Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery)

by Gale Borger

  Tony poked Evo in the ribs and said, "Hah. Mr. Polo shirt looks like your kind of guy."

  "Shut up or I'll hit you again." Tony shut up.

  The man in the polo shirt walked up to Evo and asked, "Mr. Castillo?" Evo nodded.

  "Let's step over here and we can take care of business." He led Evo to the tailgate, and retrieved a briefcase from the truck. After signing stacks of papers Evo shook the man's hand. The mechanic and the brothers had everything loaded in the back of the truck and were in the process of emptying the Suzuki and stuffing Evo's clothes into his new duffel bags.

  Tony's mouth hung open and Evo clipped him on the chin, snapping it shut. "Knock it off, little brother, you look like a tourist. These gentlemen even offered to return that sardine can to Milwaukee."

  Alfredo jumped in front of Evo, the fur flaps on his wolf hat flopping about his ears. "Please, Mr. Evo, could we keep the car? We can pay for it!"

  Evo looked at the brothers and Luis nodded furiously. "We would like not to be an inconvenience to you, and having our own transportation is a good start."

  "I don't mind if no one else does." Mr. Polo Shirt nodded his head.

  Evo thanked Polo Shirt who climbed into the mechanic's truck and the two drove away. Evo turned to the eager-faced Gallegos brothers. He handed them a credit card and said, "Gas only."

  They shouted, "Yes," and hugged each other, bouncing up and down. Alfredo threw his arms around Evo, and the wolf's nose hit Evo in the chest. The impact knocked the hat off his head and it fell in the street, under a tire of Evo's new truck. They all stared at the wolf, which looked a little worse for wear. Tony bent to retrieve it.

  Just then a little old lady on her way out of the store saw the wolf's head sticking out from under the tire and screamed. "You ran over that poor dog." She whacked Tony with her shopping bag. Tony stiffened then went down like a rock, landing with a splat on the sidewalk. The three pounds of wild birdseed the woman had in her bag had exploded on impact. Millet rained down on the small group like rice at a wedding.

  The old woman left heel prints on Tony's back as she walked over his prone body. She grabbed the wolf hat, saying, "Oh, poor puppy."

  When she saw what she held, she screamed and threw it on the sidewalk. "Yuck. That's no puppy. She looked over her shoulder at a bleeding Tony and bit a fingernail. "Uh, sorry. I thought you killed someone's pet."

  Evo jumped to help Tony turn over. He knelt beside him as the little old lady tiptoed around Tony's inert form and patted him on the head. "Sorry, young man."

  She laid the wolf hat on the sidewalk. Another little old lady in a red Crown Victoria careened around Evo's black truck, almost taking the bumper with it. People jumped out of the way as it bumped over the curb onto the sidewalk.

  The car screeched to a halt and rocked wildly as she slammed it into park. The driver's door flew open, and a scrawny leg appeared in the opening.

  The gathering crowd looked on while a blue-haired whirlwind carrying a pink purse the size of a small suitcase emblazoned with an enormous sequined parrot scrambled out of the huge car.

  She trotted around the back of the car, elbows pumping furiously as her top speed reached about a half-mile per hour. She yelled at the top of her lungs, "Everyone back! I know CPR."

  The lady with the birdseed tried to stop her by jumping in front of her. She grabbed at the pink purse "Mary, no! He's breathing. I hit him because I thought he killed a dog, Stop, Mary. Stop!"

  Mary didn't hear her (those who know her knew she was deaf as a doornail) and bowled over her friend and dragged her across the sidewalk. As she tugged, she opened her pink suitcase and rummaged inside for Lord only knew what. She headed to where Tony lie sprawled.

  With her head in her purse and her legs pumping away, she never saw it coming when her feet tangled in the wolf hat her friend had dropped on the sidewalk. She tried to correct herself, but instead catapulted through the air, her purse emptying its contents in her wake.

  Her head connected with Tony's chin just as he tried to sit up, and he flipped backward like he'd been hit with a baseball bat, his head making a sickening thud on the sidewalk. This time Tony didn't get up. Mary landed straddled across his chest, her purse dangling from the ball hitch on the truck.

  She shook her head and her blue curls winked in the sunlight. "Whew. What a lucky break. She sat on Tony's chest and checked out his unconscious body. She rose and fell with the rhythm of Tony's breathing. "Just think, this boy would have been a goner without me. I saved his life. The crowd cheered and the little old lady fisted her hands over her head like the World's Extremely Light Weight Champion.

