Healing Trace

by Kayn, Debra

  "Yes, but I'll never get tired of hearing you tell me." She wound her arms around his neck.

  He kissed her hair, her forehead, her cheek, and then her lips. She kissed him with all the love she had for him. The kiss deepened and brought them closer.

  She stared into his eyes. For several seconds she got lost in the depth of emotions she was seeing. She took a much-needed breath. "Make love to me."

  He took her hand and pushed it lower, between their bodies, so that her fingers could encircle his hardness. She gasped as she felt his heat.

  They made love unrushed. Joan ran her hands down Trace's chest, marveling at the way his body shifted with each move. She trailed her fingers along his collarbone, feeling his pulse beat and loving the way he came alive when they were together. His strength and control awed her.

  She moved against him, letting the heat and rush build inside of her until she couldn't stand it any longer. Her body convulsed around him, loving him, and in the back of her mind, she heard him call her name.

  Together, they lay entwined, unmoving. She kissed his neck and clung to him, afraid of what this week would bring, and if she'd be strong enough to walk away from the man that gave her everything. Over the last six weeks, she'd learned to love each one of the men on the Lakota Ranch for their uniqueness and friendship.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sequestered in the office with Devon and Brody, Joan stared at them in wonder. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she had to swipe them away in an effort to understand what they were telling her. What they were proposing was a dream come true, and an answer for Savannah and many other children on the reservation.

  "Although the clinic will run on volunteer services of others, your position is salaried. We'd also like to offer you an advance on your first paycheck, so you can bring your sister home. It'll be a month until the modular is set up and you can work from the reservation but in the meantime, you'll work offsite. We'll try to help you along the way. There's too much work for one person to begin the process of hiring people, filling out paperwork, and a whole string of hoops we'll have to jump through before we can open for business, we won't stick you with doing everything alone," Devon said.

  She accepted the tissue Brody passed her. "I can't believe how unselfish you all are, and how many people you will help."

  "Regardless about how we feel about how we were raised, we support our people and their way of life. I know it seems like we don't, after leaving the reservation, but we do more than anyone can understand…except for the three of us. Keeping the Lakota progressing as the world changes around us is imperative." Brody laced his fingers together behind his head. "Most of all, we don't want a child to ever feel they have no options the way Trace did growing up."

  "Oh God, Trace." She put her hand over her heart. "Does he know what you're doing?"

  Devon glanced at Brody before looking at her and smiling. "Yes. We've all talked it over and have agreed on how we'll approach the council and receive their full consent."

  She nodded. "This is beyond wonderful."

  "So, will you take the job?" Brody asked.

  "Of course, I'll take the job." She jumped up and hugged him. "Thank you."

  Working her way around the room, she hugged and kissed Devon and Brody. Never in her life, had she met such caring men. Her dad had been her hero, and she never thought anyone would compare to the love her father gave to others through being a sheriff of a small town, but these men ranked right up there with their love and support for their people.

  "Thank you, so much. I can't wait to call my sister." She squealed. "Katie's going to be beyond ecstatic. I also can't wait for her to meet each one of you on the ranch. She'll love you too."

  "How old is she again?" Devon wiggled his brows.

  "Seventeen, and much too young for you." Joan laughed. "You'd have to wait many years for her to grow up and finish school. And, thanks to you guys for thinking of me for this job, Katie can go to college and that's one more thing off my worry list."

  They left her to make the phone call to Katie and Aunt Sharon on her own. She cried as she explained the good news, and Katie could come home. By the end of the conversation, she and Katie had formulated the plan to have her ride the train into Durham on Monday. Aunt Sharon breathed a breath of relief, and confessed she had doubts if Joan would be able to live up to her promise. Ending the call, she felt better than ever. I did It, Dad. Katie and I are back together.

  There was one more, very important, person to thank and he was doing chores in the stables.

  ***

  Trace stood in the round pen near the rails, forcing Thunderbolt to run around him. Every hoof stomping loop the horse made gave Trace more confident that Thunderbolt understood what he was asking. Trace was prepared to go the long haul, and it was time Thunderbolt learned that he wouldn't back down and give up on him.

  The knowledge that he was risking injury to his leg or another part of his body didn't concern him. If he asked Thunderbolt to trust him, the trust must be returned in full.

  He'd made a mistake last time and became careless and impatient. He wouldn't do that this time. He'd promised Joan.

  He believed the animal was making enough progress and needed the challenge. The same kind of encounter Thunderbolt would find in the wild with a herd. But one thing bothered him.

  Something bigger was messing with Thunderbolt than homesickness for his herd and boredom. Whatever amount of time it took to figure out what Thunderbolt was telling him, he'd wait.

  Fifteen minutes later, Thunderbolt tired out and turned away to stand at the opposite side of the pen. Trace bowed his head and turned his back on the horse. He'd won.

  His patience paid off, and his success meant the next step in Thunderbolt's training could start. Not today, but tomorrow.

  He caught sight of Joan standing in the distance, her hand covered her mouth, and her other arm curled around her waist. His heart raced. Even from this distance, Trace could tell she'd been crying.

