“Hey Loki?”
“Yeah?” She looked back at me. I knew I was blushing, but my brain felt starved for blood regardless. I just hoped she couldn’t see it in the darkness.
“Um, I uh…”
Damnit…
“You ‘uh’ what?”
Dammit…
“I, uh, just wanted to tell you… I…” Terror closed my throat, I felt like I was going to faint.
“Tell me what?” She asked and tilted her head.
Dammit…
“I, uh…”
Dammit…
“I, uh, hope you have a good day tomorrow.” I wanted to bash my skull into the steering wheel, but she smiled.
“I’ll try, you too. Drive home safe, okay?”
“Okay, goodnight…”
“’Night Jimmy”
She closed the door, and when I knew she couldn’t hear me, I finally said the words that’d failed me. “I love you so damn much, you don’t even know.”
Despite the fear of losing her to some other suitor, I just couldn’t tell her what I felt for her. Though, she did present me with a tempting opportunity at prom. The hopeless romantic in me liked that idea a lot, especially since it bought the coward in me more time.
Chapter 19 – Lose Ends
Time moved in a surreal rush. There wasn’t enough time in the world to get ready for prom; which rushed at me like an angry linebacker. On the other hand, there were times when time couldn’t move fast enough. Fen’s killer was out there somewhere, and there were way too many lose ends.
I felt unnaturally exhausted by the end of the school the next day. I lucked out in World History, we just watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but American Government was a totally different story. Bo offered to help me study, in return for pumping my brain about werewolves and shifters. That was fine; I’d planned on it anyway.
After the final bell I slipped into the auditorium and disappeared into the shadows. After Mrs. Cartwright turned out the lights and walked out, my eyes shifted and I walked down the grayed out aisles.
I needed answers, and the veil couldn’t keep me from them anymore. I laid down on the stage and took a deep breath, and then closed my eyes and focused on the rhythm of my heart. Wolf stirred and we slipped deeper between worlds. The hum of the air vents dulled as everything shifted around me.
I opened my eyes and the room looked almost identical, but I felt the emotional imprint of the place. My empathy tuned in to the flowing stew of joy, sorrow, betrayal, and—there!
A lingering cold trace of despair wound toward the back of the stage and I slowly angled my head and looked back toward the cluttered piles of debris, stacked out of eyeshot on the stage. Corwin’s faint silhouette lacked the auric glow that surrounded Loki, the fire of life. I said his name, and he looked at me.
“Jimmy, what are you…” He cocked his head to the side, “H-how’d you cross over?”
“It’s a long story. Suffice to say I’ve learned a new trick, but if I move too much I’ll screw it up.”
He laughed and walked over, “Well whatever works.” He sat down next to me; “Not that I m-mind the visit, but… why are you here?”
“You promised to tell me everything, and this time we won’t be interrupted. I need your help. I need you to tell me what happened with the Pack, before I got here.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his black hair, “You’re a tenacious bastard, you know that?”
I smiled, “Let’s start with what happened to you?”
Corwin sighed, and his eyes twitched around the room as he thought. “After my mom and dad divorced, I met Fen and Loki in drama club. The hazing was bad, but it was nothing compared to the other kids, and they didn’t stop. Fen and Loki were the only ones who were nice to me.
“Fen thought I was the one ‘marked by Brother Raven’ in Lupa’s prophesy,” Corwin grabbed a handful of his hair, “He told me and Loki about shifters, and gawd did I want to be a part of that! My mom was so focused on her own shit she d-didn’t even notice me anymore; to her, I was just a weapon to use against my dad. So I virtually begged Fen to change me, I lied about dreaming I was a wolf, and eventually… he gave me what I wanted.” Corwin sighed and shook his head. “When Fen bit Loki and I, we started this Pack.”
“But it was all w-wrong… When I had my first dream shift, I… I was horrified! I was some stupid black bird! I was supposed to be a wolf ‘marked’ by Raven, not a f-freakin’ raven lock shock and barrel! So, I lied to them about it. Loki and I started dating, and Fen became distant. At the time, I thought it was my fault. Like he somehow knew the truth.
