The Secrets of My Life

by Caitlyn Jenner

  All the attention I have gotten over the past eighteen months has been fun and wonderful. But attention inevitably fades. That’s okay. It is family that sustains you, not attention from people you don’t even know. As I do get older I become more vulnerable. I face my mortality, and I don’t want to face it alone.

  My mom worries about me becoming lonely again. She thinks it would be nice for me to find a companion.

  So there you have it.

  If the problems facing the LGBTQ community in the United States are formidable, they are a hundred times more severe in Africa. Homosexuality is outlawed in thirty-eight African nations. Any trans woman or man who appears in public and is identified as such faces the real risk of being severely beaten or killed. At minimum, arrest by authorities is a virtual given. I would like to go to Africa, although I know that my presence in many places would not be welcome. But it would draw attention, always the first step in overturning horrible conditions.

  But I will never stop fighting on behalf of the trans community here. I love America. I am proud of America. Whatever political views I have, they will never interfere with doing everything I can to help a community that has been so unfairly maligned and marginalized. I will talk with anyone at any time about the issues of job discrimination and teen suicide and violence. If I can move the needle an inch, then I have moved something.

  Then there is the issue of the Final Surgery. It is a complex decision under any circumstance, only made more complex because of the inherent risk of any operation at my age. I know it has been done thousands of times at this point and is pretty much perfected. But it is still surgery, and there are steps that have to be taken beforehand, including several sessions of electrolysis to remove hair and also an orchiectomy to remove the testicles.

  It is also a matter of total personal choice. Only about 30 percent of trans women have any type of surgery, either because of the expense or because they don’t feel it is necessary for their own authenticity.

  So why even consider it?

  Because it’s just a penis. It has no special gifts or use for me other than what I have said before, the ability to take a whiz in the woods. I just want to have all the right parts. I am also tired of tucking the damn thing in all the time.

  But I hate the thought of going under general anesthesia. I am also not a young person anymore. So over the past eighteen months I have gone back and forth. I lean toward having it done, and then I hesitate.

  There is something about the moon tonight that is taking me in a thousand directions. Maybe because it’s the residual of the harvest moon that took place the night before, a glow and orb all its own.

  I think of my dad and what he would have thought of it all. I think of my mom, now ninety years old, whose acceptance of me and determination to learn about the issues puts to shame every parent who refuses to understand the pain of a child growing up in the wrong gender. I think of my brother, Burt, hovering above us, not quite believing that he now has another big sister in the family and no doubt chuckling to himself. I think of friends I have not thanked enough. I think of my children and how I can only give them the one thing any of us can truly give, which is love. I think of successes. I think of failures. I think of Bruce. It is only in becoming Caitlyn that I have realized he was a good man.

  The moon rises slowly and pivots over the mountains. Its glow is hypnotic.

  We all look in the silence of wonder.

  Because there still is wonder in the world for all of us.

  You never know what will happen.

  You just never do.

  Wait…

  I knew I forgot something.

  After much deliberation, I had The Final Surgery in January 2017. The surgery was a success, and I feel not only wonderful but liberated. I am telling you because I believe in candor. So all of you can stop staring. You want to know, so now you know. Which is why this is the first time, and the last time, I will ever speak of it.

