Horizons

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “You okay?” I asked, sensing that something was wrong. What was Lil doing here on a weekday anyhow?

  “I’m fine, now that you’re here.”

  I looked at Lil, who observed us from the other side of the room. His facial expression was serious, but he seemed to be content with my behavior so far. There were no snide remarks coming out of his mouth.

  “Are you hungry?” Jody asked, pushing my hair away from my forehead. It had grown drastically since the end of football season, and I kind of liked having it this length for a change, except when it got in my eyes.

  “For you,” I whispered into his ear. “How long is he going to be here?”

  Jody looked at me sadly and said, “Kit, we need to talk.”

  He appeared devastated, and a terrible sense of foreboding flooded through me. I shivered while I waited to hear what had happened since we’d parted a few hours ago. It was a creepy feeling, like someone was walking on my grave.

  Jody held my hand and pulled me down on the sofa beside him. Lil sat on the chair opposite the coffee table, and he and I listened as Jody spoke. He told us about his car being vandalized just before our trip, and then the details of my mother’s phone call. When he finished, he looked at me to see how I’d react.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, knowing how lame it sounded.

  “Clark, it’s not your fault.”

  “Of course it is! It’s not your mother that’s gone off her rocker.”

  “Look, you guys,” Lil interjected. “This isn’t just about Clark’s mother.”

  “He’s right,” I seconded. “Wait until my father hears; then the shit will really hit the fan.”

  “Kit,” Jody said, looking at me with concern. “We can turn this around if you want to.”

  “No! I’m standing by you.”

  Lil raised an eyebrow and said, “My, my, I’m really impressed.”

  “Oh, fuck off, Lil.” I couldn’t deal with any of his crap today.

  “Sorry.”

  “Do you hate me?” I asked Jody, pulling him up against me.

  “Clark, if I loved you any more my heart would explode.”

  “You guys are like fucking Romeo and Juliet,” Lil said, rolling his eyes dramatically.

  “Shut up, Lil,” we both fired back like we’d rehearsed it.

  Lil stood and paced. “I think you should call the police and report this. It’s a threat against your physical person and should go on record.”

  “I think not,” Jody said emphatically.

  “Don’t ever say that I didn’t warn you.”

  “Lil, I asked you here for support. If I wanted legal advice, I would have called a lawyer.”

  “Sweetie, I love you to death. You’re my BFF, and I want nothing but the best for you, and you too,” Lil threw out that last bit, looking in my direction. “But the long and the short of it is that this is not just a lifestyle change. We’re talking about an NFL career and millions of dollars. Am I not correct, Clark?”

  “Yes.”

  “If the scouts find out he’s gay, it’s all over but the shouting. His mother knows this, and his father will go insane when he finds out about you two. There is nothing in the world that will make this get better.”

  “What if I stay in the closet?”

  “You’re certainly welcome to do that. There are hundreds of athletes that do, but unfortunately, your mother is now involved. And so is your ex-girlfriend, from what I understand.”

  “I can tell them it’s all a lie. I can make this go away.”

  “Will you sleep with her again to make it all better?” Jody asked, defeated.

  “Jo.”

  “Don’t, Clark. I need time to process this.” He stood and walked away from me, going over to the picture window and leaning against it.

  I looked at Lil and silently begged him to leave us alone. He nodded his head and stood up. “Call me later,” he whispered in my ear, squeezing my hand. “I know you love him. You’ll do the right thing.”

  “I hope so,” I said, not really sure that I could.

  I went up to Jody as soon as I heard the door slam and the car starting. I reached for him and pulled his back up against my chest; I leaned down and nuzzled his neck. “I love you.” He needed this reassurance as much as I needed to declare it. Despite everything, that hadn’t changed.

  He sighed and turned around, wrapping his arms around my neck. “I love you too, Kit.”

  “I know, Jo. I’m not sure what to do next, but I know one thing for sure. And this I promise you.”

