Hear Me Out, And Try Not To Laugh

by Ao Jyumonji

  For Haruhiro’s group, Haruhiro would take point, followed by Kuzaku the tank, Ranta, Shihoru, Merry, and Yume in that order.

  Haruhiro, Tokimune, Shihoru, Inui, and Yume would each carry lanterns at the front, middle, and rear of the group, maintaining the minimum necessary level of light.

  Once their marching order was determined, Tokimune headed right into the hole. “Well, let’s get a move on.”

  “W-W-Wait, Tokimune-san, that’s not...” Haruhiro hurried after him. It looked like the man really had no intention of holding back.

  The hole went straight. For now, it was just a hole. They didn’t sense anything living in it. There didn’t seem to be anything there.

  They continued for maybe fifteen, twenty meters like that. Then they hit a wall.

  “Oh,” Tokimune kicked the wall in front of them lightly, as if pushing it with his foot. “Looks like the path splits here, huh.”

  “You’re right.” Haruhiro moved the lantern left, then right. “Right or left, huh.”

  “Which do you prefer, Haruhiro?” Tokimune asked.

  “Come again?”

  “Right or left?”

  “Huh? We’re splitting up?” Haruhiro asked.

  “Huh? Why wouldn’t we? After we were lucky enough to find a fork in the road?”

  “Err...” said Haruhiro.

  I don’t understand. Haruhiro wasn’t tired at all, but he rubbed his eyes. This guy’s thought process, or mode of thinking, or whatever it is, I don’t get it. I can’t keep up. If we have two parties working together, wouldn’t it be better not to split up? If we all stick together, it’s got to be safer that way.

  “It’s gotta be left!” Ranta shouted. “Left is the one that suits me best! I’m sure of it!”

  I don’t understand him, either. Haruhiro had no idea why left would suit Ranta better. Not that he cared.

  “Gotcha.” Tokimune gave him a thumbs up. “We’ll go right, then.”

  The words had scarcely left his mouth before Tokimune and the Tokkis headed down the right-hand path. One of them was even humming a little tune.

  It’s probably the glasses-wearing Tada, Haruhiro thought. Yeah, he looks sane, but he’s a weirdo, too. His history as a warrior-turned-priest was kind of weird already...

  “Let’s go, too!” Ranta bellowed.

  Ranta was in high spirits. Or, to be precise, only Ranta was in high spirits.

  Haruhiro sighed. I bet I’ll set a new record for number of sighs today. No, not that I’ve ever counted, he thought.

  “We’re going to advance cautiously,” he told his party.

  “I’m in favor of that,” Kuzaku said.

  “I’m against it! Against! Against, you hear!” Ranta hollered.

  Ranta, shut up, Haruhiro thought.

  “It’s fine takin’ it nice and slow,” said Yume. “Right, Shihoru? Merry-chan?”

  “...Yeah,” said Shihoru.

  “I’d say so,” Merry agreed.

  “Majority is in favor, then,” Haruhiro said, sighing to get himself back in the right mindset. “Ranta, shut up for a bit.”

  “No way,” snapped Ranta. “I’d sooner die than be quiet, scum.”

  “Yeah, whatever...” Haruhiro muttered.

  Paying him no further mind, Haruhiro used Sneaking to progress down the left path. The lanterns were his only source of light. When it was this dark, he relied more on his ears than his eyes. It seemed like Ranta at least understood that much, so he didn’t open his mouth.

  It’s three meters across, the same as before, Haruhiro thought. Two meters tall, too. That’s about the same. I wouldn’t quite call the ground smooth; it’s bumpy, but not enough that it makes it hard to walk. The walls are like that, too.

  This isn’t a naturally formed hole. It’s clear that someone dug it out. That means there must be something in here.

  The path is gently curving to the right now...

  “Boo!” Ranta-the-idiot suddenly shouted.

  “Eek!”

  “Mrrrow?!”

  “Eep!” shrieked Shihoru.

  The girls all screamed, causing Ranta to laugh like an idiot.

  “Gwohyehhyehhyeh. Don’t be a bunch of chickens!”

  “G-Geez!” Yume cried tearfully. “That was really startlin’! Stupid! Stupid Ranta!”

  “If only he’d just die,” Shihoru muttered in a frightening tone.

  “O light, may Lumiaris’s divine protection be upon you...” Merry made the sign of the hexagram. “Lay a curse on Ranta.”

