Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  I smiled then, remembering what Alex had asked me. “He asked if he could have another chance.”

  “Dammit, Taylor, you told him yes, didn’t you?” he asked, sounding exasperated, as he released me from his grasp.

  I was suddenly confused. Josh had been so supportive when I’d first told him about running into Alex. Why was he suddenly changing his stance?

  “No, for your information, I did not tell him anything.”

  “Good. Don’t. You don’t need to get back together with him,” he said, sounding angry all of a sudden.

  All the humor that he usually used when talking about Alex and me getting back together was gone.

  “Why not?” I asked, pulling out of his arms, putting my hands on my hips and matching his attitude.

  Josh faltered for a second before saying, “Because he’s not the right guy for you.”

  I don’t know why, but heat flamed my face, the anger overtaking me. I shook my head slowly and swallowed, fighting back the emotion I was suddenly feeling.

  “He is the right guy for me,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m still in love with him. Don’t you get that? You of all people should know this. We’ve had enough conversations about him. If he wants another chance, then it’s what I’ve wanted for years. I’m not about to walk away from that. I will walk away from you, though, if you can’t be supportive.”

  With that, I literally started to walk away from him, but he grabbed my arm. “I’m just trying to look out for you,” he hissed in my ear. “He’s going to hurt you again, and you know it.”

  I yanked my arm away and glared at him. “Screw you,” I snapped. “Focus on your own shitty love life, and leave mine alone.”

  I looked over his shoulder to see Kimmy watching us from a few feet away with a look of distaste on her face. I didn’t know how long she’d been there, or how much she’d seen or heard, but she didn’t look happy. I gave her a hard look before I walked away from her and Josh. Behind me I heard her asking him what that was all about, but I didn’t stick around to hear Josh’s response.

  Chapter 6

  While I was standing outside Splitsville, irritated with my friends, Alex reappeared. He flashed me his smile, and I fell into the abyss that came whenever he looked at me.

  “You look sad,” he said, sitting next to me on the half wall that ran around the outside area of the bar.

  “Not anymore,” I said, looking over at him. He was exactly who I wanted to see in that moment. It was like he just made everything right.

  He held my gaze for a few seconds. “My friends and I are heading back to my place. Do you want to come?”

  I nodded without even realizing what I was doing. “That sounds great.”

  I followed him in my car back to his house on Davis Island. It was still relatively early when we got back to their place, so beers were passed around. I was, fortunately, not the only girl there. His roommate Mike’s girlfriend, Elise, was there, as well, but she was a quiet girl who seemed more content watching us play beer pong rather than joining in. She sat on a chair and sipped her beer while Alex and I teamed up against Mike and their roommate Todd in a grueling match on their back porch. It was just like college all over again, and even if it felt a little immature to be playing drinking games, it still felt comfortable to be doing it with Alex.

  And by the end of four rounds, Alex and I had proven our awesomeness. We’d dominated, just like we always had.

  “So, we are obviously a superior team when we’re together,” he said, as he pulled me against him and looked down into my eyes.

  I did not miss the double-entendre in what he said.

  “Obviously,” I echoed, my heart pounding in my chest. I wished he would just kiss me already.

  “So,” he continued, his warm breath dancing on my cheek, “I now challenge you to see who, of the two of us, is the best.

  “I accept your challenge,” I responded, my voice sounding breathy.

  “Okay then,” he said, as he leaned down, closing the distance between us. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

  I was pretty sure we were no longer talking about Beer Pong.

  “I’ve never been more ready for anything,” I said, answering the question I hoped he was really asking me.

  Then he gently pressed his lips to mine, and I almost melted right there on the spot. My breathing started to hitch, as his tongue pried my lips apart. I sank further into the kiss, getting lost in what it felt like to be close to him again. Then he pulled back and smiled at me.

  “Let the games begin,” he said cockily, before he backed away and walked around to his side of the table.

