by Cydney Rax
“I remember that. We all had to sleep in that one bedroom. You got us bunk beds. At first I had my own bed, but after they came to live with us, I had to sleep with Mimi. I hated it.”
“Right. And so I can admit that our life changed because I took in my sister’s kids.”
“My crackhead aunt Jocelyn?”
“Yes. I didn’t want to see these kids stay in a bad situation, with Jocelyn unable to control her habit. They were so unstable they had to enroll in a new school every two weeks. So I went and picked the girls up from my sister and that was that. Your daddy had no heads-up. He wanted a say-so. But at the time, I was like, ‘Ain’t nothing to think about. These babies are my nieces and I won’t have them in the streets.’ Oh, we fought like a Komodo dragon attacking a deer. He argued. I shoved him around and accused him of wimping out and acting like we couldn’t handle the extra mouths. He tried living with all of us for a month or so. And after a while, he got abusive with his fists. I stood my ground about my nieces, and he acted like he wanted to kill me. And I got sick of the fighting, and we both agreed he had to go.”
Nicole finally had the truth about some of her family’s history. Now she knew why her mother had made up stories about what really happened when she was a kid. The reality of their situation would have been too much for a young girl to handle.
“Okay. So you blindsided Daddy. And he didn’t want to live with all of us under the same roof, and he got the hell out of Dodge. I’m sure you didn’t expect him to actually go and never come back. So, how’d you deal with it?”
“I was pissed. I was ready to grab the first iron skillet out the kitchen, hop in my car, find him, and beat his raggedy-weak ass for putting such a hardship on me. I felt we could have compromised, worked something out. But he wasn’t having it, and I wanted to bash his head in with a skillet and then kill him. But what good would all that do? I didn’t want to give him that much power. I didn’t want my anger to cause me to do something I’d regret. So—”
“So you changed your mind about bashing his head in with the frying pan?”
“Yes. I had more important things to do. Like take that skillet home and cook four girls something to eat.”
“You’re a better woman than I am. I-I’ve wanted a good life for so long now that it’s just part of my soul. My dreams and wishes mean the world to me. Do you know that I was scared Rashad might not even show up at the church on our wedding day? That night before our wedding I had to change pajamas twice. That’s how much I sweated on those sheets.”
“Sounds like a nightmare and nothing like a dream, Nicole.”
“That’s what I’m saying. I closed my eyes and pictured myself having everything that I ended up getting. And knowing I could live that way felt so good, so scary, yet so wonderful all at the same time. Mama, I wanted that good feeling to last forever. But it’s over and it’s not fair. And someone will have to pay.”
“Really?” Evelyn laughed. “You sound young.”
“I am young, and I am hurt.”
“No, listen to me good. When you’re still young, you have time to dream again.”
“Lots of young people die prematurely all the time. Besides, I don’t want to dream again. I want what I’ve already got. Mama, I don’t care how young I am, I’m not ready to start all over, start from the bottom and crawl and fight my way back up to the top. Why would I want to do that when it’s taken me so long to get the good things that I’ve achieved? Rashad is a fool if he thinks I’m going to walk away easily. He promised me a good life, then he acted like I did something wrong. That bastard will pay one way or another.”
Nicole’s mother listened to her bitter ramblings. Lifelong dreams that were unmercifully snatched away could kill some people. But some dreams were just illusions, unlawfully acquired. And Evelyn knew how Nicole initially got involved with Rashad. She couldn’t help but question her, “When you tell me that Rashad has to pay for hurting you, is it the mistress part of you that wants revenge, or the wife?”
“Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking me.”
“You’re shocked. Angry. Afraid. A lot of bad things are now happening to you, Nicole. You did not predict this outcome. But you seem to forget about the mess that you put another wife through not too long ago. When you first told me how you and Rashad met, it just sounded bad. I couldn’t be totally happy for you because I was afraid of how it might end up. I told you—”
“Mama, I do not want to hear anything else about that karma stuff, alright? You sound like a broken-ass record that keeps getting fixed and then breaks all over again. Enough already.”
