Breathing 02 - Barely Breathing

by Rebecca Donovan

  "Well, your future's still unfolding, you'll just have to let it happen as it intends to. But what's keeping you from being free of your past?"

  I thought for a moment. "Forgiveness."

  "Do you forgive me?"

  I shifted my head toward him with my brows knotted. "Why would I need to forgive you?"

  Evan tilted his head to the side to look into my eyes. "Because I kept it from you... what happened that night."

  "But I didn't want to know, so you did what you thought I needed." I turned back to the stars. We listened to the crickets chirp in the stillness.

  "Evan?"

  "Yes."

  "Can you tell me one thing that I still don't understand?"

  "I'll try."

  "How did my ankle shatter?"

  Evan was silent. I zoned in on a single star above me and waited. "She had a hammer. I saw it on the bed next to your foot." His voice was low and strained. I closed my eyes, the strangled words overtaking me.

  "That's why you couldn't do that Art project, isn't it? Why you had to leave the room that day?"

  I reached for his hand. It was hot and tense. I slipped my fingers through his and he gripped them tightly.

  "I forgive you," I breathed. "Now you have to forgive me."

  "For what?"

  "Not listening. For staying when both you and Sara begged me not to. For not telling anyone and convincing you to remain quiet too. For not asking for help. For―"

  "That's enough," he cut me off. My heart pounded hard, thinking of the many reasons I needed to be forgiven that I still hadn't named. Evan raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. He rolled on his side and intercepted my view, his eyes glassy and full of emotion.

  "I forgive you," he whispered. My throat closed and I swallowed against the tears that pooled in the corners of my eyes. "I forgive you," he whispered again, running his hand along the side of my face. My eyes shut with the tenderness of his touch. "I forgive you," he breathed, his voice wavering. I opened my eyes to see the tear glisten as it rolled down his cheek.

  I opened my mouth to speak. My lip quivered and the words remained choked in the back of my throat.

  "Now, Emma, you need to forgive yourself."

  I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes, the tears caught in my lashes. Before I could open them again, my breath was captured by the firmness of his lips. That kiss said every word left unspoken. It filled me with more emotion than I thought possible to contain.

  I leaned toward him and he wrapped his arms around me, fusing us together. His heart beat against my chest, thumping so hard it reverberated throughout my entire body. His mouth slid over mine. I could taste our tears, the salt lingering on his lips and over my tongue.

  My heart ached with each kiss. I couldn't get close enough to him, pulling him into me. I needed him more than I needed to breathe.

  I pulled back and slid my shirt over my head. His warm hands ran along my back, unclasping. Our mouths collided with such frenzy, we couldn't catch our breath. Evan lifted his shirt over his head. His taught muscles pressed against my bare skin. The heat of our flesh melding us.

  Evan rolled me on my back and trailed his mouth down my neck and over my skin, inciting a swirl of heat that rushed through my body. We slipped out of our clothes, only separating long enough to toss them aside. I knew him, every inch of him, but never like this.

  The tenderness of his touch captured my breath. My heart thumped with each burst of air escaping my lips. I pressed my eyes closed, my brows pulled together. He intercepted my staggered breath, his mouth engulfing mine. I could feel everything and nothing all at once, my body tensing. I clasped his hand, locking my fingers in his, arching up to meet his mouth again before exhaling and floating back to the blanket.

  I lay motionless, caught in the recovery with my pulse thrumming. Evan reached in his pocket, removed the wrapper and returned to me. My heart stammered, as he lowered himself, watching me intently.

  I took in a sharp breath when he found me.

  "Are you okay?" Evan asked, looking into my eyes.

  "Yeah," I exhaled, wrapping my legs around him.

  His rhythm was gentle and slow. My breath became drawn and I closed my eyes. I ran my hands along his back, gripping him as his pace quickened.

  I opened my eyes. His lips were parted and his breaths erratic. I reached up to taste him, his tongue slipping into my mouth. He pulled away with a rush of air. Looking into me. Seeing more than I ever thought possible. Vulnerable and exposed. Love and desire. My chest swelled with every fathomable emotion―I thought I might burst.