  I watched him walk away, feeling like I might catch on fire I was smoldering so much. The combination of the alcohol that was flowing through my bloodstream, along with the shock that his kiss had brought, sent me reeling. I fought to regain some level of consciousness, as it was time to face him. I was already drunk enough. I probably didn’t need to consume much more than I already had, so I needed to win, fast. And then we could go have sex.

  Fortunately, my aim held out, and I was able to beat him, but not before I had to down a few cups of beer, though. By the end of it, there was no way I was driving home. Oops.

  Alex walked over to me, his head hung dramatically in defeat. “You are the champion. I bow to you.”

  On your knees boy, I wanted to say to him. Instead, I smiled and ran my hand seductively up his neck and into his hair. From there, I pulled his head down to mine and crushed my lips to his. He wasn’t startled by my actions. It was like he anticipated them. As soon as my lips hit his, his arms were around me, pulling me close, and in a matter of minutes, we were a tangled, breathy mess of limbs and lips.

  He pulled away for a brief moment. “My room’s that way,” was all it took for me to follow him inside and down the hall to his bedroom that was tucked into the back of the house.

  He flipped on his stereo, and I was immediately flung back to the first time we slept together, as the Crash album by The Dave Matthews Band started to play. I’d forgotten how Dave-obsessed Alex was.

  Within seconds, our clothes were off, and we were falling onto his bed together. It was like we’d never been apart. His lips felt nothing but familiar, as they kissed my neck, chest and stomach. He remembered all my favorite spots, and he knew what would make me go crazy.

  The lyrics to Two Step played softly in the background, as he brought about memories that I had pushed deep down. And it was all perfect until one memory I had repressed came forth into the present.

  I’d forgotten how small Alex was – literally.

  Now, I know that is so bitchy, but it was like having sex with a Tootsie Roll. It was all passion with none of the amazing feelings that usually came with sex, and back when we’d first gotten together, my experience had been limited, but now I knew better.

  All I wanted was to feel something, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t going to orgasm, and I knew it. I never had with him. So I did what I’d done every other time we’d had sex. I faked it, because I knew he was waiting for me to finish so he could too, and frankly, I sort of just wanted to get the experience over with.

  When he finished, he rolled off of me, and we lay there, side by side, and I told myself that sex was such a small part of what made a relationship great that it didn’t matter. Alex was breathing deeply, and I was just breathing. Acting like I was climaxing didn’t take my breath away like the actual act of having an orgasm did, and I didn’t feel the satisfying relief I should have felt.

  Soon his breathing became more rhythmic, and when I turned to look at him, I saw that he was sleeping. I rolled my eyes, remembering how he always used to pass out after sex, then I rolled the condom off of him and tossed it to the floor before turning over and taking matters into my own hands.

  Being with Alex, I’d learned how to quietly get myself off after he couldn’t. After a few minutes, I felt the sweet relief I’d been craving, and as I fell
asleep, I remembered how many nights I’d spent in this very bed and on the very same sheets and told myself that was a good thing. It was what I’d wanted for so long. And I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  * * *

  The next morning, I woke up next to Alex and relived the whole night over again in my mind. He was sleeping peacefully, so I watched him for a few minutes. I glanced at my watch. It was after ten, so it was probably safe to wake him up.

  I put my hand on his stomach, and rubbed gently, knowing how he liked to wake up. He didn’t move, so I planted a kiss on his cheek. His eyes opened slowly, and even though he was sleepy and groggy, he registered that I was there and a smile spread across his face.

  “Hey,” he croaked.

  “Good morning,” I said, trying to hide the utter happiness that was radiating from me.

  “Did you sleep okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah it was great.” I tucked a lock of my hair that was falling in my face behind my ear.

  “That’s good.” He glanced over at the alarm clock on his bedside table, and then at the ceiling for a few seconds. I kept my gaze on him.

  “Do you want to grab breakfast?”

  He looked over at me. “Oh, I can’t. I have to get to the gym.”

  “But it’s Sunday?”

  “Yeah, but I have a paper to write and a test to study for, so I’m going to be tied up all day with that. If I don’t go to the gym now, I won’t get there.”

