Mid-Life Crisis

by T. Jessop

  Thursday 11th October 2014

  It’s that dreaded time of year tomorrow. Birthday! Joe buying gifts, ha ha. I live in dread. He’s one of them, even if I say out loud. ‘That dress in the window’s nice but I wouldn’t wear it’ makes perfect sense in any language; not to a bloke it don’t. He will go and buy it and then stand there dumbfounded while I’m sneering at him. He’ll ask me what I want for my birthday, and whatever I say he ignores. This year if he does it I’m gonna snap. I am no longer giving a shit about hurting his feelings. Brutal, but it’s better than having to keep lying that said garment is in the wash or, worse still, actually have to wear it at some time to keep the charade going. No more wearing perfume that smells like Liberace’s pant drawer, or shoes his Nan would be comfortable in. Sod him. He should know me well enough by now to know what I would and wouldn’t wear; failing that, at least have the decency to listen to what I say.

  Friday 12th October 2014

  41stbirthday.

  Un-fucking believable! A leather jacket with ‘Harley’ emblazoned across the back. Yes, I flipped. Yes, I was nasty. Yes, he stormed out somewhere and the kids have all got the hump with me. Because it was ‘bang out of order’, out of bloody order, out of bloody order! What someone should be saying is, ‘Who the fuck was he thinking about when he bought it?’ Followed by, ‘Has he got a bird on the side and is she a butch biker?’ He returned an hour later with flowers. Mate: horse and bolted. Was feeling a slight pang of guilt when he says he’d taken his brother with him when he bought it and Ian had said, ‘D’ya know what you’re doing? The Debbie I know would not wear that ever.’ He’s gone again, good fucking riddance. Dickhead. We’re supposed to be going to Penny and Mark’s renewal tomorrow. What a joke, wouldn’t marry Joe again.

  Sunday 14th October 2014

  Penny and Mark renewal 3pm Country Club.

  Remained in a foul mood Saturday and still not talking to Joe even today. Penny and Mark seemed to have a good day if you can ignore that it’s a crock. If he didn’t take the first vows seriously, what makes her think renewing them will? It’s said that your average white wedding cost £21,000 and I reckon yesterday cost at least half that amount, and there was Penny and Mark who spent the entire evening going from one relative to another not knowing who the hell some of them were. By the time they’d finished the party was over and all they got for their money was one glass of champagne and a dance. How do unremembered relatives get invited? His mother: lol, it’s the classic ‘If you invite so and so you have to invite him or her because she’ll tell so and so and he or she will feel offended, blah blah blah.’ Why worry? You’re never gonna see these people again unless there’s another wedding or a death, so why give a toss about upsetting someone?

  This is what truly causes all the stress associated with wedding planning, not the outfits, flowers or the catering, but the invite list. No matter what you decide, someone is not going to be happy. If it’s low budget you can’t afford to have every guest at the sit-down meal so you put them on the evening list, which then screams you’ve got favourites. Who sits where? You never hear of arrangements being awkward because everyone wants to be near someone particular. Nope, always it’s you can’t sit so and so next to him or her or there’ll be murder. These are always the people you neither know, like nor want that are controlling your big day. Why is there a head table? So’s you can sit there with the people you love in this life and the rest can sod off.

  Avoiding some like the plague, you always get caught by the odd one: ‘I haven’t seen you in years!’That was the plan. ‘How long’s it been?’Not long enough. ‘What are you doing with yourself?’Trying to think of an excuse to get away from you. Such bullshit. Wouldn’t it be much more fun if everyone was honest?‘How have you been?’Fine until I saw you. ‘Christ, haven’t you grown?’Oh, did you think I was still gonna be ten? Moron. ‘It’s nice all of us back together. ‘Truth. The only reason these relatives have turned up is for free booze and grub; the best deterrent is to write at the bottom of the invite, ‘There is not a free bar’. These people will decline and remark they never expected you to pay for drinks at their do, forgetting that they never even invited you. Funerals have to be the biggest of their frauds: ‘I’ve come to pay my respects. ‘Most weren’t respectful in life, why now? Guilty conscience, maybe? Might be in the will? Failing that, it’ll be the free booze and grub again. Parties held at home tend to keep the arseholes away; obnoxious relatives don’t seem to be brave enough to test your politeness and control when you’re on your own turf.

