Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery)

by Gale Borger

  At this time of year, most people are worried about Christmas shopping. Normal pastimes revolved around watching football, drinking beer, and complaining about the weather. The people of White Bass Lake could talk about nothing but the upcoming trial of Mark and Tom. Mark's new family even showed up to lend moral support–even Mark's first pair of tennis shoes showed up.

  When interviewed by Rosie and her staff, Eli Moore claimed he and the missus were passing by a horseshoe tournament when someone threw a pair of shoes into the road, but they landed in the back of his cart instead. When he asked the folks at the tournament who they belonged to, they just laughed and laughed. By the time he sorted through all the misinformation, the owner of the shoes could not be found. He was here to return them to their rightful owner.

  * * *

  I don't remember much of my hospital stay, but I was told I had it pretty tough going for a couple of days. Now, two weeks later, I sat staring at one of Fred's fish tanks, watching the new Cory cat fish skitter up and down the glass. "So it ended up being the new strain of Cory catfish that were moved, Hank just added the Endlers as a cover crop. Good thinking on Hank's part, because the Endlers reproduce at such a rapid rate, it kept the Corys hidden. Later on he could claim he'd found the Endlers in the lagoon. Double payday."

  Sam jumped in. "And that was a smart move because the real location of the Macroni would be kept secret so Hank would be the only one in the world to have them. Ian traced the Macroni to a remote oxbow lake in a dry tropical forest about a hundred kilometers away. Without Ian, I don't know if we would have figured out the fish angle."

  Fred brought in more snacks. She shook her head. "The whole project went up in smoke when Chavez decided he wanted a cut of the action and blackmailed MacRone into transporting money from the illegal mining operation. Only Chavez didn't count on the heavy rains overflowing his leaching ponds and killing all those villagers, their animals and the fish in the lagoon."

  Sam added, "Chavez also did not count on anyone discovering the mining operation. When Evo and Luis stumbled across that lagoon, they opened a huge can of worms."

  Evo shrugged. "Worms? Better to fish with, I suppose."

  Sam elbowed Evo in the side. "Ha-ha, very funny. Hey, I heard Nunez offered you a vice presidency in his conglomerate and an even more insane salary than you already have." Sam turned to him and grabbed his tie. "I also heard that you had a major malfunction and turned him down. Why on earth would you do that?"

  "Oh, I didn't exactly turn him down; I told him I'd have to think on it, as I would be very busy for the next few months."

  "Busy? What could keep you so busy?"

  "Well, I told him I planned on getting married, and then there would be an extended honeymoon, and then my new wife and I would have to decide in which direction life would take us. Then, depending on what we decided, I'd let him know."

  Sam blanched. "You're getting married?"

  "Why yes, we are."

  She gulped. "We?"

  "Us? The Gallegos brothers hugged each other. Alfredo said, "I always wanted to see Niagara Falls."

  Tony laughed. "I'll take you to the Wisconsin Dells. I hear it's pretty cool."

  "Do they have ice cream?"

  Tony placed an arm across the shoulders of the brothers and quietly led them from the room. "A lot of ice cream, as a matter of fact. Some come in 31 flavors, some come in dots, and some freeze dried. I have some upstairs, why don't we check it out?"

  * * *

  The courtroom was standing room only as the sentencing hearing began.

  Tom and Mark stood in front of Judge Avery. He furrowed his bushy white eyebrows and cleared his throat. He looked sternly at Tom and Mark before he.

  "Ladies and gentlemen, at the request of the defense, the defendants chose not to go with a jury trial, which is their right under the Sixth Amendment. The defendants opted instead to enter into a plea bargain, to which the District Attorney and the Defense Counsel has agreed upon, am I correct Counsel?"

  The D.A., Andy Doolittle nodded. "Yes, your honor."

  Judge Avery scowled at Tess Bannigan, seated at the defense table. She nodded and said, "Yes, your honor."

  Avery leveled a look at Mark and Tom. "And you gentlemen? Do you understand your rights, your crimes, and the consequences thereof?"

  They answered in unison, "Yes, your honor."

