Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  There’s knocking on the front door. I’m running behind the big chair.

  ‘Come back yerr,’ Mammy says. She sounds cross. I think it’s because my jumper is smelly. I’m running to Mammy and she’s opening the door. There are two ladies outside. One of the ladies is the lady with the big bag.

  ‘Hello, you two,’ the lady with the big bag says. She’s smiling a bit. ‘This is Gwawr.’ Her mouth is making a very big circle when she says ‘Gwawr’. She’s pointing to the other lady. ‘Gwawr’s my supervisor. Do you mind if she comes in too?’

  The other lady who is Gwawr is saying something to Mammy. She’s talking like Nanno and Dat do sometimes.

  ‘I don’ speak Welsh,’ Mammy says.

  Gwawr is looking at her piece of paper. ‘It says here you do.’ She’s smiling a big smile at Mammy.

  ‘Norr anymore,’ Mammy says.

  ‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ Gwawr says. ‘And Rachel here’s just started going to Welsh classes.’

  The lady with the big bag is nodding. ‘Trying my best to learn,’ she says. ‘But it’s not easy when you come from Kent.’

  Mammy is shaking her head. ‘Nah, I don’ speak Welsh.’

  ‘Oh well,’ Gwawr says. She’s still smiling a bit. ‘English it is then.’

  * * *

  We are in the front room. The ladies are sitting on the settee and Mammy is sitting on the big black chair. I’m on Mammy’s lap. It’s nice on Mammy’s lap. The ladies are asking her lots of questions and they’re writing things down on their pieces of paper. They’re smiling at Mammy sometimes and sometimes they’re smiling at me. They’re nodding their heads a lot.

  ‘Well, Tomos,’ Gwawr says. ‘Have you had your tea yet?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say.

  She’s nodding. ‘What did you have?’

  ‘Three fish fingers and chips.’

  ‘And what did you have for tea yesterday?’ the lady with the big bag says.

  ‘Crisps,’ I say. ‘A blue packet and a…’

  Mammy is looking at me. Her eyes are big. She is making them bigger. ‘An’ wharr else?’ she says.

  ‘A green packet.’ I am saying it slowly. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell the ladies.

  Mammy’s eyes are very big now. I say, ‘Oh,’ because Mammy is pinching my arm. The one that the ladies can’t see.

  ‘Remember what you ’ad yesterday?’ she says.

  I’m remembering now. ‘I had fish fingers,’ I say.

  ‘Good,’ Gwawr says.

  The lady with the big bag says, ‘Well, let’s have a look in the kitchen then.’

  We are going into the kitchen. Mammy has put all the rubbish in the bin. The kitchen is very big now. The ladies are looking in the cupboards and they’re looking in the fridge. Mammy has been to Tesco like she told Brick and she’s bought lots of food. There are chips and fish fingers and chicken nuggets and milk and bananas and bread and a big bag of crisps.

  ‘Wow!’ I am doing a dance. ‘Did you get my box and my shiny paper?’

  Mammy hasn’t heard me. She’s looking at the ladies looking in the cupboards.

  ‘What will you have for breakfast tomorrow, Tomos?’ Gwawr says.

  ‘Chicken nuggets,’ I say.

  The ladies are smiling.

  ‘Toast an’ jam,’ Mammy says.

  I say, ‘We’ve got jam!’ I’m doing the dance again.

  Then the lady with the big bag says, ‘Thomas, can you show us your bedroom, please?’

  * * *

  The ladies like my bedroom. They are asking lots of questions about my train set. I’m telling them all about Dat and his train noises.

  ‘Has your dat been here,’ Gwawr says.

  ‘No,’ I say.

  She’s looking at my bed. Mammy has taken the quilt off her bed and she’s put it on my bed. I can see it peeping over the top. I can see a bit of her pillow too.

  ‘When did you last see your dat?’ Gwawr says. She’s going up my ladder now. The bed is wobbling.

  I am thinking about the last time I saw Dat. I’m feeling sad. ‘A long time ago.’

  ‘In this house?’ the lady with the big bag says.

  ‘No. In Nanno and Dat’s house.’ I’m remembering Dat giving me his train magazines. I’m remembering him saying ‘Bye, Tomos, see you soon.’ I’m remembering him squeezing me. And waving and waving. I say, ‘I’m not allowed to see Dat anymore.’

