Breathing 02 - Barely Breathing

by Rebecca Donovan

  "Do you think he'll come back?" I could feel him watching for my reaction.

  I shook my head and stared out the window, not wanting him to see the look on my face as I closed my eyes and tried to push away the bloody image that induced a shudder. What did we do? I mouthed to my reflection, resting my head against the glass, replaying Jonathan wiping away his prints on the car door. I wondered how detailed he had been when ridding the house of evidence.

  I was so wrapped up in preparing myself to face the brutality; I really didn't give much thought to what it was going to be like to see my mother―if she was home. Her car was still in the driveway when we pulled in. But it had probably been there since I took her to the hospital. When we neared the house, music reverberated through the front door, confirming that she'd returned.

  Evan stopped on the steps and turned to me. "Do you want to do this? We don't have to."

  Despite the nausea that rolled in my stomach, I nodded. He eyed me warily, but didn't try to talk me out of it. Evan opened the screen door for me. I took a deep breath and walked into the house.

  I didn't look for her. I continued up the stairs and Evan followed. I kept my eyes on each step and veered into my room without looking at the spot where his battered body had lain motionless. By the time Evan closed the door behind us, my heart was beating so hard I thought I might fall over.

  We waited for her reaction. The music continued in the kitchen, allowing us to relax and breathe easier. I was just beginning to think we'd be able to leave without incident when I heard the door beneath my bedroom slam shut. She must have been out back. Evan stopped and looked toward me, awaiting my reaction. I shook my head with a shrug, trying to appear unaffected.

  "Oh, Emma," Evan consoled under his breath.

  I snapped back into the room and my mouth dropped open. "What the..."

  It was completely torn apart. The mattress was pushed off the bed. The bureau drawers were dumped and tossed in a heap. The clothes in the closet were strewn across the floor. The only things left untouched were Evan's pictures on the cloth covered bulletin board and the stacks of clothes on the top shelf in the closet.

  "My laptop's gone," I noticed, my voice deflated. I walked closer to the desk and discovered the hard drive on the floor beneath the desk. I eased myself under to pick it up. "At least I still have this. I guess I can always buy another laptop."

  "True," Evan responded, trying to sound optimistic. Then he questioned in confusion, "But I thought you said he didn't take anything."

  "He didn't," I confirmed. "She must have, or someone from one of her parties maybe." I absorbed the disaster with a disheartened sigh. "Okay, let's do this."

  Evan set the suitcase and a large duffle bag on the box spring. He scooped the clothes from the floor and tossed them next to me so I could stuff them in the bags. There was no point in folding them.

  The music disappeared. Evan and I hesitated and looked at each other just as Rachel called out, "Emily, are you here?" We'd driven my car since it had more space than Evan's two-seater sports car. She must have spotted it in the driveway.

  My heart sped up at the sound of her voice.

  "What do I do?" I asked him, not ready to face her.

  "She knows you're here, Emma," Evan said. "You don't have to answer. Or you just say yes and leave it at that."

  "Emily?"

  I breathed out through pursed lips and then hollered. "Yeah, I'm here." Evan and I stared at each other and waited, but she didn't say anything. I swallowed and tried to relax my shoulders.

  Evan picked up armfuls of clothes at a time and shoved them in the bag. I knew he was trying to hurry, since I was unable to mask the escalation of my anxiety. I tried to convince myself that she didn't bother me. That I could get through this without having to face her. But she did get to me, and I didn't foresee avoiding her when we left my room.

  "You don't have to talk to her," Evan advised lowly, probably reading the fretful thoughts that flickered across my face. "We'll just leave. You won't have to say anything."

  I nodded and mindlessly tucked the clothes in the duffle bag that was already stretched to its limit. Evan struggled with the suitcase zipper, closing it up.

  "I'll bring these to the car and get the boxes and my duffle bag. The rest should fit in them, and then we'll go." He hesitated. "Are you going to be okay while I'm gone?"

  "Yeah," I murmured.

