“What are you talking about?”
“William!”
“William has nothing to do with this. I could care less that you are marrying my brother. I was upset because I had no clue about what a backstabbing sneak you are! If you were going to be with my brother, you could have at least told me instead of hitting me with it out of the blue.”
“Oh, and you would have given us your blessing, right?” Tears started rolling down her cheeks despite her anger.
“I would have if it made you both happy, but now I could care less if either of you are happy. Actually, I hope you make each other miserable!” I shouted my anger at her before leaving her standing alone on the walkway.
I hastily walked back into the building, knowing too well that I was very late for my next class. I considered going home myself but I was determined not to let Olivia ruin my entire day.
Elizabeth and Maryanne both gave me inquisitive looks as I joined our history class that was already in progress. Mr. Grahame glared his disapproval at my tardiness while I quickly took my seat in the second row.
“Nice of you to join us this afternoon, Miss Timmons.” He tapped his fingers on his desk as he always did when he was annoyed.
“I apologize, Mr. Grahame. I wanted to make sure Miss Olivia made it home safely, sir. She is not feeling well.” I tried to make my voice as calm as I could, and it was extremely difficult.
“Fine. Now may I return to the Continental Congress?”
“Again, I apologize, sir.” Mr. Grahame glared at me a moment longer before he cleared his throat and continued on with his lecture on John Adams’s contributions to the Continental Congress.
I stared at the clock on the wall, convinced that it was not working properly. Frustration continued to build from deep within me. My argument with Olivia was harsh in the way that only a close friend can truly hurt. I did my best to pay attention to the words spoken by Mr. Grahame, but it was pointless.
***
Maryanne cornered me after the final bell. She and Elizabeth had witnessed the beginning of my argument with Olivia, but had left to get to class on time, therefore missing the entirety of the disagreement.
“Are you all right?” Maryanne rushed to my side for all the juicy details, as I had expected. Her brown eyes were full of anticipation as she flipped her dark curls over her shoulder.
“I am fine. Miss Olivia and I just had a disagreement on a personal matter.” I wanted to sound as casual as possible.
“We heard.” Maryanne paused outside the front door. “Is it true that you are having a double wedding now?”
I nodded, looking down because I did not trust myself not to cry if I looked in her face.
“I cannot believe she would do that to you.” Elizabeth, who always desperately wanted to believe in the good in all people, looked baffled. “Is she really marrying William?”
Again, I only nodded.
“I was unaware he was even courting her.”
“Me too, before last weekend. Apparently, it has been going on for a while now, at least since last summer,” I stated in a flat tone.
“Really?” Maryanne was utterly stunned.
“How could she do that to you? You two have always been so close.” Elizabeth was clearly upset by Olivia’s act of betrayal.
“I know, and I am afraid it came as quite a shock.” I let out a small, hollow laugh that sounded more like a cough. “Not one that I took very well either, to say the least.”
“Well, I would be livid if I were you, Miss Jocelyn. I mean, not only does she sneak around behind your back with your own brother, but now, to top it off, after months and months of painstaking planning and details, she wants you to compromise and share the most important day of your life.” Maryanne was getting redder in the face with each passing moment.
I thought at least for Olivia’s sake it was a good thing she had gone after my brother and not Maryanne’s. I believe Maryanne would have physically hurt her for it.
“Well, I must be getting home. I need to get my hair washed this evening before Jackson comes home tomorrow.” I descended down the front steps.
It was a small lie but a good excuse to get me away from Maryanne before she could inquire as to whether Jackson knew what was going on between Olivia and William. I knew she was aware that the two were roommates at school, and I did not want to admit that Jackson had kept this a secret from me. Maryanne would have surely gone into the entire trust issue and the depth of Jackson’s role in this deception. It was a subject I could not stand to touch on with her.
Elizabeth followed me down the stairs since she lived only a few houses from me and was going in the same direction.
“I am so sorry, Miss Jocelyn.” Elizabeth and I slowed down our pace as we hit the cobblestone pathway.
“I am doing my best to work through it, but to be honest I am really upset about the whole situation.” The entirety of the day’s events finally hit me and I felt overwhelmed with sadness. I no longer had the energy to be angry. It was all simply too much.
“That is understandable. You feel betrayed and hurt by people you love and trusted.” Elizabeth reached over and put her arm around me, squeezing my shoulder as we walked.
“I am glad at least one person understands.” The tears started, and I quickly whipped them away. “I truly am trying, Miss Elizabeth. I am. But I am so hurt and angry that it has clouded everything else. I am so tired of hearing my mother and Jackson talk down to me like I am a child and tell me that they kept this from me because they did not want to hurt me. That is such a lie.” The sobs started coming out from all the frustration and anger I had experienced over the last several days. “Why would I be unhappy about Olivia and my brother? I would have given my blessing. Honest I would have.”