  "Whoop. Her legs suddenly flew up in the air as Evo snatched her off Tony's inert form. She hung like a rag doll wearing cement blocks on her feet.

  "Lady, he was almost a goner because of you! He set her on her feet.

  She brushed off her sleeve and crossed her arms. "Well I never! What kind of ingrate are you?" She lifted her chin "Humph. Good thing I don't save lives for a living. I couldn't take the abuse."

  Evo leaned over Tony, lifting his eyelids. "You're right, lady, if you did, the streets would be littered with dead bodies." He tapped Tony's cheek.

  Mary sniffed and put her nose in the air. "Come, Joy, some people are just unappreciative of a Good Samaritan."

  Joy cast a worried look at Tony from her place on the sidewalk and bit her lip. "It kind of seems to me that poor boy was just fine before we got a hold of him." She looked around at the bird seed scattered all over the sidewalk. "Wait for me, Mary. I'm going to see if I can get my birdseed replaced. There must have been a hole in the bag or something." She turned and trotted back into the store.

  Mary shook her head. "Joy. What a cheapskate." She bent to pick up the items from her purse. For the first time, Evo looked at the contents of that purse, now strewn across the pavement. There were bobby pins, receipts, coupons, and a notebook. Also laying on the pavement was bubble gum, a 9/16 wrench, a shower cap, a glass doorknob, two Snickers Bars, a set of lock pick tools, some K-Y, and a .38 Smith & Wesson. Joy came tottering out of the store toting a new bag of birdseed. She was in time to watch Mary pick up the revolver. The crowd fell back screaming, and scrambled for cover.

  Joy grabbed the gun away from Mary and stuffed it in the pink bag. "Mary Cromwell, I was right there when Sheriff Green told you never to carry this gun around again! Remember last time you had it? Mrs. Simmons' cat only has half a tail because of you."

  "The little bastard was taking a crap on my patio. He's lucky that's all I shot off."

  "Nevermind, hurry up and stash that thing before someone else gets hurt."

  "Oh, alright. Geez, Joy, you're really becoming prudish in your old age."

  Evo continued trying to rouse Tony, but he remained unconscious. Becoming alarmed, Evo raised his hand to interrupt the arguing seniors. "Uh, excuse me, but my brother seems to be hurt here. Can someone call for assistance, please?"

  "Doctor, doctor, call 911," Mary screeched, spinning around on one foot, flapping her arms as if about to take flight.

  Joy put a hand on her sternum and halted Mary in mid lift-off. "Get a grip, Cromwell."

  A smooth voice from the crowd said, "I'm not a doctor, but I know first aid. What is the problem?"

  The hair lifted on the back of Evo's neck. He looked up, knowing he would be staring into the startling blue eyes of Dr. Samón Fernandini. His chest tightened and he couldn't breathe as he watched her make her way through the crowd. She stared in stunned silence at Evo then followed his gaze to the unconscious body on the ground. She screeched and dropped to her knees. She reached out to touch Tony's hand.

  "Tony! Oh Evo, is he all right? Tony. She fumbled with her purse and pulled out plastic gloves and snapped them on. She looked up and Evo saw tears swimming in her eyes. "Help me, Evo. Take your shirt off. Here, let me look at his head. Keep supporting his neck."

  That shocked Evo back into reality. He ripped off his shirt and moved back
far enough for Sam to squeeze between him and Tony. Sam felt around the back of his head and pulled back a bloody glove. She folded Evo's shirt and placed it over the wound.

  "Where is the owner of this truck?" She felt her way down Tony's body, looking for broken bones.

  "I'm the owner," Evo answered. "And before you attack me, Tony didn't get run over by a truck; he got run over by a little old lady."

  "Say that again?"

  "He got run over–˝

  "I heard that part. How can you own this truck, and what is Tony really doing on the sidewalk lying next to a dead animal? Was he trying to save it or did it attack him?"

  Alfredo spoke up. "Uh, no, Dr. Sam. Evo did not run over an animal, either. That is my very wonderful new Iditarod Timber Wolf Sub-Zero hat. I guess it is not so wonderful now; it has caused much trouble." He stubbed his toe on the ground. Evo motioned for Alfredo to come toward the back of the truck where Tony lie.