  I didn't move as I listened for Evan to walk down the stairs. The bedroom door didn't close all the way behind him, so I heard when she said, "Evan! I didn't know you were here too. What are you doing?" She sounded surprised. My jaw flexed at the sound of her voice.

  "Just getting her things," he answered casually and continued out the front door.

  "Emily, what's going on?" she called up to me, her voice heavy with concern. "What are you doing?"

  I didn't answer and remained motionless―hoping she'd give up.

  "Emily!" she yelled louder. "What's going on?!"

  I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. The angry storm began to rouse in my gut. I breathed deep, trying to control it. The boards creaked on the stairs.

  I focused on remaining collected when I stepped out of my room, stopping her mid-step. "I told you I was coming back to get my things." My voice came out even and controlled, but my hands were clenched by my sides.

  She appeared confused. I stood stoically at the top of the stairs and took her in. Her right eye was encircled with a greenish-blue bruise, and her left hand was in a black splint. I could tell there was more damage to her body as she leaned into railing for support.

  She didn't react to the sight of the bruise on my face. But I didn't expect her to.

  "You're leaving me?" she whimpered with big eyes.

  My pulse quickened, spreading the anger into my muscles. I couldn't control it.

  "Am I leaving you?" I repeated, my teeth grating with each word. I pulled my brows together and scoffed in disbelief. "Am I leaving you?"

  Her eyes watered as she pled, "Please don't leave me."

  Evan appeared behind her in the doorway. I caught sight him as he assessed our positions. "Emma." I focused on him, trying to push away the fury that was overtaking me. He flipped his eyes to my room, and I nodded. Without looking back at her, I returned to the bedroom.

  Evan entered a few seconds later, closing the door behind him. "What happened?"

  I shook my head and started pacing. "I can't believe her. I seriously think she's delusional."

  "Emma, what did she say?"

  "How could she be surprised that I'm leaving?" I fumed, staring at the floor as I continued to pace.

  "Emma," he beckoned calmly.

  "She didn't even say anything about the bruise. Does she even care what happened to me? Of course not!"

  "Emma!" Evan bellowed loudly, standing in front of me. I stopped and looked up at him as he set his hands on my shoulders. "She doesn't matter."

  I pressed my lips together to strangle the emotion and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry."

  "Don't be sorry," he soothed, pulling me into him. "I know this is hard. We don't have to stay."

  I took a breath. "It's okay. We're almost done."

  Evan kissed the top of my head before releasing me. "We'll be fast, alright?"

  I nodded.

  Evan handed me a box, and I started taking down the pictures on the board and placing them and the other items from my desk into it while he finished packing the clothes from the closet.

  It was uncomfortably quiet as we rushed to gather my things. I tried to shut everything off as I finished with the box, not wanting to feel anything. But I couldn't. I couldn't release the fire that burned in my chest every time I heard her voice asking if I was leaving―like I was the one abandoning her.

  "Emma, you're shaking," Evan noticed, taking a hold of my hand.

  "Sorry. She got to me," I grimaced with my face scrunched.

  "Maybe we should just go."

  "Everyt
hing's pretty much packed anyway," I agreed, taking a look around.

  Evan slung the duffle bag over his shoulder and picked up the box I'd packed. "I'll just come back in to get the last box." He nodded toward the one containing my sweatshirts and the pictures of my father I'd hidden beneath them.

  In my final scan of the room I noticed something was missing, my heart skipping a beat.

  "Are you coming?" Evan asked as he opened the door.

  "I'll be down in a minute," I told him, searching desperately. "I want to look around one more time."

  "I'll be right back," he stressed, his way of telling me not to leave the room without him.

  I carefully knelt down and peered under the bureau and then the bed. Then I picked up the comforter that was on the floor. The framed picture of me and my father that had been on my bureau was gone. There was no reason anyone would want that picture, except for her. The one thing she thought I had left of my father, and she took it.

  An angered blaze engulfed my entire body. My heart pounded so hard, it was difficult to breathe.

  I didn't wait for Evan. And I didn't walk out the door to his car. I sought her out in the kitchen where she sat at the table, slicing a tomato while listening to the radio.

