Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  The idea of never getting that hug stung a little more than I thought it would, but I agreed with her. Too much had passed between us, too much bitterness and resentment, to ever form a functional relationship. Besides, she is not my mother, and now we both know that. Moving on is the best option for both of us. Moving on with no animosity on either side, is perfect.

  “I appreciate you coming, Jocelyn,” I added, forcing her name out on my tongue. “I’m sorry Chris and I couldn’t be the children you wanted.”

  “You were wonderful children,” she admitted with a sigh. “You just weren’t my children.” I closed my eyes and nodded. She hoped I’d understand, and to an extent, I did. I saw the point she was making, but I couldn’t sympathise with it. There will always be room in my heart to love others whether they are bound by blood or not. Maybe, as Chris once told me, that’s a trait I got from my real mother. “Goodbye, Emily.”

  “Goodbye, Jocelyn.”

  And that was the last time I would probably ever see her. I’d spent my whole life trying to please her, trying to make her proud, trying to get her to love me. And now? Now I felt free.

  Turning my back on Jocelyn, I walked slowly back over to Chris’ grave. The priest was gone and people were chattering between themselves. Guess I must’ve missed the big finale, but I knew Chris wouldn’t mind.

  “Everything okay?” Dexter asked, snaking an arm around my waist.

  “Yeah,” I said, smiling a little. “Everything’s going to be just fine.”

  Dexter smiled, seeming appeased. I would fill him in properly later when we were alone. But first I had to get through the wake. There is a small pub near our house that Chris used to visit frequently before he got sick, so my dad hired out a section of it for today. He was putting on a free bar and buffet so I was sure a fair few people would attend.

  “Um, guys?” Rachel said nervously, looking up at us with squinting eyes. “I’m sorry to ruin all the funeral fun, but… my waters broke about fifteen minutes ago.”

  “WHAT!” I yelled. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Oh God, oh God,” Jared chanted in the background, hovering around Rachel like she was going to explode. “Right, okay. Oh God. Okay, we’ve got this. Oh God I don’t know what to do.”

  “How about shutting the fuck up!” Rachel snapped.

  “Dex, get Sarah,” I ordered. He saluted me and went straight off to find her. Kneeling down on the damp grass, I put my hands on Rachel’s knees. “Are you in any pain?”

  “Yes,” she muttered, wincing. “I’ve been getting these cramps on and off all day.”

  “Why didn’t you say something, Rach?” I asked, calmly this time.

  “Because you were getting ready to bury your brother. I thought I could hold out a little longer but… AH, FUCK!” She clutched her belly. “I can’t.”

  “Oh thank God,” Jared said, still pacing back and forth and alerting us to the fact Sarah had arrived. She scurried over to us and squatted down beside me.

  “So, your waters have broken?” Sarah asked in that comforting voice most nurses seem to have.

  “I think so,” Rachel replied. “Actually I know so. I’ve never taken a piss that big before in my life. It has to be my waters.”

  “Okay, honey. Let’s get you back to my house and I’ll examine you while we wait for an ambulance to arrive.”

  “But it’s too early,” Jared flustered. “They’re not due for another three weeks.” The panic in Jared’s face only confirmed how much he adored Rachel and his two daughters.

  “That’s not uncommon with twins,” Sarah assured. “They run out of room a lot faster than a single baby.”

  “Shit, we came in processional cars,” Dexter remembered.

  “My house is only across the street. It will probably be more comfortable for Rachel if she doesn’t have to haul herself in and out of a car for a journey that would only take a minute. You guys take her back to the house. I’ll be right behind you once I’ve told Derek what’s happening.”

  Jared was already speeding off with Rachel by the time Sarah had finished talking. As me and Dexter caught up, running behind them, I found myself being grateful of the fact I’d chosen to wear my black ballerina pumps today. Sarah’s house really is close to the church, and although I didn’t time us, it couldn’t have taken more than a couple of minutes to reach her house. Dexter stepped past an uncomfortable looking Rachel and a terrified Jared, and opened the front door with his spare key.

  “Oh my Goooooooood! It’s getting so much worse,” Rachel cried.