  We held our breaths. Judge Avery sat back. He blew out a long sigh and steepled his fingers. "Well then, by the power vested in me by the State of Wisconsin, I do hereby hand down my findings. On count one, reckless endangerment by use of a motor vehicle; the defendants plead guilty. The recommendations by the State are for one year in prison and three years stayed upon successful completion of three years of parole. Upon violation, parole will be revoked, and the three years in prison will be re-instated." He looked at Tess, Tom, and Mark. "Is this the agreement as you understand it?" They nodded, and Tess said, "Yes, your honor."

  Judge Avery took off his half-glasses and leaned on both elbows. "Now, I find myself with a little problem with this agreement." He waved a piece of paper in the air. "Would counsel approach the bench please?"

  Tess looked stricken. She glanced at us before she squeezed Tom and Mark's hands and approached the bench.

  "Ahem, that means you too, Andy." The prosecutor started, tucked his tie in his jacket, and followed Tess to the bench.

  "Oh no, I can't stand this," I whispered as I gripped J.J.'s arm. He patted my hand and held on to it. "It ain't over 'til it's over, Buzz. We did all we could for them."

  Judge Avery seemed to talk for a half hour before he sat back and shooed Tess and Andy back to their tables. Andy stayed a few more seconds, and Judge Avery murmured to him in low tones.

  Tess turned back to the table with a stunned expression on her face, not looking anyone in the eye. She walked stiff-legged back to the Defense table and sat between Mark and Tom. The three heads bent together and I could hear Tess's voice murmuring to Mark and Tom. They suddenly sprang back from Tess and sat ramrod straight in their chairs. They both stared straight ahead–not moving a muscle.

  "Oh crap. J.J., this is not good. He's going to slam them, I just know it."

  "Shhh. Are you getting a feeling about this?" He patted my knee.

  I blinked, surprised. "No. That's gotta be a good sign, right?"

  The crowd murmured and Judge Avery pounded his gavel.

  District Attorney Andy Doolittle spun away from Judge Avery and walked back to his table. He picked up the papers on the table and stacked them in a neat pile front of him. He folded his hands on top and stared forward. I felt like throwing up.

  The courtroom was silent as Judge Avery's voice rang out from the bench. "I have an unusual case before me today. The defendants have admittedly committed crimes against the State. They have entered into a plea agreement, of which I no longer agree. I have received in writing from the Governor of the State of Illinois a dismissal of all charges of murder one."

  The room sucked in a collective breath. Judge Avery continued as he read. "In lieu of the acts of heroism and the extenuating circumstances surrounding the accidental death of serial killer Buddy Ray Levi, The State of Illinois and the Federal Government no longer see fit to proceed with charges against the defendants."

  There was another collective gasp and all fell silent again.

  Judge Avery looked up and took off his glasses. "It is hereby ordered by this court and agreed upon by both the state and the defense that the aforementioned agreement between the prosecution and the defense be quashed and sentencing ordered herein. Will the defendants please rise?"

  The three of them slowly stood as one.

  "By the power vested in me by the State of Wisconsin, I hereby order that a three year prison sentence be withheld, and that three years of probation be instated. It is further ordered that the defendants are each assigned 300 hours of community service, 100 hours per year per defendant. Counseling and schooling shall be com
pleted as recommended by Probation and Parole, and upon successful completion of all programs and probation, the felonies shall then be expunged and the defendants shall be eligible to apply for citizenship to the United States of America if they so choose."

  Two silent heartbeats were followed by pandemonium in the courtroom.

  Tess became a South American sandwich as Mark and Tom hugged her from both sides. I jumped on J.J. and Fred jumped on me. Luis and Alfredo jumped over the divider and jumped on Mark and Tom. Judge Avery sat back with a self-satisfied smiled and even Andy Doolittle nodded his head and shook Tess's hand.

  The bailiff didn't even try to maintain order as he walked Judge Avery out of the courtroom.

  I watched Rosie the News Whore jump over chairs and elbow bodies aside in order to be the first to interview Tom and Mark. I couldn't hear much over the roar of the crowd, but I did hear Mark say, "…No, Ma'am. This is the Christmas present of a lifetime. For the first time in our lives, we are free men." And I heard Tom say, "…A Green Bay Packer jersey and lots of ice cream. That's what I want for Christmas!"