“I felt so ashamed, and I tried to become the wolf Fen I thought I should have been. I pushed so hard to be something I wasn’t until—something broke inside me. I thought I was losing my mind; I started shifting at the worst possible times, started having blackouts…”
“Cursed,” I whispered.
“Yeah… Nobody but F-Fen or Loki wanted anything to do with me, nobody ever knew when I’d do something strange, something—inhuman— I felt this wall between me and everyone, growing higher and higher until not even Fen and Loki could stand it anymore.
“I thought Fen was disappointed in me, but I guess he was disappointed in himself. Loki tried to stick with me, but… I had a blackout one day, and when I came back to myself Loki was covered in c-cuts and bruises and she was crying.” He swallowed hard and grimaced, “She told me it was over, she just couldn’t take it anymore. Her dad just about killed me too. I ran over to Fen’s house to ask for his help.”
I winced, “Oh, that was a bad move…”
“Tell me about it, I didn’t realize Fen loved her. When I told him what I’d done, Fen punched me, dragged me outside, and threw me off of his porch. Before he slammed the door in my face, he said, “I w-wish I c-could unmake you.”
Corwin went quiet and covered his face with his hands. I couldn’t make sense of my own anger, both at him for hurting Loki, and at Fen for hurting him. When he’d composed himself a little, he continued in a soft voice.
“I didn’t understand what had really happened. At the time I only heard what I wanted to hear. I never thought he was furious at himself for not being able to help me. I felt lost, abandoned… And so goddamned weary of forcing myself to live. The depression suffocated me, blinded me, it choked the very idea of hope out of me…”
I know that feeling…
“Before she left him, Mom stole my dad’s revolver, so I stole it from her. I carried it in my backpack all day, waiting for someone—God, Fen, anybody—to save me from myself. I walked around waiting for divine intervention, and then I went to the last place I felt happy, felt like I was wanted, and I hid in the Auditorium. Since I didn’t want to save myself—couldn’t think about anyone but myself—I put my father’s gun into my mouth and pulled the trigger…” We both shuddered as he remembered the sensation, and I felt the memory through him.
“No light opened for me. The anger still burned in me, the rage; I wanted them all to see what they’d made me do. It wasn’t until I watched them discover my body the next day that I realized what I’d done. My mother collapsed screaming when she identified my body. Loki wailed herself to sleep while her father spent every night awake on the couch wishing he could help her. And Fen… Fen almost followed me.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Fen put on a strong front for everyone, but when his mom worked late he would stare into his reflection in the bathroom and debate with himself which way he should cut his wrist, or his throat, or what kinds of pills his mom had and if it’d be enough to t-take him out.”
“Why did Fen want to kill himself?” I asked, and remembered the scar on his arm.
“Fen thought he’d stolen my life, and didn’t deserve his own anymore. When I tried to reach him in his sleep I scared him so bad that he almost did it, but as soon as the blade broke his skin he freaked. He realized just how close he came and panicked. He tried to find
something to hold on to, an anchor to keep him here.”
“That was when he asked Loki out, wasn’t it?” I asked.
“Yeah, the v-very next day. She had no idea, of course, and shot him down.” Corwin continued, “Fen never told Loki the truth; he just let her hate him. He thought he deserved to live in misery because of what he did to me.
“I was terrified Fen would repeat my mistake, but a new kid transferred in, an outcast like I was. Since Loki refused to anchor him, Fen turned him.”
“Geri?”
“Yeah, the poor guy never had a chance; he walked into an emotional shitstorm. Fen took all his anger and hurt out on him. But it still wasn’t enough and time after time I watched Fen tear at his hair and scream in silence until I thought his heart would rupture. You asked me before if it was unfinished business. Well, there it is. I have to apologize to them. I have to let Fen know that I don’t blame him.”
“Then what are you going to do now?” I asked quietly.
“How do you mean?”