  “Um…” Jared pondered, chewing on his lip and scratching his head. It was kind of adorable. He was so nervous. “Breathe!” he practically sang, as if he’d just had a light bulb spring on in his head. “Yes, breathe. That’s supposed to help, right?”

  “Of course I’m breathing, you dickhead!” Rachel snapped, baring her teeth at him like a feral animal. Jared tapped his foot nervously while his hand stuttered over Rachel’s shoulder. He so obviously wanted to touch her, soothe her… but he was clearly also worried he would get a punch in the face if he did.

  “Jared, why don’t you move the coffee table out of the way and we’ll make some room on the floor so she can get comfortable?” I suggested. He nodded eagerly, pleased to have something to do. “Dex, you go and fetch a quilt and some pillows from upstairs.”

  “She has waterproof sheets too. I’ve seen them in the cupboard where she keeps her kit.”

  “Good. Get those too.”

  I looked behind me at the sound of the door opening. Sarah came barrelling through and went straight into midwife mode.

  “I’ll just grab my kit from upstairs,” she said.

  She was back down within a minute carrying a large blue bag. Dexter followed behind her carrying plastic sheets and a duvet and he spread them out across the floor, making a makeshift bed.

  “Okay, honey I need you to lie down on the floor for me and take your pants off.”

  “I’m on it,” Jared said, scooping Rachel up from her chair. She clung to him with her arms around his neck, her face scrunched up in pain.

  “Fuck it hurts. I didn’t think it’d get so bad so quickly.”

  “How often are you getting the pains?” Sarah asked while she sanitised her hands and pulled on some clear gloves from her case.

  “I don’t know. It seems like it only just stops and then…oh my GOD!” she broke off, panting through the pain. “And then it comes again!”

  “Should I call an ambulance?” Jared asked, his face crumpling with worry and panic.

  “I already did, honey. It won’t be rushing because she’s only in early labour.”

  Once Rachel had slithered free from her wet leggings, Sarah positioned herself on the floor in front of her.

  “Okay, honey, I’m going to examine you now. Is that okay?” Biting her lip, Rachel nodded and using her hands to grip her legs, she spread her knees apart. With one hand on Rachel’s belly and one hand… down there, Sarah examined Rachel. She shook her head as she pulled her hand free and then smiled at Rachel.

  “I don’t think we have time to wait for that ambulance,” she announced. “You’re already eight centimetres dilated.”

  “Oh God that means they’re nearly here, right?” Jared questioned, panic making his voice falter. “It said so in the book. Ten centimetres, yes? That’s when they’re coming? Oh God, Rach, they’re coming. You’re having our babies!”

  “Don’t you think I KNOW that, you DICKHOLE?”

  Jared knelt down beside her, making sure to keep a slight distance. It was hard not to feel sorry for the poor guy. He was nervous, excited, worried about the pain Rachel was in and he didn’t know what to do.

  “ARRRRGGGGGH!!! JESUS CHRIST! Oh please, please get them out!”

  “You’re doing really well, Rachel. Won’t be long now, honey,” Sarah soothed. She started taking things out of her bag and setting them out on one of the waterproof sheets before looking to Dext
er. “Dex honey, can you call 999 and tell them to hurry with that ambulance?” Dexter nodded and pulled his mobile from his pocket.

  “Why?” Jared urged, his eyes widening in alarm. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong. So far everything is going just fine. It’s just a precaution. Rachel is experiencing a fast labour and sometimes that can distress the baby – or babies in your case. I think these little girls will be here very soon and both Rachel and your daughters will need a check up at the hospital.”

  “Daughters,” Jared repeated, his face paling. “Oh my God I’m having daughters. I’m going to be a daddy!”

  “Oh PLEEEEEEEASE! Please help me! I can’t take it any more!” Rachel cried, scrunching her face up in pain and fisting the quilt underneath her. “They’re coming out! I know they are! I need to….ARRRRRGHHHH I need to push!”

  “Okay try and breathe for me, Rachel. I need to examine you again. Don’t push until I say so.”

  “I CAN’T FUCKING STOP IT!”