  We walked out of the courthouse and started down the steps. I heard a high-pitched "Oops!" and braced myself. Fred flew by J.J. and me on her butt, sliding down the slippery courthouse steps. Armand followed in her wake, trying to grab her collar to slow her down. "It'll be good to get back to normal," I said as I took J.J.'s arm.

  We passed Fred as she came to a bumpy halt at the bottom of the stairs. Armand had her by the arm and Fred rubbed her butt. J.J. raised a brow. "Uh, yeah. Normal. I don't think that word is in the Miller Sister dictionary."

  I elbowed him in the ribs. "Watch it, buster. Our parameters of 'normal' might be slightly wider than some people, but we mean well."

  J.J. laughed, threw an arm around my neck, and ruffled my hair. "That you do, Buzz, that you do."

  "Hey, pal, watch out for the bullet hole."

  "Oops." he kissed my temple. "Sorry."

  I caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye and dragged J.J. to a halt. "Oh no, it can't be!"

  Half the town slid to a stop at my outburst, and all heads turned north just as a motley looking cat streaked across the parking lot, followed by a bellowing Rick Glass. "Come back here you little turd."

  I registered a voice yelling, "Oh my God, it's Crapper the Cat come back from the dead."

  Many other voices joined in. "It can't be!"

  "That damn cat is supposed to be dead!"

  "How many lives does that cat have?"

  "Someone shoot it before it craps again!"

  "I just bought new patio furniture for my wife for Christmas!"

  "Hah! It ain't gonna be new for long."

  Just then I saw our ME slink around the corner of the courthouse. "Malcolm, did you save that damn cat?"

  He stopped and nervously crushed his hat in his hands. "Well, I noticed it wasn't quite dead when I got him back to the office, so I nursed him back to health. I couldn't help it, Buzz, honest! My sister told me she'd keep him out of sight, but he must have escaped."

  The cat zipped around a car and made a flying leap into the air. He landed claws out on Mark's chest. "Ow. Oh! It's Kitty! Look, Tom, he's not dead. We are not murderers after all. Hooray for Kitty!"

  He danced around the parking lot with that stupid cat under his jacket.

  Malcolm called out, "Do you want to keep the cat? He needs a home."

  Tom and Mark both looked hopeful. Mark kept a protective hand over his jacket. "You are not joking? We may keep this wonderful animal?"

  Some smart ass in the crowd yelled, "Yeah, keep the damn thing and take it back to South America! Let it take a dump on someone else's patio furniture!"

  I heard Ian say, "Mag, that's enough," and I smiled.

  Mark and Tom waved excitedly to the crowd. Tom yelled, "Thank you, my friends. Thank you for your support and for this wonderful cat." They turned and hustled down the street.

  I sighed as we walked toward my SUV. I saw my mom talking to Jan and Joy. My dad wore the long-suffering expression men get when waiting for their wives to quit gabbing. The majority of the crowd headed toward Sal's for coffee. Mary danced a shimmy for Ian, still delusional, but hopeful. Fred tripped through the parking lot, and walking at a good clip next to her was my youngest sister, Al, who wore stilettos in winter and looked sleek as a cat.

  Mag opened the door to my SUV and Wes came barreling out, excited that so many people came just to see him. Grin, wag, grin. I looked for Hill and saw her peeking out the door. Smart dog, saves her energy.

  "Yep, everything looks normal."

  "Normal to you, maybe." J.J. squeezed my shoulders as we neared the SUV. He steered me toward the passenger's side. "Hop in, old girl."

  I shot him an evil look and climbed in. "Hey, buddy, I resemble that remark."

  We laughed as we headed out of the parking lot. J.J. slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting Mark as he ran in front of us. J.J. yelled, "What the–"

  Crapper the cat was about a half a block in front of Mark as he streaked through downtown. I looked at J.J. "Yep. Normal."

  He just smiled, shook his head and we headed for home.

  33

  "You may kiss the bride."

  Mary Cromwell blew her nose loudly. "Whaaa. I love weddings."

  The bride and groom turned around at the distraction–the fifth so far–and the priest cleared his throat. "Ahem, may we continue, please?"

  Evo chuckled, shook his head, and turned back to Father Matthew. "Please, Father; do continue." He smiled down into Sam's eyes and said gently, "Where were we again?"

