Finding My Way

by Heidi McLaughlin

  In my Home Economics class we were asked to write a paper about what we’d be if our goals were different. As I looked around my class I saw people who didn’t have a clue about what they wanted to do once they graduated. I mean, seriously, we’re seventeen/eighteen years old and we’re told from the time we enter high school to start thinking about our future. What if you don’t know? What if you make it to your senior year and haven’t figured it out yet? Where do you go? What do you do?

  These are the questions that I have and don’t know the answer to. I don’t need to, technically. My path is chosen. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and now it’s just a matter of waiting for the right offer to come in. Nothing but the best for Liam Westbury, that’s the motto I’ve lived by. I’ll have my pick of all the top schools that want to provide me with a stellar education. And all they want from me is to run their offense and win. I’ll do my four years and enter the NFL draft. Once I’m drafted, I’m asking Josie to marry me. I want her to finish college and make sure that my path is her path as well. I’m all she’s known. My fear is that she gets to college and meets someone else and realizes I’m not the man she wants. She could find someone whose parents accept her for who she is and not by the amount of zeros that are in her bank account. What if I don’t want to play football in college and become a number cruncher?

  As much as I want to go to her and take her away from her friends, I don’t. I climb the ladder leading to the top. This tower has been here for years, but no one knows if it’s still working. As soon as I could drive we started coming here. At first it was just me so I could get away from Sterling. Then I brought Mason and a few of the other guys. The next time I brought Josie here.

  I sit down next to Mason and heave my beer bottle over the edge, watching it fly down to my truck and shattering in the back.

  “I love that sound.”

  “How can you hear it over the music?” Nick Ashford butts in. I close my eyes and wish he’d go away. He’s dense and thinks he’s better than me. I see him staring at my girl all the time and it pisses me off.

  “I just can.”

  “Look at Katelyn,” Mason changes the subject to avoid any confrontation from starting and brings his current bottle to his lips.

  “What about her?”

  “I love her.”

  “And she loves you,” I reply against my better judgment. I love Mason, but sometimes when he’s been drinking he gets so girly that I have to watch what I say. If I’m not careful, he’ll cry on my shoulder and tell me how much he loves me for being his QB1 and I don’t want to hear it right now.

  I twist the top off my beer and take a long pull as I survey the crowd. The cops should be here busting this up, but they won’t come. If they bust us, our winning streak goes out the door and they’d be the most hated people in town. They’d likely get fired. Beaumont takes their football a bit too seriously if you ask me, but whatever, it’s allowing me to drink out in the open and fuck my girl in my truck without getting busted.

  “Mase, come down here. I’m lonely,” Katelyn yells up at him.

  The laughter between the girls and us is just enough to keep a constant flow of noise in the air.

  “I love you, baby,” Mason yells through cupped hands. “I’m going to marry that girl and make beautiful babies with her.” We start laughing, but I know it’s true. Katelyn walks on water where Mason is concerned. I know the feeling. I look down and see the silhouette of my girl standing by my truck, my letterman jacket making me jealous because it’s wrapped around her. But this is tradition, being here after a game.

  “I know man,” I say, patting him on the back.

  “Double wedding,” he shouts as I spew my beer out of into the open air.

  “Dude, you’re a dude. You aren’t supposed to be talking about weddings and shit.” Jerad says before chugging his beer.

  Mason shrugs. “When you love someone, you just know.”

  His words keep me silent because he’s right. I know I love Josie and want to be with her. I told her this much tonight. I see her as my wife of fifteen/twenty years and I’m confident that she sees me as her husband, but is it enough?

  “Do you ever think about knocking her up so she has to stay with you?” I turn slowly at Mason and he meets my eyes.

  “What?” I ask as utter confusion runs through me.

  “I don’t know. The thought of college away from Katelyn scares me and sometimes I think if I got her pregnant she’d follow me wherever I go.”

  I turn away and look at Josie.

  My girl.

  My Jojo.

  I can’t even begin to think like Mason.

  “Nah,” I say, taking a swig of my beer before tossing it to the bed of my truck.

  Chapter 6

  Mondays. I hate them. They’re literally the worst day of the week. Not only are most of us tired, but teachers come to work in a bad mood. None of them are chipper or happy go lucky. They’re pissed off and sucking down cups of coffee to keep themselves awake. You’d think that after our win on Friday night they’d be happy, but no, they’ll save that for Friday when they can “pretend” to teach by way of talking football.

  I set my books down on my desk and wait for class to start. Ms. Barnes walks in with bags under her eyes. Rough weekend for her, I’m gathering. A few of the guys snicker in class probably making assumptions about what she did, but I can’t be bothered. My eyes are focused on the courtyard next to my class. My girl is out there with her P.E. class doing yoga and slowly killing me. I don’t know what dog facing forward is but if that’s what she’s doing, we need to find some time to practice it together.

  “Mr. Westbury, do you plan on joining us today?”

  I turn at the sound of my name and find Ms. Barnes standing just to the side of me. She’s leaning toward me, her cleavage prevalent in my face. I guess I don’t have to assume why she has bags under her eyes. I smirk and shake my head before turning my gaze back out the window to watch Josie.