  "Do you want to stay for dinner?" she asked with a warm smile when I appeared in the doorway.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I snapped vehemently.

  "Excuse me?" she asked in shock. "I thought you might want to stay for dinner. I thought we could talk."

  "About what?" I shot back. "How much you don't want me? How much you miss my father and how you blame me for his death? Or the fact that your drug dealer beat the shit out of us because you have serious issues? Yeah, that's great dinner conversation. I think I'll pass."

  "Why are you acting like this?" she questioned quietly, standing up and walking to the counter.

  "Are you serious?" I gawked incredulously. "Are you that delusional?"

  She picked up a prescription bottle, emptied a few pills into her hand and tossed them in the back of her throat, rinsing them with a glass of water.

  "Oh, or maybe you're just high," I accused spitefully.

  "What? It's medicine for my wrist," she defended. "But why should you care? You're leaving me. You don't care about me." Her voice was broken. A slight twinge panged in my chest. There was a time when I hurt to see her this upset, and would've done anything to console her. Not now. As quickly as the empathy surfaced, it was swallowed up.

  "No, I don't care about you. Just like you don't care about me," I fumed, my voice cold and inhuman. "You can take the entire bottle. I don't give a fuck."

  "I don't understand what's wrong with you?" she shook her head, tears seeping down her cheeks. "I'll try harder. Don't leave me alone. Please, Emily. I'm so sorry."

  "No you're not," I screamed, making her flinch. I lowered my voice again, and each word shot at her with lethal precision. "The only thing you're sorry about is that I was ever born. Or don't you remember telling me that in one of your drunken stupors? You conveniently forget how much you hurt me over and over again. And I'm stupid enough to keep letting you. Well, I'm done.

  "You never wanted me, and I never wanted this life. So as far as you're concerned, I am dead. And you won’t ever see me again."

  Rachel sank to the floor sobbing inconsolably. I turned my back to her.

  Fury pulsed through my veins, blinding me. I almost ran into Evan who stood frozen with the screen door open, silently watching. He avoided my eyes, forcing my shoulders to slump in disgrace.

  I hurried past Evan, toward the car. My entire body trembled. I released a broken breath as the tears flooded my eyes.

  "Emma," Evan called after me, rushing to catch up and grabbing my arm.

  "I can't," I pulled away. "I can't be here. We need to go. Please. We need to go."

  I turned away from him and climbed into the passenger side. I closed my eyes to hold back the tears, taking long drawn breaths. My chest tightened with each pass of air, trying to release the possessing rage.

  Evan slid in beside me and pulled the keys from his pocket.

  "I don't ever want to see her again," I choked, shaking my head. I pressed my fingers into my forehead, rubbing it hard with my eyes closed. "I can't..."

  "I know," Evan said, starting the car. "Try to calm down, Emma. Breathe."

  The shame of what he saw hit me as we drove away. I pulled my brows together in distress. "I'm so sorry, Evan. I don't know what just happened. I was just so... angry. I couldn't stop."

  "I've never seen you like that before," Evan said quietly. "You always keep everything locked up. It was hard to watch, but you'd reached your limit."

  I looked over at him, perplexed. "Evan, I was awful. Worse than awful. You should be disgusted with me." The weight of what I'd done crushed me, and I felt wretched.

  "I was shocked," Evan admitted, glancing over at me quickly. "I mean, you were... enraged, and I hope to never see that side of you again. But Emma, after everything she put you through, you had every right to be furious. Except for you wishing away this life. That... that bothered me."

  "I was upset," I whispered, still unsettled by his reaction, or lack thereof. "You know I didn't mean it."

  "I hope so," he returned, flashing me a worried glance.

  "Where are we going?" I asked, looking around as he turned onto a street that didn't take us back to his house.

  "Somewhere that will help you," Evan answered, reaching for my trembling hand.

  Then I recognized where we were headed. "We're going to the high school?"

  Evan just grinned.

  I eyed him curiously when we pulled into the school's parking lot. "I don't understand."