“Apparently, it ain’t enough. Because if you do believe in karma and you’re too stupid to take it serious, then you deserve every bad thing that happens to you. Stop being foolish and thinking you can get away with doing wrong. You can accept your punishment and be a woman, walk away from this mess of a marriage, and keep your hands clean, or you can go play around with karma again and find yourself in a deeper mess.”
“Now you’re exaggerating.”
“Am I?” Her mother studied her. “I have no control over how things happen, the bad things that people bring on themselves. And you don’t, either. The only way to control the bad is to not do anything to earn the bad.”
“I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care what I’ve done, his actions cannot be forgiven, Mama. Rashad wants to divorce me and I don’t deserve that. He will not get away with hurting me.”
“Your husband wants out. So be it. You can be angry about the truth, Nicole, but it won’t change your reality.” Feeling angry herself, Evelyn paused to allow her declaration to sink in. “It’s not your job to pay him back, sweetie.”
“But what am I supposed to do with this anger, then, huh? Am I supposed to just let him dump me like trash and not say a word, just agree with it, just sign away my marriage like it never even happened, and keep my mouth shut even though I want to scream? If I were to do that, it would be like I have no say-so in the matter, and that’s not right. Like he counts and I don’t. And I do matter—I do.” Nicole had had enough. The situation was too overwhelming. She wondered whether she would ever feel happiness, but it did not seem likely. What on earth was she doing in Alabama? She missed her big house. Missed her master bedroom. Missed her life. She sat at the table and began to weep. Salty tears streamed into her mouth. She could barely see as water poured from her eyes.
How could someone who knows how much you love him treat you so badly? How could her own husband treat her like she was worthless and that her feelings didn’t matter? How could he not even give her a second chance? What about what she wanted? It all seemed so unfair and so wrong. Rashad had been her anchor, but now he’d pushed himself away from her. Leaving her to reach out for him. Leaving her stranded and helplessly going down on her sinking ship. She just couldn’t imagine herself letting Rashad go about his life and leaving her to drown. Her mother might have changed her mind about punishing her dad for hurting her, but Nicole vowed to do things differently. No mercy. No regrets.
* * *
After enjoying a couple of days wandering through the Birmingham area and revisiting her old stomping grounds, Nicole made her way back to Texas. Her mom got out of the car and said good-bye at the Southwest Airlines passenger drop-off. Evelyn told Emmy she loved her, then she hugged Nicole and firmly begged her, “Hanging on to hurt is like swallowing deadly poison. Please don’t do that. Letting go of bitterness may give you the strength you need to get through your divorce.”
“There isn’t going to be a divorce,” Nicole snapped. “He cannot divorce me.”
Throughout the flight, she thought about how she was going to handle her problems as she held Emmy on her lap. After her plane landed in Houston, she picked up her Jeep from the airport parking lot and started the long drive home. She pulled up to her and Rashad’s house and enjoyed the comfort it gave her. She aimed the garage door opener as she drove up the driveway. Nothing happened. Thinking th
e battery wasn’t working, she smacked the device several times and pressed the button again. The door remained closed.
Nicole got out of the car and walked over to the keypad that was secured next to the garage. She flipped open the lid and punched in the passcode. Nothing!
“The fuck?”
Irritated and exhausted from the trip, Nicole trudged to the front door and inserted her key. It went in halfway, but it was apparent that it no longer fit the keyhole.
She banged her fists against the door and rang the bell. Her cell phone lit up.
“Rashad, I just got back from my trip, and I’m tired as hell. I tried to put my key in the door and it doesn’t work. Neither does my passcode to get into the garage.”
“Yeah, about the key. There is a new one underneath the welcome mat. It’s there for you. Go look.”