“I know, Miss Jocelyn. I wish I had some words that would comfort you, but I cannot think of any. I do not understand why they did not confide in you right from the beginning.” Elizabeth’s delicate frame shivered in the cold breeze. Her light-brown hair was covered by her maroon bonnet that perfectly matched the beautiful gown she was wearing. She was such a quiet girl and so awkwardly shy that it usually caused her gracefulness and beauty to go unnoticed. However, I knew at one point in time a few years back, William had noticed her and really wanted to court her. Unfortunately, she was much too shy for his rambunctious personality. I wished now that he had pursued Elizabeth instead of Olivia.
“That makes two of us.” I tried to smile but did not quite pull it off.
“Perhaps there is another reason for all this secrecy.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “Who knows anything anymore? Apparently, my opinion and feelings do not count for much these days, if they ever did.” I looked over at her elegant face. “Do you believe I am being selfish about the wedding?”
“No. I would be hurt and very upset if I was in your situation and it was my wedding,” she stated softly.
“You upset? I cannot imagine.” This time, I truly did laugh. The idea of Elizabeth being angry over anything was amusing.
“I would.” She smiled widely. “I would be very angry, actually.” Her face then filled with a full blush from the confession.
“That I would like to see.” I laughed out loud for the first time in what seemed like forever, and it felt wonderful.
“Miss Jocelyn, I was raised that a lady never gets angry,” she explained in her soft voice. “My mother always said it was very bad manners. But in this situation, I do believe it would be warranted. I know how much you have been looking forward to your wedding, and to have someone intrude upon it in such a forceful manner is unthinkable. I cannot believe your mother can be all too happy about it.”
“I think both my parents feel torn between me and what we both want.”
“Yes. I would imagine so,” Elizabeth said thoughtfully.
“However, as far as my father is concerned, I do not believe that he understands my feelings on the situation. I do not believe men fully grasp the
importance of a wedding day and what it means for a lady.” I turned toward Elizabeth as we walked. “I have thought about this day for as long as I can remember. I grew up having a crush on Jackson. I always believed he thought I was too young for him and when he finally noticed me, I mean really noticed me, I had this perfect idea wedding encased within me. And now, when it is so close, poof! It is gone!” The tears returned, and all the anger I felt for Olivia and William returned.
“It will all work itself out. I promise.”
“I hope so, although I do not see how at this point.”
“It will. You must have faith. I know it looks bleak, but look at what you will be getting when all is said and done; a wonderful husband. Mr. Chandler is a truly an exceptional man, and he dearly loves you.” Her words comforted me a great deal.
“I know. You are right. And I truly love him. I cannot wait to his wife.”
Elizabeth and I stopped in front of my house. I could not help but glance over at Olivia’s, not sure exactly what I was expecting to see there. But the house was silent and dark.
“Are you going to be all right this evening?” Elizabeth asked.
“Yes. I will be fine. I am sure my mother and Mrs. Chandler have already worked out all the final details with Olivia and her mother. I will remain silent and go along with whatever they decide.” I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, looking back up at Olivia’s house again. “What other choice do I have?”
“I will be home if you need me. Come down after supper if you would like to,” she offered and hugged me tightly.
“Thank you. Perhaps I will.” I was thrilled to know I still at least had one person whom I could really count on to be honest with me.
Elizabeth continued on down the pathway, while I walked up to the porch. I was half expecting William to come running out of the house to read me the riot act for my confrontation with Olivia earlier, but I knew he would not be home until tomorrow, for which I was truly glad. I did not want to deal with him today also.
CHAPTER 7
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I CAUGHT MYSELF STUDYING JACKSON carefully throughout our morning biology class. I was sitting two rows back across the room from him, studying the way he sat in his chair; straight with perfect posture, not slumped over the way most of the class did. He held his head up with pride without appearing arrogant. The line along his chin was smooth, soft. He also had the sexiest little dimple in the cleft of his chin like John Travolta. I loved watching the way the light from the windows played with his hair, making copper highlights appear in his black waves.
I barely heard Mrs. Neal-Beliveau’s lecture on cell biology. Luckily, I was doing well in the class, but I realized that somewhere between the Golgi apparatus and mitochondria, I was going to have to do some extra reading to compensate for my lack of attention this hour.
During lunch, I sat several seats over and across the table from Jackson. I was watching him laugh and carry on a conversation with Cody and Zak, and although I couldn’t make out exactly what they were discussing, I knew it had something to do with football. However, as soon as I took my seat, I began feeling sick to my stomach and very warm. The lunch on my tray looked more unappealing than usual and I felt a strong urge to move, to lie down on a cold surface. I looked over at Jenna with pleading eyes.
“I have to go to the restroom.”
Her eyes flashed concerned when she saw the look on my face. All the color had completely drained, and I sat there as pale as a ghost.
“I’ll come with you,” she said and helped me out of my chair. She held on to me as we walked between the tables out into the hallway. Caitlyn and Hilary followed right behind us.
Once we left the cafeteria, the cool air flooded over me and the color slowly returned to my face. I leaned up against the wall in an attempt to steady myself but instead slid down the wall, resting my head on my knees and wrapping my arms around my legs.
“Maybe we should try to get you to the nurse’s office.” Jenna’s voice was low with concern.