“With Fen—gone—are you still bound here? Or are you free to go?”
He sighed again, “I don’t know…” He hung his head, “Truthfully, I haven’t tried to leave yet. I won’t until I know you and Loki are safe.”
“Safe from what? Do you know who killed Fen?”
“I’m sorry Jimmy, I don’t know who did it. When I helped you protect your brother, it exhausted me. I haven’t been able to leave this stage since then.”
“Wait, then that wasn’t you I heard at Fen’s funeral?”
Corwin shook his head. “No, I’ve been trapped in here since then. But, I’ve caught scattered thoughts through the veil. Whoever killed Fen is still out for blood, and more fixated on you than ever.”
“Wait—me?” I blurted.
“Yes, you. Your face was f-fixed in his mind.” My mind reeled; I couldn’t think of anyone who wanted to kill me either. Jack, maybe, but he’d been in prison when Fen was killed. “Whoever it was, they seemed familiar for some reason, but I haven’t felt anything for a while now, so I don’t know if they’ve given up, or just moved away.” Geri had moved away…
“I d-don’t know, it’s not like there’s anything I can do,” Corwin continued, “but I can’t just s-st-stand by. You’re a strange creature Jimmy Walker, at first I resented you for being what I should have been, but now I want to protect you like you were my own brother.” He shook his head and laughed humorlessly.
“We were both born to the same Pack weren’t we? Just ‘cause you’re a bird—and dead—doesn’t mean you’re not my Pack-brother.”
Corwin’s smile was bittersweet. “I wish Fen had seen like that,” he stood and nodded at me, “you don’t have much time before the janitor makes his rounds. I’ll see you around Jimmy, be careful.”
“Thanks, see ya Corwin.” He dissolved from view as I stood, and I rubbed the sore muscles in my back. I wished I could do more to help him, and then I turned and walked away as I stitched the pieces together.
I’d hoped Corwin would have answers, not more questions.
Mom made me drive her to Colorado Springs to buy me a new suit since none of my old dress clothes fit anymore. I almost had a conniption fit when I saw the total.
“You can use a good suit for more than just this one dance,” she said with steel in her voice. “Since you’re refusing to go to college yet, you can use this in your job interviews. We’re investing in you.”
My mother was the queen of subtle guilt-trips.
I shut my mouth. I was still upset but her point was valid, so I thanked her as we walked back to the car. All that remained of the day was a blue aura over the mountains, the stars already clear overhead.
Bo and I studied after school the next day, or rather, he pumped my brain about werewolves while I ganked his notes. My brain was not happy with me for switching back and forth so many times between American Government and Shifting 101.
“Hey, what’s this word?”
He leaned over to check where my finger pointed, “Corruption.”
“Your ‘R’s look mutated…”
“Just keep talkin’…”
I rolled my eyes. “Finally, there are the supposed physical shifts. Some exhibit almost superhuman, berserker-like strength and speed; and then there is also the supposed full physical shift where your flesh actually transforms into the body of a wolf.”
“But that’s just myth right? You don’t really believe that’s possible do you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, and frowned, “you decide what you believe. Any physical shifter who expected to survive wouldn’t advertise their ability, not even to others of their own kind. I wouldn’t even expect them to socialize with others if they held a secret like that.”
“Wow, so where do you fit into all that?”
“My Pack was—is—something of an oddity. Judging from what I’ve learned from books and the Internet; we sorta skirt the line of what’s ‘normal’ for other shifters. Most therianthropes don’t have as many psychic quirks as we do, and they don’t feather the lines between phenomena as much.
Fen’s eyes were amber twenty-four-seven. That wasn’t their natural color, but he wasn’t always shifted, he and his inner wolf were just very integrated with each other. We’ve all tapped into some of that berserker strength and speed, sometimes with a light mental shift. Also… No other pack has ever mentioned anything about a patron spirit, much less a territory in the spirit world. Yet we always have.”
“So what if I asked to join your pack?”
