HATE ME: a bad boy romance novel

by Jaxson Kidman

  “Your heart is pounding still,” she whispered.

  “That’s what your pussy does to me, babe,” I said.

  “Can you ever talk sweet to me?”

  “Sure.” I looked down at her. “That’s what your sweet pussy does to me, babe.”

  Violet shook her head. “Whatever.” There was silence. She kept tracing the date. “I wish you’d tell me more about her, Mason. Just so I could understand.”

  “Why?”

  “You lost so much. I never lost anything in my life. I don’t get it.”

  “Consider yourself lucky then.”

  “So you like to keep secrets?”

  “Not really secrets,” I said. “It’s just my damn business.”

  “And what’s this between us?”

  “Your leg draped over my body. My dick is resting for a few minutes. I’m thinking about the way your nipples taste right now. That’s what’s between us.”

  “It’s all about sex then?”

  “We order food,” I said.

  “Mason…”

  I sucked in a breath. “Violet. Listen to me. I swore to you I wasn’t going to lead you on. I can’t get enough of you. Your body. The sex. But it’s more, okay? Your voice. Your eyes. The way your hair smells. I feel lost sometimes when I get home and you’re not home. It sounds crazy and it’s hard for me to cope with sometimes. To understand what it feels like and why.”

  Violet tapped at my chest, right at my tattoo. “Because of this?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Because of that. Okay?”

  “Give me something then, Mason. Anything.”

  “Stay the night then. It’s not the weekend. It’s not about wild sex and sleeping in. I want to hold you tonight. All night. I want to wake up and talk to you about work. How’s that sound?”

  Violet smiled. “I like that a lot.”

  The way Violet stared at me really ripped into me. I had been asking myself what next? for days. Shit with the shop. Shit with the lawyer. Shit with Violet. I didn’t like to carry too much at once even though my shoulders were big enough for it. This was all different, though. Like things were really starting to shift.

  And speaking of shifting… Violet started to move back on top of me. She lifted up, her tits dangling, almost touching my chest. My hands went right for them, cupping them tight.

  “I thought this wasn’t about sex?” I asked.

  “It isn’t,” she whispered. “But it feels really good.”

  She propped up on her knees, putting a little space between us. She reached down and grabbed at my thick cock. She stroked me back to life within seconds. I couldn't look away from her beautiful eyes. Who knew sex could actually be something deep and emotional?

  Fuck, I was in real trouble.

  Violet lifted up some more and nestled the head of my cock right against her sweet cunt. She rocked her hips forward and back, coming down, allowing me to enter her. The tightness still got the best of me sometimes.

  She lowered herself all the way down and bit her lip as she did so, letting out a whimper. She put her hands to mine, still holding her perfect tits. She then looked down at me. She was hopelessly falling for me and I couldn’t stop it. I was feeling the same way about her, which only made matters worse.

  As she lifted up and started to fuck me, things made sense. Sex was good and was real. That was all we needed together, but shit had gone deeper.

  I slid a hand from her breast to the back of her neck. I pulled her down to me, demanding to kiss her. The harder I kissed her, the harder she pumped her hips, sliding her pussy up and down my cock with speed.

  She was goddamn perfect. She was goddamn beautiful.

  And she wanted me.

  But I knew it was only a matter of time before I hurt her for good.

  She was asleep and I was wide, the fuck, awake. Sleep was not a good friend, which happened from time to time. If I dug a little too deep into the past, I would stir up old demons who liked to be wakened from their slumber and cause problems.

  Part of it was something completely different.

  I liked being there with Violet. Watching her sleep. Reaching over and stroking her hair. Using just one finger and running lines down her face. Touching her bare shoulder. Pulling the covers down a few more inches so I could see more of her beautiful body.

  I leaned over and kissed her shoulder. I pulled the covers up.

  I got out of the bed and walked to the dresser. I pulled open the drawer and saw the notes. I didn’t hide them because nobody went into my drawers. Except Violet. That made me smile. But she had found the beginning of a dark secret of mine. A secret that she didn’t know everything about. A secret I wasn’t sure I could ever really explain to her. My feelings weren’t worth shit, but in the honor and defense of Kate, I kept things quiet because I didn’t want anyone to judge her. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Then again, if Kate wasn’t gone, then I wouldn’t have Violet in my bed.

  So who would you rather?

  I shut the drawer.

  I left the bedroom.

  The quiet apartment did nothing to ease my busy mind. A glass of water was useless. The gallon of milk seemed tempting, but face it, the bottles of beer next to it were much better looking. Milk was for cereal. Beer was for a confused heart.

  I grabbed a beer and twisted off the cap. I slammed the damn thing back like I was never going to drink again.

  I stood at the counter and stared across the empty apartment at the bedroom. I made a promise to myself a long time ago. A promise that I knew Kate wouldn’t have supported. The last time I saw her, I didn’t say goodbye. I refused to say goodbye to her. She called me stubborn. She said she hated me. But she said it with a smile on her face. In some ways I almost wished she could have met Violet. Of course, if that happened then things would be very different.

