Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  If I had some paper I could write a letter to Nanno. I could say Dear Nanno, How are you? I am well. I have been to school today and I had a gold star from Miss. A star like catch a falling star. Because I did very good work. The very good work I did was hard sums. I did some writing too. I didn’t cross out very much. Just three words. And I did a drawing of Dat. He was playing trains with me. And do you know where Cwtchy is? I am missing him a lot. I am missing Dat too. Do you know where he is? And I am missing you. But I know where you are. You are in Heaven and I don’t care what Wes says. Love, Tomos xxx P.S. Do you know where Mammy is? She has been out a long time and I need the toilet.

  * * *

  The bell is ringing. It’s home time.

  ‘Have a lovely half term, everyone,’ Miss says.

  Some children are saying, ‘You too, Miss.’

  All the children are going. I’m still in the classroom because I’m eating Miss’s sandwiches. I helped her with her sandwiches at playtime too. I help Miss with her sandwiches every day.

  I had egg sandwiches at playtime. They were yummy. These sandwiches are tuna mayo and sweetcorn. Miss’s husband has made them by mistake again. Sometimes her husband makes cheese sandwiches. They’re nice. Sometimes he makes ham sandwiches. They’re nice too. But my favourite ones are tuna mayo and sweetcorn. He makes them quite a lot and my second favourite is egg and he always puts a pot of rice pudding in the box and a little spoon and he always puts a chocolate biscuit in too and a banana or an apple and one day he put a little orange in but I don’t like oranges and he doesn’t put oranges in anymore and sometimes he puts a strawberry milkshake in the lunch box and I drink it with a straw and I like straws. I like milkshakes too.

  He’s put a milkshake in Miss’s packed lunch today and I’m sucking on the straw. There’s no milkshake left but I’m still sucking. I’m waiting for Miss to finish her marking. She says it won’t take long. She says all the teachers are leaving early because it’s the last day before half term. I’m sucking on the straw and holding the chocolate biscuit.

  I’m giving Miss the lunch box because it’s empty and she’s putting it back in her bag. I’m still holding the chocolate biscuit. I’m going to eat it when I’m walking home with Miss.

  ‘Have you got a library book for the holiday, Tomos?’

  ‘Yes.’ I’m showing her.

  ‘The Twits,’ Miss says. ‘You like Roald Dahl’s books, don’t you?’

  I’m nodding. ‘I like the pictures.’ I’m putting my library book under my arm.

  ‘Next time you should look on the shelf that’s for our class. There are lots of books on there that you can read.’ We’re going out of the classroom. We’re going past the staffroom. Mrs Gregory from Year Six is in there. Miss is shouting, ‘Have a good week, Fran.’

  ‘You too, Lowri,’ Mrs Gregory says. ‘Are you definitely back after half term?’

  ‘Yes,’ Miss says. ‘For at least a month.’

  I’ve found a yellow bean on the front of my jumper. A yellow bean from one of my sandwiches. I’m putting it in my mouth and I’m popping it. It’s lovely and sweet.

  ‘Great,’ Mrs Gregory says. ‘Enjoy your week away from the madhouse.’

  Miss is laughing and we’re going out of the school door. Me and Miss. And out of the school gate. I’m still holding the chocolate biscuit. I’m looking forward to opening it.

  ‘Aren’t you eating that?’ Miss says.

  ‘I’m saving it ’til we turn the corner.’ I’m waiting and waiting until we turn the corner.

  We’re turning it and I’m opening my chocolate biscuit fast fast. Miss is looking in her bag. She’s taking out a box and she’s showing it to me. ‘Do you like these, Tomos? They’re cereal bars. They’ve got chocolate chips in them.’ I’m looking at the box. There’s a picture of some biscuits on it. They look nice. I’m nodding. ‘Good,’ Miss says. ‘Perhaps you can keep them in your bedroom and eat them in the holiday. There are nine biscuits in the box. One for each day of half term.’ She’s giving me the box. ‘Tuck it up your jumper to keep it safe.’

  I’m putting the box up my jumper. ‘Thank you.’ It’s hard to say it because my mouth is full of chocolate biscuit.

  We’re nearly by our house now. I can see our gate that doesn’t shut. We are at next door’s gate. It’s where Miss always stops when we walk home together but she’s not stopping today. Miss is going a bit near our gate. ‘Right,’ she says. ‘I wonder if your mum is home. Is she usually there when you get in?’ Her voice sounds wobbly. She’s looking round our hedge a bit.

