Intent

by A. D. Justice

  We make a few laps around the pen together, change directions, and zigzag across the pen, while Ace, River, and Justin watch. But honestly, Frankie and I don’t even acknowledge their presence. They just fade into the background and we enjoy our time together, even if it is in a round pen instead of the open pasture. We stop at the end of the pen that overlooks the pasture and river below to just take in the scenery.

  Frankie places his muzzle against my arm and leaves it there, touching me. I’m so mesmerized by the sight and overwhelmed from the swell of emotion in my chest, that I’m just as startled as Frankie is when Ace approaches us from behind. Frankie suddenly jumps, every muscle in his immense body tenses, and his veins pop out. He jerks his head up and back, pulling the lead rope through my hand and leaving a slight rope burn in its wake.

  “Whoa,” Ace commands. His voice is low but stern. However, Frankie doesn’t seem to appreciate it. “I said, whoa!”

  “Whoa, boy.” I mimic his words, but I use the tone Frankie’s accustomed to hearing from me. I step in between Frankie and Ace and hold my hand out to him. Frankie lowers his head to me, but his gaze keeps darting between Ace and me. “It’s okay, buddy. I’m here with you.”

  “Unclip the lead rope from his halter,” Ace instructs. “Good, now hand it to me and open that gate in front of you so he can go graze.”

  Frankie trots out of the pen several yards and then he stops, turns to look at me, and our eyes lock. Is he waiting for me to follow him? “You can go now. You need to eat. It’s okay, Frankie,” I try to assure him. And myself.

  Ace closes the gate and Frankie neighs before he eventually trots off in search of the perfect blade of grass. My feet feel like they’re inside cement shoes because I can’t move. It’s possible that I’m still breathing, but I’m not positive. I’m experiencing the strangest mixture of feelings as I watch this majestic buckskin horse gallop across the field. Part of me is glad he’s able to run and enjoy his freedom. Another part of me wants him back by my side.

  The weight of multiple eyes staring at me settles on my chest and pulls me from the hypnotic trance Frankie had me under. A quick glance around me reveals that both Justin and Ace are watching me intently. Their gazes seem to penetrate my thoughts and I feel as transparent as glass, like I’m standing naked in an enormous picture window. It’s strange; I can stand in a courtroom full of people and argue a case. It’s no problem for me to confront the person across the table from me during a deposition. But under the scrutiny of these two men, I feel my bravado waning.

  “That was incredible! I think I’m in love with Frankie.” My smile covers my face, but even I don’t feel it past the surface level, so I doubt I’m fooling them. The silence was becoming way too uncomfortable for me to bear, though.

  “He seems to be very smitten with you, too. Should we expect wedding invitations soon?” Justin laughs good-naturedly.

  “We’ll see. He has to work for it, though. Can’t have him thinking I’m easy or desperate,” I counter jokingly. Half jokingly, anyway.

  “I think you should come by here more often and work with him. He doesn’t respond to anyone else the way he responds to you,” Justin suggests.

  “Justin,” Ace interjects, a slight warning in his tone.

  “Maybe after hours a couple of days a week after everyone else has gone home. We can play with River while Layne spends some time with Frankie,” Justin replies. “It’ll be a great way to help him acclimate to people.”

  “I’d like that.” I find myself agreeing to things without thinking them through more and more the longer I stay in this small, mountain town. “He’s really a good horse. I’d like to see him feel more comfortable around people.”

  “You don’t have to do this, Layne,” Ace says and cuts his eyes at Justin. “We don’t want to impose on you.”

  “It’s no imposition. I won’t bother you while you’re working. In fact, I can just go into the pasture with him and not have to bother you at all.” His obvious aversion to my being here shouldn’t sting…but it does.

  “The round pen is best, Layne,” Justin explains. “If he spooked in the pasture like he did today when Ace walked up to him in the pen, he would’ve been long gone. This way makes it safer for you and him.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure,” I agree. “River, are you ready to go? We should let them get back to work now.”

