I rushed home after the last bell with Jenna and Kyle to get ready for the game. Coach Smith had thankfully canceled practice because of homecoming and after a week of grueling practices, she was behaving more humane.
The football players all stayed at school as they normally did on a game day, and it was a nice retreat not having Ethan give me the third degree about why I was being so rude to Jackson. Especially now, since Jackson was part of the team and the two seemed to have become fast friends. According to Ethan, Jackson was even better than Cody. He had replaced Trey as the other starting wide receiver on the varsity team.
Also, as I had accurately predicted, Jackson had become extremely popular with the girls at school. Since his first day, he had every head turning between classes and received constant stares during. Of course, Taylor was by far his biggest fan. She was constantly making a complete spectacle of herself when he was anywhere near, especially in the cafeteria. It was almost comical watching her and him seemingly to not even notice. Jackson’s obvious lack of interest was killing her. Instead, it seemed he was always watching my every move.
***
Kyle, Jenna, and I joined Hilary and Caitlyn in the stands right before kickoff. It was freezing out, and the wind cut right through our clothes. Luckily, the rain held off and for that I was grateful. Despite the weather, it seemed that a large majority of the school had turned out. The excitement was contagious as the game finally got underway.
By the end of the first quarter, I had to admit Ethan was right; Jackson and Zak were a perfect match. The other team didn’t seem to have a prayer of stopping the two as they stomped them into nothingness. The excitement consumed the crowd as everyone rose to their feet and remained there throughout the entire second half.
Caitlyn was beside herself screaming for Zak while Hilary, though excited, was getting aggravated by the end of the third quarter because Zak had not thrown Cody the ball once during the game. She had decided to vent her frustrations to everyone present in the car on our short ride home.
“I don’t care who Jackson thinks he is or where he’s from. Cody was here long before him and they have been playing together since grade school.” She pouted from the backseat with Kyle and Jenna.
Caitlyn, who was riding shotgun, rolled her eyes at me. “Don’t worry about it. We won. That’s what matters,” Caitlyn hissed.
“I know that, but Jackson had no right bumping Trey out of his position and then hogging the ball the whole game.”
“Cody just couldn’t get open. The other team had him covered all night. I’m sure that’s why Zak didn’t pass to him.” I tried to reassure her and put an end to this.
Thankfully, she let it drop, and we rode the rest of the way in silence. When I pulled into my driveway, I was glad to see we’d beat my parents back to the house just so I could have dibs on being the first to take advantage of a hot shower.
Everyone piled out of my car still chilled to the bone from the game. Both Hilary and Caitlyn were headed over to get ready for the dance at Jenna’s and for a brief moment, I almost reconsidered joining them. Then I remembered all the reasons I couldn’t and felt almost sad. Why does the one guy that I want to be with have this kind of effect on me? It doesn’t seem fair.
“Are you sure you won’t go?” Caitlyn paused in the driveway.
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “I’m really not up for it tonight.” I mustered my best smile for her.
“You really should come. It’s going to be great,” Hilary joined in.
“Thanks, but I don’t think so.”
I waved them off and retreated into the house to avoid any more questions.
I soaked in a steamy, hot bubble bath for a good thirty minutes. Ethan took a quick shower in my parent’s bathroom, since I was in ours, before getting ready for the dance himself. It felt so childish hiding from him just so he wouldn’t have the chance to give me the third degree before he left. I knew I was being a coward, but I just didn’t want to hear the same crap from him as I had from my friends. It was too pathetic and I was already consumed with self-pity.
I waited until I was sure he was gone before I ventured downstairs. My parents were busy watching television in the family room so I fixed myself some microwave popcorn, grabbed a Coke, and headed down to the basement.
I put in one of my old favorite DVDs, St. Elmo’s Fire, and settled back on the couch to enjoy making a pig out of myself and some peace and quiet.
Shortly thereafter, the basement door opened and I heard someone walking down the stairs. I didn’t bother turning around since my parents were the only ones home so it took me by surprise when an unexpected voice rang out in the room, making me almost choke on a mouthful of popcorn.
“Hello.” Jackson’s voice filled the empty space. “I hope you do not mind. Your parents let me in,” he remarked when he saw the look on my face.
“What are you doing here? Why are you at the dance?” I questioned, feeling sicker with every step he took toward me.
I leaned my head against the back of the couch, waiting for the feeling to pass. I tried my best to fight off the lightheadedness and nausea. I couldn’t do anything about the cold sweats. I felt miserable.
He cautiously took a seat in the recliner across from me, looking a bit apprehensive. “I wanted to ask you to go with me to the dance, but I haven’t been able to speak to you all week.”
“How come you didn’t take Taylor? She seems crazy about you.” A small laugh escaped from me before I could stop it, but he only smiled.
“Taylor is not my type.”