  “Like that’d even work! I’m totally fine!” Ranta declared with a cackling laugh.

  “I have to respect the guy, in a way,” Kuzaku said, smiling just a little.

  “Wait, hold on...” Haruhiro said, sighing. “Ranta, just summon Zodiac-kun. You’re useless—no, worse than useless—at this stuff, but Zodiac-kun’ll at least tell us if there’s something coming. ...If it feels like it, that is.”

  “What’s with the condescending attitude?” Ranta demanded. “Beg me to do it. ‘Please summon Zodiac-kun, Ranta-sama, I’m begging you.’ Bow your head and say it like that.”

  “If Zodiac-kun were here, we wouldn’t be needin’ you,” said Yume. “Little wonder you don’t want to summon it. Since it renders your existence meaningless, and all.”

  “As if,” Ranta snapped. “Fine. If you’re gonna be so insistent, why don’t I summon it? Let me tell you, though. Zodiac-kun’s no more than a part of me, and it’ll only do as I say. If you want Zodiac-kun to do any work, you’d better do as I tell you to. You got that, you losers? —O darkness, O Lord of Vice, Demon Call!”

  In front of Ranta, something like a blackish, purplish cloud appeared. The clouds whirled into a vortex, taking on a familiar shape. It had a form like a person with a purple sheet thrown over their head, with two holes for eyes. Beneath them, there was a gash-like mouth. In its right hand there was something like a carving knife, while in its left hand it held a club-like object.

  Dread knight Ranta’s demon familiar, Zodiac-kun, had been much cuter in its previous incarnation. Even if it was no Anna-san, it had been mascot-like.

  Zodiac-kun had changed when Ranta had accumulated enough vice. Now, the demon’s form was more human, and it had legs that were strangely detailed, complete with thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and feet, despite it floating all the time. Honestly, it was adorably gross, or maybe just gross.

  “...Kehe... Kehehehe... Don’t call me, Ranta, you turd... Suffer for a thousand years and then die...”

  “What, that’s what I get right off the bat?!” Ranta screamed.

  Weird as Zodiac-kun looked, it was always quick to insult and put down Ranta, which Haruhiro and the others enjoyed seeing.

  “We’re counting on you, Zodiac-kun,” Haruhiro called out.

  Zodiac-kun nodded its head without responding. The demon made a policy of not talking to anyone but its dread knight, apparently.

  “Wahahaha,” Ranta laughed at that. “You got ignored. Take that!”

  “...Ehehe... Ehe... Haruhiro...” the demon cackled.

  “Huh?” Haruhiro said. It was the first time the demon had called him by name, so he was surprised. When he looked back, Zodiac-kun was turned to face Haruhiro.

  “...You live... Kehe... Kehehehehehe... Ranta can die... Kehehehehe...”

  “Gauuun!” Ranta made a strange sound effect. That one must have shocked him pretty badly.

  “Zodiac-kun, you’re a good kid!” Yume rushed over and rubbed Zodiac-kun’s back.

  “...Kehe... Kehehehehe... Kehe... Kehehehe...” Zodiac-kun was trying to turn its face away from Yume, but it seemed happy.

  “...D-D-Damn it...!” Ranta had fallen to the ground and was gnashing his teeth. “Zodiac-kun’s supposed to belong to me, and me alone! You’re not the Zodiac-kun I know anymore!”

  “...Ehehe... Ranta...”

  “What, Zodiac-kun...? It’s a little late! I don’t want to hear you beg for my forgiveness!”

>   “...Look... Kehehe... They like me... Kehehehe... Unlike you...”

  “Guaughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...?!” Ranta wailed.

  Nice one, Zodiac-kun, Haruhiro thought. Zodiac-kun might be the only one capable of accurately landing attacks on Ranta’s psyche.

  Thanks to Zodiac-kun, Haruhiro felt a little better now. For all the abuse, though, the demon would do everything it could to protect Ranta sometimes. It seemed that the accuracy of the warnings it would whisper to Ranta when it sensed impending danger were increasing with his accumulated vice. Still, it was a capricious creature, so as long as they didn’t rely on it too much, it could be a big help.

  The path keeps curving to the right, Haruhiro thought as they moved forward. There’s no incline. The height and width haven’t changed. I don’t sense anyone else here.

  —No.

  Up ahead, I can see something.

  Haruhiro gulped.

  “Light?” he said aloud.

