Finding My Way

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I stiffen when she saddles up behind me, placing her arms around my waist. I don’t want a clinger, but yet I have one. The bathroom door opens and for a minute I think we’re busted. I look at the mirror to find Sam standing behind us. Her eyes are pooling with tears.

  “Fucking great,” I mutter.

  “How could you?” she cries out.

  I sigh. “Sam, we’re not together. I’ve told you this repeatedly.”

  I turn and look at the girl who is shaking her head. “Why?” Sam asks, her lip quivering. I hate it when she cries and I feel the need to comfort her, but she has to know her boundaries.

  “Are you really asking me why?”

  She shakes her head. “You’re my best friend. We share an apartment. You know how I feel about him.”

  I look from Sam to the girl and back again. This is not good.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, grabbing a hold of my arm. I shake her free and step away.

  “Look, I’m going to go.” I don’t wait to see how that mess in there is going to turn out. I bail, leaving everyone behind at the club.

  Stepping out into the night air makes me realize that Harrison has it made. He gets to go home to someone who loves him unconditionally. Someone who lights up at the sound of his voice and makes him feel whole. I need that, and then maybe I won’t be such a shit all the time.

  Maybe I should get a dog.

  Chapter 44

  Five Years since Beaumont

  “Why the hell aren’t you on the plane?”

  I hear her before I see her. The studio door swings open, crashing against the wall. It’s a damn good thing the walls are padded or there’d be a dent in there now. Sam stands there with her hand on the end of the door, her breathing is labored as if she’s just ran a marathon in her heels. Her face is red and blotchy, but there’s something different about her. I cock my head to the side in wonder before I realize what she’s done. My eyes have to be deceiving me. I stand slowly, dropping my headphones onto the ground. She’s gone too far this time. It’s one thing to start wearing her perfume, but to go and dye her hair the same exact color is something else.

  I look into the other room and see that it’s empty. Both the sound techs and the producer have vanished leaving me alone to deal with a very pissed off Sam, which is fine. This is how I like it. I can take her on without any witnesses because she’ll just drag them into our twisted trap when she’s done. I’ve learned over the years that the one lonely night on the road has been the catalyst for a slowly self-destructing Sam. Apparently it’s my fault and the brief period when we dated, was the happiest she had ever been up until I subsequently left her. There’s no excuse for my behavior or none that I’m willing to make. Shit happened, I was young and that’s it.

  Sam stalks forward with her finger pointing at me. When she stops in front of me, she stabs me. I try not flinch but her fake nail hurts. I breathe deeply through my nostrils. Today… no, this week is not the week to be messing with me. My chest puffs out in anger, but she doesn’t step back.

  “I’m so sick and tired of your bullshit, Liam Page.” Her words are venomous with a hint of pain. If I play my cards right, I can get out of this without making her cry. That’s a win for me.

  “What in the fuck are you talking about? I could ask you the same thing.” I bite back, the anger boiling in the pit of my stomach. What gives her the right to barge in here and assault me like this? Doesn’t she know what tomorrow is?

  “I’m talking about how you’re not on the plane flying to New York City to do the interview with the Today show.” She rights herself and steps back from me. I don’t know if she’s trying to calm down or what. She clears her throat. “You have a contract obligation. There’s a red-eye flight tonight, you’ll be on it.”

  “The hell I will,” I fire back.

  “Excuse me?” her eyes are like daggers, piercing and cold. Her steely stare sends a cold chill down my back. I’ve never seen her like this. Her eyes are void of any emotion and her normal hue of brown is so dark I’d dare say they’ve turned black.

  “I think you heard me and since I know you’re listening. Why the fuck did you change your hair color?”

  “Don’t you like brunettes?” It’s a valid question, but one that isn’t getting an answer from me.

  “Have you ever seen me with a brunette?”

  She steps forward, her head shaking slightly. “No, Liam, I’ve seen you with blonds, red heads and a few with jet black hair, but never have I walked in on you getting your dick sucked by a brunette.”

  “Maybe you should knock first.”

  Over the years I’ve made major mistakes with Sam. It’s hard to say I regret them, but some I do. I should’ve never slept with her, period. We crossed the line and turned what was potentially a decent working relationship into hell. After my grandma died and she took care of everything, I didn’t question her. I should’ve. She’s listed as an emergency contact on my penthouse, so she always has access. I can’t change it and she uses it to her advantage. Thing is, I’m such a dick to her that I’ve made sure she’s caught me in the act, because it’s the only way to get through to her sometimes. She needs to see me with other women to know we’re never going to be an item.

  “Well, if I knocked, I would have missed seeing your glorious body in the flesh.” Just like that her tone has changed. Her finger trails down the front of my shirt. I grab her hand and push her away.

  “No more, Sam. You need to get that through your head and if you can’t, we’re done.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yeah, it is.” I bend and pick up my headphones and set them on my stool. “What do you want?”

  “I want you to show me the respect I’ve earned!” she screams. I turn in time to duck from her briefcase flying toward my head.

  “What the fuck?”