  "Just come with me," Evan requested, getting out of the car.

  The school was practically deserted. A few voices could be heard through the halls, but most clubs had disbanded, and the sports' practices dispersed.

  When we reached the second floor corridor, Evan turned to me and instructed, "Close your eyes."

  "Are you serious?" I asked dubiously, not really in the mood for one of his surprises.

  "It's not what you think," he assured me. "Just close your eyes."

  I let out a resigned breath and did as he directed. Evan kept a hold of my hand and guided me further down the hall. We stopped and he released me. I heard the jangling of keys and the click of a lock.

  "Keep them shut," he ordered, taking hold of my hand again and leading me forward.

  With the slightest inhale, I instantly recognized the scents swirling in the air.

  "Breathe, Emma," he coaxed, squeezing my hand. "It's okay."

  "How'd you know?" I asked, overcome with emotion. I breathed deeply and eased the air through my chest, searching for the release I always sought in this room. I opened my eyes and found Evan gazing at me affectionately.

  "Because I know you."

  I closed my eyes and consumed the faint traces of paint, glue and cleaner, releasing the darkened fury with each cleansing breath.

  I moved to him and put my arms around his chest, pressing against him. "Thank you."

  He held me tenderly, being mindful not to squeeze too tight.

  "Hold on to this life, Emma," he whispered. "You're so much stronger than you think you are."

  I looked up at him with glistening eyes. Evan bent down, and the warmth of his lips captured my breath, helping me find the calm I was unable to find on my own.

  41. Power of Suggestion

  "Where are you?" Sara asked when I picked up the phone. I groaned, instantly realizing we'd forgotten to tell her that we weren't at Rachel's.

  "Oh, Sara, I'm sorry," I replied. "We're driving back to Evan's. Rachel and I got into a horrible fight, so we left. Are you there?"

  "Yeah. Did you get everything?"

  "Um," I considered, then recalled, "oh, there's one box left, but we can get it another day."

  "Why don't I just grab it now since I'm here?" she
offered casually.

  "You may not want to do that," I cautioned. "She was a mess when we left. I was... I was pretty ruthless."

  "And I'm sure she had it coming," she responded, unaffected. "I don't care. I'll just run in, get it, and leave."

  "You were warned. Call me if you need to, otherwise just come to Evan's."

  Evan raised his eyebrows when I hung up. "She's going in?"

  I shrugged. "Guess so."

  "Wow," he grimaced. "This should be interesting."

  Before we reached Evan's, my phone beeped. "Uh oh," I uttered when I saw Sara's name on the screen.

  "Emma, you need to come back to the house," she spewed urgently.

  "Sara, what's wrong?" Fear paralyzed my heart.

  "Rachel. She's not moving," she said in a rush. "The ambulance is coming but... Oh God."

  "Sara?" My eyes flickered as I listened, but it was silent. I pulled the phone away from my ear to find that we'd been disconnected. "Evan, we need to go back."

  Without me realizing it, he'd turned around as soon as he heard the stress in my voice.

  The car sped up. "What did she say?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

  "That Rachel wasn't moving, and an ambulance was on its way. But then... then something happened and I lost her. Evan, if anything happens to Sara..." My mind was racing, fearing that the drug dealer had returned to collect the debt, despite his injuries. Or maybe someone else was doing it for him. I couldn't sit still, wanting us to drive faster, despite Evan's acceleration through the vacant residential streets―easily doubling the speed limit.

  "We'll be there soon," he assured me, as I gripped the handle above the door.

  My chest hurt from holding my breath as we turned onto the street. An ambulance, fire truck and two police cars were out front―their lights flashing brightly against the black backdrop.

  "Oh no," I breathed. A thousand horrifying images rushed through my head, making me falter on weakened knees when I jetted out of car.

  "Sara!" I yelled, rushing toward the house. I was intercepted by a police officer, demanding that I stay outside. He questioned me about the people who lived there. I wasn't listening. I tried to see around him, frantically searching for her, but I was restrained and couldn't move forward.