  I’m thinking. ‘Sometimes she’s there.’

  Miss is biting her lip. ‘If I stay here, can you run up the path to see if she’s home? Just hold up your thumb to let me know you can see her.’ Her voice is still wobbly. ‘Because it’s half term next week.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll see if she’s in the front room.’

  I’m running through our gate. I’m going to look through our window to see if Mammy’s home. I’m starting to run up our path but someone is coming down it.

  ‘Mammy!’ I say. ‘You’re home.’

  Mammy’s not looking at me. She’s pushing me out of the way. My library book has fallen onto the path. Mammy’s face is scrunched up. It’s very pink. ‘Cow,’ she says. She’s shouting it. ‘Blurry bitch.’ I’m going after her. I’m standing by the gate. I’m watching her. She’s waving her arms. And she’s shouting at Miss. ‘Don’ you come round interferin’,’ she’s shouting. ‘Blurry bitch.’

  Miss is holding her hands out. She’s holding onto Mammy’s arms. ‘Calm down, Ree. I’m not interfering. I just want to help.’

  Mammy’s pulling Miss’s hands off her arms. She’s saying a lot of rude words. ‘Dafydd told you to come an’ spy on me, didn’ee?’ She’s walking away from Miss. She’s walking backwards. ‘Don’ think I don’ know wha’ yorr both up to.’

  ‘No,’ Miss says. ‘This isn’t anything to do with him. Look, I know you’re upset about Nannette—’

  ‘Shurr up,’ Mammy says. She’s still shouting. ‘You don’ know nothing. You don’t know nothing ’bout me now.’

  ‘Don’t be like this in front of Tomos,’ Miss says. ‘You’re scaring him.’ She’s looking at me. I’m peeping round the hedge. I’m peeping at Miss and Mammy. ‘It’s okay.’ Miss is saying it to me. Her face looks very kind. ‘Everything’s okay, Tomos.’

  ‘Leave ’im alone,’ Mammy says. She’s shouting it at Miss. ‘He’s not your kid.’

  ‘Okay,’ Miss says. ‘I’ll go.’ She’s walking away a bit.

  Mammy’s shouting rude things. She’s looking at me now. She’s looking at my coat. It’s the one Miss gave me. From the lost property box. ‘This ain’t yours.’ Mammy’s pulling it off me. The box of biscuits is nearly falling out from under my jumper. She’s pulling my coat off one arm. She’s pulling it off the other arm now. She’s throwing the coat at Miss. It’s fallen on the pavement.

  Miss is picking it up. She’s walking backwards. She’s walking away from Mammy and me. She’s hugging and hugging the coat. She’s waving a tiny bit. ‘Bye, Tomos.’ She’s turning round. And she’s walking down the pavement.

  ‘Tha’s right,’ Mammy says. ‘Run away, bitch. You’re good at that. Run away again.’ Mammy’s pulling me onto the pavement. I’m picking up my library book. I’m picking it up fast. I’m holding it under my arm. And I’m putting my hand on the box of biscuits. I’m stopping the box falling out from under my jumper. Mammy’s putting her arm round my shoulders. She’s squeezing me tight. I’m watching Miss walking down the road. She’s walking very fast.

  Mammy’s poking me with her finger. She’s poking me on my front. She’s shouting at Miss. ‘Ee’s not your kid. Okay?’ Her other arm is still round my shoulders. She’s squeezing me very hard. She’s holding my head now. She’s squashing it. She’s squashing it to her tummy. Mammy’s shouting again. ‘Oi, bitch.’ She’s shouting it even louder. ‘OI, BITCH.’

  M
iss is not turning round. She’s still walking away. I can see her with my eye that isn’t squashed. I’m still holding tight to my jumper. My heart is banging on my box of biscuits. Bang bang. Bang bang.

  Mammy’s waving her finger. She’s waving it at the house across the road. ‘An’ you can stop nosing out your window.’ She’s shouting it to the lady moving her curtains. Mammy’s looking at Miss again. ‘This is good.’ She’s saying it to me and she’s laughing. ‘This is real good.’ Mammy’s shouting at Miss again now. ‘If you wanted a kid, bitch…’ She is shouting and laughing and laughing. ‘If you wanted a kid…’ She is very very loud. ‘You should have KEPT YOUR OWN.’