  Standing under the flowering arbor in Fred's backyard, Evo and Sam exchanged vows in a lovely ceremony on an even lovelier spring day. I helped Fred plant the bulbs which now lined both sides of the seating area. I swear I must be the worst gardener in the entire world. No wonder they say I have a black thumb.

  Fred's side bloomed with a profusion of color and scents. My side had five tulips and one hyacinth with five flowers on the stalk. My crocus did just that. I figured I had better start listening and learning from all the people trying to help me overcome my black thumb syndrome. This was becoming embarrassing.

  J.J. and I sat near the back, as he was also supervising the roasting of the pig. I somehow got hooked into organizing the food tables and it looked like we were going to set a new record for the diverse selection of Jell-O salads consumed in one afternoon. Sal made the cake; a stunning three-tiered affair complete with a blue waterfall in the center and cavorting dolphins diving in and out of swirling waves around each layer.

  Someone (my money was on Tony) had removed the bride and groom from the top tier and replaced them with two plastic cartoon Nemo clown fish; one with a veil and one in a white tuxedo. It was a definite winner.

  I tore myself away from my musings just in time to hear Sam say, "I think we're at the kissing part."

  A loud voice from the back yelled, "Just kiss her, Evo, but hurry up about it 'cuz I want a beer!"

  The crowd laughed good naturedly as Evo slowly lifted the veil and folded it behind Sam's head. She lifted her startling blue eyes to his and he looked as though his heart would burst. Wrapping his arms around Sam's shoulders, his head slowly descended. Her lips parted. What must have been only a few seconds seemed like a lifetime.

  I hadn't realized I had a death grip on J.J.'s arm until he pried my fingers off and said, "Whoa there, Buzz, you're cutting off the circulation to my gun hand."

  With the thrill of the moment passing, my heart rate returned to almost normal.

  J.J. flexed his hand and looked around. "Hey, do you think we might get through this without another mishap?"

  "Don't say that. Remember Murphy's Law; whatever can happen, will. We aren't out of the woods yet. Keep an eye out–uh, I hate to tell you, but I have one of those feelings coming on."

  J.J. went on immediate alert. "Oh, no, I'm definitely afraid." He scanned the crowd again, focusing on Mary Cromwel
l. "I put my money on Mary."

  Meanwhile, Evo lifted his head from the scorching kiss, tears stinging his eyes. "I love you, Mrs. Castillo." Sam smiled back. "Same here, Mr. Castillo." She dabbed at his eyes with the lace hankie she'd borrowed from Fred.

  The smiling newlyweds turned to the crowd and Father Matthew introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Evo Castillo. Fred stepped forward to give Sam her flowers and tripped over her train. Tony leapt forward and caught Fred on the way down. He held on to her and whispered something in her ear. They both laughed and Evo looked into Tony's smiling face. "What are you grinning like an idiot about, little brother?"

  "Oh, I was just thinking. Since the 'Bitchthyologist' married 'The Evil One', will you name your firstborn Evil Fernameanie?"

  Sam winked at her new brother in-law. "Of course; unless it's a girl, that is. Then we'll call her Toni."

  Tony jumped forward and threw his arms around both of them. "Aww, I love you guys."

  The crowd went wild. Evo and Sam fought their way down the makeshift aisle through back slappers, kids, hand shakers, dogs, and other well wishers.

  Then it happened. Mary flew out of her chair and attached herself to Evo's side blubbering about beautiful brides and lovely weddings. The huge pink purse hanging off her arm swung around his back and knocked Sam into the crowd. Evo stumbled and almost took Tony down trying to shake off Mary and grabbed for Sam. He tried his best to extricate himself, but Mary stuck like glue and wouldn't let go. Her purse swung wildly and Tony had to duck to avoid being clocked. Understandable since the Gander Mountain incident, he'd been a little purse-shy.

  Dragging the leg to which Mary was still attached, Evo slowly inched down the aisle. The blue sequined stripper dress Mary wore for the wedding rode up her scrawny fishnet covered legs. The higher it inched, the more nervous I became. The thought of Mary's bum exposed to the entire town was enough to make the strongest man queasy, but when I heard my dad and Dead Butz yell, "Oh, My God, Mary, nooo! I feared the worst. I took a fortifying breath before I had the courage to peek around J.J. to see what the commotion was about.