  My Dad, Bill Jenner, when he was an Army Ranger in 1944. He fought in the battle of D-Day and was the toughest man I ever met. Nothing scared him. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  At around age 2, already with good legs. I grew up in 1950s America—a period in which the country economically boomed. But it certainly wasn’t an Age of Enlightenment when it came to the acceptance of others. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  At age 3 with my mother, Esther, who has been so beautifully supportive since I transitioned. I obviously never had an issue posing for the camera. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  With my older sister Pam in 1954. I have always idolized her, envied her, and wanted to be just like her when I was growing up. I was drawn to her closet just like I was to my mom’s but could not figure out why. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  At age 15 posing with my Dad’s car, a 1960 Austin-Healey Sprite known as the “Bugeye” because of its headlights. I loved it so much that I got the same model when I became Caitlyn. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  At 16 I knew what the status of being an athlete in high school bestows on you. Competing gave me the opportunity to deal with all the confusion I felt as a kid; to fight inferiority with superiority. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  On the podium at the 1971 NAIA Outdoor Track & Field Championship, two years after knee surgery. My coach at Graceland University, L. D. Weldon, always told me to “just take it” in competition and in life, which became my mantra in more ways than one. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  Pole vaulting at the 1976 Olympics. It was always my favorite event. I liked the freedom and spiraling aloneness. (Heinz Kluetmeier/Getty Images)

  Right after winning the men’s decathlon. It was such a great moment for me, for my family, and for my country. But I also knew in an instant that my life would change forever. The Grand Diversion was over, and I had been christened overnight as the ultimate American Male Athlete. (Ed Lacey/Popperfoto/Getty Images)

  With Chrystie right after winning. I never would have made it to the Olympics if it weren’t for her. We quickly became the “Golden Couple.” (Neil Leifer/Getty Images)

  Posing with the gold medal hanging around my neck. The morning after, I looked in the mirror and thought, “Now that it’s over, who am I?” (Bettmann/Getty Images)

  My brother Burt’s 1976 graduation photo. He was going to join Chrystie and me in California shortly after graduation. We were just getting to know each other. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  Posing for a photo shoot at my home in Malibu with my dog Bertha in 1980. I did hundreds of these as I became a media personality after the Olympics. (John G. Zimmerman/Getty Images)

  At the Can’t Stop the Music 1980 premiere with Linda. This was early on in our relationship, before our two kids were born and well before I told her about my gender dysphoria. (Images Press/Getty Images)

  On the set of CHiPS in 1981 with Erik Estrada (left) and Larry Wilcox (right) where I played Officer Steve McLeish for six episodes. My foray into acting never really went anywhere. I wonder if my sliding career caused my gender issues to inflame, or if it was my preoccupation with my gender issues that caused me to let my career slide. (NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

  Doing a “bit” with Bob Hope and Merlin Olsen as “the Melody Maids” at a 1981 Bob Hope comedy special. Although appearing in drag was supposed to be a gag, in actuality it became something of a godsend for me. I was careful to not seem too comfortable, so I tried to play with it and be cool. The gag wasn’t memorable. But I did get out of it a great pair of heels that actually fit me. (NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

  With my son Brandon in 1981. I wasn’t nearly as present with the children from my first two marriages as I should have been. I felt unworthy as a father and not good enough to play a role in anyone’s life. For long periods of time I shamefully abandoned them. (Original print courtesy of the Jenner famil
y)

  Commentating a sporting event for NBC in 1985. Broadcasting seemed like a natural fit on the surface, but I hated reading from the teleprompter because of my dyslexia. (l-r: Charlie Jones, my son Brandon, Bruce, and Ahmad Rashad) (David Madison/Getty Images)

  At an event in 1986 pictured with race car driver Danny Sullivan (left) and actor James Garner (right). The afterglow of the Olympics had largely faded by the mid-1980s. I did some events here and there but didn’t have any real motivation. I became totally fixated on my gender identity and lived as a hermit much of the time. (David McGough/Getty Images)

  At an event in 1987 with pioneer transgender activist Renée Richards. I so admired her efforts and envied her courage, but didn’t have the nerve to talk to her about my gender issues. (Ron Galella/Getty Images)

  After a courtship of just 7 months, Kris and I were married in 1991. Regardless of the differences that developed in our relationship later on, she did save me, just like sports saved me as a young child. (l-r: Esther, Robert, Kourtney, Burt, Bill, Kim, Bruce, Brandon, Kris, Casey, Harry Shannon, Brody, Mary Jo Shannon, Khloe) (Photo Courtesy of Wendy Roth)