  “What?”

  “I’ll never sleep with Nikki again.”

  “Thank you,” he said in a whisper. “That would have killed me.”

  “Come to bed,” I begged.

  He nodded and followed as I pulled him by the hand. We took our clothes off and climbed under the covers. I pulled him close, and we got into our favorite position, spooning against each other comfortably. There was so much to say, but we ended up saying nothing. All we could do was find comfort in our embrace and hope that it would be enough for now.

  Chapter 20

  I WAS on my way to Folsom, determined to set things right. Jody wanted to come, begged me even, but I refused.

  My mother’s irrational behavior was beyond anything I’d dealt with in the past. I couldn’t understand where she was coming from. How could I expect Jody to deal with her when I was at loss myself. The mom I knew had no resemblance to the hateful person on the phone.

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw just one car in the garage. Dad hadn’t come home from work yet, which was for the best. I wasn’t quite ready to face him.

  I walked into the house via the kitchen and saw her sitting at the table.

  “Clark! What are you doing here?”

  I pulled out a chair and sat down. I stared at her for the longest time, trying to see some physical sign of change. She looked the same, a little older perhaps, a little more tired, but I was looking at the same sweet face I’d known all my life. Her blond hair was pulled back in a ponytail, as was her custom. The blue eyes behind the glasses were still sharp and focused. She was chewing on her lip in that nervous habit she’d always had, and her hands were fidgeting with the napkin in front of her, folding and unfolding it repeatedly.

  “I’ve come to see for myself.”

  “What?”

  “How it’s possible that you could make threats and vandalize a car. Jesus Christ, Mom! Have you lost your fucking mind?”

  “I haven’t, but apparently you have!” she rebounded, without hesitation. “Since when have you preferred men over women?”

  “Look.” I stumbled; shocked that she’d throw that out so easily. I expected a gradual buildup to this conversation, a lead-in of some sort. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, but the opportunity has never been right.”

  “What the hell are you thinking, Clark? Have you always been gay?” The look of disgust in her eyes was plain. I may as well have been covered in slime.

  “I’ve never acted on it.”

  “You know it’s wrong, or you would have said something years ago! It’s abnormal, against God and nature!” Her voice was rising steadily, as was her blood pressure, judging from her flushed face.

  “I’ve fought this for years, Mother. I can’t help who I am.”

  “Oh yes, you can!” she screamed, standing up and leaning forward. “Stop seeing this man, cut all ties with him. Go back to the life you’ve been leading. Get engaged to Nikki. Marry her!”

  “No.”

  She sat down abruptly and burst into tears. That one word knocked her down, and she put her head in her hands and wept as if I had just told her I had cancer.

  I reached across the table and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it back. “I love him, Mom.”

  “Oh my God,” she wailed even louder. “He’ll kill us.”

  “Jody is the kindest, gentlest man I know.”

  “Not him, you fool. Your father!”


  “I’m sure he’ll be upset, but hopefully, we’ll get past this.”

  “Clark, you’re so caught up in this thing you’re not thinking straight. Do you honestly believe that your father, or your brothers for that matter, will sit by and let this happen? If you do, then you’ve lost what little sense you have.”

  “They’ll have to. I’m not leaving him.”

  “You’re being completely selfish! You have no idea how much we’ve sacrificed to get you to Cal.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m on a scholarship.”

  “You’re on a partial scholarship, Clark. We’re paying for everything else; the apartment, your books, your daily expenses. Do you think that money is just falling from the sky? We’re in debt to the tune of one hundred thousand dollars, which I would have never mentioned if you hadn’t done this radical detour.”

  “I’ll pay you back.”

  “The satisfaction of seeing you in the NFL would have been payback enough! It’s never going to happen if you don’t drop this whole gay notion of yours!”

  “It’s not a notion, Mom. It’s who I am.”