“Oh, okay, you changed the lock but gave me a new key.” She lifted up the rug and got the key, but when she tried to insert it, it didn’t fit, either.
“Rashad, what the hell is going on? This key won’t work.”
“The key that’s under the rug is to an apartment. The apartment that I got for you.”
“Why’d you get it for me? I don’t understand.”
“Nicole, at first I was going to live there. But I changed my mind. I don’t feel I should have to move out. So while you were out of town, I boxed up your stuff and delivered it all to the apartment that I was going to lease. Now it’s your place. It’s a nice complex with good amenities. The first three months’ rent is already paid.”
“Wait a minute—you’re actually putting me out? Who the hell do you think you are? I’m your fucking wife, not your child.”
“But I told you, we’re through.”
“Rashad, c’mon, this is too much. I can’t take this. How can you do this to me?”
“We can’t live together if we’re breaking up. Don’t worry, you’re gonna like this place, Nicole. Go check it out, alright?”
“Rashad . . . I don’t even know where this place is.”
“It’s in a real nice area.”
“You dirty-ass motherfucker. How dare you put me out?”
“Nicole, I didn’t even have to provide a rent-free apartment for you. I could have literally made you homeless, but I didn’t.”
Nicole’s head was spinning. None of what was happening seemed real.
“What have I ever done to you for you to treat me like shit?”
“Everybody has a right to be happy.”
“I get that. But why do me like this when you know how it feels to go through your own breakup? When Kiara kicked you out of your own house, who took you in, Rashad?”
He fell embarrassingly silent. Nicole was right. She did invite him to come and stay with her for as long as he wanted. But that was then.
Rashad was fully aware of how emotional Nicole could be. And it was better to break things off without letting her negotiate. He knew if she had her way and he let her back in their house, she’d start with a long kiss, then advance to a striptease, she’d suck his dick like it was the last one on earth, and soon they’d be banging each other like two rabbits in a field. She’d skillfully convince him to change his mind and the divorce would be off. But he didn’t want Nicole to entertain useless dreams anymore. He knew he’d hurt her with his sudden decision, but the hurt would destroy her heart even if he let her down easy.
“Nicole, you’re right about that. And I thank you for helping me out back then, but this is a different situation. I-I can’t leave my house. I don’t want to. This time around I will be the husband who gets to stay in the house he’s paid for. Plus, this place is so big that eventually I plan to sell it. I probably won’t even be here that long. I’m starting over. I need a break.” He started rambling on and on like he was talking out loud to himself. “And Kiara, my first love, still loves me. I know she does. She might even want to move into this house. And I need space to figure it all out.”
“Did you say Kiara? And you? That’s who you were talking about?”
Rashad realized he accidentally told her the truth.
“Yes, Nicole.”
“And y’all are seriously getting back together? And you’re moving that bitch into my fucking house?”
“She’s not a bitch.”
“You’re defending her? Oh God. This is nuts.”
“It’s not nuts. It’s reality. And it’s very possible that once Kiara sees the house, she’ll want to move in. I’d like that very much. We’re taking things one day at a time—”
Nicole pressed the button on her phone and hung up on him while he was still rambling about his future dreams. She couldn’t believe what had just transpired.
“How can he give to her what he promised to me? There is no way she will have him, have the house I selected, and get everything I’ve ever wanted.”
She stood back and stared at the beautiful, elegant home that she’d been so proud of the day they’d moved in. Then she stared at her vehicle.
“What if that punk decides to take my car, too?”
Nicole was tempted to call Kiara and tell her off, but that would be the wrong move. She really needed her job and this time her boss might successfully fire her if she overstepped her boundaries. So she swallowed her humiliation and got in her Jeep. Emmy was looking tired and hungry. Although she didn’t want to do it, it was time to forget about herself.
Feeling dazed, she put the Jeep into reverse, backed out of the driveway, and drove off.
