Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery)

by Gale Borger

  He cleared his throat. "I've never met anyone with your kind of gift before. I would like to talk to you again sometime."

  J.J. answered for me and my hackles rose. (I used to hate it when my ex-husband answered for me, as if I was incapable of coherent speech). "Sometime later, perhaps, but it's a little heavy for picnic conversation, don't you think?"

  He winked at me.

  "Why don't we get together tomorrow over at Mag and Ian's to go over those fish of yours, or we could meet at Fred's in the evening?"

  I relaxed, telling myself for the seven hundredth time that J.J. was nothing like Kendrick. Ken did it because he knew everything about everything, and tried for years to beat me into submission (literally and figuratively). J.J. did it out of respect for my gift–or curse–whatever role it took at the time.

  Fred came stumbling up just then, carrying a mounded plate of food and a tray table. J.J. jumped first and grabbed the table out of her hands. Fred took the paper plate in two hands just as it creased down the middle. A glop of green Jell-O plopped in Evo's lap, and Fred's face crumpled. Evo leaned forward to stand but was waylaid by a huge black monster that stuck its snout firmly into his crotch. Startled, Evo pitched back in his chair and my Jell-O sniffing dog followed straight into his lap.

  "Wesley," J.J. and I both yelled, and the monster spun around in the chair, giving Evo a face full of hairy dog butt. Evo threw his head back out of the way, and the momentum sent him and my 160-pound Newfoundland flying backward, tumbling into the yard.

  With his legs still dangling in the air, Evo shoved the great ball of fur off him. He lay sprawled on his back. Wesley snuffled his face and gave him a big slurpy kiss, leaving a stripe of green consisting of bits of grass mixed with doggy/Jell-O slime across Evo's jaw. Wes then sat there expectantly, grinning and wagging his big fluffy tail, waiting for praise, or even better, more food.

  Evo did a backward roll, successfully untangling himself from both chair and dog. Because he had dog slime and green Jell-O all over his hands too, he shook his head to get the hair out of his eyes and sat on his knees trying to make sense of what had just happened.

  It did his ego little good to see the entire crowd howling with laughter at his predicament. He shot my black behemoth an evil glare, but Wes, oblivious to Evo's ire, basked in the attention. Grinning and wagging his tail, he lumbered over to Evo and delicately licked his fingers. This sent new gales of laughter through the crowd, and Evo gave up and joined them.

  Evo stood and found himself immediately accosted by Fred holding a damp towel in her hand. She swiped at the Jell-O clinging to his jeans, and Evo yelped and jumped back when she made contact with his zipper.

  Unfortunately for him, she persevered, undaunted and determined to clean the goo off his jeans, but due to the sensitive location of the green smear, Evo remained equally determined to escape with his virtue intact. Every time she lunged with the towel, he jumped back. Evo could hear her sisters yelling at her, but Fred seemed to have a one-track mind. "Hold still, I've almost got it."

  The crowd roared and Evo hovered somewhere near panic. "Stop, for God's sake, Buzz, stop her! Sam, help! Get her away from me! Saaaaam!"

  Sam wiped the tears from her eyes and she and I performed a flying tackle on Fred. We bounced along the ground and Wesley joined in the melee. Women and dog rolled over into a pile of leaves left by the kids. Fred screeched, suddenly laughing and struggled for breath while Sam and I stuffed grass and leaves down her shirt. Mag grabbed up a handful of leaves and stuffed them down the neck of Sam's shirt. Soon, ten grown-ups were whooping it up and joining in the fray. The grass and leaves flew through the crisp late autumn air, and Evo couldn't help but shake his head and laugh along with us.

  Evo bent to pick up his camp chair and suddenly felt a cool breeze as Sam grabbed the back of his shirt and stuffed a handful of leaves up his back. With all the dignity of a king, Evo straightened and emptied the leaves onto the ground. He flapped the tail of his shirt a couple of times to make sure it was empty and slowly turned to watch Sam laugh. Fred stood wide-eyed.

  Sam sobered when Fred poked her. Evo did not look amused.

  Sam smiled. "Oh, lighten up, Castillo. You're on vacation."

  "Yeah," I said. "Learn how to relax once in a while. It's good for the soul, and the ulcer."