  “So skip it today,” I said, putting my sweetest tone in my voice as I moved my hand up from his stomach to his chest. “Your body looks amazing to me.”

  He flashed me a crooked smile. “Come here then.”

  I moved closer to him, and he pulled me on top of him, kissing my right shoulder. Underneath me, I could feel him grow harder, so I knew what would happen next. I sat up, pulled my tank top off, and pressed down against him. He put his hands on my hips, and looked up at me adoringly. I smiled at the knowledge that this was what I’d wanted, and I let him make love to me in the light of the morning sun that was streaming through the breaks in the blinds on his window.

  Afterward, Alex went to the gym, and I went home. It was after eleven, but the house was quiet. Josh’s jeep was in the garage, so I crept up to my room, not wanting to run into him. Thankfully, his door was closed, and I wondered if Kimmy was with him.

  Then I showered and spent the day locked in my room reading and studying for an upcoming test I had. Finals were approaching quickly, so I needed to be ready.

  When I emerged once for lunch and once for dinner, Josh wasn’t around. I was glad, since he was the last person I wanted to talk to.

  After dinner, I fought the urge to call Alex. I wanted to, but I had just seen him that morning. I would wait for him to call me.

  Allison didn’t come home that night, Alex didn’t call, and when Josh came home alone, he didn’t come upstairs. I could hear the TV on, so I hibernated in my room and started a new book I’d been wanting to read. I went to bed without speaking to him.

  And for the next two days, since I had class at night and Josh worked during the day, I artfully avoided seeing him and sat around waiting for Alex to call. He didn’t, but Nathan, the cute guy I’d met on Friday night called me. When I hadn’t heard from Alex by Wednesday, I got pissed and called Nathan back.

  We talked for a few minutes, and when I hung up the phone, I felt slightly satisfied that I had a date with him on Saturday night. Let Alex see how he felt about that, I thought triumphantly.

  Then Alex called, and I felt like shit. He asked me to grab a drink with him that night, so I told him to meet me at O’Donnell’s since I could walk there. Why I hadn’t even thought that Josh could be working might have made me the most clueless person on the planet, but I wasn’t thinking straight.

  And to make matters worse, I wasn’t paying attention when I walked into the pub since I was texting Casey. I ran smack into something hard and looked up to see Josh staring down at me.

  “Oh, sorry,” I mumbled when he stepped back. They were the first words I’d spoken to him since Saturday night.

  “Hey,” he said, softening just a little. “Did you come by to talk?”

  Ah, not really.

  “I have a date,” I said, guiltily.

  “With who?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

  “Alex,” I mumbled.

  Josh rolled his eyes. “Did you stay with him on Saturday night?”

  “Yes,” I said, biting my lip.

  “Fantastic. Take a seat at the bar, and I’ll be right with you,” he said, obviously annoyed with me. He was switching into bartender mode.

  “You’re bartending?”

  “Yeah. Vanessa called in sick, so I’m filling in until seven when Deanna comes in.”

  “Oh, okay,” I said, unsure of what I really wanted to stay. Josh serving Alex and me was just awkward.

  I took a seat at the bar and watched him walk into his office and return a few minutes later.

  “Here,” Josh said, as I glanced at my watch and then up at the dirty martini he’d placed in front of me. “Is he late?”

  I stiffened my shoulders. “We didn’t specify an exact time.”

  Yeah, he was late.

  Josh’s jaw went rigid, but he didn’t say anything. He just leaned against the bar and asked me about my day. I was glad he wasn’t rehashing our argument from Saturday night, so I talked to him until Alex walked in twenty minutes later. We weren’t back to normal, but we definitely weren’t fighting, so that was a relief.

  When he saw Alex, Josh gave me a look that reeked of disapproval, but he didn’t make any sarcastic comments. He just moved away and gave me my space which I though was nice of him.

  Alex smiled widely when he saw me and pulled me into a hug.