  Gwawr is half way up my ladder. She’s looking down at me. ‘That’s right,’ she says. She’s coming all the way down now.

  We’re going out of my bedroom and we’re going past the bathroom. The door is open. Mammy has moved all the things I must NOT touch. She’s put them away. We’re going downstairs.

  ‘Well, Rhiannon.’ Gwawr makes Mammy’s name sound nice. She says Rhiannon like Nanno and Dat say it. ‘There are some things we need to talk about.’ The ladies are only smiling a little bit now. They are sitting on the settee again and they’re looking at their pieces of paper.

  ‘About the bed,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘I said it was dangerous the last time I was here. Do you remember me saying that?’

  Mammy’s lifting her shoulders and she’s picking up her phone.

  The lady with the big bag says, ‘Your next door neighbour gave you the bed, didn’t she? That was very kind of her, but it’s meant for older children.’

  ‘Yeah well,’ Mammy says. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’

  The lady with the big bag is looking at Gwawr. ‘Could we get another bed sorted?’

  ‘Not before Christmas,’ Gwawr says. She’s looking through her pieces of paper and she’s writing something down.

  ‘The side rail is high enough, I suppose,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘But it’s the ladder that’s the problem. You must be with him every time he goes up and down it, Rhiannon.’ The ladies are looking at Mammy.

  Mammy’s looking at her phone. She’s putting it down now. She’s looking at the ladies again and her face is cross. ‘It’s not Rhiannon,’ Mammy says. ‘It’s Ree.’

  The ladies are not smiling. ‘This is important,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘We’re trusting you with this until we can get another bed. And the screws need tightening up. The whole bed seems to be wobbling.’

  ‘Maybe you could put the mattress on the floor, Ree,’ Gwawr says. ‘If you can make enough room. Just for the time being.’ They’ve stopped looking at Mammy and they’re looking at their papers again.

  I’m getting back onto Mammy’s lap but she’s put one of her legs over the other one. It’s not comfy like it was just now.

  ‘So other furniture,’ Gwawr says. She’s looking round the front room. ‘You have this sofa and chair. And the TV. Would you like a table and a couple of dining chairs, Ree?’

  ‘What for?’ Mammy says.

  ‘Somewhere for you to have your meals. And you could use it as a desk when you’re a bit older, Tomos.’ Gwawr is smiling at me.

  ‘No room,’ Mammy says.

  ‘You could put it there.’ Gwawr is waving her pen. ‘In that corner, near the kitchen door. I’ve got the number of a charity that’ll give you free second hand furniture. You could get a wardrobe or chest of drawers for Tomos’s room too.’

  Mammy’s lifting her shoulders.

  ‘And they might give you curtains for this room and for Tomos’s bedroom. Help cosy things up a bit. And they’ll decorate for free too.’ Gwawr’s looking at the walls now. And the floor. Mammy has picked up all the big bits of wallpaper. The bits she pulled off the walls a long time ago. They were all over the carpet. They’re in a big black bag by the back door. She didn’t pick up the little bits. There are still lots of them on the carpet. ‘You’re not a fan of flowery wallpaper, then Ree?’

  ‘Nah,’ Mammy says. ‘It’s ’orrible.’

  ‘Well, you’ve already made a good start stripping it. It wouldn’t take them long to finish off and redecorate.’

  ‘It would brighten up the plac
e,’ the lady with the big bag says. She’s looking round and round the front room. ‘And make it more homely.’

  ‘Think about it.’ Gwawr is giving Mammy a little card. ‘Here’s the number. A bit more furniture and some new wallpaper would make all the difference. How long have you lived here now, Ree?’

  ‘Don’ know, like five months?’ Mammy’s putting the little card down the side of the chair.

  ‘Since September,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘So three and a half months, more or less.’

  ‘And how’s it going?’ Gwawr says. ‘How are the neighbours?’

  Mammy’s lifting her shoulders. ‘Okay s’pose. There’s a nosy ol’ bag across the road, always in the window.’ Mammy’s putting her leg down and it’s nice on her lap again.

  ‘She’s probably just lonely,’ Gwawr says. ‘And the neighbours either side? You had a problem at your last place, didn’t you, Ree?’

