Essence

by A. L. Waddington

  “Yes, but I don’t believe that this is the right time or place to test it.”

  “Why not? The house is empty except for Ethan, and he is still in the shower.”

  I looked deeply into his eyes, pleading what I couldn’t bring myself to say.

  “True, but my parents could be home any time. You realize it wouldn’t be a good thing for them to walk in on either us kissing or you trying to revive me.” The image in my head made me laugh.

  “Kissing? I said I wanted to hold you.” The corner of his lips lifted in a lopsided grin. “Does that mean you want to kiss me, Miss Jocelyn?” I could feel my face burning red with embarrassment. He was truly enjoying himself.

  “Thanks. Now that I’ve made a complete idiot out of myself, I think I’ll head off to bed now.” I smirked at him playfully.

  I started to get up when Jackson reached out in an instant and grabbed my arm to stop me. The flood hit full force, and I felt a sharp pain on the side of my face before the world went totally blank. I was suddenly sitting in my room, but it was different, very different.

  The bed was a huge canopy with sheer drapes tied back around the posts. There were flowers — lilies — on a large table and lilacs with violets on the mantel. A large vanity with strange-looking jars and bottles rested against the wall, and upon it was an old silver mirror and hairbrush. A large, black woman dressed in an old-fashioned full length dress with an apron was carrying a tray to me.

  “Good mornin’, Miss Jocelyn. Did ya sleep well?”

  “Yes, Mimi, I did.” I heard myself reply. “Is Mother up?”

  “Yes’m. She’s downstairs wif Dr. Timmons n’ da’ study.” This woman placed a tray on my lap and adjusted a napkin around my neck. It was then I realized the strange-looking nightgown I was wearing and the ruffles along the sleeves. I ran my hand over the thick quilt covering my bed. It was lovely and so soft and warm. Strangely, I felt oddly at ease.

  I felt a numbing warmness covering my face. In a distant fog, I could hear Jackson’s voice calling my name, bringing me back from the confines of the warm bed and pleasantries of the large, black woman. I reluctantly opened my eyes to see Jackson and Ethan hovering over me.

  “Jocelyn, my God, are you all right? Lie still. You are bleeding!”

  Jackson’s face was full of concern and hovering over me, but I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb.

  “Don’t move! I’ve got to get Mom.” Ethan’s voice was full of panic. His hair and skin were dripping wet from the shower. It was obvious he hadn’t toweled himself off. Jackson must have hollered for him, causing him to grab a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt. The smell of his Axe body wash was still strong and burned my nose.

  “No,” I squeaked.

  “Jocelyn, I have to. I can’t get the bleeding to stop, and it looks deep,” Ethan pleaded.

  “What? I’m fine.” I tried to lift myself as a sharp pain shot through my head as if it were being split in two. Immediately Ethan’s hands were on my shoulders, forcing me back down.

  “I said stay.” His voice was loud and firm and I obeyed. The pain wouldn’t allow me to fight him.

  I looked over at Jackson’s grief-stricken face.

  “Don’t let her move. I’ve got to get our mom.” Then Ethan was gone.

  Jackson’s face looked like he was in as much pain as I.

  “I am so sorry, Jocelyn. I did not mean to grab your arm. It was instinct. I would never…” His voice trailed off. “I am so sorry.”

  “I know. It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.” I hated myself for putting that look on his face. I was so sick of this crap that was happening to me and pissed because I couldn’t understand it. Why can’t I have a normal relationship like everyone else?

  Within minutes, two set of hysterical parents were hovering over me. I could no longer see Jackson or Ethan anywhere, even though I knew they were both still there.

  My mom, who was extremely calm when it came to dealing with her patients and emergencies, was not quite so docile when it came to her own children. She stood there, hovering over me and arguing with our dad about the necessity of making the trip to the ER. Emily held my hand and Robert behind her, looked concerned.

  “Can’t you just stitch her up here?” my dad questioned.