  “Can we go play in the water now?” she asks and her eyes widen animatedly.

  “Yes, we’ll go play in the water now,” I agree. Her excitement is contagious, and I’m ready to take a dip in the cool water myself. “Tell them good-bye.”

  “Bye, Daddy,” she says sweetly and kisses him on the cheek.

  “I’ll see you later, baby. Be good for Layne,” Ace replies then kisses her back.

  She leans over toward Justin and wraps her arms around his neck. “Bye, Uncle Justin.”

  “Bye, Squirt. Come back and see me soon.”

  Ace walks us to my Jeep and secures River in her seat. “Layne, what you did with Frankie today…” His voice trails off for a second and he shakes his head, gathering his thoughts. “He needs you, there’s no doubt about that. Justin kind of put you on the spot back there. You came here for a reason, and it wasn’t for free labor to help us. And Layne, if you thought I meant I didn’t want you here, that wasn’t it at all.”

  “Ace, I appreciate that, but if I didn’t want to do it, I have no problem saying no. Honestly, I want to spend time with him and help him if I can.”

  What I don’t say is he’s helping me every bit as much as I’m helping him.

  Chapter Eight

  ACE

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I growl out as I advance on Justin.

  “What are you talking about?” He has the nerve to look at me like I’m crazy.

  “You know exactly what I mean, dickhead. Observing her without telling her what you’re doing? That’s completely fucking unethical, man.”

  A slow smile crawls across Justin’s face until the white of his teeth blind me. “I’m hurt,” he lies. “I can’t believe you’d think that about me.”

  “You just proved it to me. I wouldn’t have believed it before now!” I yell at him.

  “I’m not observing her, Ace. I asked her to do this for two reasons. First and foremost, Frankie needs her if he’s ever going to get past this fear of being abused again. His connection to her is strong, and she can help to slowly start introducing other people to him,” Justin explains.

  “And the second reason?” I demand.

  “Secondly, you and River need her just as much as Frankie does,” he replies solemnly. “At least Frankie and River realize it, though.”

  “So, what, you expect me to believe you’re playing matchmaker now?”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve tried to fix you up with someone since Margot…”

  “Don’t. Don’t even bring her name up,” I warn. I’m already on edge, and hearing her name only makes it worse.

  “Give Layne a chance. River already loves her, and it doesn’t take a psychology degree to see you’re more than a little interested in her.”

  “Don’t you have work you need to do?” I retort and change the subject.

  “Everyone is a work in progress, and that doesn’t end until you die. You’re only stuck in a rut if you want to be. For as long as you want to be.”

  With that little tidbit of wisdom, Justin strolls off to prepare for the next client. The rest of my day is spent in silent reflection unless I’m forced to speak to someone. He’s right about one thing. I’ve kept myself locked in this rut for several years now and only I can get myself out. Some parts of my life are exactly as I envisioned them when I was younger, but the parts that don’t fit with my vision are the most important parts.

  As much as I’ve put River first in everything, maybe I’ve also kept her from having everything she needs. Not intentionally. But in my attempt to keep her from ever being hurt, I’ve
also kept her from ever being fully loved. This realization hits me hard and knocks the breath from me. Scenes of Layne and Frankie together flash before my eyes and make me realize the same need to feel loved that resides deep inside both of them also resides in my daughter. She just hasn’t reached the acute level that Layne and Frankie have. Yet.

  “Why is this so hard?” I complain aloud.

  “What?” Justin asks from behind me.

  “Being a parent,” I hedge. “Knowing the right thing to do so you don’t screw your kid up for life.”

  “The truth is you can take every precaution to avoid making the mistakes your parents made. The reality is you’ll make all new mistakes that your kid can then avoid when she has kids of her own. It’s all inevitable, man. We’re human. We’re flawed from birth.”

  “That doesn’t help me at all.”

