He gave me a sympathetic look. “You really didn’t miss anything today anyway.”
I’m not sure what bugged me more, his sympathy or his attempt to be casual.
“Jackson seems to like you,” he added, ignoring my pouting.
“Why do people keep saying that? He doesn’t even know me!”
Ethan rolled his eyes but smiled. “He asked me all kinds of questions about you.”
What is it with this guy and his determination to get to know me?
“Does it really matter? I’m not interested. Besides, I’m sure after tomorrow he will have his choice of any girl in school.” The truth of that statement bothered me more than I dared to admit.
“Yeah. I can see that. But he really seems interested in you.”
“I wouldn’t know.” I giggled and shrugged helplessly. “I keep passing out every time he’s around.”
A fact I had not completely realized before it hit me right in the pit of my stomach. It was true. The only time I felt lightheaded or nauseous or got cold sweats was when Jackson was near me, and the only time I had fainted was when he touched me. That little piece of information had completely escaped my consciousness before but was alarmingly true.
Ethan reached over and touched my shoulder, which was really rare for him. “Hey. You okay? You’re really pale. Should I call Mom?”
“No. Don’t. I’m fine,” I lied. “I think I need to get some sleep.” I leaned back against my pillows. “I’ll see you in the morning, E.”
“Holler if you need anything,” he offered with a sincere grin.
“I will. Good night.”
“Night.” He flipped off my light as he closed my door.
I tossed and turned for the next several hours, unable to find a comfortable position. My mind raced beyond my control. How can this be possible? Is it Jackson who is making me sick? The mere thought of it sounded ridiculous even to me. One person simply being near another could not make them physically ill in that way. And of course, no one else had any reaction to his presence. It was clearly a coincidence, nothing more.
Still, my mind wouldn’t calm itself. There was something missing. And even though I couldn’t explain it just yet, I was determined to figure it out.
CHAPTER 4
Tuesday, October 15, 1878
CLASSES WERE, FOR ONCE, UNINTERESTING. I struggled to grasp the world slipping away around me. Concentrating on anything my teachers were saying was impossible.
Olivia was sitting two seats down from me and instead of looking happy about the upcoming double nuptials, her face looked pale and depressed. We had not spoken much all morning because I could not think of anything to say to her. I knew she had to be aware of my displeasure with the change in plans. She had been beside me since early May when Mother, Jackson’s mother, Emily, and I had begun making all the wedding arrangements. It had taken months for me to have my dress made and take care of all the details. Olivia was supposed to be my maid of honor and William was to be Jackson’s best man. How was this going to work now?
As we began our walk home after classes, the wind picked up considerably. The sky threatened to open up and pour down upon us. I walked quickly beside Olivia, whose step was rapidly increasing the closer we got to home.
“Olivia.” I struggled to keep up her pace. “Will you please slow down?”
“It looks like it might rain any moment,” she hastily answered without bothering to look at me.
“I know, but could you please slow down? I cannot talk to you at this pace.” I finally stopped, making her pause beside me.
“Jocelyn, I do not want to get wet.” She flashed me a hostile expression, catching me off guard.
“Neither do I,” I retorted, “but you have been avoiding me all day. What is wrong?” I was torn between anger and concern. Something was obviously bothering her a great deal.
“Nothing,” she fired back and started walking again.
I picked up my pace to match hers. “I am not an idiot, Olivia. I can tell when something is upsetting you.”
“You could not possibly understand, Jocelyn. So please do not ask me questions that I cannot answer.” She looked like she might burst into tears at any second.
“There is nothing you cannot discuss with me. I promise to be understanding,” I assured her.
She stopped and turned, giving me an angry look. “I am sure you will. Just like you were so understanding about my involvement with your brother and how you have given me fake smiles since Jackson talked you into the double wedding. Do you really think I do not know how upset you truly are about sharing your wedding day with me? I can see it in your eyes every time I look at you. You hate the thought of sharing your wedding day, and you have every right to be upset. I, of all people, know how long you have been waiting for this and here I am, ruining it for you.”
“All right. Yes, I am upset with you, but you would feel the same if our roles were reversed.”
“Our roles would never be reversed,” she shot back.
I felt the tears stinging up in my eyes from both anger and confusion. “Olivia, I am trying. Truly, I am. I want to be happy for you and William. Honestly, I do. I only feel like everyone has had time to adjust to all of this, and I just found out. I need a little time. Please try to understand how I feel.”
Olivia stared down at the walkway. “I do understand, Jocelyn. Better than you realize.” Her voice was dry and hollow.
“Then why are you angry with me?” I did not understand. I was the one who should be angry, not her.
“I am not angry with you. I am angry with myself for doing this to you.”
“I do not understand what you mean.”
“It makes no difference. Let’s get moving now before we get rained on.” Olivia started walking again.
She remained silent the rest of the way. She waved a quick good-bye without a word and headed up the pathway toward her house.
I was surprised to find Jackson waiting for me in the kitchen, talking with Sarah and Mimi.
“Hello, my love.” He walked over, taking my hand and kissing it softly. “You look lovely today.”