“No. I’m fine. I just need to rest a moment. It will pass.”
“One of us should go get the nurse.” Hilary looked frightened.
“No. Seriously. I’m fine.” I tried to reassure her. “Just give me a minute.”
The three of them sat down on the floor next to me and began to chat about the dance the next evening. They were overly excited about their new dresses and numerous accessories purchased for the event.
“Has Jackson asked you yet?” Caitlyn inquired a few minutes later.
I looked up at her with my chin still rested on my knees. “No. Why?”
“He told Zak he was going to,” she replied.
“Yeah. Cody told me the same thing,” Hilary added.
“Kyle too,” Jenna chimed in. “You know you’re the only one who hasn’t gotten a dress for tomorrow night. We’ll all have to go shopping before the match this evening and find something.”
“No. Seriously, Jackson hasn’t asked me and even if he did, I’m really not up for it,” I concluded. I wasn’t ready to admit I was attracted to him. I knew they’d blow it way out of proportion.
“Are you sure?” Caitlyn asked, placing her hand on my shoulder carefully.
“Why would you turn down a chance to date Jackson?” Hilary looked confused. “I mean, I know I’m with Cody and I do love him, but man, I’d have a difficult time saying no if he asked me. Actually, I’d have a difficult time remembering Cody’s name if Jackson asked me out.” She laughed, and we all joined her. It was true. He was hard to resist.
“I know, but I haven’t been feeling like myself and I really don’t want to go with Jackson or anyone else.”
Three sets of eyes stared at me, secretly judging.
Thankfully the bell rang and Jenna cautiously held my arm, making sure I wouldn’t fall as I tried to get back up on my feet.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” I waved to the three of them and mixed in with the crowd coming out of the cafeteria on my way to my locker.
***
Mr. Rand was in full swing today as he started his psychology lecture. Although I was feeling better, I still didn’t trust myself to be close to Jackson. It seemed my theory was becoming more of a reality, and it terrified me. But it also made me extremely curious. I wondered what would happen if I walked over to him and placed my hand on him.
Our match that evening was a particularly difficult one. Despite the fact that we came out victorious, it was too close to bring any comfort to the team. I could see my family and Jackson sitting up in the bleachers throughout our game and the junior varsity’s match. Even they came out victorious with a much greater defeat than our own. We should have been elated, but the shadow that had fallen over my existence was somehow having an effect on the spirit of the entire team. Their laughs sounded hollow in my ears and their voices muffled as we made our way back to the bus for the short ride back to school.
CHAPTER 8
Friday, October 18, 1878
THE DAMPNESS OF AUTUMN had settled in overnight, and the rain off the lake had picked up vigorously. A gray haze had settled over Chicago, reflecting my emotional state of mind. William and Jackson were due to be home that evening and for the first time in a very long time I wasn’t terribly excited about their homecoming. Instead, I just wanted to be alone.
I decided after my final class of the day that I had caught a cold and would retire early without visitors. I knew I was not in the right frame of mind to be around anyone involved in this mess. Therefore, I decided to wait until the morning, when clearer heads would hopefully prevail.
I made my excises to Mimi as soon as I arrived home and hid in my room for the duration of the day.
I sat in my bay window, looking out at the graying sky that threatened downpour at any moment. Jackson’s home across the street sat peaceful and inviting. I noticed several oil lamps lit throughout the downstairs, illuminating a soft glow through the curtain-drawn windows. I
saw shadowed movements stirring about, and I wondered if something was amiss or if it was just the normal activity of the household.
I watched Jackson cross over the lawns shortly after supper to see me. I listened to his knock on the front door and heard distant voices from downstairs as he spoke with William. I could even hear from a distance the anger in William’s voice. Clearly he had already had a conversation with Olivia and she had given him her side of our argument. I was half-tempted to confront him and inform him of my version, but I also knew in my heart that it was pointless, so I remained where I was.
I suppose that the two men had gone somewhere else in the house since I could no longer hear them, and it was hours later before Jackson finally left. As he walked down the walkway in front of our house, he paused for a moment and glanced up toward my bedroom window. I knew he could see my figure behind the lace curtains, but I did not bother to pull them back. I was afraid that if I made eye contact with him I would rush to him. After a few minutes of waiting to see what I would do and receiving no response, he turned and walked away, looking disappointed.
CHAPTER 9
Friday, October 16, 2009
MR. RAND ANNOUNCED at the start of class that we were going to begin our discussion on schizophrenia and the current research involving twins and possible genetic components.
“Yeah rah,” I muttered to myself and turned toward the window.
Doesn’t he realize that no one in our class is paying any attention to him? It seemed the whole school was buzzing about the homecoming game that evening and the dance following. Nothing else seemed to matter to the entire school, yet neither of them held any appeal to me.
I had successfully avoided Jackson all week. I was set on not giving him the opportunity to ask me to be his date for the dance, and it made me all the more determined to avoid being anywhere near him. He had tried to approach me on several occasions, but I continued to give him some excuse or another and always from a distance before quickly disappearing. With his absence, the symptoms had also disappeared.
Essence Page 7