His words sounded muffled in my ears as he sat there with almost-perfect posture, looking absolutely irresistible. I had to consciously divert my eyes so I wouldn’t stare at him.
“Oh.” I still wasn’t feeling well and was hoping I had it under control. “You did great tonight. Impressive.” I babbled like an idiot.
“Thank you.” He flashed his irresistible green eyes at me with a brilliant smile, making me feel even weaker than I had a moment ago.
Several minutes of silence passed with neither of us knowing what to say. We both turned our attention to the movie in attempt to ease the awkwardness.
“I like this movie.” Jackson broke the silence.
I could only nod in agreement since I didn’t trust myself to speak. I felt sick to my stomach and deeply regretted gorging myself on popcorn.
I sat there, feeling like a complete moron and believing he was thinking the same thing. I knew I had to at least muster up the strength to make small talk or he was never going to speak to me again.
“So how do you like it here?”
“Everyone seems nice. I am still getting used to it.” He kept his eyes on me, making me incredibly self-conscious.
“It’ll take a while,” I tried to say but my voice cracked. This was turning into a nightmare.
“Have you always lived here?” he asked, although I was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
“Yeah. Same house, same people, everything.”
“And you like that?” His head cocked slightly to the side as if he was actually interested in my response.
“I guess. Never really given it much thought.”
“Where do you plan to go to college?”
“I’ve applied to several different schools this fall. It depends.” I shrugged. “You?”
“Same. I am hoping to go to Boston U like my brother and sister.” He paused a second and then got up and walked over to the couch I was sitting on.
Instantly, my head began to spin like I was intoxicated, and all sound because distant and faded.
Jackson sat down on the other end of the couch, leaving only a three-foot gap between us. The room immediately began to darken.
“Can I ask you something? Why do you not like me?” His voice sounded like he was speaking through a tunnel. Then he inched a little closer and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Hey. Are you all right? You’re really pale?”
His voice faded out, and the room turned black.
I felt the coolness of a damp cloth on my forehead as my head started to become clear again, I didn’t want to open my eyes. I knew if I saw him it would begin again.
“Do you want me to get your mother?”
I shook my head. She was the last thing I needed.
“No thank you. I’m fine.” I tried to sit up, but as soon as I opened my eyes, my head started swimming again.
“Not so fast.”
I could hear the smile in his muffled voice and I rested back about the cushions.
“This is why,” I stumbled.
“Why what?”
“Why I can’t be near you,” I muttered, feeling totally foolish even with my eyes still closed.
“You are kidding? I thought you just did not like me.” His hand reached toward me, but he pulled it back when I cringed.
“Go sit across the room. Now! Please!” I begged, raising my voice at him. I instantly felt bad about doing so.
Jackson hesitated then finally moved back across the room. The cloud began to lift and the fog cleared, but only a little. I slowly pulled myself into a seated position, feeling extremely embarrassed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you,” I apologized.
“I am not offended. I am just happy to know you do not hate me.” His green eyes held mine with sincerity, making me all the more nervous.
“I don’t hate you. I don’t even know you,” I stated flatly on purpose.
“So do you do this around all guys, get nauseous and pass out?”
“No. This has never happened to me before.” I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.
“Maybe it means you really like me.” His smile widened.
“Or that I’m allergic to you.” I gave him a coy smirk.
“Ouch!” He laughed.
“Well, what do you want me to say?” My body felt completely drained.
“Nothing, but it would be nice to be around you without making you physically ill.”
“True. That would be a change.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Jackson stayed across the room from me for the rest of the evening, and we actually managed to pull off a conversation as long as he kept his distance. He thoroughly enjoyed the fact that his presence had such an effect on me, although I didn’t find much humor in it.
I found out that he had an older brother, Alex, and a sister, Phoebe, who had both remained in Boston. Phoebe had graduated recently, and Alex a couple years before her. When his father, Robert, had accepted the position at the law firm in Chicago, neither of his siblings wanted to uproot their lives and move to the Midwest. I couldn’t blame them. I wouldn’t have wanted to either. He told me his dad was an attorney and his mother, Emily worked from home, which I already knew from Jenna but didn’t tell him that.
Jackson was, in fact, very sweet and even somewhat funny. I really enjoyed spending time with him, although it was weird having to keep such a distance between us in order to have a conversation.
He went home a little before eleven. I waited downstairs until he was gone before slipping upstairs. I wanted to hide before Ethan came home to give me a full report. I changed quickly and hid under my covers with the lights out, knowing he wouldn’t bother me if he believed I was asleep.
My unexpected evening turned into a grossly conducted experiment that unfortunately, confirmed my initial theory in regard to Jackson’s effect on my physical being. This newly confirmed knowledge left me feeling restless and even more baffled than before.
How can a man I do not know cause me to experience such symptoms? Why do I feel like there is something missing? Although I still couldn’t explain what was going on, I had a strong suspicion that Jackson knew more than he was telling me and that left me feeling even more uneasy than the nausea.