  “No! The Clark I know is a man’s man. Women have thrown themselves at you for years, and you’ve responded. Don’t give me this bullshit about who you are. I know who you are! You’re a confused kid with a mental disability. I’m your mother, for God’s sake. Don’t you think I want the best for you?”

  I stood. I’d heard enough. “What you want is the best for you and Dad. You couldn’t care less about me. If you had really cared, you would have let me go on Ritalin to spare me all the anxiety I’ve had to deal with in school.”

  “Oh, so now that’s my fault too? I’ve been hearing that for years. Your father told me long ago that I should have stopped at four. That the runt is always defective somehow.”

  “Hey, don’t sugarcoat anything, Mom! Let’s just make sure that your freak child hears it all today.”

  I don’t remember when the tears started. I just know that I was backhanding them as I walked out the door and started the engine of my car. I think I cried most of the way home. It felt like someone had just stuck their hands down my throat and pulled out all my innards. This torment exceeded any injury I’d ever sustained on the field.

  I knew that coming out was going to be the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my life. I knew it would be an uphill battle with my team. What I never expected was this kind of intolerance from my own mother. She’d always been my biggest support at home. She was the only one who took the time to sit down and help me with my homework, fending off my brothers, running interference between my dad and my teachers. She’d always had a kind word or a hug, which is what made this all the more painful.

  I grabbed my phone when I got closer to home and speed-dialed Jody. He picked up on the second ring.

  “Hey, you,” he said gently. “How’d it go?”

  “Not good,” I answered, trying to keep the pain out of my voice, which was useless. He could read me like a book.

  “Where are you?”

  “Approaching the maze. I should be in Berkeley in about ten minutes.”

  Jody fired back, “Meet me at the house.”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “I can get away. Meet me, please?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’M LEAVING for the day. Page me if something urgent comes up.”

  Jody hung up on the night supervisor and grabbed his jacket. He glanced at his watch; it was almost seven in the evening. Close to the end of his shift, this was just as well. Clark sounded awful on the phone.

  By the time he got home, Clark was already there. Jody walked in through the kitchen and saw a case of Corona on the table. There were two bottles missing.

  “Kit!”

  “Out here.”

  He made his way to the deck and saw his lover sitting in the hot tub, a bottle of Corona in one hand and a joint in the other.

  “I guess this is a lot better than putting your fist through your locker.”

  “And a lot more fun,” Clark replied, grinning at him. “Get in.”

  “Give me a minute.”

  Jody started taking off his clothes. His gaze never left Clark, who was well on his way to a night of excess. He could see the pain in the beautiful eyes, even though the words never crossed his lips. Something terrible had happened with his mother but he didn’t seem eager to share the news.

  “Are you planning on telling me what happened?”

  “Not right now. Let’s just get fucked up. Then you can show me more ways to make you crazy in bed.”

  Jody reached over, took the joint from Clark’s hand and inhaled deeply, holding it in his lungs. He exhaled and leaned back on the headrest, settling in for a long night.

  Several beers later, they had moved into the bedroom. Clark had groped Jody in the water, and Jody was more than ready to respond; however, he insisted on doing it in bed and not the hot tub.

  “Do guys sixty-nine?”

  “Of course,” Jody replied, enjoying the weight of Clark’s body on him.

  Clark rolled them over. “I want to be on the bottom,” he said.

  “Do you?” Jody smiled. He couldn’t get over Clark’s enthusiastic approach to this new world of gay sex. His lover had lost most of his inhibitions, and it pleased Jody to know how much pleasure Clark was receiving from this aspect of their relationship. He turned and straddled Clark’s chest, admiring the impressive cock angling for his attention. He clutched the base with both hands and began sucking on the spongy head, lapping at the drops of precum before spearing Clark’s slit with the tip of his tongue. They groaned simultaneously. Jody froze when he felt Clark tonguing his asshole. Surprise shifted to amazement that his novice lover was venturing so far into uncharted territory. Jody was incredibly aroused, made even more so by the sounds of pure pleasure coming out of Clark’s throat.