  * * *

  I’m waiting for Mammy to come home. I’ve been waiting a long time. I’ve been playing and playing with my truck. I’ve been driving it on my train table. I’ve been driving it round the hedges and on the train tracks and over the level crossings and on the little roads. I’ve been driving it past all the little people and past all the little animals. They’ve been talking to my truck. They’ve been saying they want to go for a ride in it. They want to but they can’t. They’re stuck down. They’re stuck down tight with Dat’s special glue.

  I’m driving my truck up my ladder now. And I’m parking it with my letter and my coin. I’m pulling all the clothes round me. And round my truck. I’m trying to make us warm. And I’m trying to look at my library book. I’m tipping it to the window. It’s very dark outside. It’s very rainy too. The light outside is shining on my book. But it’s hard to see the pictures.

  I’m waiting to tell Mammy about the lights inside our house. I want to tell her they went off again. I was hoping she was taking the lectric key to the shop. I was hoping and hoping she was putting more money on it. But my fingers found the key down the side of the settee. That’s where Mammy keeps it. And I want to tell her to take it to the shop. The light outside is shining in a bit. But I don’t like it when the lights go off inside the house. I don’t like it when the lights won’t work. I don’t like it at all. Mammy needs to put more money on the lectric key. And I am waiting and waiting to tell her.

  I’m putting my hand under the jumpers on my bed. I’m looking for something with my fingers. My fingers have found my truck and they’ve found my fifty pence. And Nanno’s letter. They’ve found the triangle box the lady next door gave me. It was full of chocolate. Lovely lovely chocolate. My tummy is making a grumbly noise. It’s wishing the box was full of chocolate again. My fingers are moving past the box the lady next door gave me. They’re looking for something else. They’re looking for the box Miss gave me. The box of biscuits.

  My fingers have found it and they’re looking in the box. They’re counting the biscuits. One. Two. Three. They’re pulling one of the biscuits out.

  These are nice biscuits. They’re big and crunchy and they have bits of chocolate in them. I’ve been eating one every day of the holiday like Miss told me to. Every day so far. I think it will be time to go back to school soon. When the biscuits are all gone.

  I’m eating my biscuit and I’m thinking about Miss. I’m thinking about the sandwiches she brings to school. The egg sandwiches and the tuna mayo and sweetcorn ones. I’m thinking about the little pots of rice pudding and the milkshakes.

  I’m remembering the packet of crisps I had for tea. It was a blue packet. I don’t like the blue packets very much. There are just pink packets left now. I’m saving them for Mammy. For when she comes home. I don’t think Miss likes crisps. Her husband doesn’t give her any for lunch. But he does make her tuna mayo and sweetcorn sandwiches. And egg sandwiches. And little pots of rice pudding. And milkshakes.

  I think I have heard a noise. My ears are listening and listening. They’re listening to see if Mammy has come home. They’re listening and listening and listening. They can hear the rain. It’s tapping my window. They can hear lots and lots of tapping. But they can’t hear Brick’s car. And they can’t hear Mammy. They can’t hear her coming home. But my ears are still listening and listening.

  I’m thinking about Cwtchy. I’m thinking about him and I’m missing him. I wish he was with me in the dark. Waiting for Mammy to come home. If he was here now I could hold him. And he would say, ‘Don’t worry, Tomos. Mammy will come home.’ And he would say, ‘The lights will work again soon.’ And he would say, ‘Mammy will get more crisps tomorrow.’ And he would say, ‘Don’t worry about Nanno, Tomos. She really is in Heaven.’

  And I would say, ‘I know she is, Cwtchy. I know she is.’

  * * *

  I’ve eaten all the biscuits. I had the last one last night and Miss is right. It’s school again. It’s school again now the box is empty because Kaylee and her mammy have stopped by the gate and I’m walking to school with them and I’ve got my library book under my arm. It’s very nice to see them.

  ‘Be good,’ Kaylee’s mammy says. She has stopped by the door to school. Me and Kaylee are running in to see Miss.

  ‘Did you all remember your library books?’ Miss says. She’s standing by the door to our classroom. She’s talking to the children going into class. ‘We’re not allowed to keep library books, are we? We take them home, read them and bring them back. We just borrow them.’

  Some children are taking their library books out of their bags. Some children are saying they forgot them. Eddie is shaking his book at Miss. ‘Well done for remembering, Eddie,’ she says. ‘Take it to the library and change it for another one.’ Eddie is running off fast. ‘Hello, Kaylee,’ Miss says. She’s seen us in the corridor. ‘Did you enjoy your holiday?’

  Kaylee’s nodding. ‘We went to soft play two times.’

