Skin Deep

by Trista Jaszczak

  River quietly takes my hand and slowly leads me from my bedroom, taking the hairbrush from my vanity as we pass. He brings me down to my lounge chair where he instructs me to sit on the ottoman. I quietly obey and sit Indian style as he takes a seat in the chair, he begins slowly brushing the tangles from my hair. That’s when I feel it. The incredibly hard lump in my throat that I suddenly can’t swallow. I bring a hand up to my neck as though it can really help me swallow. It’s bare. My neck is bare. My collar is gone. I ripped it off and I threw it. I’m not His anymore. I force myself to swallow as I feel the tears that I'd been fighting slam against my eyes with a force akin to that of a tornado. There’s nothing I can do to stop them. I can’t be strong anymore. I drop my face in my hands and begin sobbing uncontrollably. I hear my hairbrush hit the floor as River moves quickly to face me. His arms cinch around my waist and his head presses against my chest.

  “Lola,” he says, “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…you trusted me and I fucked it all up.” He cries, pulling me harder against him.

  I stare at him through blurry eyes to see that he's on his knees in front of me, weeping.

  “I’m so sorry,” he repeats a third time. “Please forgive me, I can’t make it without you. I need you, Lola.”

  I wipe my face as I whimper and look down at my former Dom, on his knees. I don’t know everything about the lifestyle, but I know enough to know a Dom would never be on his knees for a sub.

  “Please say something, Lola.” He tells me, moving back to look up at my red and tear stained eyes.

  My mind is whirling. How did we get here? Was what he did really all that horrible? He didn’t know that Kade had worked for me. Neither of us knew that Kade would change when River came back into the picture. My mind fumbles with words. All of them are scrambled and just floating aimlessly in my head. What do I say? How do I say it? I take a breath, release it slowly and sniffle.

  “I love you…Daddy.”

  I feel his hands on my face and I let out another breath. I do. I love him. I’m His. I belong to Him. I suddenly regret yanking off my collar. What have I done? What was wrong with me? I break down sobbing again. I crumble into him, my shoulders shaking as I weep. I feel him move and take me tenderly into his arms. I lean against him and feel his fingers run through my wet hair. “Baby,” he coos, composing himself. “It’s alright, I’m right here.” His voice is calming, smooth, and level. A lot like when he talks me down after we finish a scene. I let out a breath as I try not to cry again. “I’ve got you, baby. You’re still my good girl.”

  I feel my shoulders relax as his hand rubs my back softly. I look up at him and whimper. “Oh, River…I’m so…sorry.”

  “Shh…” he takes my face in his hands, rubbing the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. “You don’t need to apologize, right now, I need you to calm down for me and then I need you to eat some more.”

  “Yes, Daddy.” I say instinctively. Turns out River had trained me far better than I ever thought.

  “Will you be my good girl and eat for me?”

  I stare at him, trying to understand why he's acting like my Dom and caring for me. He’s taking care of me despite looking terrible and needing care himself and that makes me feel even worse.

  “Yes, Daddy.” I say as my bottom lip quivers.

  He gives his head a shake. “No, be my good girl. Don’t cry. It’s alright. We can fix this, baby, I promise.”

  I give him a nod as he wipes away a stray tear.

  “Is my princess hungry?”

  Hungry? I don’t even think that begins to cover it. Starving is more like it. I give him a nod.

  “I’m going to get some hot food in you,” he tells me. “I just have to cook.”

  I hold onto him, fearful of letting go. I feel so safe, comforted, and at ease, so much so that the thought of letting go is extremely difficult to cope with right now.

  “It’s alright baby,” he tells me, rubbing my back, “I’m just going to go cook. Just relax for me.”

