The Limits of Vision

by Robert Irwin

  Other titles by Robert Irwin

  published by Overlook

  THE ARABIAN NIGHTMARE

  PRAYER-CUSHIONS OF THE FLESH

  EXQUISITE CORPSE

  NIGHT AND HORSES AND THE DESERT:

  An Anthology of Classical Arabic Literature

  Copyright

  This paperback edition first published in the United States in 2003 by

  The Overlook Press, Peter Mayer Publishers, Inc.

  NEW YORK:

  141 Wooster Street

  New York, NY 10012

  www.overlookpress.com

  Copyright © Robert Irwin, 1986

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper, or broadcast.

  ISBN: 978-1-46830-775-7

  January 10th, 1832. Four days out from Tenerife at 10° 10°12’ west longitude and 40° north latitude when the temperature was 51.5°, the ship was subjected to a remarkable meteorological phenomenon. During the morning, in the space of some ten minutes, the entire deck of the Beagle was deluged with dust and the surface of the sea also, seemingly for a distance of about two hundred yards about our vessel in all directions. Though the dust descended from the sky, the sun was still visible through the pall of dust and, beyond the darkness created by the dust, there were no clouds visible. The descent of the dust was not even and I took pains to observe its passage in its eddies and in the singular patterns it made upon the deck. It is hardly possible to convey the sense of elevated wonder that I experienced as I watched the descent of these particles. However it was rapidly noticed by all that the debris on the deck gave off a sulphurous smell that was anything but heavenly and which added considerably to the distress of those detailed to swab the deck. Indeed until their labours were concluded the whole ship bore a most wretched and unsailorlike aspect and I noticed that the elevation of my spirits gave way to a sense of oppression. The affair was most remarkable and I could not have credited it had I not had ocular demonstration of the same. However I discovered on making enquiry from some of the crew at work on the deck that such visitations are by no means unfamiliar during ocean crossings and the interested reader may find other instances cited in Captain FitzRoy’s account of the matter as it was presented to the Admiralty.

  The opinion earlier expressed by Chamisso in his Tagebuch that such rains of dust may have been collected, conveyed and deposited by whirlwinds should now be discounted for I observed no turbulence in the ship’s rigging that could correspond to the proximity of a whirlwind. With the help of Mr (now Captain) Sullivan, I was able to collect a considerable quantity of this dust, weighing a little over four pounds and, when I returned to England some four years later, I was able to have the dust which had been preserved in flasks subjected to analysis under the microscope. The contents of the flasks were shown to be compounded of a considerable variety of materials. Most striking was the presence of a type of fine silicate grit so far thought to be peculiar to the Great Asian Desert of the Gobi. There was also a considerable amount of organic matter such as fragments of the bodies of cockroaches and other insects of the Blattidae class as well as cobwebs, fungal spores and even particles of dried blood – whether human or animal it was not possible to determine. By far the largest constituent in these flasks was however common dust such as may be found on the floor of any London household. Captain FitzRoy’s suggestion that the dust fall was of volcanic origin, though intelligent, is proved by this analysis to be wide of the mark. The circumstance of common household dust being deposited so far out in the Atlantic is mysterious. Nevertheless it is plainly a manifestation of the material world and partakes of nothing of the supernatural. Here I leave the topic, for we were not subjected to any further manifestations of a similar kind and I was glad to find my interest taking me in other directions.

  The Voyage of the ‘Beagle’, by Charles Darwin (1845)

  Contents

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  CHAPTER ONE

  I rose and went to the mirror. My name is Marcia. As to what I look like and how old I am, it’s all in the mirror. I looked into the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. Flecks of silvery dust and small brown stars doubled the depths of its glass. I scratched tentatively at one of the spots with my nail and the spot disappeared, leaving a thin white plume on the glass like a trail of aircraft vapour. I suppose this was grease from my finger. I dabbed again at the mirror’s surface and the ghostly whiteness spread further. I hardly dare to breathe, enthralled by the ectoplasmic stuff that seems to sprout from my medium’s fingers. Actually I don’t like to breathe on shiny surfaces anyway – it does spoil the shine. I suppose it’s the little grits of dust that stick to the condensation.

  The horrible messy shapes had spread across most of the surface of the mirror before I could succeed in pulling myself together and could resume scratching, this time strictly with my nail. The glass is so smooth. I really don’t know how dust succeeds in clinging to it. It is as if the mirror has a gravitational pull, drawing first the dust, then my face, then the rest of the room into itself. Scratching was no good. I couldn’t get rid of all the dust that way. I try my sleeve, but, as I rub and rub, I see that those brown stars are really rust spots, forever unreachable below the surface of the mirror. As to the dust and the grease, well, surgical spirits would really be the thing. I like using surgical spirits. It’s not just the smell. I have fancies …

  I fancy that I am in Brazil or Guyana or some place like that.