  ‘Had a right cow in the flat next door. Always knockin’ on the walls, ’cusing me of stuff.’ Mammy’s lap has gone hard again.

  ‘And when you first moved in, your next door neighbour rang the police,’ the lady with the big bag says, ‘didn’t she?’

  ‘Tha’ bitch,’ Mammy says. ‘I hadn’t drunk nothin’. The cow.’

  ‘But you were making a lot of noise,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘And you share a wall. The police came round and spoke to you.’

  Gwawr says, ‘But there wasn’t an arrest, not even a caution. So we don’t need to worry too much.’

  ‘She’s gone now anyway,’ Mammy says. ‘Said she was movin’ in with her son.’

  ‘So she was the side that’s joined onto your house?’ Gwawr is waving her pen. ‘And the new neighbours, what are they like?’

  ‘Don’ know,’ Mammy says. ‘Never seen ’em. Never heard ’em.’

  ‘So you get on with all the neighbours then,’ Gwawr says. ‘And one of them gave you a bed for Tomos. She must be friendly enough.’

  ‘The one on tha’ side.’ Mammy’s pointing to where the lady next door lives.

  ‘So no complaints about the neighbours.’ Gwawr is smiling at us.

  The lady with the big bag says, ‘And so far, only one complaint from them.’ She’s writing something down.

  ‘Would you say you’re coping on your own?’ Gwawr says.

  ‘Yeah,’ Mammy says.

  ‘Because you did have a lot of support until recently from your foster parents.’ Gwawr is looking at her papers. ‘The Ifans. They’re very well thought of.’

  Mammy has made a funny noise. ‘Yeah right.’

  ‘We know you fell out with them, Ree,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘But they did an awful lot for you.’ She’s looking at Mammy with a bit of a cross face. ‘They were very involved with Thomas’s care, and you can’t deny you were away a lot.’

  Mammy’s legs have gone very hard. I am wriggling a bit. I’m trying to get comfy.

  Gwawr says, ‘But all that’s in the past now.’ She’s holding out her hand to the lady with the big bag. I’m wondering if she wants to take her pen but she isn’t taking it. She’s putting her hand back on her papers now. ‘You’re here and you’re taking care of Tomos yourself.’ Gwawr’s mouth is nearly smiling. ‘And you feel you’re coping all right, Ree?’

  Mammy’s moving her legs. She’s sitting up straight. ‘I didn’ “fall out” with them.’ She’s saying it in a loud voice. ‘That man…’ She’s moving her legs again. I’m trying not to slip off her lap. ‘My foster father was violent to my boy.’ She’s putting her arms round me and squeezing me tight. ‘Did you forget that?’ She’s squeezing me more. She’s looking at the lady with the big bag. ‘Dafydd hurt ’im.’

  ‘No, we haven’t forgotten,’ Gwawr says. ‘We’re looking into it.’

  Mammy’s still squeezing me tight. ‘You don’ need to look into it. ’Less you don’ believe me.’

  I’m wriggling a bit because I want Mammy to stop squeezing me. And I want to get down off her lap.

  ‘These things have to be properly investigated,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘Or people could say whatever they wanted. About anyone.’

  ‘Anyway.’ Gwawr is saying it fast. She’s saying it in quite a loud voice. ‘You say you’re coping, Ree. That’s good.’ She’s nodding at Mammy and she’s writing something on her paper.

  ‘Bed wetting’s still a problem though,’ the lady with the big bag says.

  ‘Yeah well,’ Mammy’s not squeezing me anymore. I’m getting off her lap and I’m sitting on the floor by her feet.

  ‘Thomas needs clean clothes,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘And a sheet on his bed.’

  ‘He’ll have a new mattress,’ Gwawr says. ‘With the new bed. Until then, air Tomos’s room and use the mattress covers Rachel brought last time. And you’ll have a little help at Christmas, Rhianno… Sorry, I mean Ree,’ she says. ‘If you want it.’

  Mammy’s lifting up her shoulders. ‘Like wha’?’

  ‘A food hamper and something for the little one,’ Gwawr says. She’s winking at me like Dat does. ‘Something from Santa.’