  “You think something’s there?” Kuzaku put his hand on the hilt of his sword.

  “...Get ready for battle?” Yume asked in a whisper.

  Phew, he heard Merry exhale. She had probably just checked the glowing hexagram on her left wrist. Protection hadn’t worn off yet.

  “They here? They here, they here?” Ranta licked his lips. “They finally, finally here? What’s the enemy like?”

  “...Kehehehe... These enemies... Ranta... Are going to kill you... Kehehehehe...”

  “Listen, Zodiac-kun, if I die, you disappear too, you got that?” Ranta snarled.

  “But... isn’t that...” Shihoru seemed to have figured it out.

  That’s right.

  Haruhiro called out. “Tokimune-san!”

  “Hey,” came the immediate reply.

  The light came from their lanterns.

  When they moved forward, the Tokkis were all there waiting for them. To sum up what had happened, when they’d gone in through the first hole, it had split left and right. Those two paths had formed a circle and met here.

  However, it was too soon to be disappointed. There was more to come.

  “Left or right, it was all the same, huh,” Tada said, his glasses flashing. Well, actually, they just looked like they flashed because of the way the lantern light reflected off of them.

  “It look like this, yeah,” Anna-san said proudly, holding up an open notebook.

  There was something scribbled inside. It looked like a warped circle, but with short, crooked lines coming up and down off of it.

  “Erm...” Haruhiro hesitantly looked Anna-san in the eye. “What’s this?”

  “A map, yeah!” yelled Anna-san. “What else it look like?! Wait, you people don’t draw maps?! Useless!”

  “We came in here, and...” Kikkawa first pointed to the crooked line going down, and then pointed to the line going up where the warped circle met, “...here’s where we are now! Nice going, Anna-san! It’s a perfect map!”

  “What’s so perfect about it?” Ranta complained, looking disappointed.

  This one time, Haruhiro had to agree with Ranta—but, obviously, he kept quiet.

  “Dumb Ranta is dumb so can’t read maps, yeah,” taunted Anna-san. “Dummy, dummy.”

  “The eye of the heart...” Inui said with a slight smile as he adjusted his eyepatch. “You have to read Anna-san’s maps with the eye of the heart... Heh...”

  —No, that makes no sense, Haruhiro thought. And, wait, you call her Anna-san with a -san, too?

  I have a mountain of things I want to say. But I’m not gonna. I’ll only be subjecting myself to more nonsense if I do. I just have to get used to it, Haruhiro thought. Is this something you can get used to...?

  “For now, let’s get going, okay?” Tokimune gave them a thumbs up with one eye closed.

  “Oh, sure, sounds good...” Haruhiro said.

  Better hurry, or we’ll get left behind, he thought. I’m not so sure I’d mind being left behind at this point, but, no, no, no, we just got started exploring. Besides, we haven’t found anything interesting yet.

  They continued moving forward in two columns, like before, when Haruhiro noticed the path sloped. They were on a smooth downward incline.

  “It’s sloping down, right?” Haruhiro asked.

  “Sure is.” Tokimune seemed to be enjoying himself. “I’ve got a good feeling. Like there ought to be something soon.”

  Here’s hoping, Haruhiro thought. So long as it’s not dangerous.

  The incline grew steeper, then the path took a hard turn to the left. From there, it gently bent leftwards. It was still a downwards slope.

  “Anna-san,” the glasses-wearing Tada suddenly said. “You think you can hold your bladder?”

  “I-I-I-I-I-I-It fine! Not going to wet myself anymore, yeah?!”

  “...So she’s done it before,” Kuzaku whispered.

  “L-Li’l bit! Just a little, yeah! One time only, okay?!”

  “Gehehehe!” Ranta laughed vulgarly. “Wetting yourself! What are you, a little kid?!”

  “Curly-kun,” Tokimune laughed and without turning around, said, “did I not tell you not to hurt our Anna-san?”

  “S-Sorry! I’ll be careful! Won’t happen again!” Ranta said immediately.

  “...Kehe... Actually... get cut to ribbons... Ranta... Kehehehehehe...”

  “Y’know, maybe,” Yume giggled, “it’d be worth leavin’ Ranta with the Tokkis for awhile. Then he’d quiet down a bit, don’t you think?”

  “Why settle for ‘awhile’? Let them have him forever,” Shihoru said with a smirk.

  “Yeah,” Merry coldly agreed.