  “Get your ass on that God damn plane, Liam. I’m done with your diva attitude.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Sam. What part of that isn’t clear? You know better than to schedule anything this week. Harrison and JD can do the interview, they don’t need me.”

  Sam begins to pace. I’m afraid to move for fear I won’t be able to dodge anything that she throws at me. I look out into the other room quickly to see if anyone’s back yet. I’d like to know what she told them to get them to leave. I could really use some interference right now.

  “For years…” she sighs. Her back is to me and right now I think that’s more dangerous than her looking at me. I can’t see or read her expression from here. “I made you, Liam Page. You weren’t anything but a lowly teenage boy thinking he was going to make it big in the city. My dad,” she shakes her head. “He didn’t care. He respected your grandmother, but wasn’t going to give you a chance, until I saw you play.” She turns and faces me. She looks defeated and I’m trying not to care.

  “I took one look at you and I saw something I could mold into a superstar, but you held back. You played like you were missing something. It didn’t take me too long to figure it out, but short of bringing her here…” she shakes her head, biting her lip as looks down at the ground. I process her words, wondering what the fuck she’s talking about. I have a feeling, but I don’t want to ask in case I’m wrong.

  “I tried to be what you needed. I’m so much more than you ever gave me credit for. I know I’ll never be …”

  “Be what, Sam?” I swallow hard, remembering the words I said to her the first night we were together, “someone you’ll never be”. The pit of my stomach is telling me that my worse fear is about to come true. She knows about my life back in Beaumont. The one I’ve tried to protect by forgetting. I don’t care if she knows about Texas and football, but Beaumont is off limits.

  “Sam?” I say, pleading with her.

  Her head snaps up, her eyes on fire. “I know I’ll never be like your precious Josephine. Is that what you want to hear Liam Westbury?”

  I lurch and fight back the nausea. She knows, but how
?

  “How?”

  She laughs and waves her hands in the air. “I’m rich, Liam. So fucking rich, yet I can’t have the one thing I want out of life and that’s love. I’m in love with you and at one time you were in love with me, but then you stopped. I can’t even buy your love because you’re so fucking hung up on someone who doesn’t want you. I’M RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU. And you ignore me. I made you.” She stalks toward me and pushes me with both her hands. “I made you, Liam, not her. All of this is because of me and you can’t do something as simple as love me back, yet you pine away for that brunette like she’s your dying breath. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

  I want to tell her she’s wrong, but she’s not. She discovered me and maybe if I had waited to see if anyone else wanted me things might be different, but they’re not. I chose Sam and everything that came with her and now I’m paying the price now. I’ve been gone far too long to pick up the telephone now and call. I don’t know if Sam’s been to Beaumont or not and frankly I’m too afraid to know.

  “How?” I ask again.

  “Private investigator. After that night on the bus when you told me she’s someone I’d never be, I had to find out who my competition was. It wasn’t hard once I went through your grandmother’s stuff and found out who your mom was.”

  “You bitch.” There’s no force behind my words. I’m stunned, hurt and breaking piece by piece on the inside. She invaded my life – the one I needed to leave behind to do this.

  Sam smirks and laughs. “Yeah I’m the bitch. I fucked you and pushed you aside. I told you I would try at a relationship and bailed at the first sign of trouble.”

  “So what?” I yell. “So fucking what? That gives you the right to invade my life? There’s a reason why I didn’t want you to know about who I was before I moved here. That life doesn’t define me.”

  “But it does.”

  I shake my head. “That’s where you’re wrong Sam. I left everything behind to be here. I ruined everything because I had this dream and someone in my family was willing to stand by me while I pursued it. My life there is none of your Goddamn business.”

  “I’m your manager - everything’s my business, including the barflies you bring home nightly. Your past indiscretions? I’m the one who cleans up after them. I pay Jorge to make sure they get home safely. You dismiss them like trash.” She’s pointing at herself. There’s a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. This is the first time we’ve fought like this and it’s scaring the shit out of me. This is why we aren’t good for each other.

  “They’re one night stands, Sam. You drove me to them.” I scream out, holding my head, bent at my waist. It all makes sense now.

  The perfume.

  Dying her hair.

  She’s trying to be Josie to get my attention.

  “Get on the plane, Liam. I’m not telling you again.”

  I shake my head. “It’s not happening.”

  “If you don’t, it’s a violation of your contract. I’ll terminate you for insubordination.” Right now I think it’d be worth it.

  I nod and look her square in the eyes. “Fine, but I’ll be meeting with your father in the morning and telling him everything. I’ll tell him about all the late night phone calls. About all the times you’ve crawled into my bed when I’ve told you over and over again that I don’t want to be with you. I’ll tell him how you supplied all my alcohol when I was underage. How you took advantage of me on the bus that night. Two can play this game, Sam, and you may be his daughter, but right now he’s sitting pretty with the royalties that this band is bringing in. The wall of fame is looking pretty fresh with the Grammy’s we’ve won. You didn’t win those. You didn’t write those songs. I did. So while you think you’ve done so much for me, take a long hard look at what we’ve done for Moreno Entertainment.