  I reluctantly loosen my grip and he kisses my forehead before getting up and heading into my kitchen. He looks so worn down that I can’t imagine he even feels like cooking. I know why he’s doing it, but that doesn’t mean I can let him. I get up trailing after him and step between him and the stove. He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. I’ve missed this…I’ve missed him. I pull away to look up at him. His tired eyes, messy hair, and thick stubble hurt me. He looks a mess. I can’t let him just take care of me when he needs to be cared for too. I turn around and click the burner off on the stove before reaching for his hands.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? What are you doing?”

  “Sometimes, Daddies need taking care of too. I'm going to take care of you,” I tell him, pouting, “Daddy, you’re a mess.”

  He lets out a little laugh and takes my face in his hands. “You are my good girl.”

  “Yes, Daddy, I am. And right now you look how I feel and I just…I can’t…” I lead him back upstairs and into my bathroom. “I have some of your clothes still here. Just please, shower. Then we can eat.”

  He gives me a funny look. I know I’m not supposed to just order him around. I can make requests that he care for himself so that he can care for me properly, but I can’t just flat out boss him around. I let out a little sigh, but to my surprise River begins removing his shirt.

  My eyes light up, “I’ll get you some clothes. Use whatever you want in here.” That’s when I see his wrist. More like, what’s on his wrist. I grab his hand as soon as his shirt hits the floor. There dangling from a bracelet of wrapped leather is the lock from my day collar. “River…” My voice trails as I take the lock between my two fingers.

  “It’s…uh…not traditional to do something like this. It’s more like punishment. So that I could see every day what I lost.” He uses his finger to lift my chin. “Because I love you, Lola.”

  My eyes grow wide and my heart thumps. I’d never heard him actually say it. I smile and throw my arms around him. “I love you, too.” I feel myself beginning to cry again, this time because I’m happy. I sniffle, pulling away, “I’ll go get your clothes. Please, shower. Then we can eat and talk.”

  He pulls me back into him and pushes my wet hair out of the way. He smiles and looks better than he did minutes before. His fingertips trace along my cheek as he cradles me in his arms. Finally, he kisses me slowly. I let out a little moan and hate that I have to pull away. He grins again and kisses my forehead. “I’ll shower.”

  I smile. “I’ll get your clothes. Maybe we can just order some delivery. That way neither of us has to cook. Besides, you have a lot of explaining to do.”

  He laughs and gives me a little nod. “After we eat.”

  I nod and walk into my bedroom to get his clothes. I have a good feeling wash down my body. I feel like I have River back. That we can fix the mistakes that were made. He can start by telling me everything. It’s possible. We’ve become too close to give up now. Besides, we’re not broken…just a little, twisted is all.

  I don’t think I've ever had so much pizza before in my life. We’ve nearly demolished two large pizzas, an order of bread sticks, and a two liter of Coke, not to mention all the bottles of water that we’ve chugged. Both of us were absolutely starved and dying of thirst. I close the lid on the second pizza box and push it to the foot of my bed. I’ve eaten so much at this point, I don’t think I can even look at food anymore.

  We’ve been spending the last few hours discussing his past, him finally telling me the whole truth about Kade.

  “So, everything Kade ever told me about being abused was all you?”

  River nods as he pulls me against his chest. “My dad died when I was about two. I never knew him, but I know he was a good man. Good to my mom, good to me. All I have left of him are pictures and my watch.”

  “River that’s so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault baby,” he tells me, “I wish I c
ould have gotten to know him, but everything happens for some reason or another.”

  “And your mom met Kade’s dad right away?”

  He gives me another little nod as he runs his fingers through my hair. “She met Greg about three months after my father passed away, I guess. I was so little that I don’t remember. I’d just turned two. They got pregnant with Kade almost immediately, they had him that same year.”

  “Jesus, that was fast,” my eyes widen and I snap my mouth shut. “Sorry…”

  He laughs softly. “It’s alright. I think the same thing all the time. It was fast. But maybe she needed someone, you know?”

  “Everybody needs someone,” I say. “But I guess, for me, I'd have been too torn up over losing the man I loved to even think about being with someone else. When my dad died my mom never remarried.”