  He climbed the fence, and strode toward her. He'd left her smiling in the shower this morning. He couldn't imagine what could have caused her sadness, except something to do with her sister.

  He reached her and pulled her into his embrace. "What's happened?"

  "Nothing. Everything." She clung to him. "I thought you were waiting to work with Thunderbolt? You said you wouldn't get on the back of him until your leg was back to one-hundred percent. It's too soon."

  "I'm not riding him, not yet. Although, the longer I wait to work on the ground with him, the more time it'll take to get him back into the shape I had him before the accident. I'm fine, and Thunderbolt is doing surprisingly well for me today." He pulled off his glove, and tilted her chin. "Is that why you're crying? I'm fine. I'm only doing routine drills with Thunderbolt. I didn't mean to scare you."

  "I'm glad. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." She sniffled.

  He peered down into her face. "See, I'm all right. There's no reason to cry. I'm sorry for scaring you."

  She shook her head. "That's not the only thing that has me blubbering like an idiot this morning. Devon explained everything to me. I'm so excited, and still walking around pinching myself to make sure it's real. What you all are doing for Savannah is amazing. The clinic will be a dream come true for so many of the residents on the reservation."

  "I hope so. Not everyone will ask for help, but I'm glad there will be an option for the children and mothers available on site if they need help. They deserve to know someone cares, and there's somewhere safe they can go." He smoothed her hair back from her face.

  "It's wonderful." She hugged him and laid her cheek on his chest. "I've already called Katie and told her the good news. Right after I hung up, I purchased her a train ticket. She'll be here Monday. I can't wait until you meet her. She's going to like you. Unlike me, she loves horses and will probably bug you every chance she can to let her ride."

  "What?" He rubbed her shoulders. "You're
going too fast for me to understand. You found a job?"

  She laughed. "Yes! Of course I did."

  "That's great." He picked her up and kissed her. "Where at?"

  "At the new non-profit clinic on the reservation. Don't act as if you don't know. Devon and Brody told me you already knew they were going to ask me. I can't believe you kept it a secret." She brushed at the front of his shirt. "Devon and the others assured me I was up to the job. I wasn't sure at first, because I've never worked at an administration level, but I want to do this. I can't think of a better way to put my nursing degree to work. I'll be able to help Savannah and all the children who need help. Devon said they'd have a safe room where they can heal and receive assistance. There will be no more sleeping in abandoned houses."

  He dropped his arms and turned around. God dammit. I told them not to ask her.

  Anger, red-hot fury, boiled inside of him and he wanted to strike out at Devon for going behind his back. His muscles constricted, and he balled his hands into fist. No way in hell will I allow her to risk her life working with abusers and addicts.

  Joan grabbed his wrist. He twisted out of her grasp, flinging his arm. His chest heaved and he had to force his voice past the pain pressing down on him.

  "Trace," she whispered on an exhale.

  "I don't want you working in the clinic."

  She stepped forward. "Why not? Don't you see how wonderful this will be for Savannah and the other children? It'll give me a full time job to support Katie too. She can go to school and finish her senior year. It solves everything. I won't have to worry about losing the apartment when money gets too tight, and I'll be able to set aside extra cash so Katie can go to college like my dad wanted her to do."

  He crossed his arms. "No. I don't want you working there."

  "You're serious." Her jaw dropped.

  "Hell yes, I am. It's not a place for someone like you." Trace reached out, but she stepped away.

  "You've said that before…comparing me to everyone else like I should sit up on a pedestal. I'm not special. I'm not afraid of helping others. That's why I'm a nurse, Trace. I enjoy making others feel better. In no way does that make me better than anyone else, and for you to insinuate I'm above you or your people makes me sick."

  He laughed, but the sound came out harsh and cruel even to his own ears. "Is that what I was to you? A poor Indian who needed healing? Well, you did your job. You've performed a fucking miracle!"

  "Trace—"

  "I think your job here is done. I've got a horse to train, and you can go work your magic on the next dumb Indian who falls for your bull shit." He walked off, leaving her in his past.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Joan held the door to her apartment open and scooted out of the way for Brody to enter. She kicked one of her bags of luggage out of the way. It was official. She was done with her job at the Lakota ranch and tomorrow, Katie would be coming home.

  "Thanks for bringing me home and contacting the electric company so I could have my power turned back on. I don't know how you did everything in such a short time, but I do appreciate what you've done for me today." She gazed around, not connecting with her own home. "I know the apartment doesn't make a big impression, but Katie and I don't need much. After my dad died, and with the funeral bill and my student loans, I couldn't keep paying the rent on the house my dad had us in outside of town…"

  "Joan." Brody laid his hands on her shoulders. "You don't have to explain. Remember, I grew up on a reservation, and the guys and I lived in a shack when we first bought the ranch. When it rained, it literally filled buckets around the room. This place is luxurious compared to what we started out with, and you shouldn't be embarrassed. The most important thing is you and your sister will be back together the way you wanted. That's all that matters."

  She nodded. "Thank you…for everything. I still feel funny taking the job, now that Trace hates me. Maybe you want to hire someone else?"