“Thank you. What are you doing home this evening?”
“I was just telling Sarah that I could smell her good cooking all the way at my dorm and had to come.” He smiled over at Sarah and she laughed, tossing a dishtowel at him.
“You get out of my kitchen now, Mr. Chandler. I will find you when supper’s ready.”
He placed the rag down on the table, laughing at her. The two of them constantly tormented each other in good spirits.
“You had better.” Jackson took my hand. “Would you like to have a seat by the fire?”
“Of course.”
Jackson rarely came home through the week. Something else was definitely up, and I just wanted someone to be honest with me for a change.
We walked over to the front room and sat down next to the roaring fire in the hearth. It felt wonderful to feel the heat on my face after shivering all the way home. Jackson walked over and turned on the phonograph; beautiful, soft music flooded the room. He came over and sat down beside me.
I curled up in his arms. “I am surprised you came home this evening. I thought you were studying for your midterms.”
“I am, but William wanted to come home to speak with Miss Olivia. She is really upset, and he wanted to check on her.” Jackson stared over at the fire as if lost in his own thoughts.
“Well, I wish him luck with that. I tried to speak with her on the way home, and she would hardly talk with me. I have no idea what is wrong with her.” I wanted to put her and William out of my head.
“She will be fine,” Jackson assured me.
“What is going on?” Curiosity was getting the best of me.
“That is between the two of them. I am sure everything is all right.”
“She said she was angry with herself, not me, and that our roles could never be reversed. Whatever is that supposed to mean?” I h
ad absolutely no clue what was going on with Olivia. Nothing about her behavior was making any sense to me anymore.
“That is a strange thing to say,” Jackson continued, staring at the fire.
“She is acting very out of character,” I commented, watching his face intently.
“Perhaps she is a nervous bride. After all, you have had some time to digest the concept of it all. Miss Olivia really has not. This is all very fast for her,” he speculated.
“I remember being terrified last spring at the thought of being a wife and running my own household. But now I cannot imagine anything I want more.” I placed my hand over his. I smiled up into his eyes, recalling how apprehensive I was last spring.
“I am happy to hear that. You sure you are still not scared?” He narrowed his eyes at me with a mischievous grin.
“Looking forward to it,” I assured him. “I wish the wedding were tomorrow.”
“I do too. It will be wonderful to come home every evening to your beautiful face and to someday have a family of our own.” He gave me a gentle squeeze.
Jackson placed his arm around my shoulder, and I leaned my head against his chest. I could hear the sound of his heart beating through his shirt and vest, steady and strong. The smell of his skin was intoxicating. I closed my eyes, imagining how wonderful it was going to be to get to share every evening with him for the rest of my life.
***
The music drifted me off to another place where all of my worries were gone and there was nothing but our perfect wedding day, our anticipated wedding night, and a lifetime of happiness ahead. It all felt so close. I could almost reach out and touch it.
We heard the front door open and shut loudly, bringing heavy footsteps into the foyer outside the room. Jackson and I both turned toward the noise to discover William standing in the doorway.
“Sorry.” He looked embarrassed. “I did not mean to interrupt.”
“Please, come in,” Jackson offered.
William and I hadn’t spoken since his departure Sunday evening, and I could feel the tension between us rising as he took a seat across from us by the hearth. He truly looked tired and worn out, more so than I had ever seen in my entire life. My love for my favorite brother overcame my anger, and I felt myself softening toward him.
“Is everything all right, William? You look tired.”
“Just classes. Midterms,” he muttered back, leaning forward and resting his head on his hands with his elbows on his knees.
“You look like you need to sleep.” He had prominent, dark circles under his eyes.
“I do. However, I cannot seem to shut my mind down long enough for a good night’s rest.” He shook his head wearily. “Please, excuse me. I need to go cleanup for supper.” William got up and hurried out of the room as quickly as he had entered. He and Olivia were behaving so strangely.
Supper was delicious and full of chatter. Jackson’s parents, Robert and Emily, had joined us per Mother’s request, so that wedding arrangements could be settled. As our mothers began discussing a new formation, it seemed strangely both sad and odd, especially since I felt that Olivia and her mother, Harriet should be present for this conversation. However, neither Mother nor Emily ever acted as though it mattered that they were not present.
My heart and mind were, for once, not on my wedding. Instead, I was intently watching William’s behavior. He would occasionally comment on the conversation among the men over politics and President Hayes, but it was obvious that he was not really paying much attention. I could not help but wonder what was going on in his mind.
The gentlemen were having a heated discussion over the immigrant problem developing in the inner city of Chicago. Apparently, the current housing structures were not suitable for so many individuals and the mix of poverty and poor relationships between the various cultures were causing problems for a great many people. I found their conversation intense and more intriguing than Mother and Emily’s. I had almost overnight lost interest in my wedding details simply because I truly believed my opinion no longer mattered on the subject.
Everyone retired around the hearth after dinner to have coffee. I excused myself for some fresh air, picked up my shawl in the foyer, and stepped out onto the front porch. The rain had finally started and was dancing softly off the singles. The evening air was cold, giving the wind a solemn feel.