  His chest was slick with sweat as he slid against me. I ran my mouth along his salty skin, my entire body pulsing. Evan clenched his eyes shut and his body became rigid, slowing until he melted on top of me. His chest thumping against my stomach as we surrendered to the calm. I kept my arms wrapped around him as he recovered in slow breaths, with his head on my chest.

  "Am I hurting you?" he asked, and then clarified, "Your ribs?"

  I shook my head, having completely forgotten about them.

  "I like listening to your heart," he said, holding my hand. "It's beating so fast."

  Evan lifted his head to inspect me, sweat trickling along his sculpted face and down his neck. "Are you cold?"

  I shook my head.

  "Can you talk?"

  I shook my head again. He grinned, reaching up to kiss me softly. He eased away. The cool air wicked the sweat from my body with a shiver. He leaned over and grabbed the edge of the blanket, folding it over us, positioning me so I was on his arm as we both lay on our sides, facing each other.

  "Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes twitching slightly in concern.

  "Yes," I smiled brightly, making him smile in return. Then I started laughing.

  "What's so funny?" he questioned, his eyes twinkling.

  "I love spontaneity."

  Evan smiled wider. He leaned over and brushed his lips across mine. "I love you, Emma."

  44. In the End

  The sun woke me earlier than I usually rose, but the melodic chirping and filtered light were a welcome transition into the day.

  I smiled when his breath tickled the back of my neck as he slept with his arm draped across my stomach. I shifted back, to cuddle into him. His arm instinctively tightened around me. I breathed in at the touch of his skin along my back, firm and warm. A swirling heat roused in me and I took long drawn breaths, pressing against him. Evan began to stir.

  The rhythm of his breathing deepened, and I knew he was awake. His hand slid along my side, over my hips. As much as the feel of his fingers tickling my skin elevated my heart rate, my body was still in a bit of shock from last night, and I knew I wasn't prepared for it again this morning.

  I gently eased forward and reached over for the backpack on the tent floor. I dug in the front pocket and pulled out the packet.

  "Gum?" I offered, popping a piece in my mouth.

  Evan laughed. "Yes, thanks." After he took a piece, I rolled over to face him.

  "Good, now I can kiss you," I declared and pressed my lips against his, the burst of cinnamon filling my mouth with the touch of his tongue. "Happy Birthday," I breathed, my head swirling in a fit of flutters. His steel blue eyes were vibrant and reflective. My heart stuttered at their intensity.

  "Thank you," he smiled and then added, "for the perfect present." My cheeks warmed. Evan ran his finger along my blush, brushing the hair from my face.

  "You're beautiful," he whispered, making my cheeks even redder. He swept his finger over my lips and followed the touch with a kiss, barely touching―stealing my breath.

  "I love you," I murmured, lost in the depths of his eyes as they flickered in front of me like he was silently listening to my every thought. Evan pulled me against him and held me. I inhaled the sweet scent of his skin. "Do we have to leave here?"

  "We should probably think about it."

  My stomach growled, and I placed my hand over it. Evan gri
nned. "And it sounds like you need to eat."

  "Fine," I conceded reluctantly, "we can get up." I sat up, holding the sleeping bag over me. "You know, I've never slept naked before."

  Evan laughed lightly. "And I bet you've never roasted marshmallows naked either." He leaned over and kissed my shoulder.

  "No, that was a first too," I nodded, making him smile. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

  "No, but I'm sure Jared's looking for me."

  "That's right," I grinned, trying not to blow the surprise. "You're going hiking." I began searching under the sleeping bag. "Where are our clothes?"

  "I think they're still outside," Evan noted.

  "Oh," I responded with wide eyes. I unzipped the tent and a breeze of cool morning air swept in. The grass still glistened with morning dew. I spotted our clothes tossed in a small pile next to the abandoned blanket. I contemplated how cold the grass was going to be on my bare feet.

  "I'll get them," Evan offered.