  Sam flicked a leaf in Evo's direction and put her hands on her hips. "Didn't you ever learn how to play? Come on, have a little fun." She narrowed her eyes. "I dare you."

  10

  Evo looked down at Sam and said, "Learn to play, eh? Dare me, Fernameanie? I'll show you who can play…"

  Sam sidestepped toward Fred. Fred stepped back as Sam continued to taunt Evo. "Come on, Evo, no need to get upset. We're only having a little fun."

  "Fun?" He advanced toward her.

  Fred stepped back again, but Sam held her ground, a smug expression covering her features. "You don't scare me, big boy. I double dare you to do something fun. Do you even know how?"

  "I know how to have fun, Sam, but can you take the heat?" Like a big cat he stalked one step closer.

  The crowd "Ooo'd."

  Sam finally had the good sense to look uncomfortable for a moment. "You don't intimidate me."

  "That's your first mistake," he said, and took a step forward.

  She reached out behind her for Fred and found nothing but air. She looked back and realized her friend had abandoned her. Evo took another step forward and she stepped back. Nervous, but trying valiantly to hide it, she flipped the long veil of straight black hair over her shoulder. Evo's ears flamed red and his breath caught.

  Sam raised her chin and took another step back. "I can take whatever you dish out, Dr. King of the World, so stop trying to intimidate me with your macho innuendos."

  The crowd bobbed their heads back and forth as if watching a ping-pong match. All eyes were back on Evo and I whispered to J.J., "Well, at least the crowd's attention is diverted from us for a while–which reminds me, buster. You and I have to talk."

  J.J. ruffled my hair and said, "Wait 'til after the show, hon. I'm enjoying this."

  I let out a humph, which made J.J. smile. I pinched the underside of his bicep and he winced and grabbed my hand, moving us forward for a better view of the action.

  We moved in next to Sal, who'd closed the diner early so he could "supervise the food." This translated into catching all the latest town gossip first hand. He looked like an excited school kid. I was surprised he wasn't taking notes or pictures. My mother, bless her heart, was.

  As the crowd looked on with avid interest, Evo lunged forward before Sam could scoot out of his reach. He grabbed her shirt and yanked her toward him. Their bodies crashed together. They stood frozen, nose to nose, her shirt fisted in his hand, both breathing hard, neither giving an inch. Evo slowly looked over her head into the neighbor's back yard and back at Sam. Sam narrowed her eyes and said through her teeth, "You wouldn't dare."

  An evil grin spread across Evo's face, and a quiet chant of "Evo, Evo, Ee-Vo, Ee-Vo" rippled through the crowd. Quickly ducking, he grabbed her around the knees and hoisted her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. She screeched and pounded his back as he turned away from the crowd, striding toward the in-ground pool in the neighbor's yard. The crowd went wild and followed.

  Joy Broussard elbowed my mom and said, "Boy, Gerry, I didn't know you planned free entertainment. Mom ignored her and kept clicking.

  Mary leaned forward and proclaimed loudly, "Joy, you're always first in line when anything is free."

  "Shut up, you old bat, at least I didn't kill a dead coyote today!"

  Mary sniffed. "I saved a life I'll have you know."

  Joy piped up. "After you almost killed him."

  "Oh, pooh," Mary exclaimed as she hitched her skirt up her scrawny legs. "Come on girls, we're missing the show. They all tottered over and elbowed their way to the front of the crowd.

  The crowd roared as Evo walked with deliberate steps toward the swi
mming pool.

  "Dump-her-in! Dump-her-in! The chant grew louder as he got closer to the pool's edge.

  Sam saw what was coming and began to fight in earnest. "Evo, so help me, put me down. This is not funny anymore. Evo, I mean it, it's cold in there. Stop this macho nonsense right now!"

  Evo stopped at the pool's edge. "What's the matter, Sam? Can't take the heat? I'm having fun. You dared me, remember?"

  "That's not what you were talking about earlier and you know it."

  "Can I help it if your mind is in the gutter? You must really be hot for me. You need some cooling off, I think." He turned so his back faced the water and leaned back a little.

  She shrieked and he hesitated. "Please, Evo, that water is cold. This isn't funny." When he chuckled the crowd started up again. "Drop-that-girl! Drop-that-girl!"