  “Aw, man.” Kikkawa snapped his fingers for some reason. “I dunno about that. We don’t really want him, y’know? I mean, you know what Ranta’s like? I think he’s an amusing guy, but... what can I say? He’s the kind of guy who’s best when, like, you only see him once in a while?”

  “We don’t want him.” Mimori the Giantess bluntly shot down the idea.

  “Oh, shut up! I don’t want to be part of your stupid party, either!” Ranta hollered.

  “...Ehe... Ehehe... Don’t let it get you down... Ehehehe... Ranta...”

  “Z-Zodiac-kun, buddy... are you trying to comfort me?”

  “...Remember... Kehe... The whole world hates you... This shouldn’t be enough to get you down...”

  “That’s why?!” Ranta shouted.

  Ugh, he’s so annoying, Haruhiro thought. He hadn’t let his guard down yet... as far as he himself was concerned. He couldn’t help but worry if he was doing enough, but it was hard to maintain focus. Don’t blame me if this all goes south, okay?

  Eventually, they came to another fork in the path.

  Straight and right, Haruhiro noted. Guess we’re splitting up again—

  But Tokimune said something else. “First, we’ll try going straight. All together.”

  “...Huh?” Haruhiro said, startled. “Sure. Is that what you want to do?”

  “Yeah,” the man said. “I feel like it’s the right choice.”

  “Erm... any basis for that?” Haruhiro asked.

  “Basis? Hmm.” Tokimune flashed his white teeth at Haruhiro. “A hunch, I guess?”

  Seriously? Haruhiro thought. What’s with that? It’s pretty random. Ahh, I want to complain.

  But the Tokkis seemed to believe in Tokimune’s judgment, and they immediately got themselves ready. Did that mean Tokimune’s hunches were often on the mark? If so, Haruhiro considered perhaps trusting him, too.

  When they went straight, they came out into an oblong room. Maybe it wasn’t so much a room as a section of tunnel that was wider, so it felt a bit like a room—No, there was more to it than that.

  “Here it is, Haruhiro.” Tokimune gleefully slapped Haruhiro on the back. “This is what I’m talking about. You’ve gotta have stuff like this.”

  “Wh-What is that thing?” Haruhiro stammered.

  The wall, and the ground near the wall—those aren’t rocks, they’re mys
terious objects. They’re... clinging to it... maybe? There are a lot of them. Enough that I don’t feel like counting. They’re about 30 centimeters big? Or bigger? They might be 50 centimeters, maybe more. They’re round, and shine a little. Blue, green, yellow—they’re glowing faintly in a variety of colors. Almost like they’re pulsating.

  “You know...” Ranta’s voice was uncharacteristically low. “...it’s like... they’re alive, isn’t it? Somehow...”

  “You ever seen this before?” Haruhiro checked with Tokimune, just to be sure.

  “Never,” Tokimune said clearly. “Not once. Nothing like this. It’s a fresh experience. Real fresh.”

  “...Ranta...” hissed the demon.

  “Oh? What is it, Zodiac-kun?” Ranta asked. “What’s up?”

  “...Was just... seeing if you’d respond... Kehehehe...”

  “What for?!” Ranta yelled.

  Was Zodiac-kun really only seeing if he could get a response? Zodiac-kun was capricious. Even when the demon was trying to tell them something, it rarely did so in a straightforward manner. It wouldn’t hurt to stay cautious.

  Those objects were also on the wall near the room’s entrance. Haruhiro prepared to draw his dagger, looking at them closely.

  There’s a faint greenish light growing stronger and then dimming again, Haruhiro thought. It’s like they really are alive. They’re, like, I dunno—like eggs. Eggs don’t glow, though. But if you were to shine a light through an egg with a really, really thin shell, it might look like this.

  There’s something like a shadow in the greenish light, he added silently. The shadow seems to be moving.

  “What... do we do?” Haruhiro asked.

  It was partly because he wanted to let his seniors look good, but Haruhiro was asking Tokimune what to do about everything. It might be better to show some independence.

  “Want to try breaking them?” Tokimune suggested lightly.

  “Huh?” Haruhiro asked.

  “To see what’s inside,” the man said. “You want to check, right?”

  Tokimune drew his sword and immediately stabbed it into one of the nearby glowing things. They were apparently not that hard.

  There was a wet, squelching sound. The thick, oozy contents flowed out. Tokimune cut away the shell, stirring the insides with his sword.