  “I’m on vacation, Sam. This is the week that I’ve taken every year since my grandma died. You know that, so why you decided to schedule an interview during this week is beyond me, but I won’t be going. You can either let the show know that you’ve made a mistake or tell them I’m ill, but I’m not leaving.”

  “You’d leave if she called you,” her voice is quiet, broken. I try not to show that her statement gets to me, but I can see it in her face. She knows.

  “That would never happen.”

  I leave her in the studio to figure her shit out. I don’t know if we’ll have a manager tomorrow or not, but I’m not going to let her strong arm me into something I’m not comfortable doing.

  As soon as my feet hit the sidewalk I’m taking ten steps and walking into the bar that’s adjacent to the studio.

  “What can I get ya?” the bartender places a bowl of nuts in front of me after he wipes down the bar.

  “Whiskey, straight.”

  “Tough day?”

  I nod as I grab a handful of nuts and toss them into my mouth. He sets the whiskey down in front of me. The dark amber liquid mocks me. It’s been years since I’ve tasted the burn. I move the glass back and forth, watching the booze slosh around.

  I wish I could close my eyes and go back to the night that I stood at her dorm room door. I wish I‘d let her pull me in so I could feel her in my arms one more time. Things would be different, but I’d be with her or we’d be in the same town. I could be admiring her from afar or even hold her at night. But I’m here in Los Angeles like I wanted to be, living a life that I thought I wanted. If eighteen year old me could ask twenty-three year old me what his life would be like, I’d tell him to stay in college.

  Life is not what I thought it would be. I’m cynical. I prefer to be alone most of the time until someone steps in front me and I think they can numb my pain long enough that I can function properly. The dullness only lasts until sunrise and then I have to start all over again. The same routine day in and day out. Nothing changes until I’m on tour and that routine is just as bad.

  I suppose I’m living any man’s dream. Women throw themselves at me. I smile and they’re putty in my hands. Why? Is it because I’m in a band, because I sing? I don’t see it. I don’t feel the attraction. Each one is just a painkiller.

  “I can make you forget her.”

  I shift my gaze to the woman that’s just sat down beside me. I eye her bare legs and dress that is riding up her thigh. I pick up my glass and down my Jack, never taking my eyes off her.

  Chapter 55

  Ten Years since Beaumont

  Whiskey at ten a.m. is not usually my thing, but then again reading about a man I once called my best friend wasn’t my plan either. I fold the article that I printed early from The Beaumont Daily and place it in my back pocket. The internet, while I’ve used it plenty to keep tabs on people, is the bane of my existence right now. The day I stood on my grandma’s cliff and told her I would try this for a year haunts my memory. Twelve months and I would go back to Beaumont and make amends, except I didn’t because one year turned into two, which turned in five and now ten and now it’s too late for me to go home and fix what I had done.

  Right now, I’d give it all up. I’d give up the personal appearances, the late nights, the all access parties with the hottest celebrities, just for one moment where I can apologize for being an epic douche. I don’t know if he’d understand, but I’d try my hardest to make him. I always thought I’d have a chance to let him into my life, this life that I’ve built for myself, so he could see how much better off I am… or used to be.

  This business – it’s deadly. I used to love it. I used to thrive to be on stage in front of thousands of people. To hear them chant my name over and over again. To sign autographs and take pictures. That soon faded. It became a hassle, a chore. Now it’s become my reality and nightmare because I can’t escape the life I’ve built. Not that I want to, but I would like something different. I don’t deserve it though. I made the decision ten years ago to change my life and with what I’m staring at, I don’t have the right to feel the loss that I’m feeling.<
br />
  I press her number on my phone and wait for her to answer. She’s not going to understand this, but I need to do this for me.

  “Hello?”

  “I need you to book me a hotel.”

  “Why?”

  “Because there’s something I have to do.”

  Sam sighs, but I can hear her moving around to get a pen. About five years ago Sam and I had a huge fight. We both said things we didn’t mean and I walked away. I threatened to quit and her father was livid. Sam took a year off from the band to get her head straight and came back full-force. She booked us on a yearlong US and international tour that was a huge success. We also had a few more songs appear in movies and added two more Grammy’s to our list. Since then, everything has been on an even keel. There are no more romantic feelings and she’s been very professional.

  “What hotel?”

  “Um…” I try to remember the name, but I’m not sure if it’s even there anymore. “There’s a Holiday Inn on Route 15 –”

  “Liam, why are you going to Beaumont?”

  I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I forgot that she knows every possible thing about Beaumont, thanks to her trusty private investigator.

  “There’s been a death. I need to go and pay my respects.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s just something I have to do, Sam. I can’t explain it. I’ll be gone three days. In and out and I probably won’t talk to anyone. I’ll stand in the back of the church and no one will recognize me.”

  “Mhm… I don’t like this. I’ll go with you.”

  My head is screaming no. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to take my bike. You can have a suit sent to the hotel. Besides, someone needs to feed the cat.”