  ‘Lovely.’ Miss is smiling at me now and I’m smiling and smiling at Miss. ‘Tomos, don’t you look happy? How was your holiday?’

  ‘Nice,’ I say. I think it was nice. And it’s nice to be back. It’s very nice to be back in school.

  ‘Good.’ Miss is smiling and smiling at me. ‘Have you got your library book?’

  ‘Yes.’ I’m holding it up. ‘I didn’t read it. I just looked at the pictures. They’re good.’ The pictures have sticky people in them with arms and legs like sticks and hair that sticks out too.

  ‘You can take it to the library now, and change it for another book if you like,’ Miss says. ‘You too, Kaylee.’

  Kaylee and me are taking our books and we’re going to the library. Eddie is running back to class. He’s shouting ‘Miss, Miss, I found this one.’ I can hear Miss talking. She’s quite far away now. She’s saying ‘Well done, Eddie. That looks interesting.’

  Wes is in the library. He’s pulling books off the shelves and he’s making a tower of books on the floor. Seren is in the library too. ‘Don’t do that, Wes,’ she says. ‘I’m telling. You’re not supposed to be in here anyway. It’s our class’s turn today.’ Wes is not listening. He’s making his tower bigger and he’s pulling his leg back. He’s giving the tower a big kick. ‘Right,’ Seren says. ‘I’m telling Mrs Pugh.’ She’s going out of the library.

  Wes is going out of the library too. He’s running. ‘See ya later,’ he says. I think he’s saying it to me.

  ‘See ya later,’ I say. I don’t think he has heard me because he’s running very fast.

  I’m trying to find a special book. It’s my favourite. It’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But I can’t find it. It’s not where I put it back before the holidays. I’m taking another book. It’s called The BFG. It has sticky drawings too like the book I brought back and like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I like sticky drawings and I’m going to draw some for Nanno on a letter if it’s wet play.

  * * *

  It has not been wet play. It’s been windy play and we’ve been playing outside. We’ve lined up but we haven’t gone back into class. We’ve come to sit in the hall. Mrs Pugh Year Two’s class is in the hall too. We have had to sit on the floor and we’re all quiet now. Because Mrs Pugh Year Two has been shouting.

  We’re having to listen to her talking.
She’s been telling us about a trip. And about waterproof trousers. And behaviour. And sensible shoes. She’s been talking about them for a long long time.

  ‘Who thinks they would like to come on my trip?’ she says.

  Lots of people are putting their hands up. I’m looking round at all the hands. Miss is putting her hand up. She’s sitting at the front of the hall. I’m putting my hand up too.

  Mrs Pugh Year Two is showing us her teeth. They are small and pointy. ‘Good. You’ll all have a letter to take home at the end of today.’ She’s holding up a piece of paper. There’s a lot of writing on it. ‘It might seem like next month is a long way away, but you must bring the permission slip back as soon as possible.’ She’s giving lots of the papers to Miss. ‘Any questions?’ Mrs Pugh Year Two is looking at us all. Everyone is very quiet. She’s pointing now. ‘Yes, Louisa?’ She’s still showing us her teeth.

  ‘How much is it?’ a girl says.

  Mrs Pugh Year Two has stopped showing us her teeth. ‘I’ve told you already. It costs twelve pounds fifty. That covers the bus too. You weren’t listening, were you Louisa?’ She’s looking very cross. ‘Were you?’

  ‘No, Mrs Pugh.’ Louisa’s voice is quiet.

  Mrs Pugh Year Two is showing us her pointy teeth again. ‘Any other questions?’ Everyone is very quiet. No one is putting up their hands. ‘Well then, that’s all I have to say.’ Everyone is starting to move. There’s a bit of a busy sound in the hall. ‘I haven’t finished yet.’ Mrs Pugh Year Two is saying it in a loud voice. We are all staying still again. ‘That is all I have to say, except for one last thing.’ She is walking up and down at the front of the hall. She’s looking at all of us. She’s looking at us very carefully. ‘I’ve been planning this trip for a long time. I’ve had to make a lot of phone calls. I’ve sent a lot of emails. I’ve had to write a lot of lists. Is anyone here going to spoil this trip for me?’ She’s looking and looking and looking at us. She’s waiting for someone to say they will spoil her trip. Eddie’s putting his hand up. ‘Well, I know you’ll spoil my trip, Eddie Edwards,’ she says. ‘I’m expecting that. You can put your hand down. Anyone else? Think hard.’