  The 1993 Jenner–Kardashian leather-clad family portrait for the annual Christmas card. We were truly one big happy family in the early 1990s. It was the first time I felt like a real and present father. But as the years progressed, the complexities of divorce and other issues made it impossible to keep the two families together. (back row l-r: Burt, Khloe, Bruce, and Kris; middle row: Robert, Casey, and Kim; front row l-r: Kourtney, Brody, and Brandon) (Donaldson Collection/Getty Images)

  Promoting season 1 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in 2007. Once the show took off, my marriage with Kris radically changed, and I no longer felt needed. What kept me going was being a father to the Kardashian kids and Kendall and Kylie. (l-r: Ryan Seacrest, Kim, Kylie, Khloe, Kendall, Kourtney, Kris, and Bruce) (Jeff Vespa/Getty Images)

  At a celebrity golfing event in 2008. I have always loved playing golf. As Bruce I preferred to play alone, almost as a form of therapy to give me some peace away from the constantly chaotic comings and goings of the Kardashian household. (John M. Heller/Getty Images)

  The Jenner family in 2011. They have what their father never had: They know who they are and they are comfortable with who they are. (l-r: Burt, Kendall, Kylie, Bruce, Brody, Casey, and Brandon) (Original print courtesy of the Jenner family)

  At an event in 2012 holding the Wheaties box. For years I would do “Finding the Champion Within” speaking events all over the country. It was my job but also an opportunity to go to hotels and get fully dressed as the woman inside me. (Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)

  My first public appearance as Caitlyn was at the ESPYs Awards in July 2015. Here I am right before I accept the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage, just hoping I don’t trip when I take the stairs to the stage. Next to me are the two women who have been the most influential in my life: my mom, Esther, and my sister, Pam. (Kevin Mazur/Getty Images)

  Here I am after the ESPYs ceremony with my children who have all been so incredibly supportive. (back row l-r: Khloe, Kim, Kendall, Me, Casey, Kylie, Kourtney, Kaitlynn Carter, and Val Pitalo; front row l-r: Burt, Brandon, Brody, and Michael Marino) (Courtesy of Caitlyn Jenner)

  On tour with my amazing I Am Cait sisters. They have inspired me and taught me so much about the issues facing the transgender community. (l-r: Chandi Moore, Candis Cayne, me, Ella Giselle, Jenny Boylan, and executive producer Andrea Metz) (Federick M. Brown/Stringer/Getty Images)

  With Kris at an event in 2016. We have been through a lot over the years, but we will forever share in common our love for the kids and will always be there for them. (Dimitrios Kamouris/Getty Images)

  At the Sports Illustrated cover shoot at the University of Oregon, where I set a world record in the decathlon. It was strange to be back with photographer Heinz Kluetmeier 40 years after he captured my Olympic win. While Bruce will forever be stuck in that moment, Caitlyn never was and never will be. (Courtesy of Caitlyn Jenner)

  At a LGPA pro-am golfing event in 2016. Unlike Bruce, I now love golfing with others. Plus my short game has improved. (Ryan Young/Getty Images)

  With a fully restored 1960 Sprite, the same model of car that my dad had when I was a kid. On the back it says “Dad’s Sprite,” a tribute I know he would have loved. I will never know how my father would have reacted to Caitlyn, but he would have wanted me to be happy. I think about him all the time. (Courtesy of Caitlyn Jenner)

  Acknowledgments

  The trouble with thanking people is you can’t do it all in the same sentence, so everyone gets the exact same amount of credit. The book could not have been done without the commitment and belief of so many.

  You have to start somewhere, in my case with Alan Nierob. Alan is not only a consummate public relations executive. He not only watches my back and has my best interests at heart. He has been a friend for nearly thirty years, standing with me through difficult times and beautiful ones.

  CAA literary agent Cait Hoyt was exceptional, handling every panicked phone call with grace and aplomb. Rounding out my wonderful team was my agent at CAA Jeff Frasco and my attorney Jeff Bernstein.