  "No," I sighed, wrapping the sleeping bag around me to fend off the chill, "I'll get them."

  I ducked out of the tent and scampered across the chilled, wet grass on the balls of my feet. I scooped up the pile and rushed back to the tent, tossing the clothes in before climbing in after them. "Oooh, it's cold out there," I shuddered. Evan laughed as he sorted through the articles of clothing.

  "Well, you're not going to love this. Our clothes are kinda wet." He slid his jeans over his hips, fastening them.

  "Great," I groaned, feeling the dampness against my skin as I pulled on my shirt.

  "How are you feeling? I mean, are you... okay?" Evan asked cautiously as we dressed.

  "I feel a little... different," I tried to explain, not sure how to describe the post-first-time sex discomfort. Evan hesitated, not exactly following along, so I added, "But I also feel amazing." And that wasn't at all an exaggeration.

  "Good," Evan accepted, giving me a quick kiss. "Let's go back to the house, and I'll make us breakfast and figure out what Jared has planned. And I can give you a dry sweatshirt to wear."

  Jared was waiting for Evan in the kitchen when we walked in. He looked from one to the other―I could only imagine what we looked like, wearing damp, wrinkled clothes, our hair unkempt. He arched his eyebrow slightly, but then redirected his attention to the bowl of cereal. "We're leaving in twenty minutes."

  "Cereal sounds good to me," I said, sitting on the stool next to Jared. He remained non-reactive to my discombobulated state. I was certain Sara wasn't going to have the same lack of reaction.

  "Where have you been?!" she demanded when I called her from my car, having just left Evan and Jared to pack for their hike. "I've been trying to get a hold of you for forever."

  "I was with Evan," I explained, completely baffled by her overreaction.

  "I know that, but I needed to talk to you. My mother's having a dinner at the house tonight."

  "What?" I practically shouted, my pulse quickening. "Sara, what am I supposed to do?"

  "That's what I needed to talk to you about," she stressed. "Just get to the house and we'll figure something out.

  My phone beeped as I said, "Okay." When I looked at the screen, my battery light was flashing. That was the least of my worries as I dumped it on the passenger seat and continued to the McKinleys’ house.

  When I entered, Anna was in the sitting room with a woman in a suit, reviewing some papers. She stood when she saw me. I was hoping to sneak upstairs, fearing just had sex was written all over my face.

  "Emma, I am so sorry about tonight. I knew about the party at Evan's, but I didn't realize you were planning to have dinner here first."

  "Oh, it's okay," I offered lightly, creeping up a step at a time before she could get a good look at me. "We'll figure something out."

  "If you want to take him to a nice restaurant, I would be happy to pay for it."

  "That's very nice of you," I assured her, taking another step. "But it'll be fine."

  "Emma?" Sara bellowed from the third floor.

  I smiled awkwardly at Anna and turned to run up the stairs. "I'm coming!"

  When I reached her, I found Sara folding the flaps of a cardboard box full of decorations.

  "I have an idea," she burst out, standing up to face me. "You can..." She stopped. "Omigod. You had sex."

  My entire body flushed, and no matter how hard I tried not to, a huge smile spread across my face.

  "I can't believe it," she gaped, rushing over to hug me. Then she barraged me with, "Did it hurt? Did you... uh, bleed? Are you sore? How do you feel?"

  "Um," I stared at her in shock before I fumbled, "Just a little... no... yes... and..." I smiled wide with my cheeks aglow; I didn't even have to answer the last question.

  She squealed proudly, "I can't believe you had sex! This is so amazing. It gets better, I promise." Then she rolled her eyes in frustration, "And I'm so mad at you right now because we don't have time for you to tell me all the details."

  "I think I just told you more details than I ever expected to," I admitted, leaving out that it was probably the most incredible night of my life and that I wasn't sure how much better it could get. "Anyway, what's your idea?"

  "Okay, here's your grocery list. Go shopping now. Then come back here. You can shower, and I'll do your hair before we leave to decorate the barn," Sara rattled off instructions, barely taking a breath.