  “Make the best decisions, the best choices, with the knowledge you have at the time. That’s the best any of us can do.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I reply absently as his words sink in.

  With the windows down, I drive home and let the warm air fill the cab. The sweet scent of honeysuckle calms my thoughts, and the sounds of katydids and frogs take me back to a simpler time. By the time I reach my house, I’m bursting with pent-up energy and newfound ideas.

  “Daddy!” River runs to me and I scoop her soaking wet body up in my arms. “You’re late.”

  “I am not,” I chuckle. “How would you know anyway? You can’t even tell time yet.”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugs her little shoulders and giggles. “It just feels like you’re late.”

  “What have you been up to?”

  “Swimming in the river with Laynie.” She points toward the water.

  Layne is standing a few feet away, watching us with somewhat of a sad smile on her beautiful face. As much as she tries to hide it, she’s melancholy more often than she’s truly happy. The man I’ve hidden away for the last few years wants nothing more than to be the reason why she’s happy again. Convincing her to take a chance on me, to trust me, will be a completely different challenge.

  “I talked to your Aunt Lily on my way home. She’s going to take you to watch the inner tube race this weekend. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

  “Yes!” River squeals. “Are you in it?”

  “Well, that’s something I want to talk to Layne about.” I smile as my eyes meet Layne’s. “What do you say, Layne? Want to be my partner in the race Saturday?”

  “Say yes, Laynie. Say yes!” River encourages. I can always count on my daughter to be on my side.

  Layne’s hands lift slowly until they’re in fists at her hips. Her chest rises and falls at a quicker rate than before, but she disguises it by holding every third breath in for an extra count. Her eyes narrow at the corners and silently ask me what the hell I think I’m doing. But I can see past her false bravado, the brave front she shows to everyone else. What she really wants to know is if she can trust me.

  “It’s a lot of fun,” I say as I put River down. “This is the first year they’ve had the race with doubles.” I purposely don’t say couples because she’d spook worse than Frankie does. “It should be interesting to see how it works out.”

  River is jumping up and down, tugging on one of Layne’s hands that she managed to pry free from her hip. Layne takes a deep breath and puts on her best smile. “Sure. Let’s win a race.”

  I don’t comment on her lack of enthusiasm at spending a day on the water with me. I don’t mention that she doesn’t seem to honestly want to be in this race. I won’t bring up that my daughter and I have essentially coerced her into agreeing to spend time with me yet again. She agreed, and I will take that and run as far with it as I can.

  “I’ll sign us up for it tomorrow. You’ll love it, I guarantee it.”

  “Yes, I’m sure I will,” she nods and purses her lips. “Well, I’d better get going now. I have a few errands to take care of myself.”

  “See you tomorrow, Layne,” I reply as she starts to walk off.

  She turns to look at me one last time, and the vulnerability in her eyes seems to physically grab me. “Bye, Ace,” she half whispers.

  Fifteen minutes later, I’m about to put River in the bathtub when there’s a knock on my door. “Who could that be?”

  “Maybe Laynie came back.”

  “I doubt that,” I answer. But that’s exactly what I’m hoping, too. When I open the door, I find my sister on the other side. “Hey, sis, what’s up?”

  “Aunt Lily!”

  “Hey, Squirt,” Lily says as she scoops River up to hug her.

  “Since I’m off work tomorrow, I thought I’d come get River tonight and she can spend the weekend with me. We haven’t had a girls’ weekend in a long time,” Lily explains. “What do you say, River?”

  “Yay!” she screams. Loudly.

  “I think that’s a yes.” I squint and plug my ear with my finger, trying to restore hearing to my busted eardrum.

  “You pack her clothes and toys for a long weekend while I give her a bath,” Lily laughs. “We’ll be out of your hair in no time.”

  One thing I’ve learned in my thirty years is I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. If my sister wants to take her niece for the weekend, who am I to stop her? While Lily and River make a mess of the bathroom with bathtub swimming lessons, I pack River’s princess suitcase with every piece of clothing and every toy she could possibly need over the next couple of days. It’s not like my sister doesn’t live a few houses down from me, on the same street even, if she were to need anything else.