  “Well, yes, but I believe we need to get an X-ray. She might have fractured her skull,” she argued.

  “She has a hard head, and it was just the coffee table. I’m sure she didn’t fracture her skull.” I could tell he was getting more irritated with her by the minute.

  “And when did you get X-ray vision?”

  Wow. It was rare that my mom ever spoke to him that way and in front of guests. She was pissed. And I also knew that this meant I was on my way to the ER.

  “And how did this happen? Ethan? Jackson?” My mom demanded eyeing the two men lingering in the background.

  “We were just watching a movie and talking, and Jocelyn said she was going upstairs to make some popcorn for us when she tripped over the side of the couch and hit the corner of the coffee table,” Ethan replied instead of Jackson.

  I was impressed. He’d covered for me. Although Jackson was allowed over, I knew my parents would give me grief about us being in the rec room alone when they weren’t home. I would have to remember later that I owed him big for this.

  “Are you sure you two weren’t wrestling around again, being stupid?” I could tell our dad didn’t exactly believe his story.

  I slowly opened my eyes again to see Robert and Emily exchange puzzled looks.

  “No, we weren’t. I promise.”

  Ethan and I were always being stupid and shoving each other into things. I knew that if they thought he was responsible for this he’d be grounded whether it was his fault or not. Our parents were constantly yelling at him about roughhousing with me ever since he’d hit a growth spurt three years ago. Ethan now towered over me and was easily twice as strong.

  “Help me get her in the car,” Mom said to our dad.

  I felt my dad’s arms under me, lifting me to him. I could smell his cologne and immediately felt safe and secure.

  “Wrap your arms around me, pumpkin,” he instructed.

  I did my best to comply, but my arms felt like dead weights.

  “Jocelyn!” His voice got louder but felt more distant than it should have. Then everything went dark again.

  CHAPTER 16

  Friday, October 25, 1878

  OLIVIA NEVER RETURNED TO SCHOOL. She missed an entire week of classes and every day I brought her assignments home and had Eddie deliver them next door since Olivia apparently didn’t want to see me. I would have thought that by now she and I were beyond this and able to talk things out, but I suppose I was wrong in thinking so. Her behavior proved my naivety.

  I did my best to be as excited about my upcoming party the next day as clearly my friends were. However, I could not seem to get myself in the mood. I was still upset about being shunned by Olivia and was half tempted to go over and confront her. But I knew that William and Jackson would be returning that evening and may already be there by the time I returned from school.

  I knew William would be furious with me if I got into another altercation with Olivia, especially now. And I truly felt selfish for even considering it with all that she was going through. After all, she was the one who was going to be the bride next weekend. Not to mention the baby on the way.

  The other girls were just as confused as I was by Olivia’s absence from school and her irrational behavior. There was great speculation as to whether she would attend my party tomorrow or not. Elizabeth was the most understanding and sympathetic, but the others were not. In fact, they were angrier about her secret relationship and deception with William than I and felt that she had truly betrayed my trust. It would probably be a good thing if Olivia did not show tomorrow. I was not sure what type of reception she would receive. It was obvious to me that she did not want to see me or anyone else. I did wonder if she was ex
periencing horrible morning sickness, as Mimi had suggested might be the problem, or if she was, in fact, too ashamed to face anyone, which is what I believed to be going on.

  Both Jackson and William were at the house by the time the school day had ended. They were sitting on the porch enjoying the mildly warm autumn afternoon and drinking tea, when I approached.

  “Hello, my love.” Jackson walked over and kissed me on the cheek. He took the books from my arms and placed them on the table.

  I returned with him to the swing and sat down beside him.

  “How were classes this week?” he inquired.

  “Wonderful. How did the examinations go?”

  “Over, finally.” He laughed. “I think I did well.”

  “I’m sure you did.” I snuggled in closer to him suddenly aware of William watching us. “And how did yours go, William?”

  “Fine.” His voice was somber.