  In Brazil or Guyana or some such place, the simple folk – it is only a few years ago that they toiled in fields made from clearings in the jungle and now they have come to settle in the shanty quarter on the edge of the big town – come to me. They work in hotels, on the railway lines. In the new world they have come to, everything is equally magical – cars, trains, transistors, lights. They treat me as one of them. I live in the shanty town with them, yet it does not occur to them that there may be limits to my healing powers. The white woman’s magic is reputed all powerful. Their faces are twisted by a curious mixture of hope and hopelessness. They hope that this evening I will work the miracle cure, but their general situation is hopeless. The magic of the big city is not in general benign. It is the big city they think that has given them that industrial cough, that cancerous lump. I think that they are right. The hut is crowded – the whole family is there, four generations of them. There are many children. The oil lamp that hangs from the low ceiling is rarely still as the heads and shoulders of the men bang against it. The timorous ones gaze at the shadows that are cast by the swinging lamp. They all cover their mouths with their scarves. It is time to begin and reluctantly they shuffle back to give me space to begin my work. I place my hands upon the puckered skin of the patient. I have no instruments and there will be no penetration of the skin by the knife. Instead I begin to call upon the invisible presences, the invisible spirits, the surgical spirits … Well, I think that using surgical spirits is like that.

  By now Philip is really mad with me. There are scarcely breaks in his shouting as it comes
staccato up the stairs,

  ‘Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! What the hell are you doing? I’ve got to go now, five minutes ago. Marcia, Marcia …!’

  I look again at the mirror and see epicentres of dust like Magellanic clouds adrift in a void. It would be pleasant, though dangerous, to … But now the shouting stops and I hear the click of the latch. He is opening the door to go out. I rush downstairs almost tumbling in my haste and cling to him in the open doorway. I do not want him to go and I bury my face on his shoulder, but even as I do so I see that he has his darkest suit on. It must be an important interview. There is quite a bit of dandruff on his shoulder pad. My husband is clad in the night and the stars. Where is the clothes brush? I dare not look for it, for the minute I relinquish my grip he will be gone. Too late anyway. He pulls apart from me.

  ‘I’ll be back at six or six thirty at the latest. You could do something to the house. ’Bye now.’

  He manages to peck at my face while simultaneously avoiding my clutch and is gone.

  Six or six thirty at the latest! That could be seven thirty or even eight. I begin to shake and I sink to sitting on the floor. I look along the hallway. It’s all there before me waiting to be done. Though I am afraid, I am still dry-eyed. Indeed the sleepy dust is still in my eyes. The power of my body to generate its own dirt horrifies me. While I sleep, thick brownish grey crystals bubble out in the corners of my eyes.

  I wish that I still thought as I thought as a child. That, as I slept, the Sandman tiptoed across the room to my cot, tiptoeing in a curious jack-knifed gait, each pointy knee successively jutting forward, then snapping back. Through closed lids I see that he wears a yellow waistcoat and yellow top hat. He is very thin and a thin smile hovers on his face. I am not old enough to tell whether the smile is benign or mischievous. He dips his long fingers into the glass albarello he carries with him and scatters sleepy dust over my face. It floats on the air and only slowly descends. It will seal my eyes until it is light again …

  I scratch the gunge out of my eyes. Every morning I awake to find waxy dirt in my ears and more earth-like dirt between my toes. At every orifice and crevice of my body I find the dirt congealing. Oh what horror if I should find that it grew from within me!

  Now I remember. It is the coffee morning this morning.

  CHAPTER TWO

  The coffee morning! And if they use the loo upstairs then they may see the unmade bed! They must not see the unmade bed. Be calm.

  It’s hours to go yet. Two hours. I shall make the bed. And try not to think what I shall do after that.

  I stand at the end of the bed, patting my cheeks. My skin is still smooth; the sheets before me are wrinkled. I suppose that, as I walk among men and they look at me and see me still pure and youthful (facial exercises and skin-cream actually), as I walk about among them, so pure and youthful, here in the upper part of the house, my secret lies concealed, shut up. It is the bed. It is the ageing monster. Tightly constrained by blankets, it is the bed, hideously creased and riven, that is the passive recipient of my griefs and vices.

  It is as if I had spent not one night but eighty years in that bed. I continue patting my cheeks to reassure myself as I look down on it. Most of the ridges run crosswise and I can deduce from this that I spent most of the night pulling myself up on the pillow.

  I could be an amnesiac who fears she may have committed a murder the night before. If only she could reconstruct the sequence of events that fateful night, for is that brown mark not a blood stain? If not a blood stain, then what? (By the way, the best thing with blood stains is a soaking and a biological powder. When I scatter flakes of the biological powder on my hand and contemplate their forms, vaguely reminiscent of crystalline snowflakes, I smile for I know that their stillness is deceptive. Locked in these frozen inorganic forms, like so many djinn in so many bottles, millions of living cells are hidden. These flakes pulse with life. I am their mistress, the Snow Queen. The cells wait to be released by the action of water – a single tear might be enough – so that they in turn may release their enzymes. The enzymes descend through the swirling waters to grapple on the strands of fabric with the clotted blood. They crouch over the reddish brown stuff, tearing, chewing, ripping, breaking up the surface of the stain, so that its particles drift towards the surface of the water. I think biological powders are wonderful.)