* * *
It felt weird to call another place “home” that twenty-four hours earlier she hadn’t known existed. Nicole drove into the parking lot of the apartment complex where Rashad had signed a lease. It was a first-floor unit. She got Emmy out the car, walked to the door, and let herself in. She cautiously inspected the entire place: a tiny living room, a quaint kitchen, an oversized bedroom with two walk-in closets, and a decent-sized bath. Boxes filled with all of her personal belongings were lined up against the wall of the largest bedroom. And to her surprise, the place was fully furnished.
A leather sofa, matching chair, and a rocking chair were nicely arranged in the living room. She even noticed a photo of herself and Emmy sitting in a frame on an end table.
“I don’t know whether to be grateful or to call him up and tell him to go to hell.”
But she did what she had to do and mentally told herself to get used to living in this place. She literally had nowhere else to go.
Nicole was feeling weak and getting hungry. She went into the kitchen and looked around. She noticed that the refrigerator was stocked with the basics: milk, a carton of eggs, juice, water, fresh vegetables, all the condiments, breakfast meats, and a gallon of sweet tea. The cupboards were full of baby food for her daughter. There was cereal, rice, sugar, pasta, beans, and cornmeal.
It looked like a welcoming committee had set up everything. And when she glanced at the door of the refrigerator and noticed a rectangular magnet with the words “Welcome Home,” she burst out laughing. “How fucking thoughtful,” she said sarcastically as she glided her finger over its slick surface. “He thinks of everything, doesn’t he?”
The fact that he could be so kind to her while kicking her out, but act like a prick to her while she was in his presence, simply amazed her.
Instead of wasting time making sense of Rashad’s behavior, Nicole mustered up the mental strength to prepare a quick dinner. She pulled Emmy’s bouncy chair into the kitchen and talked to her as she tried to cook.
“It’s just me and you, baby. I feel like I’ve turned into my mother. But that’s all right. As long as you love me and I love you, we’ll be just fine.”
When she was done fixing eggs, sausage, and toast, she placed her daughter in her high chair and filled her sippy cup with juice.
They sat and ate in silence. Nicole fed Emmy with a spoon and made sure she didn’t get any eggs in her hair.
Why did her baby have to look so much like her daddy? Nicole
could barely look Emmy in the eyes. She tried not to break down crying. The apartment was so silent and its sterile atmosphere presented a complete contrast to her vision of eating meals together with her family.
Once they were done, Nicole cleaned the kitchen and then decided to pick up a book and read to her daughter. But all of the books seemed to be about happy things—happy families and even happier animals.
“I’m going to have to buy you some new books,” she complained and slammed the book shut.
An hour later, when Emmy started pulling on Nicole’s leg, repeating the phrase, “Go home. Go home,” Nicole began to bawl.
“This is our home now, Emmy. Daddy doesn’t want us anymore.”
The four walls of the small apartment were closing in on Nicole. She couldn’t stand being there a second longer. It reminded her of how far she’d fallen.
So instead of thinking about what she’d lost, she decided to take inventory of what she had.
“I still got my health and my strength. I have a job and food and clothes, even expensive shoes that I can sell if I have to. And I have my precious baby,” she said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’ve been to hell and back. So this annoys me, but I won’t let it break me. I have my car and a tank full of gas. And I still have all my joint credit cards.”
She fished out all of the credit cards and called each company to see whether the cards were still active. Two were, but two others were now inactivated.
Nicole quickly ended the last call, feeling like she’d been pulled into a boxing ring.
She picked up her cell phone again and immediately dialed a number. When the person did not answer, Nicole grabbed her purse, her keys, her phone, and her daughter, and locked the apartment door behind her. She sped off in her Jeep and was soon on the road. She finally arrived at her destination, turning right at the entrance and slowly creeping past the metal gates so she could park within the complex grounds.
She noticed Ajalon’s car and started walking up the steps with Emmy clinging to her waist. The windows of his apartment started vibrating. The bassline of a Drake song began to play.