  “Saffy baby, it’s okay,” Jared tried to assure before making the mistake of stroking her back.

  “DON”T TOUCH ME, ARSEHOLE!”

  Sarah gave Jared a reassuring smile – a smile that said Rachel’s behaviour is perfectly normal and that he shouldn’t feel bad or worry. My arms ached to wrap themselves around Rachel. Her face was beaming red, she was covered in sweat and her cries were shrill and desperate. But hell if I was going to risk being punched in the face by the monster within her.

  Dexter whispered to me that the ambulance was on its way, and I nodded in acknowledgement and took hold of his hand. This had to be one of the most exciting yet nerve-wracking experiences of my life. It was hard to comprehend the fact that very soon, there would be two tiny humans in this room.

  “Okay, honey,” Sarah began, pulling her fingers free from Rachel’s… area. “You’re ten centimetres already. Next time you feel a pain coming, I need you to push right down into your bottom for me. You’re going to have to try really hard because you don’t have the strength in your legs to support you.”

  Biting her lip, Rachel nodded fervently. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her body started to shake.

  “She’s shaking,” Jared noted. “Why’s she shaking? Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal reaction, especially for a woman experiencing such a fast labour. Her body’s going through a lot right now and it’s probably just struggling to adapt so quickly.”

  “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!” Rachel screamed. Sarah put her hand on Rachel’s belly and nodded to herself.

  “I need you to push down for me now, Rachel.”

  “I’m trying,” she whimpered. “Oh please get them out!”

  “Try a little harder for me. Come on, honey. You can do this.”

  Rachel sucked in a deep breath and held it there while she pushed. Her face was so red it looked like it was going to explode and her entire body went rigid. Jared took hold of her hand and for the first time, she didn’t look at him like she wanted to maim him. I did catch him wince however, when Rachel started to push again and squeezed his hand until her knuckles turned white.

  “You’re doing great, Rach,” Jared said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m so proud of you.”

  She tipped her head back, ignoring him completely as she welcomed the few seconds break from the pain. We all knew when the next contraction came, because again she tensed up and let out a deep animalistic growl.

  “That’s it!” Sarah beamed. “Just like that. Keep going for me, Rachel. Baby number one is crowning!”

  Rachel continued to push and pant, tip her head back, cry… and then repeat the process. She did this several times until all of a sudden… an actual tiny human head popped out of her. Throwing my hand over my mouth, I gasped. Tears leaked from my eyes and I dropped to my knees to get a better look at the beautiful, scrunched up little face sticking out of Rachel’s body.

  “I don’t feel too good,” Jared said faintly when he braved a look at what was going on down below. I’ve never feared for another human being’s life as much as I feared for Jared’s in that moment. Rachel’s eyes widened and she glared at him as if she was trying to kill him with just a look.

  “YOU don’t feel too good?” Rachel snapped. “YOU DON’T FEEL TOO FUCKING GOOD? How about you drop your kecks while I try and blow two GIANT FUCKING MELONS through your jap’s eye and THEN we’ll see how FUCKING GOOD YOU FEEL!”

  In Jared’s defence, he had literally turned a pale shade of green. I saw him gulp, as if he was trying to swallow his nausea back down, and then he shuffled closer to Rachel’s head – as far away as he could from the business end. Smiling up at Dexter, I noticed him watching the scene unfolding in front of him curiously. His eyes were fixed on the snot and grime-covered baby’s head and I swear I saw a tear glisten in the corner of his eye. It made my heart melt into a gooey puddle of mush.

  “On the next one we should have baby number one,” Sarah said, encouraging Rachel. “You’re doing amazing, Rachel. Keep going.”

  A knock at the door made me look behind me. It seemed Dexter was the only other person who heard it because he was already heading to open it. It was the ambulance crew – one female and one male paramedic. Sarah glanced over to them and briefly filled them in. She told them there was no time to get her to hospital right away but they should stay here on standby just in case. In case what? I could only assume she meant if something went wrong.