  Got back from the Sunday market and Joe has cleaned the entire house and cooked dinner. Still angry as hell, but I’m acting like I’m not

  Monday 15th October 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  Came through the door yesterday having bought the boys new jackets. Thought Joe was gonna have a moan but even I credit him with enough brain not to as no, they didn’t need them, but I wanted to get them: who could resist three-quarter length leather jackets? Pricy, but they’ll look after them. Must remember to tell Sam it’s fake leather. Not sure if real hide is a problem now he’s a vegetarian. This morning, however, it seems Joe’s found his voice again giving it the ‘Err, the boys are only eight and five, you tell yourself they’ll look after them if you must, luv.’ Dick. xx

  Was telling Chris, when she pipes up, ‘He’s got a point: how many coats can two small humans need?’

  Bitch. Seriously? Want not needs. Who do they think they are, my muvva?

  Tuesday 16th October 2014

  Schools shut as they have no heating, so we decided to take the kids to Southend for the day. Weather was crap, gale warnings were issued and torrential rain all day. It wasn’t much fun for Sam and Connor so when they asked if they could walk on the beach and throw skimmers, I let them, warning them both not to get their shoes wet. We averted our eyes for a millisecond and both the boys were in the sea up to their necks, in their new coats, and yet placed carefully on the sand were two pairs of shoes. Cringed as I saw Joe’s lips start to move, ‘What did I tell you. ‘My only defence, rather pathetic, was I hadn’t been specific enough about apparel. That failed so I told him they’d obviously inherited his div gene.

  Wednesday 17th October 2014

  Joe picking Daisy up from nursery.

  Daisy presented Joe with a lovely painting of an octopus which in her words has ‘eight testicles’. Equalled only by the time that her dad, aged three, told my mum that a dolphin is a big fish with an arsehole on its head.

  Thursday 18th October 2014

  Went round to see Connor earlier as he’s not feeling very well. He needed another dose of medicine and tried to undo the cap himself and couldn’t. I explained to him that it’s a childproof lid. He stared at me, then the bottle, and said, ‘Nan, how does it know it’s me?’

  Sunday 21st October 2014

  Jeni and Jaki turned eighteen yesterday. Chloe’s in Los Angeles with them. Girls’ night was held at Chris’s which went pleasantly well, no whining or self-diagnosis. So well in fact when she said she was going Mum’s caravan Saturday, I agreed we’d join her for the day as we were babysitting anyway.

  Two good days out of three is better than the average in this family, got up this morning and thanks to Mr Helpy Helper I’ve had to call Gina and have my eyebrows reshaped and coloured. My lighter had run out so I’d put it in the crap drawer for refilling (that never happens) and unbeknown to me Joe has refilled it, last night. Forgetting why it was in the crap drawer and not knowing anything of the above, I held the lighter as close to my fag as possible, cos every smoker knows if and only if it has a scrap of life left in it the flame will be almost invisible and will extinguish fast. Bit of a shock as I was greeted by a wall of bright orange flame and a funny smell. Lucky I have a face, let alone dodgy brows and stubby eyelashes, but on the upside I no longer have the makings of a moustache. To think I had to marry
Joe to find out how divvy he is. Then again I should have guessed that when he asked me to marry him, lol.

  Monday 22nd 0ctober 2014

  Joe football.

  Doctor reckons Chris has got ‘irritable bowel’, lol. More like irritating bastard.

  Think this MLC malarkey is starting to make some sense: the first half of our life is for others and the second half is for oneself. Must have missed something.

  Wednesday 24th October 2014

  Academic Tutor Day 10am.