  “Damn, you smell incredible,” he said, as he held me at arm’s length, and looked me up and down before he looked back up at my face. “You are literally killing me with that outfit.” He shook his head.

  I knew he would like it. The jeans I’d worn were tight enough to show off my bottom line assets, and the top hugged my tiny waist and accentuated, as much as it could, the boobs I really didn’t have.

  I put my hand on his cheek. “If you’re good, maybe you’ll get to see what’s under this outfit,” I said seductively.

  He put both his hands on my waist and pulled me toward him so I was standing between his legs. He looked me right in the eye. “I sincerely hope so,” he said, and I could feel the fire that was between us.

  I leaned down and kissed him longer than I might have in a public place, but I wanted to give him just the smallest of previews. Then I pulled away quickly and plunked myself back down on my stool, smiling wickedly at the look that I’d left on his face.

  He leaned over to me. “You are seriously bad.”

  “I know,” I said, as I took the last sip of my martini. At the other end of the bar, I watched as Josh took note and started to make me another one.

  Even though things between us were still strained, he was being sweet, so I knew we’d be okay.

  “Do you want to get some appetizers?” Alex asked, picking up the food menu that was in front of him.

  “Sure.” I realized I was starving.

  Josh plunked down my new drink but didn’t say anything.

  “Josh,” Alex said, as he reached his hand out. “How’s it going, man?”

  “Hey Ex, it’s good,” Josh said, his jaw tight. “What’ll you have?”

  “I’ll have a Crown and Coke, man. Thanks,” he said, as he started to slide off his barstool, “and whatever apps Taylor wants. I have to take a wiz.”

  Josh watched him walk away in disbelief. He turned back to me, shaking his head. “Taylor, he is such a douchebag. Come on! Who tells a girl he’s on a date with that he has to take a wiz? You could seriously do so much better.”

  I knew he wasn’t trying to start an argument, but he wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

  �
�I like him, okay?”

  “And I wish you didn’t.”

  With that he walked away to make Alex’s drink and order the appetizers I didn’t have to tell him I wanted. He knew what I liked.

  When Alex came back, we talked and drank and snacked for the next hour while Josh refilled our drinks but kept his distance. It wasn’t until we decided to leave, after Alex kept hinting at how close my house was, that Josh finally spoke to us again.

  “Where are ya’ll headed?” he asked, as he handed Alex his credit card receipt to sign.

  “Oh, um, I think we’re going to watch a movie in my room,” I said, knowing Josh would see right through me, and hopefully he’d get the hint and not come home right away.

  “Yeah, okay,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Have fun with that.”

  Alex didn’t seem to catch Josh’s tone. He just raised an eyebrow at him. “Thanks man, we will.”

  “Hey, Swift,” Josh called after me.

  I turned around to face him, waiting for him to make some snarky comment. “What?”

  He smirked at me. “You still haven’t told me your answer.”

  “About what?” I asked, as Alex put his arm around me territorially. He was threatened by Josh, and I wondered why.

  Josh threw the rag he was using to wipe down the bar over his shoulder and walked over to us. He smiled coyly at me. “I think we’d be great together,” he said simply, his gaze never leaving mine. “Don’t you?”

  “Uh,” I said, not sure what he was talking about. Alex’s arm pulled me closer to him. “What do you mean?”

  Was Josh going to pretend to be my boyfriend again, because if so, he was choosing to do it with all the wrong guys. Maybe I needed to clarify my request.

  “Sure you do. We talked about a potential partnership last Friday when we got home from Champps.”

  Then he winked at me, and turned and walked away, leaving his vague, suggestive statement out there in the void.

  Panic flooded me as I recalled what we’d talked about that night. And apparently Josh did too. Then I remembered what happened right after he’d asked me to be his partner – which I hadn’t taken seriously, but apparently he hadn’t been joking. But either way, right after he’d asked me that, he’d kissed me and told me he loved me. That meant, if he remembered asking me to be his partner, he definitely remembered kissing me. And now he was apparently letting me know that he remembered it all.