  He resumed his task, deep throating Clark as far as was physically possible. Everything about him was super-sized, including his penis, but Jody wasn’t deterred, and with a combination of practice and technique, giving Clark a blow job had turned into a mind-blowing experience for both of them.

  “You’re next,” Clark moaned, spreading Jody’s ass cheeks apart and sliding his tongue past the tight ring. Jody began quivering as Clark darted in and around the soft crevices.

  “God, Kit… don’t stop.”

  “You like this, Jo-Jo? And this?” Clark’s breathing escalated, as he bathed Jody’s perineum with slow deliberate strokes.

  Jody was starting to buck, losing all concentration.

  “Let me fuck you,” Clark said, pulling away and getting on his knees. He had Jody in front of him, on all fours. “Jo, please, can we do it like this? You know, bare, without condoms? I’m clean. I get tested every six months. Please, Jo?”

  By now, Jody’s brain had ceased to function. He was reeling from the pleasure of having Clark’s tongue up his asshole. He rested his head on his hands and prayed that Clark would fuck him, condom or not. “Yes,” he decided, “but lube up.”

  He waited impatiently while Clark fumbled with the tube of slick. Within seconds, Jody began to beg. “Just do it, Kit! Hurry!” He opened up and Clark pushed, a little tentative at first but growing more confident with each stroke. Clark began rocking faster and faster while Jody braced against the headboard. He was seconds away from blowing but wanted to fuck a tight fist while he was doing it. “Touch me,” Jody ordered, reaching around for Clark’s hand.

  Clark groped for Jody’s cock and began jacking him, synchronizing his thrusts with each pump of his fist, and Jody finally lost it, spewing ropes of cum all over the sheets. Clark bit Jody’s shoulder the moment he felt him convulsing, and he slammed balls deep and released in a warm pulsing stream. Somewhere in the back of Jody’s sated brain he acknowledged that making love without the protection of the condom was another huge step forward in their relationship.

  Clark collapsed on Jody�
��s back. “That was fucking awesome.”

  “Earth-shattering,” Jody seconded. They shuffled around, repositioning themselves until they lay spooned in the wet, sticky mess.

  “I love you, Kit,” Jody whispered, feeling Clark’s breath against his neck.

  “Love you, Jo.”

  I WOKE up with a massive headache. It felt like the entire Cal band was marching up and down in my brain. I groaned and reached over to grab Jody, but there was no one there. I opened my eyes gingerly, expecting the sunlight to stab at them and make me cringe. Fortunately, the blinds were still drawn, but Jody was gone.

  “Jo?”

  No response. I sat up in bed, a little disoriented. I had no idea how many beers we’d consumed or how we ended up in bed. The last thing I remember was fucking Jody ’til we screamed. That stood out very clearly in my brain.

  I looked around and saw a note propped up on the pillow beside me. I grabbed it as I made my way out of bed and into the bathroom to take a leak. I started to read while I was pissing, and I stopped, stepping back in shock and almost missing the toilet.

  “No!”

  I ran into the room and searched frantically for my phone, all the while picking up clothes and struggling to get them on while holding the phone up against my ear. Finally he picked up.

  “Don’t be angry,” he said quietly.

  “Jo, please, don’t do this.”

  “I’ve got to go there to try and talk to her, Kit. She needs to know how much I love you. How much we love each other.”

  “Jody, please. Turn the car around; come back here.”

  “Too late, babe. I’m halfway there.”

  “Fuck!”

  I disconnected, grabbed my shoes, and raced out of the house.

  Chapter 21

  JODY pulled up to the house that he’d seen only once. It was a quiet Saturday morning on a relatively mild January day. He was apprehensive, but he kept telling himself that this was the twenty-first century and people were more tolerant. He’d just have to convince Clark’s parents that he only had their son’s best interests at heart. If he could show them how much they loved each other, he was sure that they would understand and the threats would stop.