  Hmm, payback is a bitch. Joe was coming with me to the school today and when I got in the passenger seat I noticed it was right back. Being only 5 foot tall I know I’d never have moved it. I jokingly said, ‘You had your bird in here. ‘Without a snicker he said, ‘Sorry, luv, she’s got very long legs.’ Shame on me. Definitely knows what I said about conifer man.

  Thursday 25th October 2014

  Elizabeth and Chloe arrive London.

  A little faith has been restored in sons: Tony didn’t like the long-legged bird joke by his dad so he hid in the airing cupboard with a balloon, and as Joe passed he let the air out through the crack of the door. He screamed, no matter what he says.

  Saturday 27th October 2014

  Zero’s fancy dress last night, good night. xx

  Elizabeth is doing some shopping up the West End before heading home; Chloe already gone. It’s been four weeks since the delivery of the new cooker; at last the engineer had put in an appearance. He titted around for two hours, says ‘All done, I’m off.’ I looked at the cooker and it’s as bent as a nine bob note. I’ve contacted the suppliers and they’ve assured me a replacement and the engineer will be here in three days, lol. So not gonna be here.

  Sunday 28th October 2014

  I got a call out of the blue this morning: Anne-Marie, married to Tony, childhood sweethearts, married forever. She’s filed for divorce as he’s been seeing the woman who does the wages at his garage. Someone tipped her off by putting a note through her door. She’s confronted him and he says it’s only happened twice: lol, ‘only’. Tony being Mark’s brother, it clearly runs in the family. She reckons it’s been going on for months: he’s been distant, exhausted and defensive for ages. They do say hindsight is a bitch. Realising the ‘twice’ wasn’t getting him anywhere he’s gone for the classic ‘stressed and had needs’. Pathetic, as she only gave birth four months ago to the youngest of four. Threw in the complaint that she’s always tired and has left him feeling unloved, aww. Maybe if he’d helped her around the house a bit she’d have been less knackered, leaving some quality time together. He obviously has time enough to spare, shagging the moose from work.

  I’m sure someone once said that marital affairs are not always a sign of a troubled marriage. Maybe not, when it’s a secret, but it’s gonna be when your found out. Who said this? Bet it was a man. Experience shows us that affairs are not only hurtful, they make the whole situation 50 times worse. Christ isn’t it bad enough to find out your other half don’t want you no more? But to find its cos they want someone else is devastating. If they don’t wanna be with you anymore, why don’t they just leave? The knife is going to go in deep enough, they don’t have to twist it as well.

  What we didn’t know is this is the second time Tony has done this. She said the first time he convinced her it was ‘just a bad patch’. Bullshit, it’s called having your cake and eating it. Tony has never once sat Anna-Marie down and said he thought they had marital problems, never even tried to alert her to the fact that he was unhappy. He said that he’d been too afraid to talk to her, tell her how he was feeling, as it would have hurt her. What a crock. Blamed in on the new business, left him feeling he was failing her financially, emotionally and sexually. Leaving because you’re unhappy is understandable, and better for both parties rather than get caught in a dirty affair, thus not only hurting your partner as their world falls in on them but they’ve also been humiliated. (1)He was failing her.(2)When the truth came out he should have been afraid. But Anne-Marie let him off, leaving because he was unhappy is better for both parties, rather than sneaking about with the fear of being caught. Of course this means you’re still going to get hurt: not only has your world just fallen on you, he’s humiliated you as well.

  From a self-confessed sluts point of view, Julie states it’s the sneaking around that makes it exciting. fair comment, and for a woman who still has the body of a twenty-something it’s easy to get your kit off and roll about in the hay. But I’m sure for the average Joe who’s been married for years has stretch marks and hanging flab it must take a lot to push past the boundaries of right and wrong and self-consciousness to have unbridled sex with someone new. If the same effort was directed towards their spouses, maybe the stale marriage would be reignited and there’d be smiles all round. Julie defended herself with the ‘Bloody cheek, I have this body cos I am twenty-something’, lol. Julie, that might work on the guys she picks up in bars, but this is me she’s talking to.