  “Are you all right?” He did not look very well. He was pale and had dark circles under his eyes.

  “I am fine. Please excuse me,” he muttered andwithout another word, got up and retreated back into the house.

  “Is he okay?” I asked Jackson.

  “Not really.” Jackson shook his head as he dropped his eyes.

  “Has he spoken to Miss Olivia yet?”

  “No.” Jackson shook his head again. “I suggested he go over there, but he said he was not ready yet.”

  “He needs to speak to her. She needs him to be strong now.” I was truly disappointed in William’s behavior.

  “I told him the same thing, but he is not listening. He is drowning himself in his own pity and not even thinking about what she is going through.”

  “There is nothing he can do to change it now but accept responsibility for his mistakes.”

  “Trust me. He knows that. It is what upsets him so much.”

  I snuggled into Jackson’s arms, hoping they would protect from the world. I wanted desperately to believe we were immune from all their troubles, yet somehow, they kept showing up on our back porch. We sat there in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. We held onto each other, letting the time pass, enjoying the peace and serenity that felt so rare these days.

  “Has my mother already started to decorate for the party?” I attempted to change the subject.

  “What do you think?” Jackson laughed. He was all too familiar with my mother’s love for entertaining and playing hostess.

  “She does enjoy any reason to throw a party.” I shook my head. My mother always went out of her way to ensure everything was perfect and drove the entire household crazy in the process.

  “My mother is even in there helping and the two of them together, well, let me just say that it is frightening to watch them work.” He laughed. “Our Fathers are hiding across the street at my house. They were banned earlier by the women after they offered some suggestions.”

  “Sounds about right.” Even I know better then to do that.

  “We might want to join them. I am not sure it is safe for us in there.”

  “William is probably hiding out in his room.” That’s certainly where I’d be if I were him.

  “I would imagine so. Coward,” Jackson laughed. “But I am also not brave enough to go in there. Our mothers are on a quest and I do not want to get caught in the crossfire.”

  Jackson and I found our fathers playing poker on the back patio when we arrived. My father looked stunned at my arrival, knowing that Mother would have several harsh words to say if she learned of his playing such a game.

  “Jocelyn! I was, um, well…” He tucked his cards under the table and turned crimson.

  “It is all right, Father. I am not going to tell on you.” I had to laugh. It was so far out of his character.

  Robert on the other hand, did not seem bothered at all by our appearance and greeted us with his typical enthusiasm. “How was your day, Miss Jocelyn?”

  “Wonderful, thank you. And yours?” I grinned.

  “Delightful.”

  “Are you two hiding from your mothers?” My father replaced his cards into view and settled back into his card game, relieved.

  I stood beside Jackson, amused at their charade. “Yes. Jackson warned me before I made it into the house.”

  “Smart man.” Robert laughed. “You could not pay me enough to go back over there.”

  “Well, we’re going back inside. You two enjoy.” Jackson took my arm and the two of us retreated to the living room.

  We sat down in the front room at the piano bench. I began to play softly while Jackson sat contently beside me. Susan, a younger woman who worked in the Chandler household, brought in a tea tray and set it down on the table beside us. Jackson nodded thanks toward her, and she smiled and exited the room. I played a while longer as the clock edged its way towards dinnertime. It was such a peaceful evening. This was exactly how I imagined our life would be after the wedding. Of course, I knew that it would not always be moonlight and roses for us, but I certainly intended to enjoy to the fullest those moments that were.

  Our fathers joined us for dinner in the dining room where Susan served us almond chicken on rice with bread fresh from the oven. It tasted wonderful. The wine was flowing freely and that seemed to loosen the tongues among the men. They were all in high spirits and had found their element to the extent that even my father seemed to have forgotten I was sitting across from him.

  The conversation shifted to industrial development that was apparently booming all around us. New products were being thought up almost daily to make life easier and then the railroads were going across the land at a tremendous rate. It was simply amazing how fast things had changed in the last ten years alone. It was exciting to watch it, even though most of it I only got to witness secondhand.