  I didn’t say goodbye because I didn’t want to believe in goodbye. I told her I was going to write to her. Lots of letters. I told her I was going to make her proud. I wasn’t sure what she heard before she was gone. So I had to keep all my promises.

  There was one I made in my mind.

  I’ll never love someone else.

  That promise was cracking, though. Every time I set a boundary Violet broke through it. Sometimes she broke through it without knowing. Sometimes I pulled her through it, not wanting to lose her.

  But there were problems waiting. So many fucking problems.

  I opened a drawer and knew what I had to do. I had to bleed a little. And no, that didn’t mean grabbing a knife and doing something like that to myself. Shit, that would have been easier than what I had planned. I had to bleed a little from my heart and my soul.

  I grabbed a notebook and a pen.

  I finished my beer and got a second one.

  Then I went to work.

  Dear Kate,

  28

  A New Letter

  (Violet)

  When the morning swept over me, welcoming a new day, I woke up in Mason’s bed. Not a big deal at that point, except for that fact that it was during the week. That was sort of a no-no rule of his. I was alone in bed, too. I popped up and looked around, trying to find out what time it was. I had a few days off before the official launch of the app. For Victoria, that meant nothing much. For me, I had to be basically on-call just in case there were any problems and glitches. I was nervous, but spending time with Mason helped to keep me calm.

  I reached across the bed to his pillow, wanting to smell him. The room smelled like him, but not as much as it used to. Maybe I had been staying there too much. Maybe I was invading…

  My fingers touched something.

  Under his pillow.

  I looked and saw it was a piece of paper. Folded up.

  I sat up in bed and opened the letter.

  It was a new letter. It was dated yesterday. It even had a time on it.

  Two in the morning.

  “What?” I whispered.

  I started to read…

/>   Dear Kate,

  You’d be pissed if you knew how late it was and what was racing through my mind. Things with the shop are getting a little crazy. I’m trying to understand what’s coming next in everything. Ever get to a point where you think everything is changing and is out of your control? Of course you have.

  I remember being there when you got the news. Sitting in that doctor’s office. You already knew, though. I tried to talk you down, tried to pass some good vibes. But you knew. I wanted to be angry at you when the truth came out, but how can I argue what someone knows? I remember wanting to storm out of the room. Wanting to destroy everything in my path. I was close to doing just that too. But then you started to cry. It had been a long time since I’d seen you cry. And I finally had the chance to be there for you.

  Damn, is that selfish? I hope not.

  Everything around me is changing right now. I didn’t ask for it. I can’t control it. It’s driving me insane. I made you some promises, Kate. I’ll keep to all of them, but if I do, my life is a one track life. That’s what I’ve been doing. But something has threatened to knock me off my track. Amazing how I could bench press more than most guys at the gym. I’ve beaten my body so hard that it’s grown to a crazy size. Yet all it takes is the right woman to push me off that path.

  I have one foot off, Kate. I’ve stopped moving. My world is turning, but it’s at a slower rate. She knows about you, but not everything. There’s pieces of our life together I’m not sure she can know or she could understand. I don’t want to hurt you by telling her everything. Yet when I look at her, she’s comfort to me. She makes me want to give her everything and finally take a damn breath. But how can I do that? The last time I did was with you. Look how that turned out.

  I’m going to end up hurting her, Kate. Because that’s what I do to people. It’s this inevitable force around me. I hurt you. I hurt everyone. I’m like a runaway truck, you know? Sometimes I wish she would leave me alone. Sometimes I wish I’d see her bring a guy home. But if she did, the jealousy… and where would that come from? I’m not a jealous person, but she’s found a way to stick a finger into my heart and twist. Her nail cutting me open, making me bleed, proving to me that I’m alive. That I’m capable of feeling something.

  I almost hate her for it. I’ve done all I can to get her to hate me yet she keeps coming back. She’s like you Kate, always there for me. No matter what. Until you were gone. Once you were gone, you were…

  Shit.

  I’m writing this in the middle of the night. She’s sleeping in my bed. She’s going to be reading this in the morning and I’ll be at the shop. I don’t know what she’s going to think. Or do. I don’t know how much time someone can waste on another person. If she left, it would hurt. But I wouldn’t hold it against her. If she kept coming after me, I can’t promise a thing. I know that if I keep falling, it’s going to end bad. I’m going to self-destruct and destroy anyone around me.

  That’s what I do, Kate. You saw it for years. You were there with me when I did it.

  Now you’re gone. You never have to worry about me doing that to you again.

  I’m not sure it’s fair, but I almost want her next to me when I self-destruct. So I can prove myself right and show her that she needs to run like hell. Or maybe if I self-destruct and she stays close, it’ll matter.

  She took me to meet her parents. She has a good life. She’s a good person. Her heart is amazing and as beautiful as her smile and her eyes. She should have someone that reflects that. Not some fucking project like me. I get it. I’m the mirage of the bad guy who needs to be saved. But the thing is, Kate, I don’t think I want to be saved. Fuck that. The hate spreads easier and feels better. Love makes everyone vulnerable. I loved you and I lost you. I was caught up in a tattered mess of feelings that not a single person could ever understand. Feelings that were so real and raw that it tore us apart.