  He shrugs slightly as he traces a few little shapes on my bare shoulder. “I was about six or so when Greg began abusing me. They had always babied and doted on Kade. I guess the abuse wasn’t a shock, you know?”

  “Oh, River,” I sigh, “no one deserves that. Your mother should never have let him lay a hand on you.”

  “I think she was blinded by him or something. You know. Love is blind and all.”

  “But you were her child. I’d die before I let some man hurt my child.”

  He gives me a smile. “You’re not like my mother.”

  I blush leaning up to give him a little kiss.

  “I was around twelve when it got atrocious. The beatings intensified and mental abuse started. They used my dead father against me. I knew I couldn’t stay in that house. I wasn’t old enough to work and I couldn’t run away at that age so I just planned. I went to school every single day, stayed with friends as often as I could. By the time I turned sixteen, I had gotten a job. A shitty job, but one that paid. I saved every single dime I had. The day I turned eighteen, I was gone. I was able to put a good down payment on the house and start a life for myself.”

  “Did you always want to be an artist?”

  He nods. “It’s art to me, you know? Worked my ass off to master it. I got the internship here. Kept working to have nice things. You know, things I never had growing up. I’m not rich by any means, but I'm okay, I've busted my ass to have the things I have.”

  “You kept the house when you went to NYC Ink’d,” I say.

  He nods. “I did. I rented it out. It was an extra form of income, you know? I tried to be smart about it. Rather than just selling it outright, renting it was extra money coming in each month. New York can be a hell of an expensive place. I lived in a huge loft with three other dudes and still paid a small fucking fortune in rent.”

  “River, I’m so sorry that all of that happened to you. Between Kade’s dad and your mom. I don’t know what snapped in Kade.”

  “Kade wanted you. He was jealous that I had you. That’s why he was babied so much growing up, I think. He was always jealous if I got attention and he was the happiest when I was mistreated.”

  “You didn’t deserve that. Any of it.” I say softly. “I wish you’d have told me.”

  “I had no idea that Kade worked for you. I had a friend who just so happened to know Cas. He talked to Cas and told him what amazing work I do. When I came in, I had no fucking idea that I'd fall flat on my face for you.”

  I feel my cheeks blaze with heat. “Well, if it means anything at all, I had no idea that I would fall head over heels for you either.” I laugh, giving him a little squeeze.

  “I nearly died when you pulled off your collar, Lola. I felt like my heart was ripped out and I was just waiting to die.”

  I pout as I look up at him. “I am sorry. I should never have …I just acted, and I didn’t think things through. You’d told me that we had to be honest with each other and trust one another. I felt so betrayed that I acted out in anger. I was just pissed off.”

  “You were hurt. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to tell you everything,” he admits, “but I had no idea how. It was a huge deal. Kade, whether I like it or not, is my half-brother. Why do you think I knew where he lived that night I saved you from his apartment? I knew that you'd go to him because you thought he was your best friend.”

  My jaw drops. “I never even thought about that. I was just so fucking relieved to see you that I never thought anything of it.”

  “I felt like killing that fucking kid that night,” he growls. “How fucking dare he put his hands on you like that.”

  “Well, that’s done, it’s all done,” I tell him. “Kade won’t be working in the shop anymore and with Archer coming back soon it won’t be too bad. I can hire another artist to pick up some slack and who knows, we may actually get days off.” I laugh, tucking my hair behind my ear.

  “Your shop is amazing Lola. Truly. You’re a fucking goddess with running it and your work is so incredible.” He smiles, touching my cheek. “Anyone would be a damn fool not to come to Skin Deep for their ink.”

  “I try anyways. I hope once Arch gets back we can get into a steady flow of things. The shop needs some consistency.”