  Alfredo squatted next to Tony and Evo handed him his wolf hat. Evo spoke softly and patted his shoulder. "It is a wonderful hat, my friend. The lady just misunderstood." Alfredo beamed, and Sam stared at Evo as if seeing him for the first time. She shook her head to clear it and stroked Tony's cheek, looking at the bruise forming below his eye.

  Tony moaned and opened his eyes. "Either I died and you're an angel, or Evo somehow found Sam and I'm in heaven anyway."

  Evo snorted and Sam stared daggers at him. Tony half smiled and said, "Don't mind Evo, Sam, he's just jealous that you have your hands on me and not him." He smiled serenely and closed his eyes again.

  At her sharp intake of breath, Evo looked into those devastating eyes again and stood abruptly. He noticed her eyes widen and leave his face. He heard the crowd gasp and tried to figure out what caused the commotion. Running a hand through his hair he chuckled nervously. "Man, he is out of it, Doc. He doesn't know what he's saying. Shouldn't we call an ambulance or something?" He chuckled nervously and realized the crowd was staring at him.

  Evo ran his hands up and down his thighs and walked a few paces away. The crowd's eyes followed him. He turned back and clutched his stomach as his ulcer burned anew. He noticed Sam watching him intently and tried to will the pain into submission. He forced his hand down to his pocket and shoved his fist into it, ignoring the pain ripping through his belly. He walked to the back of the truck and pulled out a new polo shirt. Pulling it over his head he heard the crowd sigh.

  Evo looked at the one they called Mary and she let out a whistle. "Hoo Baby. It's a shame to cover up that gorgeous body. If I was only fifty years younger…"

  Evo realized they were staring at his state of undress and embarrassment heated his face.

  Tony picked that moment to groan dramatically and made a great show of trying to sit up. Sam helped him, and he settled back against her, his head lolling against her chest. Evo forgot his ulcer as fire seared through his veins. He pulled himself up short as he recognized jealousy. He had no time to analyze the phenomenon as a crash and a screech sounded behind him.

  "Ouch. Damn. Wait. Here, ow. Hey, I can help; look what I found."

  He turned in time to catch a slight body against his chest a split second after her leg banged into the trailer hitch. His arms automatically went around her as she slammed into his chest.

  "Oooff," puffed out of her as the impact left her breathless. "Thanks, that kind-of happens a lot," she said.

  "Which one, banging into things, or falling on strange men?"

  She looked up at him and smiled. "The banging part."

  Evo couldn't help but smile back at the endearing picture she made. Her strawberry blonde hair had flopped over her lightly freckled, pixie-pretty face, and her small, rectangular glasses hung askew. She smiled back at him nervously and pushed against his chest. He realized he hadn't let her go and stood her back on her feet.

  Evo was brought rudely back to reality as a dry voice said irritably, "Excuse me, Casanova, but can you take your hands off my friend long enough to let her give me a hand here?"

  Evo looked down to see Sam holding out her hand, brow raised and head tilted to the side. Evo stepped back as the pixie gave Sam a box of gauze and bandages.

  "Do you keep bandages with you in case of emergency?" Evo looked a little surprised.

  The pixie ripped a package open with her teeth. "I need them more often than I'd care to admit."

  She stood, brushed her hands against her jeans, and held out her hand. "Dr. Castillo, I presume?"

  He took her hand. "Uh, yes, and you are?"

  She smiled again, animation lighting her face. "I'm Fred Miller, Sam's college roommate. May I call you Tony?"

  "Not on my worst day, but you may call me Evo." At her shocked expression, Evo smiled and pointed down at Tony. "That's Tony. I'm his older brother."

  "Oh. She jerked her hand away and stepped back, almost falling over Sam. "S-s-sorry. Whoop. Sam put a hand on Fred's butt and shoved her back toward Evo. She stuttered and Evo chuckled. "I guess you've heard of me. I am–how does that go, Samón? The devastatingly handsome but asshole brother'?"

  Sam had the decency to blush. "Uh, something like that."

  Fred practically fell apart. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Castillo. I didn't even know you were a doctor–not that it matters–but I thought…that is I heard…" She glanced nervously at Sam who just smiled. "Well, she got the handsome part right, anyway."

  Evo smiled, took her hand, and kissed her knuckles. "I cannot begin to imagine the kind of words Dr. Fernandini had to say in my regard, Miss Miller, but I can assure you, I do not eat pretty American women for lunch, so please calm down. Why don't we get Tony off the sidewalk and you ladies can be on your way?"