  Selfishness is the key here: when cheaters are found out they have only two choices: leave or stay. It’s less simple for the innocent partner on the receiving end: if they leave they look like the bad guy, having to walk out the door with confused kids screaming for them to stay, made worse by the fact you’d only be leaving because the shock and distress if you stay make you feel cheap and crap, and you will probably punch the cheating other half in the head, smash the house up, again upsetting the kids.

  Jenna tried to justify her decision to let him stay with ‘We are rebuilding our relationship, we’re gonna work through the problems and feel the affair will make us stronger. ‘Is she for real? Rebuilding? Up until Mick’s confession, she didn’t even know the marriage was broken. Working through our problems? In other words, he’s feeling guilty after he realised the grass was not greener. Has made us stronger? Who was she trying to convince, us or herself? What Mick did was wrong. He valued his marriage very little, so why? Has he come back to flog a dead horse?

  Maybe I’m being a little harsh? Hmm, no, if it was you who had had the fling because you felt neglected in the bedroom, would he want you back? If he did, the chances are your sex life will not be neglected but non-existent, cos he wouldn’t touch you with a dirty one let alone a clean one. If you left because you’d felt tied down, lacked freedom, is he ever gonna trust you to go out on your own again? Saddest people in these situations has got to be the mistresses: they really seem to fall for the ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’, ‘She’s a right cow’, and let’s not forget the ‘We sleep in separate beds’, the marriage was dead long before meeting her, and the everlasting ‘I’m staying for the children’. Okey dokey, then.(1)No doubt some wives are right cows, in truth most are loyal loving women who get the shit end of a deal, does the mistress know her that well? No? Then don’t make assumptions. And if indeed you do know her, then who’s the real cow? (2)Separate beds, lol, oh ha ha.(3)Staying for the children? Oh grow up, luv! If two people are that attracted to each other and fall in love, right or wrong, nothing, not even a spouse at home, will keep them apart. If you think you mean that much to the guy and are not just a ‘bunk up’, ask yourself why he doesn’t have the time to take you out for the evening but yet still attends functions with his wife. Pleads poverty, don’t buy you gifts but can still afford to take his family on expensive holidays abroad. Gives you all the excuses of stress and tiredness but on his fleeting visits will always spare enough time for you to fulfil his sexual urges. Julie used to get pressies and romantic weekends out of hers: in honesty says it was because her cheating bastard had more to lose if she’d got pissed off and had gone banging on his door. Plus he was an arrogant, balding, overweight, semi-impotent pratt whose ego trip was worth every penny to spend time with a girl as hot as Julie, cos he knew without flashing the cash she wouldn’t have been seen dead with him. Personally, as a self-confessed gold-digger, I think Julie earned every penny, cos from where I’m sitting there’s not e
nough money for me to have sex with a decrepit old man. Like Julie said, that’s why she’s on 75k a year and we are not. xx

  However, some mistresses do bag their bit on the side, even marry them. What the mistress wants to ask is, how did she really get him? Did he really follow his heart or did his wife twig and throw his sorry arse out? Did he really choose you over his wife, or did he need somewhere to stay? Are you so different from his wife that the better woman won, or are you the version that his wife used to be? It’s true that most mistresses bear resemblance to the wives, basically just the younger version without the nagging and the kids. Now you’ve married him you’ll soon become the next nagging wife, and he’ll be cheating on you. You should know he’s already proven he’s unfaithful and a quitter; or did you think you were so special he won’t do it to you? You’re at a worse disadvantage: his ex-wife never doubted his loyalty until she found out about you, whereas you have known from day one what he’s capable of. Good luck: what goes around, comes around.

  Julie says the secret to being the ‘bit on the side’ is don’t kid yourself that it’s anything more than a leg-over with perks. Don’t sit in waiting for him to fit you in between his wife and the barmaid from his local, live your life and never be stupid enough to expect the sympathy vote for the way you allow him to make you feel.