love more than my own life… will be dead this time next year. How the fuck are you supposed to process something like that?

  “When do I start treatment?” Chris asked resolutely, raising his chin.

  “First we need to talk through all your options, and then we’ll decide which course is best for you.”

  “Okay,” Chris nodded. “Let’s talk.”

  **********

  It’s weird how the urge to have a drink can creep on you when you least expect it. Walking back to Chris’ van, that’s all I could think about – how just one drink would take the edge of this sickening ache in my stomach. But hey, don’t worry – I don’t plan on going down that torturous fucking road again. That doesn’t mean the urge won’t always be there though. Jeff told me as much back in Ohio.

  Besides, I had a fucking nerve to feel the way I did. When all this shit was over… I would still be alive. Chris wouldn’t.

  Fuck.

  “You okay, man?” I asked tentatively once we were settled in the truck.

  “On top of the fuckin’ world, mate,” he replied with sarcastic enthusiasm before ripping through his hair with his fingers. I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say, or at least nothing that I could think of. “ARGH!” he bellowed, making me shift back in my seat. My eyes blinked and I winced when he brought both his hands down on the steering wheel with crashing force. Then he did it again, only this time he rammed the heel of his palm into the dash. “FUCK!”

  “Chris…” I began, but then realized I had absolutely nothing to say.

  “I just… This is just so fucking unfair.” There
was a slight tremor in his voice – a weakness… a vulnerability.

  “No it’s not. None of this is fair,” I agreed. Guilt and regret simmered in my stomach. Not so long ago I welcomed the idea of no longer existing, and now I had to console a man who was getting his existence taken from him whether he wanted it or not. “Are you ready to tell Emily?” I hated asking, but as much as I wanted to give him the time to process what he’d just heard… I couldn’t lie to Emily any longer. It was eating me alive already.

  “No. How the fuck am I supposed to tell her this?”

  “I don’t know, man.” I wish I did. “I’ll be there if you want? Or if you want me to go out for a couple of hours I can do that too.”

  “My guess is she’s going to need you.”

  I nodded. Maybe he was right, or maybe she’d want me to get the hell away from her when she figured out that I’d known since yesterday.

  “Want me to drive?” I asked. Chris was in the driver’s seat but from the way his hands were shaking I didn’t think he was in a fit state to drive.

  “You’re not insured yet.”

  “Good thing I’m not planning to crash then, huh?”

  Chris shrugged, opened his door and jumped out the van. I did the same, passing him briefly but never making eye contact as we made our way to each other’s seats.

  “Ready?” I asked, slipping the key into the ignition.

  “Guess so,” he barely whispered. Then he flopped his head back onto the headrest and let out a heavy sigh. As I pulled out of the lot my heart climbed up into my chest. The next couple of hours were going to be intense.

  Chapter Four

  Emily

  After being at the garage all morning I came home for lunch. There’s no way I will ever eat in that place, surrounded by grease and grime. I worked extra hard today, stamping all the paid invoices and getting the unpaid ones ready to mail. I also booked in three services and an oil change for later in the week and started looking into how to make a website for the place. I had a couple more loose ends to tie up after lunch and then I should be ready to take a day off tomorrow to spend with Rachel and her parents. We were meeting up tonight too, just the two of us. I didn’t know what Jared planned to do with himself but selfishly I didn’t care. I was desperate to spend alone time with my best friend.