  “It will, baby, and it will be incredible. People already come for miles just to visit Skin Deep. It’s even in the top tattoo parlors of Cincinnati. You're one step closer.” He pulls the blanket up around my shoulder, smiling. He looks happy. His hair is rumpled from his shower, but his stubble is trimmed just how I like it now. Not to mention, we both smell better. “It’s been a long week, you should get some sleep.”

  I pout and shake my head. “Do I have to? I feel…so relieved…I just want to stay up with you.”

  He lets out a little chuckle. “You really are the perfect little baby girl sub, you know that? I think it’s a whole lot more natural for you than you think.”

  I make a face and shake my head.

  He laughs again, this time harder. “See…right there…you’re throwing a little fit.”

  “I'm not throwing a fit.”

  Now he can hardly control his laughter. “You are!”

  “I am not,” I frown. “I just don’t want to go to sleep.”

  “You’re protesting and throwing a fit,” he says, still laughing so hard that he can barely catch his breath.

  “Because I don’t want to sleep,” I say, now getting frustrated, “Is that such a crime.”

  “Aww, Daddy’s little girl is upset,” he says, holding me tighter in his arms.

  “Now I feel like you’re just mocking me.”

  He shakes his head and his laughter has stopped. “I'll tell you what, we'll stay up and watch TV until we both pass out. Cas said that he'd close tonight and open tomorrow to give us some time to work on things.”

  “Cas did that for us?” I ask softly.

  River nods. “He did. He knew were both miserable and he said that he could look at us and tell that we're in love and need each other.”

  I let out a sigh and lay my head on his chest, I guess I thought I wasn’t all that obvious. River begins running his fingers through my hair. I let out another breath. If he keeps that up, I’ll have no problem falling asleep…and he knows it too.

  “Sleep, princess,” I hear River whisper. “Daddy's right here. I’m never going anywhere, ever again.”

  I feel my body relax and I let my eyes close. There’s no sense in fighting it at this point. I have my Daddy back, I feel complete again. Sleep for the first time in a week comes fast and easy.

  The past few days have been spent getting Archer reintegrated at Skin Deep. He’s spent the bulk of his time contacting his old customers, who were all thrilled about his return. I’ve been reworking the schedule, making sure that the guys are in the shop for their scheduled appointments. It’s surprisingly busy and will be for the next month or so. I don’t think I've ever been so pleased with a schedule. I’ve also been going through applicants and their portfolios. With us being so busy, we’ll need a few extra artists to pick up some of the slack around the shop. Maybe River was right…maybe Skin Deep is on its way
to being bigger than I ever imagined.

  Luckily Archer thoroughly approves of River, said he seems like an alright guy in his book. Of course, that was before he issued a strict warning that if he ever hurt me again he'd kick his ass. Either way, it seems like Skin Deep is well on its way to being drama free again. No issues. No worries.

  “Lo, you and River have been here like, ten hours,” Archer says, “why don’t you two get out of here? Cas and I can close. We do remember how to run this place, you know?”

  I laugh softly. “I remember, I’m just trying to get all of this shit in order.”

  “So? You can finish it tomorrow afternoon. Go home, get some food, and sleep.”

  “Alright, you twisted my arm.” I say, “We’ll get out of here. Just remember, we’re not scheduled to be back in until three p.m. tomorrow. Don’t burn the place down.”

  “That was one fucking time, Lo, and the candles smelled good.”

  River’s eyes become large as he raises his eyebrows.

  “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t even ask.” I tell him, laughing.

  “I wanted to burn some candles. It’s not my fault that Cas’ big ass knocked them over.” Archer retorts, making a face as he runs a hand back and forth in his chocolate blonde hair.

  “Finally, the whole “don’t burn the place down” thing makes sense,” River says as he reaches for my hand.

  “You’d be surprised what’s happened behind these walls.” Archer retorts.

  He tugs me in for a quick kiss. “Believe me, at this point, nothing could surprise me.”

  My cheeks become warm as we say our goodbyes and head for the door. River walks me to his truck and opens the passenger door for me. I climb in and reach for my seat belt.