  Something from Santa? I’m looking forward to having something from Santa. Last year at Nanno and Dat’s he brought me the new red train for my train set. The one that tips logs out. And he brought me chocolates in my stocking. And a blue torch that has a light that changes colour. And a box of paints and a colouring book. And Santa is the same as Father Christmas. And Father Christmas is the same as Siôn Corn. That’s what Nanno and Dat call him.

  ‘Something from Siôn Corn?’ I say. ‘Yes, please!’

  ‘Siôn Corn,’ Gwawr says. ‘Ocariad, da iawn!’ She is smiling and smiling but Mammy’s face is cross.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll have wharrever,’ she says.

  ‘Good,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘They’ll be dropped off in a couple of days.’ She’s writing something on her papers.

  ‘Okay,’ Gwawr says. ‘We’re done for now.’ The ladies are standing up and Mammy is too. We’re all going into the hall and Gwawr’s opening the front door.

  ‘It was nice to meet you, Ree,’ she says. ‘And you too, Tomos.’ The ladies are going out. They’re smiling at us.

  ‘You have my number, Ree,’ the lady with the big bag says. ‘Ring if there are any problems. Bye, Thomas.’

  ‘See you in the new year,’ Gwawr says. They are going down the path.

  ‘See you in the new year,’ I say.

  They are going to a car. It isn’t the lady with the big bag’s car because it isn’t green and it hasn’t got a big dent in it. It is shiny and red. The ladies are getting in. Gwawr is driving it. I’m waving to the ladies. They’re driving away and I’m still waving to them. I’m waving and waving and waving.

  Mammy’s pulling my arm. The arm that’s waving. She’s closing the door. She’s making it bang. She’s going into the front room. She’s shouting and shouting and shouting. ‘Think they can blurry tell me wha’ to do.’ She’s shouting. And shouting it. She’s picking up her mug. She’s throwing it at the wall. Her tea is flying out. It’s splashed onto the telly. A big chunk of mug has broken off. Mammy is shouting. And shouting. And shouting. Lots of rude words.

  I’m going out into the hall. I’m going quietly. I don’t want Mammy to see me. I’m going up the stairs. I’m going into my bedroom. And I’m closing my door tight.

  * * *

  The man is here. The man with the web tattoo. He’s knocking. On the front door. He’s knocking. And knocking. And knocking. And knocking. I thought it was the ladies. I thought they’d come back. I nearly opened the door. I nearly forgot. But I must not open the door. I must not open it. When Mammy is out.

  He’s been knocking a long time. I’m behind the black chair. I’m waiting for him to go away. His knocks are very hard. I can see the door shaking. I can see it with my one eye. The eye that’s peeping round the chair. I’m waiting. And waiting. For him to go away.

  The man’s friend is her
e too. The friend with spiky hair. He’s round the back. He’s looking through the window. The one in the kitchen. He can’t see me. I’m behind the chair. He’s by the back door now. He’s shaking the handle. He’s shaking. And shaking it. But he can’t make it open. I locked it tight. After Mammy went out. And the key is in my pocket.

  The man with spiky hair has gone. He’s not by the back door anymore. I can hear him walking. He’s going past the long window. And the front room window. He’s by the front door now. He’s talking to the other man. The one with the web tattoo. ‘No one in there, Fly,’ he’s saying. ‘Just the kid.’

  The letter box is opening. I can see fingers. They’re pushing through the hole. I can see them with my one eye. ‘Hey, kid.’ It’s the man with the web tattoo. He’s shouting it. Through the letter box. I can see a corner of his tattoo. The corner by his mouth. Now I can see his eyes. I can see them through the letter box. They’re brown eyes like my eyes. ‘I know you’re in there.’ He has a very loud voice. ‘I can see your feet.’ I’m pulling my feet in. Tight. ‘Tell Brick I want my money. Don’t forget.’

  The letter box has closed. I can hear the men walking. Down the path. I can hear them getting into their car. I can hear doors closing. I can hear them starting the engine. I can hear them driving away.

  I’m going to stay behind the chair. I’m going to stay here. And wait for Mammy. I’m going to keep my feet pulled in tight. So no one can see me. I will wait here.

  Until Mammy comes home.

  * * *

  I can hear Mammy coming up the path. I’m running out from behind the chair and I’m running to the back door. I’m putting the key in the lock and I’m opening the door. She has come home at last. Brick is with her. He’s coming in fast through the door.