  I want Violet to wake up next to someone who takes care of her. Someone to look at her and smile. Someone that will comfort her, not just with the size of his muscles or his ability to fuck her, but comfort her with his heart. We all have a heart, but some just aren’t good. I remember being in grade school, right after everything happened. Staring at all these punk kids who had their parents. I remember the urge to do bad. And then when I did it, it felt good. I wanted to feel guilty. I wanted to be sorry. But it felt fucking good.

  So what do I do, Kate? I wish you’d come back, even for a damn minute, and just tell me what to do. I’m going to hurt her. I’m going to push her away, maybe even off the ledge. Maybe only then she could stop being so damn blind to who I really am. You could sort of see through it all, Kate, but you were still there for me. Until you broke.

  She’s in my bed, Kate. And that’s right where I want her. Yet, I can’t be there right now. Not with her. I’m one step away from going off the path completely. And if I do that, I break my promise to you. But I guess I’m good at hurting people, even when they’re not here. That’s just my curse. The curse of pain. The curse of hate.

  Maybe it’s better off if everyone stays away.

  I should have never learned her name. I should have never pressed her buttons. I should have never fallen in love with her.

  There, I admit it.

  Mason

  The last few lines of the letter sank deep into my heart. It actually stole my breath for a moment. I was in complete and total shock. Mason admitted he loved me. In a letter to a woman he once loved. A woman he lost. The date tattooed on his chest tied into that woman somehow.

  I folded up the letter and climbed out of Mason’s bed.

  I walked through the apartment in silence. I already knew he wasn’t going to be there. He wrote it in his letter. He was at his shop. But doing what? Sleeping there again? Doing everything he could to avoid me?

  He loved me. I loved him.

  It should have been easy. Just like my parents. It didn’t matter about his past. It didn’t matter where I came from. All that mattered was how we felt at that time. That moment. That spark that ignited something wild and deep.

  By the time I went to my apartment I knew what I was going to do. I was going to barge right into his work, into his office, into his personal space, and I was going to demand some answers. He didn’t have to open his heart about Kate. I wasn’t asking him to do that. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the Kate situation or how to deal with it. That was tough, but I could manage. I would figure it out. Because Mason was worth fighting for and figuring out. He wanted to self-destruct around me? Fine. Do it. Blow up. Hurt me. Whatever you want, Mason.

  I half expected my car to magically not start, but it kicked over just fine. All Mason needed was a day with my car and it was back to normal. He did that out of kindness, refusing to take a penny. All he wanted was pizza and sex. There was more pizza than sex.

  The car was running and my cellphone decided to go off.

  I stopped moving for a split second, hoping it was Mason.

  It wasn’t Mason.

  It was Davis.

  A total blast from the past.

  I hadn’t talked to him in years. I couldn’t believe he still had the same cell number. I didn’t even realize he was still in my phone. But he was. And his name was on my screen. It used to have little hearts because that’s what you did when you were eighteen and in love with a boy who couldn’t figure out how to be a man. The hearts were long gone, and I thought Davis was, too.

  I ignored the call, figuring word traveled around town that I had been there because of my father. Everyone loved to talk and gossip. So it was probably breaking news that I was there and with a new man.

  Leave it to Davis to call me at the weirdest time ever.

  By the time I got to RN Custom Rides, he had called me three more times. Enough that he had caught my attention. After the last call, he left a voicemail.

  Violet, it’s Davis. I, uh, I hope this is your number still. I’m sorry to bother you. I need to talk to you, though. It’
s really important. It’s sort of an emergency. Please call me.

  I wasn’t sure how to take the voicemail.

  First things first, I needed to talk to Mason.

  Deal with one man at a time.

  “Violet?”

  I turned and saw Hunter. He cocked his head to the side a little.

  I had only met Hunter twice.

  “Hunter. Where is he?”

  “Um…”

  “No um,” I said. “Please.”

  “He’s in his office. But he’s with…”

  I turned and made a line.

  Hunter whistled after me, but I didn’t give a shit.

  I did what I said I was going to do. I barged right into his office.

  I didn’t expect to find Mason sitting on his desk, signing papers, a man in a suit with an open briefcase on the chair, turning his head, looking at me.

  “Violet?” Mason asked.

  “I… we need to talk.”

  “Last night’s mistake?” the man in the suit asked.

  Mason jumped off the desk. He slammed the papers to the man’s chest. He put the pen to the man’s neck. “Talk about her like that again, Teddy, and I’ll drain you. Now get the fuck out of my office.”

  “You’re making a mistake,” the man - Teddy - said. “This is a stupid move. You’ll wind up fucking broke. I hope you end up that way. Fuck this.”

  Teddy threw the papers into his briefcase and slammed it shut.

  “You’re a real asshole, Mason,” Teddy said. “I can’t wait to be done with you.”

  “You like my money,” Mason said.

  “You won’t have any soon enough.”

  Teddy hurried toward the door. He stopped and looked at Hunter. “Congrats to you. If you even know what the hell is going on here.”

  “What?” Hunter asked.

  “What are you doing here?” Mason asked me.