  “This is it, honey.” Sarah put one hand under the baby’s head and pressed down on Rachel’s belly with the other. It was amazing, yet also quite weird, that I could actually see her belly contracting as it fought to push the baby out. Every time she cried out, it swelled and looked rock hard, then it would soften again, giving Rachel a few moments to breath. “She’s coming! Keep pushing, Rachel. Hard as you can.”

  “ARRRRRGH!”

  Wow.

  “Oh my God!” I whimpered, throwing both hands over my mouth. Rachel’s baby girl, her daughter, literally slipped from her body in one fluid movement. With a wide smile, Sarah scooped her up and showed her to Rachel and Jared. Then, picking up a clean towel, she gave Baby One a quick rub down, making the tiny girl let out a gurgling cry, before gently placing her on Rachel’s breast.

  “Oh, fuck,” Rachel breathed. Her bottom lip trembled, making her voice crack. “It’s a baby! Jared we’ve got a baby!” She held her daughter close to her chest, never removing her eyes from her. Jared wrapped one arm around Rachel’s back, and then draped the other one across her chest, cuddling their newborn together.

  “She’s so beautiful, Rach. She’s… she’s…” Jared stumbled on his words as silent tears caressed his cheeks. “She’s perfect.”

  “Do you want to cut the cord before I check the position of baby number two, Daddy?” Sarah asked. Jared looked at her like she’d suggested he eat it not cut it.

  “Um… I’ll pass thanks.”

  Laughing at his squeamishness, Sarah used a pair of funny looking scissors to cut the cord near baby’s belly button, then she fixed a little yellow clip to the stump.

  “Rachel, you need to pass Baby to Jared now while we get ready for round two, okay?” Rachel nodded and kissed the top of Baby One’s head. Sarah took her and wrapped her up in a tight little bundle inside a towel and then passed her carefully to Jared. His eyes widened and his back stiffened. He looked to Sarah as if seeking reassurance that he could actually do this.

  “She’s so tiny. What if I drop her?”

  “You’ll hurt her. So don’t,” Rachel interrupted, even though his question was directed at Sarah.

  Another round of examinations began. Sarah needed to check the position of Baby Two and apparently she could do that by feeling Rachel’s belly and doing her fingers up the hoohaa trick. It took another fifteen minutes of screaming, panting and cursing Jared to the depths of hell for Baby Two to be born, but when she was, I think the paramedics in the background were the
only ones with dry eyes.

  “And they’re okay?” Jared asked, never taking his eyes away from his daughters as he snuggled close to Rachel who held them both against her chest.

  “They look perfectly healthy.” Sarah smiled reassuringly and then proceeded to do one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen in my life. With one hand pressing on Rachel’s belly and the other hovering over the loose umbilical cords stick sticking out from Rachel’s body, she told Rachel to relax. “You’re contracting again so I’m going to attempt to remove the placenta. It shouldn’t hurt, but might feel a little uncomfortable.”

  “I don’t care,” Rachel whispered, mesmerised by her babies. And then it happened. Sarah pulled free a mass of blood-covered, vein-filled muscle, and if I said I wasn’t grossed out I would be totally lying.

  “Ugh,” Jared mumbled, wrinkling his nose in disgust as he watched Sarah check it over.

  “You know, they eat that in some countries,” Rachel said seriously. Jared literally heaved and then fixed his eyes back on his babies so he didn’t have to look at the lump of disgustingness anymore. “Em? Do you want to hold one?”

  “Yes!” I breathed, emotion swelling in my throat as I tentatively held out my arms. Putting one hand under Baby Two’s (she was closest) neck and one under her bottom, I eased her over and settled her into the crook of my arm, just above the cast on my forearm.

  “Hello, little baby,” I cooed, stroking my finger along her tiny cheek. I’d never felt anything so soft in my life. “They’re beautiful, you guys.”

  “I know,” Jared agreed. “You were amazing, saffy. Our daughters are perfect. I am the luckiest man in the whole world to have you three beautiful girls. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you so much.”

  After giving Baby Two a little squeeze and a kiss on the top of the head, I gently placed her back in Rachel’s free arm. She was adorable but I was more than a little afraid of breaking her.

  “Oh shit!” Rachel said, as if suddenly remembering something. “We don’t have anything here! All their stuff is still at home!”