I leaned against the railing, watching the raindrops splash upon the cobblestones, when a voice came up behind me, startling me out of my solace.
“Mind if I join you?” Emily Chandler came up beside me.
“No, not at all. Please do.”
“Are you getting excited about the wedding yet? I nodded silently. “I am sorry so many things have to be switched around, but I am sure your mother and I can get things settled to your satisfaction.” She gave me a warm, motherly smile.
“Honestly, it does not matter so much anymore.” I hated that I sounded so shallow about it, but it was truly how I felt now. I looked down at my hands, trying to hide my true disappointment.
“Why is that? You have been so excited about this since your engagement was announced.”
“I feel as if now it cannot possibly be the wedding that I have always dreamed of; therefore, the details do not matter so much anymore.” I did not want to come across ungrateful, and I knew Emily would understand my disappointment.
“Jocelyn, your wedding will be beautiful and everything you have always wanted, I promise.” I wanted so badly to believe her, yet I knew that it simply was not a possibility.
“But how? My maid of honor is now also a bride in the ceremony.” I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Honestly, I am trying not to be selfish. I dearly love Olivia and my brother, but I do not understand why they find it necessary to intrude on my wedding. Especially when both of them know how much Jackson and I have been waiting for this day.”
“Perhaps they love you both so much that they feel that combining the ceremonies will make the day all the more special for the four of you.”
“I know, I sound terrible.” I looked down at my hands resting on the porch rail, feeling ashamed and wishing I had not been so honest.
“Not at all. You have every right to be selfish about your wedding. I know you have been anticipating it for a long time.”
“Yes, I have.” Too long.
“I also know that in the end it will not matter what kind of ceremony you and Jackson have. You two have a very special kind of bond, a love so deep that nothing could possible taint it.” She reached over and gently touched my arm.
“Thank you, Mrs. Chandler. I appreciate that.”
CHAPTER 5
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
JACKSON WAS AN INSTANT SUCCESS at school. The girls stared at him as he walked down the halls with Kyle or Ethan and his friendly personality drew everyone to him, especially Taylor, which truly burned me although it had no reason too. Jackson was free to date anyone he wanted. I certainly had no say in the matter. But there was something about him that made me feel like he’d been a part of my life from the beginning. I couldn’t explain it. But I knew I had to stay away from him. He was like a poison to me and would surely cause me nothing but heartache and trouble. I had an important volleyball match on Thursday and I couldn’t afford to miss it, and I was positive that if I fainted one more time there was no possible way my mother would allow me to participate.
Jenna bounced up to my locker right before lunch, more excited than I had seen her in a long time. “Guess what Kyle just told me.”
“I can’t imagine.” I truly was not in the best of moods since it seemed in the last two days Jackson had quickly become friends with everyone in my world, making it near impossible for me to go anywhere without him being there already; and since I was purposely avoiding him, it was rapidly making me the outsider.
“Jackson told him this morning that he is going to ask you to the homecoming dance this Friday.” She bounced up and down as I rolled my eyes, lookin
g inside my locker to avoid her excitement. “Isn’t that great?”
“Yeah. Wonderful,” I muttered under my breath. Why can’t he focus on someone else and realize that I don’t want anything to do with him? Is he that blind or just that stupid?
“So now we can all go together.”
I slammed my locker closed and confronted her.
“Look, Jenna. I’m not going to the dance with Jackson or anyone else. I don’t want to go to some silly dance. Seriously, let it go.” She looked shocked and annoyed at my lack of enthusiasm.
“Jocelyn, you really need to lighten up. You’re quickly becoming an old shrew!” Her forehead wrinkled, give me a stern look of disapproval.
“Thanks. I appreciate that.” I walked away, leaving her standing by my looker, looking completely flustered.
“Are you coming to lunch?” she hollered after me down the hall.
“Can’t. Studying.” I didn’t turn around to look at her but raised my calculus book back over my shoulder as I headed off toward the gym.
I took a seat about halfway up the bleachers in the empty gymnasium. I knew students weren’t supposed to be in here during the lunch period, but I couldn’t stand to be around anyone at the moment. I opened my calculus book and laid it out on the bench below me. I situated my notebook and started working on the assignment given to me earlier in first period so I wouldn’t have to take it home. I rested my head in my hand and slightly brushed the fading bruise and knot on the side of my face. It was still so tender from the fall, and I looked like someone had punched me in the face. I had gotten numerous inquisitive looks in the last couple days, but no one had directly approached me about it. I winced in pain and readjusted myself. The last several days hadn’t exactly been the best.
I took a deep breath and tried to focus on my calculus but couldn’t concentrate to save my life. It seemed I was rapidly approaching complete frustration with almost every aspect of my life. I knew Jenna was upset with me and utterly confused by my behavior, and I didn’t know how to explain any of it to her. I willed myself to focus on calculus and got my homework done in record time. Whether it was correct or not was another story. I was fairly good at calculus, but today I just wanted it done.
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