  He sighed mightily. "Everyone seems to think I need to lighten up and have fun. Well," he smacked her butt and she squeaked. "I'm having fun. The crowd is having fun. You really need to lighten up, Sam."

  We continued to chant and Evo said to Sam, "What the crowd wants, the crowd gets." He leaned back to drop her in and Sam screeched. She grabbed him around the waist. With a snap of her back, she threw him off balance. Evo teetered on the edge of the pool and they both toppled into the water. The crowd fell silent for a second, then roared.

  "Boy-oh-boy! That's the best splash I've seen in years," yelled Mom from the sideline. Evo and Sam came to the surface sputtering. Evo yelled at her, "Why the hell did you do that?"

  "Because you were dumping me in the pool, you Neanderthal!"

  "I wasn't really dumping you in; I only threatened to dump you in!"

  "You were dumping me." She looked into the crowd and yelled, "He was dumping me, wasn't he?" We all laughed and nodded.

  Evo ducked his head and smiled sheepishly. "Sam, I think we have created enough of a spectacle. Let me help you out." He reached out to her and she batted his hands away.

  As if on cue, the crowd moaned, "Aww."

  Sam looked indignant. She flipped the hair out of her eyes. "You're the one who helped me in, thank you very much. I'll help myself out." With as much dignity as she could muster, she slogged through the water, away from him.

  Evo followed in her wake. "Aw, Sam, come on. Have a sense of humor. Besides, you're on vacation." The crowd clapped and hooted. "I have to admit though; you're a real crowd pleaser."

  She whipped around, her hair slapping him in the face. "I'll give you crowd pleaser, Evo Reymundo Moronez-Castillo!" She lunged high against his chest, grabbing his head and twisting her body backward, dragging Evo under the surface with her. They surfaced together with his chin resting on her cleavage and both hands on her butt. We all sucked in a breath. He slowly looked up. She stared down into his eyes. He looked at her mouth and she nervously licked her lips. We all licked our lips as time stood still and he moved a fraction of an inch closer. I had a death grip on J.J.'s arm and he covered my hand with his. We strained forward and–

  The flash of a camera startled them and us, and they both looked to the side of the pool. A woman in a skirt and pumps held a camera in her hands. Startled and now pissed, I glared as Rosie the News Whore clicked her way across the tile.

  "Great, look." The camera flashed again, "Miller parties are never dull, that's for sure." She leaned over the edge of the pool and held out a business card. Evo took one hand off Sam's butt long enough to take it. "Rose Hartwell White Bass Lake Review," she said. "I report the local news." She put her nose in the air. "I must say, you South Americans do interesting in depth research, don't you?" She chuckled and turned. Her heels beat a snappy tattoo as she quickly made her exit, her rear twitching in her too tight skirt.

  Evo shook his head and muttered, "Rose Who-well?"

  "That's Rosie the News Whore down at the paper," Mag supplied. "She also does a spot on local television every once in a while." Sam looked up at us. "She's not very nice, is she?"

  "As a matter of fact, I don't know of a single person who can stand the sight of her. You know, once she–"We heard a wild scream and all heads turned in time to see Rosie fly through the air and make an Orca-worthy splash at the other end of the pool. A camera flashed again, this time with Mom behind the lens.

  Rosie floundered a bit before she made it to the side of the pool. "Gerry Miller, you pushed me!"

  Mom turned around, nose in the air in her best Rosie impersonation. "Now you can say you do in depth reporting." She cocked her head. "About five feet deep, I'd say." She raised the camera one more time and caught Rosie with her mouth wide open, makeup running down her face and screaming like a banshee.

  Everyone roared and Mom found herself in the midst of a lot of hooting and backslapping. Evo bent low and swung Sam against his chest. He carried her to the shallow end of the pool. "Does this mean we're engaged, Sam?"

  She slapped his shoulder. "No, but it does mean we can watch our humiliation on the Six-o'clock News. Come on, the fun's over. Let me down, big boy."

  "You forget, it wasn't only us who took a dip in the pool. She was still wearing her camera."

  "Oh." Sam was still absorbing the news when Evo let her slide slowly down his body. He set her on her feet and her hands slid down his chest. They crawled out of the pool dripping and stood shivering in the cool afternoon air.