  She prayed he'd say no. Bringing Katie home depended on keeping this job. If she had to make sure she was never around when Trace wanted to come to the reservation, she'd do it.

  "Of course, we want you to work at the clinic. You're the perfect person for the job, and it doesn't matter if you're with Trace or not, the job is yours for however long you want it." He dug in his pocket. "I almost forgot. Here's the key to your new car. Devon followed your directions, and found you a reliable car with the wages you earned for the last six weeks."

  She took the keychain from him and stared down at her hand. The guys had rallied around her when she returned to the ranch house this morning in shock over Trace kicking her off the ranch. She swallowed hard. The friendships she'd created with everyone were dear and important to her and despite Trace's rejection, she didn't want to lose the other guys.

  "I guess I better get going. Devon's flying out tonight to meet a rancher down in Texas, and I told him I'd meet with the construction crew at the reservation at five while he's gone. They're delivering the modular to the reservation on Friday, and then the rest of the construction will begin afterward. We want to make sure everything goes off as planned. A couple more weeks, and the workers will branch off and build the rest of the rooms needed. We want to get you inside the office as soon as we can, so the people will get used to seeing you around." He gave her an extra-long hug.

  "Thank you so much." She laid her head on his chest, wishing it were Trace who held her tight. "Tell the others thank you from me. I'll never be able to pay you back for everything you guys have done for me, and for Katie."

  "We didn't do you a favor, sweetie. We knew Trace wasn't going to like us going behind his back and hiring you." He held her away from him. "After you think about it for a while, we're afraid you'll hate us for what we've done."

  "Then…he's your best friend. If you knew you were going to hurt him, why?" She frowned.

  "Joan, we've protected him long enough. He's healing. We've all noticed how much you've changed him. No one said personal growth was easy. He's going to get mad, he's going to hate us, and he's going to hurt. We can all love him enough that he doesn't have to love himself, but we're not doing him any favors by protecting him from his own demons." Brody kissed her cheek. "This is something Trace needs to do on his own. It's past time. We've protected him long enough."

  "I don't understand." She stared up into Brody's eyes. "Why can't he believe how much I love him?"

  "I don't know. Just don't give up on Trace. He's hurting, and trying to make sense of his feelings. It's natural for him to run when he's faced with circumstances that he can't control," he whispered. "That's what he's always done to stay alive."

  Long after Brody left, Joan crawled into bed lonelier than she'd ever been. She couldn't quit thinking about Trace. Everything she did, memories of him came swarming in. She'd even gone out and purchased groceries to fill the refrigerator, and found herself purchasing chocolate chip cookies and chocolate syrup in an attempt at achieving a restful night's sleep. Even Trace's special recipe didn't keep the dark doubts creeping into her thoughts.

  The knowledge of what transpired between them didn't coincide with what she knew about Trace. She'd felt how much she meant to him when she looked into his eyes, and when he touched her. There had to be something, some thought process behind his thinking she didn't know about. For all the education and training she'd gone through, none of the knowledge helped her understand what she was supposed to do next.

  He'd shown her a side of himself, she suspected even the guys hadn't seen. A gentler, kinder, and more sensitive side that he'd kept protected for his whole life. The way he cared for Savannah with such determination and gentleness, using the tools he knew would work, had worked in healing him. It wasn't her doing.

  The horses, his job as branding inspector, put him smack dab in the middle of life on the reservation, and he didn't realize how much of his childhood, his people, made up a huge part of his life. He'd ran away, found his safe spot in the world, and gave back
to the reservation more than he even knew.

  Moreover, he gave to her. His soft touch, his caring voice, and his respect had pleased her. Under all his anger, power, and hate, she'd received everything else he had to give, and it was more than enough for her. He made her happy.

  Tears dripped down Joan's cheeks. If only he could recognize how much he was worth her love. Together, they could get through anything. She closed her eyes. Maybe Brody was right, and it was up to Trace to believe and see his worth for himself.

  ***

  Trace's body sliced through the water. His lungs burned with pent up air. He pushed himself one more lap, even though he'd stopped moving his left leg three laps earlier.

  He needed the physical exhaustion, more than he needed to exercise his weak muscles. Maybe then, he could curb the anger festering inside of him.

  His hand scraped the side of the pool. He surfaced, shook his head, and pulled himself out of the water. Sitting on the edge, he caught his breath. The night Joan discovered his secret and he'd slapped her arm away burned in his mind.

  He could have hurt her. The anger he'd lived with his whole life burned deep inside of him, but his biggest fear that it'd come out and hurt the most important people in his life was always at the foremost of his thoughts.

  The way he'd reacted toward the news of Joan's job at the clinic proved what he had always known. He was just like his father. He had no control of his anger.

  Disgusted, he rose to his feet and walked toward the house. Goosebumps broke out along his wet skin, and he raised his gaze.

  Brody and Devon stood huddled together, blocking the sliding door. He picked up the towel, dried his face off, and continued toward the house. He had nothing to say to them.

  Their betrayal hurt him to the core, and he'd lost the security of knowing they always had his back. In the end, they chose to go against the one thing he asked them not to do and he couldn't forgive them.