  "Oh, right. Tony. On the sidewalk–okay uh, how is he, Sam? Uh, Tony, I mean."

  Sam replied coolly, "Tony will be fine, but you, my dear might need major counseling. Don't feel bad though, Evo often has that effect on people."

  Evo ground teeth together, reminded once again that he had a painful burning in his stomach from the ulcer, and a pain in his ass from Sam Fernandini. "Can we just get this done so I, can get out of here, uh, I mean so everyone can be on their way?"

  Tony chose that moment to pipe up, "No hospital though, please, Evo."

  Fred broke in, "But you need to be looked at. That was an awful crack."

  Evo asked Fred, "Do you have a local physician who could possibly see him?"

  "Sure we do, we have a satellite walk-in that's open until eight tonight. If not, Mike Dudley, our local veterinarian can take a look at him." Evo searched her face for the punch line, but saw she was perfectly serious.

  "Uh, veterinarian–right. Tony is not a pig, but according to Dr. Fernandini, I am." He shot Sam a smile. "With your permission, Dr. Ferna-meanie?"

  Sam shot him an evil look and said very softly, "Fine with me, Dr. Evil."

  Evo chuckled as he helped Tony to his feet. "Good one, Sam. I didn't know you had it in you."

  "There's a lot you don't know about me, Castillo."

  He raised a brow and lowered his voice. "Much of which I cannot wait to find out, Fernandini."

  She spun and huffed off toward Fred's car. "I'll see you in hell first, Dr. Casanova!"

  Evo stared after her, his mouth hanging open. "What did I say?"

  Tony looked at a worried Fred and winked. "Round one goes to Sam, don't you think?"

  Fred stared dazedly after her friend and nodded silently.

  8

  A much more subdued group followed Fred to White Bass Lake. Tony had a headache, Evo had a gut ache, Alfredo blamed himself for the entire mess, and Luis knew enough to keep quiet. Sam followed behind in the rental car. She had asked Luis and Alfredo if they minded, stating she wanted a little quiet time to herself. The Brothers Gallegos fell over themselves to give her that, so the little Suzuki now trailed behind Evo's new truck.

  Evo told himself he was being a conscientious driver by checking the mirrors every few seconds, but in reality, he needed to reass
ure himself Sam didn't drive off somewhere. Why did it bother him so much? "See you in hell first," ate at him more than he cared to admit.

  It took less time to drive to White Bass Lake than he'd figured. When they reached town, Fred drove straight to the walk-in clinic. Sam offered to take the Gallegos brothers to the local bed and breakfast to get them settled. She drove Evo's truck and Alfredo drove the Suzuki so Luis and Alfredo could unpack both vehicles and play with their new stuff while Sam returned to the clinic to pick up Tony and Evo.

  Evo and Fred helped Tony into the clinic. Dr. Frank Beth shaved a spot and put a couple stitches in the back of Tony's head. He sent Tony home with a script and instructions. Evo and Fred had orders to watch for a concussion. By the time Sam returned, they'd eased a very groggy Tony into Evo's truck and all headed for Fred's.

  Fred insisted Evo and Tony stay at her house. She claimed Tony could be watched more easily. "It's also quiet and homey," she said.

  Evo protested. "What could be homier than a bed and breakfast? I understand the attraction to such an establishment is just that." He thought about Sam. He didn't think he could live under the same roof as her without making himself crazy. The thought of seeing Sam in her pajamas or God forbid in her underwear made him break out in a sweat. "We will not impose on you or Dr. Fernandini's vacation."

  Fred persisted, and Evo grumbled the entire way. I'm quite sure we'll be fine elsewhere, Miss Miller."

  "Fred," came a slurred voice from the back seat.

  Evo looked confused. "Fred what?"

  "Fred smiled. I think he means call me Fred."

  "Oh. Okay, Fred, why do you insist on us coming to your house? Can't you see Sam doesn't want me there?"

  Sam sighed. "Oh, Castillo, give it up. It doesn't matter where you sleep. Being in the same country with you is too close for me. Besides, Fred's right, so shut up, and say thank you to your host."

  Using all the remaining dignity he could muster, Evo turned to Fred. "I do apologize. My brother and I would be delighted to stay at your home, Miss Miller."