Horizons

by Mickie B. Ashling

She started to get up and then sat down again. “By the way, ask Jody about this Rick person. Nikki seemed to think it’s important, for some reason.”

  “Sure thing, Mom. Can we talk about something else now?”

  “Honey, I’ve got to run. Your dad is expecting me to be home when he gets off work. If I’m not there, I’ll have to explain.”

  “Which would open a huge can of worms, right?”

  “Exactly.”

  I moved over and gave her a big hug. She was a tiny thing. Her head barely grazed my chest, but she was a strong woman who had raised five sons, and lived with a difficult and demanding husband. I wanted to say something. I needed to talk to someone about my feelings for Jody, but I was reluctant to dump my thoughts on her. It would create major problems, and I didn’t think that it was fair to saddle her with all my questions when I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I decided to say nothing and spare her the anxiety.

  We called Jason on his cell phone and asked him to come upstairs.

  “So, what the hell was this trip all about?” he asked, waiting for someone to enlighten him. Mom had gone into the bathroom so he decided to get nosy.

  “Nothing important.”

  “It’s got to be pretty important for her to make a two-hour drive.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Jason. Just drop it, okay?”

  They finally left, and I picked up the phone, intent on telling Nikki to go fuck herself, but stopped and reconsidered. My anger was in dire need of a victim, and I was sure I’d say something I’d regret if I managed to get the bitch on the phone. I threw myself on the couch instead, waiting until six o’clock so that I could go over to Jody’s and play twenty questions with him.

  JODY nudged his car into the garage and killed the engine. He’d had a surprise phone call from Clark, asking if he could come over, even though they’d agreed that tonight would be a time-out for them. They’d been inseparable since Thanksgiving, almost a week ago, and so they decided that tonight would be all about catching up on laundry and chores. That was before the phone call.

  Jody went straight to his bedroom, changed into shorts, and threw on the Golden Bears T-shirt Clark had given him. The room was a mess. He changed the sheets, carrying the dirty ones to the washing machine and dryer in the garage. He sniffed, taking in Clark, as well as his own body odor: a combination of lemon, sweat, and dried-up spunk. It should have revolted him, but it didn’t. He missed Clark already, and it had only been nine hours.

  In the kitchen, he pulled a Corona out of the fridge just as he heard the Volvo sputtering up the driveway.

  Clark walked in and took one look at Jody and had his arms around him in a second. He squeezed tight and pressed his face to Jody’s neck, inhaling and groaning at the same time. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Me too.”

  They stood there for several minutes, kissing and holding each other before breaking away. “You want a beer?”

  “Sure,” Clark replied.

  “So what’s going on?” Jody asked gently, handing him the bottle.

  “I had a little visit today from my mother and my brother Jason.”

  “Oh?”

  “My mom wanted to know if you’re gay.”

  “Really.”

  “Yup. I guess Nikki didn’t waste any time. She fucking googled you!”

  “Damn those search engines!” Jody snorted out a semblance of a laugh.

  “Who’s Rick?”

  “Rick?” Jody faced Clark, the surprise very evident on his face.

  “Yeah, Rick Roman. Who is he?”

  “Who wants to know?”

  “I do.”

  “Why?”

  “Nikki mentioned his name to my mother. She seemed to think he was important for some reason, and now I’m curious as well. What’s this about?”

  Jody sighed and took a long pull off his bottle of beer. He grabbed Clark’s hand and headed out the kitchen door, toward the deck. “Come on, gorgeous. Let me tell you a story.”

  They shared one of the recliners that pointed toward the city and were rewarded with the spectacular view of twinkling lights from across the bay. Clark settled Jody in between his legs, with his head resting high up on his chest.

  “Rick Roman was my former lover,” Jody said quietly. “He died of HIV-related illnesses four years ago.”

  “Shit!” Clark said, quietly. “Are you that famous that Google would be mentioning him?”

  “I’m not, but he was.”

  “Why?”

  “His parents own several vineyards in the Napa Valley. Their wine is pretty well known. You’ve probably seen the bottles. Roma Reserves?”

  “No, I’m not much of a wine drinker.”

  “Anyway, his family has mad money, and so everyone knows them. I met Rick when I just started my internship at San Francisco General. He was admitted for the first of many bouts of pneumonia.”

  “How could you go out with him when he was positive?” Clark pushed Jody away, suddenly looking alarmed, and said, “You’re not positive, are you?”

  “No, Clark, I’m not!”

  “Okay,” he said, pulling Jody back toward him and getting comfortable again. “He must have been very special if you could overlook his disease the way you did.”

  Jody was surprised that Clark would say such a thing. Most people had called him a fool. His respect for his young lover went up several notches. “I was young and naïve. Rick was an attractive, charismatic man. He was the life of the party with an entourage that lit up the city of San Francisco wherever they went. I fell for him almost immediately.”

  “But you knew he was positive? You had to have known, working in the hospital.”

  “Oh, I knew. I was just an optimist; convinced that I’d be able to keep him alive with my prayers and the small network of doctors who were doing research on the disease.”