  Still rapt in the sheets, I am also Indian tracker and geologist. I have done nothing about making the bed. Skilled tracker though I am, I can deduce nothing from Philip’s side of the bed. The man is an utter enigma, for his side of the bed is quite smooth. Is my husband a man who does not dream? Or does he carefully smooth his half of the bed when he gets up? Every morning when I wake I mean to check but I keep forgetting. It would be strange if he did tidy his half, only his half of the bed. Why should he act like that? As strange as the man with no dreams …

  Does he fear me? And does he walk like a hunted Indian treading backwards and carefully scuffing out each footprint after he has made it? Yet I am not such a skilled tracker after all, for my eyes travel bewildered over the white wastes. Their Antarctic monotony is broken only by the irregular furrows of the snow dunes and the blood stain, an oasis of dark heat in all this chill. It is windless, and without the wind the formation of these snow dunes is inexplicable. One has the impression that millions of years have gone into their making, but millions of years of what? I do not know. Bemused by these and other mysteries, my eyes travel along the snowy shore, observing the tide-marks and jetsam of the night, but I find no clues that can help to interpret this landscape that lies beneath all reason.

  I am sad. It is not only that I am cold and alone, but crumpled linen makes me think of grave cloths. Making the bed makes me think of the laying out of the dead. Let me not think of these last things.

  I see it all not successively but simultaneously, so that my broodings on the sheets come together in a composite narrative. The night tide has ebbed from the snowbound desolation. In a house on the edge of the snows someone lies dying. It is the hideous old woman, the wrinkled portrait of evil in the attic. She tosses and writhes in her bloody strait-jacket. For so many years this bed of confinement has been all that she has known; it has been the poor woman’s opera. Now it will be her grave. She ceases to struggle. She waits for death and hopes for the Four Last Things. The first spot of blood appears on the sheets.

  It is murder. She has been stabbed by the man who does not dream. As she lies there, slowly dying, she struggles to remember how she could so have offended him. She cannot. The man who does not dream meanwhile is making his escape. It is not easy to tread backwards in snow-shoes and he keeps stumbling. In any event he soon realizes that his precautions are useless, for far away, white on a white horizon, he can see his pursuer. I have called her the Queen of the Snows. She is perhaps an avenging spirit in the Eskimo pantheon. Her marvellous hatchet-nosed Indian profile reminds me of a smartly mitred sheet. It is plain that she is a spirit of vengeance, not of compassion, for she has left the victim of the attack to die unattended.

  The old woman peers uncomfortably down the length of her strait-jacket. For a long time she sees only pale shades and she is comforted, they seem to beckon her on to a painless oblivion. Then she sees something else. A thin white trickle, very small, scarcely visible, has reached the foot of the bed. These are the enzymes – the snow-ants I call them. Though they have been roused by the smell of blood, they do not hurry, but advance in perfect military discipline. Even so, to the trained observer, the snapping of their mandibles and their saw-toothed claws and the swelling of their poison sacs reveal their eagerness to be at the old woman’s fatal wound. The claws of these warrior-ants are truly amazing – out of all proportion to the rest of the body and curving and swelling like pelican beaks. (By the way, to get rid of ants, the best thing is to buy a special powder. The powder is a bit messy, and stamping on them is in a way more effective, but formic acid I have found has a peculiarly nasty smell.)

&
nbsp; There is no powder in the attic. The screams of the wrinkled old woman shrill out over the snowy wastes but bring no response. Far away, the crystal-shaped knife of the Queen of the Snows rises and falls over the dreamless man’s body. She is hurriedly and clumsily trying to hack out her victim’s heart while it is still beating. So the enzymes entered in upon their bloody feast. The ice-woman’s knife sparkles in its bloody trajectory. The dreamless man is plunged yet deeper into dreamlessness. The madwoman screams once more. Though I would never call bed-making tedious, still it is something of a chore.

  I take a grip and pull the sheets taut. Philip says that I am a bit inclined to let my fancies take a hold of me. It must be true. I do love him when he says things like that. We’ll be having the coffee morning in the sitting room. I must get the floor hoovered before they come. I am full of thoughts as I stand back to look at my work. Such as: geologists think that rock folds are important, I suppose, because they are so big and have been there so long. Why shouldn’t sheet folds be important because they are small and here only briefly? I should have thought it important to capture the fleeting sheet shapes just because they are so transient. It’s all relative, that’s what I say (I say it to myself of course; I wouldn’t dare say it to anyone else). I mean, to a mite, the creases must appear as enormous mountain ranges, passes and plateaux. The mite lives in the same world as ourselves, yet a different one. It’s so difficult for me to say what I mean. I thought I could see some mites on the sheets just now, but they weren’t, just white flickers on the edge of vision. My own theory is that the white monotony of the sheets allied to the solitary nature of bed-making tends to produce deceptive visual effects. It is similar to what I have read – I forget where – about members of an Antarctic expedition having all the time the feeling that there was one more member of their party than there actually was.