  There would be no book without a publisher. I found a fantastic one in Grand Central Publishing. Executive editor Gretchen Young was smart, kind, and patiently persistent in making sure this book was everything it should be. She made her suggestions quietly, then kept on making them until they were adopted. Copyeditor Lori Paximadis caught about a billion things large and small.

  Others at the publishing house who made significant contributions include publisher Jamie Raab, editor-in-chief Deb Futter, publicity director Jimmy Franco, managing editor Melanie Gold, marketing director Brian McLendon, art director Anne Twomey, and the divine editorial assistant Katherine Stopa.

  Transcriptionist Annie Snyder, who may know more about me than anyone alive given the thousands of pages she typed, is the best in the business from the faraway land of Oregon. Valuable research was supplied by Maria Spano. Caleb Bissinger superbly did the arduous and crucial process of fact-checking. I am not sure where my assistant Ronda Kamihira fits into this puzzle, except that she did anything and everything that was asked of her as always.

  I would like to thank Wendy Roth not only for her friendship over these many years but supplying us with several of the photographs that appear in this book.

  I probably see more of my hairstylist Courtney and makeup stylist Kip than anyone in the world these days. They not only do expert work, they keep me sane with their chatter and laughter.

  Thanks must go to Dr. Christine Milrod, instrumental in helping me through the wrenching process of talking to my children about my gender dysphoria. My pastor Brad Johnson helped me deal with the issue of my faith during the transition process.

  In navigating the thicket of issues that affect the transgender community, you will not find a group of individuals who know them better and have been so willing to share their knowledge with me: Nick Adams; Kate Bornstein; Jenny Boylan; Zackary Drucker, and Margaret Hoover.

  I want to thank I Am Cait soul sisters Candis Cayne, Ella Giselle, and Chandi Moore for taking me under their wing after I transitioned and helping me navigate a world that was so different to me. I also want to thank them for yelling at me only when they found out just how conservative I am.

  I must give a huge shout-out to my children for putting up with me for all these years and offering incredible support as I went through the process of transition: in alphabetical order (there are many egos involved here): Brandon, Brody, Burt, Casey, Kendall, Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, Kylie, and Robert. Together you have shaped and saved my life many times over.

  To my three ex-wives, Chrystie, Linda, and Kris: I shared a large portion of my life with each of you and while the marriages faded my continued love and respect have not. We also share in common the greatest children in the world.

  My sister Pam Mettler is remarkable in so many ways. I idolized her as a child
and the same is true now. She was one of the first I ever confided in because I knew I could trust her with my secret. My other sister, Lisa, has also been there for me.

  Then there is my mom, Esther. It is safe to say that none of this would have happened without her, since she is the one responsible for my physical presence. I was so scared to tell her, not only because she is my mom, but eighty-eight years old at the time. The news of Caitlyn’s emergence wasn’t easy for her, but she has handled it with understanding, enthusiasm, and an abundance of love. And yes, Mom, I know I need to visit more.

  Last but most definitely not least, I would like to thank Buzz Bissinger. His assistance on this project was invaluable. We spent over a thousand hours together; his dedication was relentless in pushing me deeper and deeper into my soul. I have a tendency to meander all over the place when I talk, and Buzz was somehow able to take all my different memories and thoughts and help fashion them into coherence.

  I first met Buzz in March 2015 when he was assigned to write the story of my life and transition for Vanity Fair. I feel like we have been together every day since, given the intense rigors of doing a book like this. Every time I turned around he was there—a little scary if you have ever seen the way he dresses. He can be a little moody (actually very moody). He can be a little snappish (actually very snappish). But if you can get past the black leather and the skull rings and the black-polished fingernails, he is warm and funny. He is a wonderful writer, but just as important to me, he has become a wonderful friend. I also know that this book never ever would have taken shape without him.