  “Were you with him a long time?”

  “About three years. The last one was all about caring for him. He sort of faded away.”

  “I’m sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t have fallen for him.”

  “Come on, Clark,” Jody turned and looked at him. His eyes were shimmering. “You don’t pick and choose who you fall in love with. It just happens.”

  “I know.” God, do I ever know. “How come you guys were in the news?”

  “He was the son of millionaires. His life was news. The press loved him, and when we started dating, I became news as well.”

  “So, are there pictures of you two on the Internet?”

  “I’m sure there are. We were the ‘it’ couple for quite some time.”

  “And when he died?”

  “The press went crazy when they found out that Rick had left me his apartment on Nob Hill, and a bunch of other things that I ended up selling and then donating the proceeds to the AIDS Foundation. They kept asking to interview me, but I refused. I couldn’t talk about him for a long time.”

  “And you haven’t been with anyone since?”

  “Not until you.”

  “Boy, you sure know how to pick them, don’t you?”

  Jody’s laugh sounded more like a sob, it was so pitiful. “That’s what Lil keeps telling me.”

  Chapter 16

  WE WERE still out on the deck wrapped in a warm blanket. The sun had long gone, and the night air had turned chilly as we huddled together for warmth. Jody’s head was on my chest, his silky hair tickling me with every breath, and I blew at it and watched it float around him for a second and then settle back down again.

  He had seemed so vulnerable when he was telling me about his former lover, and I questioned the wisdom of our attraction. Being with me would only lead to more heartache for him if I didn’t step up to the plate and own up to this.

  “Jo.”

  “What?”

  “Do you ever worry about us?”

  “I’m trying to live in the moment, Clark.”

  “This thing between us isn’t letting up, is it?”

  “No.�
��

  I was so tempted to come right out and say it. Did gay men even say the words I love you? There was so much I didn’t know about his world. I felt like an explorer on the adventure of a lifetime, yet I was completely unprepared and afraid. All I had was the shirt on my back and a heart full of hope and love.

  “Do you ever regret being with Rick?” I nuzzled his neck and licked at his ear, enjoying the sensation of him squirming underneath me. It was empowering to know that I had this kind of effect on him. The chemistry between us continued to increase with each new level of intimacy.

  “I have few regrets in my life, and Rick Roman will never be one of them.”

  “So the short time you had was worth all the pain afterward?”

  “I wouldn’t trade a single one of those days for anything. He was a unique person, Clark. I learned so much from him about being gay. He taught me to be proud, to stand up to scrutiny with my head held high. Even when he was at the end of his life, his sense of self never wavered.”

  “I’m starting to get a little jealous of a dead man.”

  Jody turned and looked at me. His eyes were a pool of warm taffy, shimmering in the glow of the tiki lamps we’d lit earlier in the evening. He placed a hand on my face and outlined my lips with his thumb, never releasing me from his gaze. “Don’t be jealous,” he said in a voice that I could barely hear. “You’ve got something that Rick could never have.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You have a future with me.”

  I bent to kiss him, moaning when he opened his mouth to accept me so easily. I didn’t have to hear the words to know what he was saying, but I had to tell him how I felt. The words were fighting to come out.

  “Jo-Jo.”

  “Hmm?”

  “I really… care… for you.”

  “I care for you too.”

  “Don’t give up on me, okay?”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Clark.”

  “Thank you.” We held on to each other, and even though I was comforted by the closeness, the conversation unsettled me.

  “Jo?”

  “What?”

  “I’m hungry.”

  “You’re always hungry.” Jody laughed gently. “Shall we order some pizza?”

  “No, I think I want a bowl of Frosted Flakes.”

  “No!”

  “Why?”

  “What am I going to eat while I watch you stuff your face like Tony the Tiger?” He sat up and stared at me. “Actually, you do look like a big cat. Your eyes almost glow in the dark. How did you get such weird eyes?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “I keep expecting you to meow at me or drop a rat at my feet. Maybe I should just call you Kitty.”

  “Shut up!”

  He laughed at my outrage and said, “You’ve been calling me a dog’s name for weeks now. I think I have the right to call you whatever I want.”

  “But Kitty sounds so—”

  “Gay?” Jody said, his smile reaching from ear to ear.

  I nodded my head, trying to keep the smile off my face.

  “Okay, let’s make it manlier. How about Kit?”

  “Kit is good.”

  “Okay, it’s official. Jo-Jo and Kit. We’re going to need to register with the American Kennel Club.”

  “You’re nuts!”

  “Crazy about you,” he whispered.

  “Let’s go out.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked. He seemed to be taken aback by my request. I’d been reluctant to be seen in public with him, but tonight, for some reason I didn’t give a damn.

  “Yeah, what the fuck! Nikki’s already informed my mother about you! Why the hell does it matter now? Apparently, anyone can look you up on the Internet and get answers.”

  “Kit, listen to what you’re saying. Anyone can find out about me, but not about you.”

  “So?”

  “So, your mother’s right in a sense. If you’re seen with me enough times, people will wonder.”

  “Fuck ’em!”