I laughed. “I’d say ‘Wait your turn, pup’. You need to prove yourself before I’ll even consider changing you.” Which wasn’t entirely true, but he didn’t need to know that.
“So how does the change work? Is a bite like in the movies? Or is it more of a ritual, like in the old legends?”
I shook my head smiling, “Sorry, that’s all for today!”
“Bastard…” He glowered at me and snatched his notes back, even though I’d already memorized them, “Who the fuck would I tell? You and Loki are the only people who still talk to me anymore. I don’t even have anyone to tell about this.” He picked up a manila mailer envelope and tossed it at me. I slid a stack of papers out and glanced at the first page.
Letter of Acceptance; University of Colorado College of Arts and Sciences.
“Oh my God Bo, you got in!” I shouted and tackled him with a huge bear hug while he laughed. “Congratulations! What are you gonna study?”
“I’m thinking cultural anthropology.”
“Sounds right up your alley.” I grinned with him, and tried to ignore the small worm of envy that squirmed inside me.
You chose your road, now you have to follow it. It’s too late to change your mind, just be happy for him.
Bo helped me study through the week. School reached a meltdown point of stupidity. The halls were filled with bragging gossiping half-wits obsessed with dresses and limos and who was taking so-and-so. Of course, my exhaustion didn’t help my foul mood at all.
Every night, instead of sleeping, I practiced phasing into the Lowerworld. I looked everywhere I could, exhausting myself night after night in the hunt for Fen’s spirit. Desperate to find him, I journeyed to our Pack’s lake and howled.
Fen didn’t answer, but Lupa did, and she met me on the lakeshore.
“Lupa, please, do you know where Fen is? Have you seen him?”
“No Jimmy,” she answered and my ears drooped, “but I’m not the one you should be asking either…”
A shadow crossed the moon as Raven flew over the water and plopped down on the shore beside us with a dignified ‘klok’.
I sat down on my haunches and looked at him, “Um, Brother Raven, can you help me fi—”
“Your friend never came here,” Raven cut me off in mid-question. “So, sorry kid, I can’t help you find him.”
“Well, where else could he go?” The thought of Fen’s soul dissolving into nothing, trapped in som
e nowhere land filled me with dread.
Raven answered with an indignant fluff of his feathers, “Jimmy, every afterlife ever imagined exists within this world. From Heaven and Hell, to Valhalla and Hades. Believe me, if your friend were in any of them, I would know. So use your head kid, where do you think he is?”
Raven hopped up and pecked me hard in the center of my forehead, slamming me back into my body. “Oww! You’ve got to be kidding me…” I moaned as I held my pounding head. At least now I knew where Fen wasn’t.
Fen never crossed the veil. He was still here somewhere…
After school, I drove Loki home. As she let me inside, she seemed to remember something, “Hey, did you get an email from Geri?”
“No, why?”
“He wrote me a couple days ago. He said he was going to try and make it back down this weekend; right around Prom! I heard a few other ex-students are going to be there, I wonder if we could find a way to smuggle him into the dance. Didn’t Geri write you too?”
Doubts and suspicions stirred in the back of my mind as I shook my head.
“He didn’t? Weird.”
I stayed quiet until we were safe in Loki’s bedroom, “Hey Loki, can I talk to you about Geri? I feel weird even thinking this, but before he left I went over to Geri’s house. When he told me he was leaving, he also told me about how Fen used to treat him…”
Loki dropped her eyes as she sat down on her bed, “It was pretty bad… Whenever Fen lashed out, Geri was always in the line of fire. That was his ‘job’ in the Pack but…I wasn’t able to do much to help it.”
“Loki, I know about Corwin…” I whispered.
She flinched as though I’d slapped her. “What? Did Fen tell you?”
I shook my head and rubbed my temples. Even with her this was going to sound crazy, “Corwin and I have been uh… chatting since just before Halloween. He made me promise not to tell any of you about him though. He was trying to reach Fen through me—”
“He tried to use you to get his revenge on Fen?” she squawked, and I winced.
Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1) Page 28