  “Mr. Westbury, eyes forward please,” she commands as she walks away from me. I roll my eyes and keep my focus on the outside. It’s more entertaining and far more educational than whatever Ms. Barnes is going to teach us about globalization.

  When Josie and her class start rolling their mats up a huge sigh washes over me. After staring at her in spandex for the last forty-five minutes, I’m ready to see her, to touch her. I look at the clock and count off the seconds until the bell rings. It will take me approximately a minute and a half to get across campus to her locker, piece of cake.

  I’m up and out of my seat before the sound of the bell echoes through the school, realizing then that I never took my textbook out of my backpack. It’s Monday, right? School is very overrated in my opinion anyway.

  When I come around the corner I see Katelyn and Mason with Josie. This instantly brings a smile to my face. They’re my family and the only ones who truly understand me. Josie is leaning against her locker, her face pensive.

  “Wait until Liam sees this,” I overhear Mason say as I approach them.

  “Sees, what?” I ask as I bend down to kiss my girl before turning to Mason. “What’s this?” Mason hands me a piece of paper. It’s folded into fours like the notes girls would pass to us in class back in middle school. I open it and read it, wishing my eyes were deceiving me, but they’re not. I take a deep breath and look at Josie. “What’s this, Josie?”

  “I don’t know. Katelyn brought it to me. I don’t even know what it says.”

  I look at Katelyn who shrugs as if this is no big deal when in reality it’s huge. I’m going to kick someone’s ass, someone who deserves to have a freaking beat down for even looking at my girl.

  “He gave it to me in history class,” Katelyn says as Mason wraps his arms around her. I know he knows what I’m thinking but if he thinks I’m going to take it out on Katelyn, he’s nuts. She’s like a sister to me.

  As pissed off as I am I can’t help but find the humor. Does this
asshole really think a love letter to my girl is going to win him any brownie points? I look at the paper and try to contain my laughter.

  “It says,” I start. “Dear Josephine, Do you realize how beautiful you are? I see you in the halls and wish I had the courage to talk to you, but I don’t. I wouldn’t know what to say. I would like to get to know you better. Call me. Yours, Nicholas Ashford.”

  Mason and I bust out laughing as soon as I’m done reading it. Josie rolls her eyes and walks away from us. I look at the letter one more time before folding it back up and slipping it into my pocket. I’m keeping this shit for later and after my fist is done reminding Ashford that Josie is mine, he can have his letter back.

  I run to catch up with Josie before she enters her class. I don’t say anything to her as I guide her out the double doors and toward the football field. No one will come out here, especially if they saw us heading this way.

  I spin her around and push her up against the concrete wall of the concession stand. I know she’s angry with me for being a Neanderthal, but I can’t help it when it comes to her. She’s mine and I don’t share well. My hands cup her ass, her legs wrapping around my hips instantly. I move my hand to her face, cupping her cheek as my mouth captures hers. “Do you want to call Ashford?” I ask as my other hand moves under her skirt.

  Josie shakes her head and that’s enough for me. I know my girl is faithful. She’s never given me a reason to be jealous, but I know I am of Ashford.

  “He’s jealous of me, baby. He wants everything I have. Please don’t give it to him.”

  “I won’t, I promise.”

  In my heart I know she won’t, but right now that’s not good enough. I need more. I work the buttons on my jeans and release myself, plugging right into her. It’s stupid having sex without a condom, but right now I need this from her.

  The moment her mouth drops open, I take advantage with my tongue. Her nails are digging into my neck, encouraging me. I’m trying to be gentle and not slam her against the wall but she feels too good and I’m having a hard time controlling myself. I pull back a little and slam into her again. She whimpers into my mouth before biting my lower lip. Our eyes are open and focused on each other. I love this girl with everything that I am.

  I thrust a few times before saying the words that are going to piss her off. “I need to pull out.”

  “What, why?” she asks, moving her body in rhythm with mine making it hard for her to keep control.

  “No condom,” I say as I pull out. I have to set her down quickly and move away from her so I can finish myself off. It only takes a few seconds, which is not a good sign. I wipe my hands on my jeans and right myself before going back to her and pulling her into my arms. “I love you, Jojo.”

  She leans her head on my shoulder with her arms around my waist. “We can’t be stupid like that, Liam. A baby would totally mess up your future.”

  “And yours,” I say.

  “I could handle it. You don’t need the stress. You’re so close to achieving all your dreams,” she says in between the kisses she’s placing on my neck. This isn’t the answer I’m looking for. She’s supposed to be angry with me and she’s not. She’s too freaking worried about my goals and dreams and not her own. She should have her own damn dreams for the future and not brushing off that we just had sex without a condom.

  I step away from her and make sure her hair isn’t messy and her clothes are straight before we walk hand in hand back to school. We ditched class and she’ll probably get a call home even though I know that I won’t. That’s how this school works. The golden boy can do no wrong. Maybe I need to use that fact to my advantage more often.