  Jody looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Fuck ’em?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Are you planning on coming out if someone confronts you?”

  “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.”

  “Your bravura is admirable, my beautiful Kit, but it’s not realistic. If your father were to walk into this house right now, you’d deny me without a second thought.”

  “You don’t have a lot of faith in me, do you?”

  “I’m older and a lot more cynical.”

  “Why? You’ve had it easy with your coming out. Your parents accepted who you are without any problem. What’s turned you into such a cynic?”

  “I’m a trauma doctor, Clark. I’ve seen more cases of love turned to hate than you care to know about.”

  “That’s just fucked up.”

  “It is.” Jody stood and grabbed the blanket, pulling me along with it. “Come on; let’s go and pick up some greasy Chinese food.”

  “Yeah, the garlic noodles with the hot peppers.”

  “We’re going to stink,” Jody announced. He bent down and kissed me on the lips, taking his time with it, sweeping his tongue around my mouth possessively.

  “What was that for?” I asked, breaking away reluctantly. “Not that you need a reason.”

  “That was for being so gorgeous and for making me happy.”

  I RAN into Nikki the next day outside of Starbucks. She greeted me like a long-lost friend, completely ignoring what had happened the last time we were together. I had no intention of being as kind or as forgiving.

  “Thanks a lot!” I spat out.

  “What are you talking about, Clark?”

  “Your bullshit phone call to my mom. Why don’t you mind your own business?”

  “You are my business!”

  “I’ve never been your business; I thought we’d already established that.”

  “I just wanted your parents to be aware of certain facts.”

  “Whatever Jody Williams is, or isn’t, has nothing to do with my parents, or you for that matter.”

  “If your coach or the other guys were to find out you’re seeing a queer on a regular basis, they’d laugh you off the team.”

  “He’s a good teacher, and I expect to pass my class because of him. Why is his personal life so important to you?”

  “I don’t want his reputation to tarnish yours in any way.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Dr. Williams is quite famous. Why don’t you try to read all about him on Google? I got all kinds of info on him.”

  I stood there looking down at her and saw something I’d never seen before. She was acting like a betrayed wife, getting all possessive and hostile, something she’d never done in the past. It was creepy in a way. The easygoing friend who went along with my every decision seemed to have disappeared. Was she acting this way because she sensed a real threat for the first time? In the past, I’d never given a passing glance at any of the women who’d thrown themselves at me, so her position as my number one stalker was pretty secure. Jody’s appearance in my life had knocked her out of first place, and she could sense this. It was some female instinct thing, but she was dead-on in her assessment.

  “So he had a big-shot boyfriend who died. Who gives a shit?”

  “Oh, he told you?”

  “You were the one who started all this. We wouldn’t have talked about it if you hadn’t picked up the phone and called my mom. What were you trying to do? Get my dad all riled up so he’d put on his Klan outfit, and come and beat up the queer who’s bothering me?”

  “No!”

  “What then? Did you think anything good would come from that phone call?”

  Her tears flowed, and normally, I would have stopped and taken her in my arms. Her crying had always worked in the past, but I was too pissed to be affected. I was glad she was crying.

  “Nik, you need to stay out of my life. Mind your own b
usiness and keep your mouth shut!”

  “Don’t you care about my feelings at all?” she whined.

  I paused and took a deep breath, trying to get the anger under control. It was increasingly harder to maintain any kind of civility around her. She was starting to get under my skin like the worst splinter, but I realized that I had to play nice or this would all blow up in my face.

  “Nikki, I do care about your feelings. I’ve already told you that I care very much, but not in the way that you want.”

  She reached out, and I stepped back, away from her touch. “Let me say this again, so it’s clear and there’s no misunderstanding. I do not love you; this whole Barbie loves Ken idea of yours is never going to happen. Put your dreams away and move on, please.”

  “Are you in love with him?” she asked, her face twisting in disgust.

  “Don’t be ridiculous!”

  “You’re acting like you are! You’re gay, aren’t you? All this time I thought it was because you had commitment issues, when the reality is you don’t love me because I don’t have a cock!”

  “You’re out of line, Nikki! I’m so done with this conversation.”

  “Clark, please, I’m sorry!” She reached out again; I shrugged her off, turned, and left her standing on the sidewalk. I was pissed! I could have cheerfully wrung her neck for what she’d just said, but the truth of her words had slapped me across the face like a wet towel across my ass in the locker room. I was doing exactly what Jody said I would do. I was denying our relationship. How did I think that I’d be able to stand up to my father and the rest of society when I couldn’t even tell Nikki?

  AT SIX o’clock, Jody realized his shift was over, and he started getting ready to go home. The call from Clark announcing his passing grade in English satisfied Jody immensely. Clark sounded so proud and happy with his accomplishment; it made Jody smile into the phone just listening to him.

  “Can we go out to celebrate?” Clark asked, as if Jody needed an excuse. He was dying to go out in public and show the world that they were lovers. Clark was the one who was always so reluctant.

  “I’ll call Chez Panisse.”

  “You think we’ll get in on such short notice?”