  “Okay, she’s all clean and dressed in her jammies,” Lily laughs. “We’ll be in the tent if you need us.”

  “The one in your living room?” I laugh and shake my head. My sister wouldn’t sleep in a tent outside if her life depended on it.

  “Of course. It’s much more comfortable to camp with air conditioning, TV, and a fully stocked kitchen,” she replies dryly.

  “Be good for Aunt Lily,” I tell River before kissing her goodnight. “I’ll see you at the race Saturday.”

  “Okay, Daddy. I love you.”

  My heart melts every time she says it. “I love you, baby.”

  Fifteen minutes after they leave, I’m approaching Layne’s front door, intent on spending more time with her tonight. Somehow. I don’t have an excuse to see her, so I’ll have to go with complete honesty. I simply want to see her, spend time getting to know her better, and learning more about what makes her tick.

  “What are you doing here, Ace?” Layne asks before I can knock.

  My head jerks to the side and I find Layne lying on a blanket in the yard, looking up at the darkening sky. “What are you doing out here, Layne?”

  “Relaxing, waiting for the stars and the fireflies to come out.”

  “Lightning bugs,” I correct.

  “What?”

  “In the South, they’re called lightning bugs.”

  She laughs. “Fair enough. I’m waiting for the stars and the lightning bugs to come out.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  She only hesitates for a few seconds. Progress. “Not at all. Pull up some ground.” She moves over to give me room to join her on the blanket. “Where’s River?”

  “My sister picked her up for a long weekend of doing girly stuff.”

  “I’m sure River will love that, since she’s all prim and proper, you know.”

  This makes me laugh. My little tomboy is anything but prim and proper. “Yeah, but my sister is a girly-girl, so she’ll bribe River into doing things her way.”

  “River does have a way of getting adults to bend to her will, though.”

  “Do you do this often? Lie on the ground outside, counting stars?”

  “Since I’ve been here, I do. If I did it in—” She hesitates. “Back home, someone would step on me and keep walking without looking back. Besides, the city lights outshine the stars.”

 
; “Doesn’t sound like somewhere I’d want to go back to.”

  “It’s definitely different than Oak Grove. It’s not all bad. It has some great perks.”

  “Yeah? Then why’d you leave?” Without even looking at her, I can feel the tension radiate off her, wave after wave. “You can trust me, Layne. I think deep down you already know that.” I keep my voice soft and my tone hopeful.

  “I walked in on my boyfriend, my first love, my first everything, in bed with my best friend,” she replies robotically. “Before I left his apartment, she told me she’s pregnant with his baby.”

  “Wow. I’m sorry, Layne. That must have been brutal on you.”

  “I’d been trying to get pregnant for two years,” she confides in me. “I’ve wanted a baby so badly, but I can’t get pregnant. My former best friend sleeps with my former boyfriend and is already pregnant within three months. How am I supposed to deal with that?”

  I turn to look at her and notice the empty bottle of wine on the ground beside her. The reason why she’s suddenly opening up is now crystal clear. My only concern is that she’ll regret telling me everything tomorrow when she realizes it.

  “Layne, everyone in this town who has met you is already in love with you. So many people, of all ages, have sung your praises to me. If your ex-boyfriend was that fucking stupid, he doesn’t deserve you. And you sure as hell don’t deserve what they did to you.”

  She slowly turns her head to look at me. Our eyes meet and I know she wants to believe me, but she doesn’t quite believe in herself. We’re so close that our noses almost touch, and I know if I don’t kiss her right this second, my moment will never come again. She’s been drinking and I don’t want to take advantage of that fact, but her plump lips are begging me to make them mine when they part. My eyes drop to her mouth as her tongue darts out to moisten her lips. The sweet scent of strawberry wine on her breath is an aphrodisiac to my senses.