CHAPTER 10
Saturday, October 19, 1878
I AWOKE REFRESHED and in much better spirits than the day before and decided to have breakfast in the dining room. I hoped to find William there so I could discuss with him what truly happened between Olivia and me on Thursday before the tension between us got any worse.
My parents were already out on their morning walk, enjoying the last remnants of the morning sunshine. William was sitting at the table, buried behind the newspaper and I was glad that I had the opportunity to speak with him alone. However, William could be very challenging to talk to about certain subjects and relationships were definitely one of them.
I sat down in the chair across from him and smiled politely. He seemed engrossed in the morning paper and ignored my presence.
“Good morning, William. How was school?” I was hoping to ease my way into a conversation, but he was not going to let me off so easy.
“What do you want, Jocelyn?” he asked without looking up.
“William, please. I would really like to talk with you. Can you please put the paper aside for a moment?”
William’s eyes were blazing as he hastily put the paper on the table. “What?”
“I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I admit I was very surprised by your news and did not handle it very well.”
“That is an understatement,” he huffed.
“I realize that, and I am sorry.”
“Plus, you go and start and argument with Olivia,” he accused.
“I did not start that argument, William. I tried to make sure she was all right, and she only wanted to insult me.” I attempted to defend myself, but the excuse did not even sound plausible to my own ears.
“Really?”
“Yes.” I started, feeling betrayed by him again. “William, you could at least listen to my side of the story.”
“After all you have done lately, why should I bother?”
I quickly got up from the table and rushed out the front door. I practically collided with my parents on the steps, only pausing long enough to escape around them. They gave me a puzzled look but said nothing as I ran down the walkway and out the front gate.
I ran all the way to the little, white gazebo in the park where Jackson had proposed last spring. The air had a chill that blew through my gown, and I had left the house without a shawl or caplet. The sun was flirting with the clouds, providing only momentary glimpses of light and warmth.
The flowers around the gazebo had long since died away with the summer heat. Now nothing was left but the decaying remembrance of happier times. I sat down on the little bench that surrounded the inner-lying perimeter of the gazebo and dropped my head against the railing and let the tears roll freely. I felt totally defeated and spent.
“Are you going to hide here all day?”
The sound of his voice startled me. I looked up to see Jackson as he approached the steps of the gazebo.
“I am considering it,” I answered through my sobs.
Jackson sat down next to me and handed me a handkerchief. “Dry your eyes, my love. I hate to see you crying.”
He slipped off his overcoat and wrapped it lovingly around my shoulders. His fragrance lingered heavy on the fabric, along with the heat from his body instantly filling me with warmth.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked as I wiped away my tears.
“William came over right after you ran out of the house. He told me what happened at breakfast, and I knew you would be here. This is our favorite place, after all.” Jackson leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I believe you caught him off guard this morning. He and Miss Olivia are dealing with a lot and I know that they both want to talk with you.”
“What about now?” I could only imagine another harsh exchange.
“Jocelyn, your brother and I are roommates and during the week we spend a lot of evening breaks between studying discussing different things. And trust me, I have asked him not to confide in me things that he is not ready to tell you about, but sometimes he does not listen so well,” Jackson began.
“Exactly what are you not telling me about now
?”
“I need you to remember how much I love you,” he began after sighing audibly.
The fact that he started out with this statement only reminded me again of his role in their deception. I immediately stood and started to walk away. There was no way this was going to end well. Jackson reached out and grabbed my hand to stop me. I gently tugged it away and descended the gazebo steps. Of course, he followed.
“Where are you going?” he inquired with haste.
“I believe I have heard enough. I am sorry, but this is more than I can deal with.” The tears started coming even harder and were beyond my control.
“Jocelyn, you don’t even know what I am talking about.”
But I kept going.
“Will you please stop?” Jackson stopped along the path to make me pause also.
He slowly approached me and gently wrapped me in his arms, kissing the top of my head. I wanted to push him away but could not bring myself to do it.
“There is so much more to this than you realize. If you will please just calm down for a moment, I would like to share with you the entire story.”
I nodded my head stupidly as I drowned in his dark green eyes.
“I should not be the one to share this with you. It should be your brother and Miss Olivia.” He took a deep breath.
“Please, just tell me the truth. It would be nice if someone was honest with me for a change.”
“Two Thursdays ago, after we had dinner at your house and William and I returned to our dorm room, your brother said he needed to speak with me. I knew they had been seeing each other and writing letters for the last several months and I knew it was getting serious between them. But I had not realized exactly how serious they were. William was very upset and had been for a while and he had disappeared a couple days earlier in the week.”
“Monday and Tuesday, right?” I interrupted him. Strangely, Olivia had also missed the same days.
“Yes. Miss Olivia too?” I nodded. “William and Miss Olivia had apparently taken a trip to Indiana. South Bend, actually.”
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