  Chapter 7

  The calls from scouts are starting to come in and it pisses me off that my dad is fielding them. He bought me a cell phone for this exact reason, yet coach still gives out my home number. Sterling will not choose my college for me. I refuse to allow that to happen. This isn’t an opportunity for him to relive his life through me. I will not live in a state that I don’t like or that is too far from Josie. She’s far too important for me to be away from her.

  Another evaluation period is coming up and knowing this has me on edge. These coaches and scouts are snooping around my life and there isn’t shit I can do about it. They talk to teachers, coaches and whoever else they want so they can find out what type of kid I am. “A rich, snobby one who gets away with everything because of what he’s done for his school” needs to be the answer they give, but they won’t. I’m sure their responses are all scripted to suit each recruiter that comes through town. If this were a recruiting week, they’d all be waiting by my truck when I get out of practice. That will be a nice week.

  We’re sitting pretty at number one in the standings. Four wins with one of them being too close for my liking. Winning by three is not how I like to end my games. We played well, but they played better. I’m just thankful that there were no scouts out that night. Not only am I worried about myself, but I’m also worried about my teammates. Everyone wants to play at the next level and that falls onto me. If I perform well, they do too. We’re a team, a family.

  I take my helmet off when coach blows the last whistle of the day and head toward the locker room. The mood of the team is somber. It always is after a close game. As their captain it’s my job to reassure them, and I do. We won’t have another close game like that. Not on my watch.

  When I get to the parking lot, my girl is lying on the top of my truck. She’s wearing those sassy little cut-offs with her hair in braids, a plaid shirt and cowboy boots. And she’s the farthest thing from a cowgirl. But she is sexy as hell. I have to stop and stare at her for a minute, just to get the full effect. That girl right there is mine and she’s waiting for me. I smile and cock my head.

  “Whatcha doing, Jojo?” I feign innocence as I step up to her. She winks at me as she slides off my truck and into my arms.

  “You know the only thing you’re missing is a hat.”

  Her eyes raise and a cute little grin appears. She’s up to something. Josie leans forward and nuzzles my neck making me thankful that I took a shower after practice.

  “I have dinner for you.”

  Yes, my girl knows what I like to eat. “Are your parents’ home?”

  Josie leans back and slaps me across the chest causing me to laugh. “What?”

  “Really, Liam, is that all you think about?”

  “Since I popped your cherry, yes. I’m a guy and I have a hot fucking girlfriend who I happen to love and thoroughly enjoy being with, and she also happens to be standing here in a pair of shorts that are tempting me. They’re so short and I can easily slide my fingers up your legs to where I know you want me. Forgive me if my mind is in the gutter.”

  Josie kisses me hard, running her hands through my still damp hair. “I made you dinner,” she tells me again, pulling away too soon. She rests her forehead against mine briefly. “There’s a picnic basket in the back, I thought we could go to the Cliffs and watch the sunset.”

  “I’d like that.” She doesn’t know how much her doing this means to me. I kiss her once before throwing my football gear into the back of my truck. I open the door and let her slide in first before following her.

  I rest my hand on her leg as we drive out of the school parking lot. For October, it’s still warm, an Indian summer they call it. I don’t care what the name is I love it. The weather allows me to roll the windows down and feel the wind in my hair, well what I have for hair. I love the fact that Josie doesn’t say anything about the wind messing up her hair. I feel her move closer, her hand resting on my leg and her head resting on my shoulder. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but for me, I’m thinking I don’t want this to ever end. I want to stay where we are and not have to grow up and move away from each other, but staying here doesn’t provide a future for us. I have to take one for the Westbury/Preston team, her and I, and do what I need to do to support her.

  We pull into the Cliffs. They’
re not really a part of anything but a roadside destination created years ago. They were dubbed “the Cliffs” because of their high elevation. That scares some people, but I think they’re worth it. If you walk down the well-worn path you’ll find some open spaces that look out of the river where you can watch the sunrise or sunset on any given day.

  Aside from two other cars, the place is deserted. Just the way I like it. It means Josie and I can be alone with no one bothering me about the upcoming football game or what college I’m going to choose. It means we can sit here and have some peace and quiet. Although quiet is the last thing I want.

  I take her hand in mine and pick up the picnic basket from the back of my truck. Josie made sure we’d be prepared and has a blanket in her other hand. I pull her close and kiss her before guiding her down the path. She takes the lead and finds a spot for us, spreading out the blanket and taking the basket from my hand.

  I walk to the edge of the cliff and look out over the rocky slope that feeds into a vast river. The water is flowing after the rainfall we had. We swim here every now and again, but most of the time we prefer Katelyn’s pool. The girls really don’t like the river anyway. They’re afraid they’re going to catch something.

  Josie’s arms come around my waist. I lean into her and tighten my hands on her arms, holding her in place. She’s my peace. My calm. I just need her in my life to make everything okay.

  “We should eat,” she says, whispering into my back. I nod and let go of her hands, but grab one to hold while we walk back to the blanket. It dawns on me that in four years I can be hearing those words from her all the time and yesterday that seemed like a long time, but tonight, it seems like tomorrow. I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her.