  Three bottles of wine later, the four of us returned to my home well after dark. Robert, my father, and even Jackson, who had consumed his fair share, were feeling jovial. And I was enjoying the opportunity to poke fun at them every chance I got. However, I knew my mother was going to be annoyed when she realized the state her husband was in. That too was going to be amusing.

  However, when we returned, Mother and Emily were too fixated on the party arrangements and ensuring that the decorations were perfect that they did not even seem to notice the erratic behavior of the gentlemen.

  The downstairs of the house was covered with lilies and violets, and ivory bows hung on everything that stood still. There was ivy draped along the walls and wrapped around the spindles winding up the staircase. My birthday cake was already sitting on the dining room table. It was three tiered, red velvet with cream cheese frosting decorated with little violets and sage petals. Sarah had done a gorgeous job. She was so talented in her culinary skills. It really was a breathtaking sight to behold. I was impressed with all the ladies had accomplished in a short amount of time.

  Robert and my father quickly retreated into my father’s office to stay out of our mothers’ way, and according to them, to avoid a lashing over their obvious condition. Jackson and I took refuge in the lounge away from all the chaos our mothers were inflicting on the staff. It was the only somewhat quiet room in the house where we could speak without having to shout at one another.

  It was almost nine o’clock when Jackson left. I slowly walked up the stairs to my room. I was truly jealous of Olivia. She only had a week left before she was a bride and I had two months left to wait. It felt like an eternity from now.

  I snuggled down under the covers feeling wide-awake and restless. I was anxious about the party and whether or not Olivia would make an appearance; and if she did, what kind of reception would she receive from our friends? I hated to think about how Maryanne would surely treat her and not for what she believed Olivia had done to me — that was just the excuse she would use — but because Maryanne had a mean streak that she loved to unleash whenever the opportunity arose.

  The glow from my fireplace illuminated my room, giving off a warm, soft glow.
I climbed out of bed and wandered over to the mantle and picked up the soft, velvet, blue box, quietly opening it. There lay my precious pocket watch. I ran my fingers softly over it, thinking about Jackson. I picked up the watch and wrapped my fingers around it, enclosing it in my hand. Suddenly, I felt wave crash over me, making me dizzy and sick to my stomach. The room began to spin around me. My legs felt so weak and could no longer hold my weight. I fell to the floor in front of the hearth.

  I could see myself surrounded by strange girls in the weirdest clothing I could possibly imagine. Some were wearing pants like men. The others had on pants that were cut up to their thighs. Their shirts were so odd, like nothing I had ever seen before. Some even showed their stomachs and the material was the most unique fabric I’d ever seen. I found myself in the strangest room surrounded by tall, yellow cages and wooden benches. The air was musty and smelled horrible. It was so loud and everyone was talking all at once. The floor was cold and hard and the cage in front of me, which, strangely enough I knew somehow belonged to me, was covered in some type of paper with Happy Birthday written all over it.

  I held in my hand the watch that Jackson had given me. I could not understand why it was here in this weird place. The girls around me were all excited about my watch, but I did not understand why. One of them was speaking to me. Her voice and words were off. Her grammar was appalling. I handed my watch to one of them, who proceeded to pass it on to a couple of others. I had no idea where I was, but I felt so strangely comfortable. Finally, my watch was handed back to me and I tucked it into the cage.

  The imagines and voices began to fade around me. I opened my eyes, dazed and completely confused. The sounds from downstairs were muffled and tunneled in my ears. What in the world happened? I scanned over my room, and it appeared the same as it always had. I could feel heat from the hearth burning the side of my face and realized I was lying on the floor. Jackson’s gift was next to me on the rug, where I must have dropped it. I looked at it for a long time shaking uncontrollably, too terrified to pick it up. I slowly inched away from it, feeling like it was going to strike out and bite me.