  "Jill, Casey, and... Analise," she said her name with a snarl, which made me laugh, "are meeting me here in a couple of hours, and then we're going to the Mathews' to decorate.

  "You can bring the dress with you and change right before Evan arrives at seven. That should give you time for a couple of tries, in case you burn anything."

  "Thanks," I shot back with a mocking grin, "but where am I going?"

  Sara hesitated with her lips pressed together. "Decatur Street."

  "What?!" I stared at her, certain she hadn't just told me that I was supposed to surprise Evan with a romantic dinner in the same house where I'd seen a man get nearly pummeled to death, and where my mother tried to kill herself. I shook my head. "No way, Sara."

  "I'm sorry," Sara grimaced, "but there isn't another choice if you really want to cook for him. Otherwise, you'll have to go to a restaurant. I mean, it's only a house, Emma. She's not going to be there. She was admitted into that program for the next six months. There's no one there."

  "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," I groaned under my breath. I'd been planning this dinner all week. The logistics had been sorted out carefully. We were supposed to have dinner on the deck overlooking the pool while Sara and Jared set up the barn for the surprise party after. It was my turn to actually do something for him, but this wasn't part of the plan.

  I considered just scrapping the dinner and taking him to a restaurant. But every time I thought of this night, it was more about the look on his face when he discovered I’d actually cooked for him than anything else. I didn't want to lose that over a... technicality.

  "Fine," I huffed, "I'll cook there. But where should we eat? That kitchen is the least romantic place on earth."

  "How about the backyard?" Sara suggested. I shook my head, feeling nauseous at just the thought of being near the ashes of the rocking chair.

  "Umm, I can put the kitchen table on the porch, I guess," I considered with a shrug.

  "That's perfect," Sara exclaimed. "Let's look in the closet downstairs. I'm pretty sure my mom has a ton of table cloths you can use to cover it up."

  "How many people are coming?" I asked, following Sara down the stairs.

  "Uh, everyone," Sara answered with a sarcastic tone. "You put me in charge of inviting, so of course they're all coming."

  "But you just invited them yesterday," I stated in amazement. "That was the plan―to invite last minute so no one would ruin the surprise. We figured maybe half would come."

  "Well... we figured wrong," Sara shrugged. "It probably has something to do with seeing the Mathews' place. No one's rea
lly been there before."

  "True," I agreed. "But that's a lot of people."

  "Yes, it is," Sara smiled. "And everyone is arriving at eight, so you and Evan should arrive at eight-thirty."

  "Okay," I replied, anxiety looming in the pit of my stomach.

  Everything was going as planned when I left Sara's with my hair in soft waves down my back and the pink dress hanging in the backseat. I kept replaying my strategy for when I arrived at the house over and over in my head.

  Move the kitchen table to the porch. Cut up the salad and fruit. Season the steaks and keep them wrapped in the fridge. Mix the brownies and stick them in the oven before I change. Then the finishing touches after, like set the table, light the candles and... oh yeah, take the brownies out of the oven.

  I could do this. It was going to go perfectly.

  And despite the palpitations that made me fearful I was about to have a heart attack, and the jitters that kept my hands shaky, it was going exactly how it was supposed to. I kept glancing at my phone on the counter, hoping the battery wouldn't die before Sara called to tell me he was on his way.

  In order to get him here, he'd have to know I had a surprise waiting for him. Sara was supposed to send him to me after he dressed at his house. Jared would make certain he didn't go anywhere near the barn. I could only imagine his reaction when he was told where he was to meet me. Sara's call was supposed to give me a twenty minute heads-up.

  I was mixing the brownie batter in the bowl, reading the back of the box for the hundredth time to make sure I hadn't missed anything, when my phone chimed. My stomach flit with nerves, fearing he was ahead of schedule.

  I picked up the phone, sucking the chocolate off my finger.

  "Hello?"

  "Emma?" Jonathan responded. My heart stammered. Without giving me time to react, he asked, "Where are you?"

  I took a breath and tried to sound as casual as possible. "I'm at Decatur Street unfortunately, but it's the only place I―"