  Fred ran up, stuffed bath sheets in their hands, and looked at Evo. She scrambled for something to say. "Uh, well, uh, at least, er, the dip got the Jell-O off those pants."

  Every single person stared at Evo's crotch. Too late, he realized he wasn't wearing underwear because his were still in their packages somewhere in the truck. With his jeans plastered to his body, evidence of how much he enjoyed Sam's body smashed against his, was clearly defined in front of God and everyone. Evo's humiliation was complete. I smiled when he had the good grace to go with it.

  He gave the crowd a wolfish grin, flipped his towel around Sam's neck, and yanked her forward. Her mind had just enough time to register the bulge in his jeans before his mouth closed over hers. He slid an arm around her shoulders and the crowd went wild when he dipped her low enough for her hair to touch the ground. He rested his forehead against her and said, "Now that was macho caveman stuff." Before she could protest he kissed her again, this time slowly rising. "That is what you do to me, Samón."

  He steadied her and stepped back. To Sam's obvious disgust, she must have realized that somewhere along the way her arms had become entwined around Evo's neck. Looking dazed and confused, she stood there while he picked up her towel and wrapped it around her neck. He tapped the end of her nose with his index finger and said, "We'll continue this conversation later, baby," before he sauntered away.

  The whole scene would have played out beautifully for him except his smart-assed exit line snapped her out of her stupor. Sam sprung into action. Her eyes narrowed and a sharp Crack resounded as Sam's towel met with Evo's butt. His eyes popped open and he stood frozen as she flipped her towel over her shoulder. She shook out her hair as she sashayed past him. "That is what you do to me, caveman baby."

  The crowd roared.

  * * *

  Tony leaned back in his chair by the house and flipped the toothpick in his mouth from one side to the other. He gave himself a mental pat on the back and smiled to himself. "I'd say Round Two goes to Sam."

  "Did you say something, Tony?" Al asked as she touched up her lip gloss in the mirror.

  "No, nothing important." He smiled wide as he tipped his soda up and drained it.

  Sam slammed through the back door and Evo headed to his truck. Damn no clothes. He headed back to the rear of the house. Sam stood inside the door bent over, toweling her hair. Evo barely had time to enjoy the scenery before Fred came running with clothes in her hand. Sam thanked her, ignored Evo and stepped into the bathroom.

  Evo stood dripping on the tile and asked, "Has anyone seen my clothes?"

  He heard laughter from the bathroom. "Should have thought of that earlier."


  Fred shoved another towel into his hands and said, "I had Luis and Alfredo help Sam move everything into one of the guests rooms. I'll grab you some sweats or something and I'll be right back." With that, she took off.

  Evo stripped off his shirt. It made a sopping splat as it hit the laundry tub. During the process of drying his back, he heard the bathroom door open. He turned to see Sam standing with round eyes and her mouth open. She recovered quickly and cleared her throat.

  She took in his long, athletic body, a set of abs to die for and smiled. "No wonder you could sling me around like I weigh nothing." She ran a finger down the middle of his chest and patted his washboard stomach. "Not bad, Castillo, not bad at all."

  She dropped her clothes on top of his shirt and went in search of a hairbrush.

  Evo looked at the miniscule scrap of lace on top of her clothes. Imagining it wrapped around Sam's backside proved too much for his over-active libido and a surge of heat radiated through his body. Looking up, he realized she'd caught him staring and heat colored his face. One look at her tight little T-shirt that said, "Wisconsin, Come Smell Our Dairy Air," and he bolted for the bathroom.

  Sam turned to leave the room, but her voice stopped him cold. "You know, mine still aren't as nice as yours."

  Truly perplexed, Evo said, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

  "Oh come on, Castillo. There're no secrets here, I saw–"

  "Saw wha–?"

  Evo jumped backward just as Fred careened around the corner with a set of black sweats in her hand. She hit the water that Evo dripped on the floor and skid the last couple of feet. Evo grabbed her arms and steadied her, and she triumphantly handed over the sweats. "Whew," she claimed happily. "That was close."

  "I'll say. What would you like me to do with the towels?"

  "Oh, just drop them on the floor to soak up the water for now. Someone might come in the door and slip, you know."

  Evo chuckled and let her go. "Uh, yes, I can see the possibilities."