Off Your Rocker?

by K E Osborn

  “Colt’s doing drugs? You said that the band wasn’t like that? Have you been doing them too?” he asks sounding concerned as he sits me on the lounge and they sit down one either side of me.

  “I’m not a complete idiot. No way would I ever touch that stuff, and Colt said he wouldn’t either. Then when I got back from the hospital yesterday, he was all over her. Of all the women that hang around them, why did it have to be her?”

  “Lia, I’m so sorry, but maybe it’s best that you found out now before you got too invested? Look Lia, I know you better than anyone. I don’t know what’s happening to you right now, but the one thing I do know is that you’re hurting. He did that to you. He made you hurt and the best way to make him suffer for that, is to forget and close yourself off to him,” Joseph says and his friend nods in agreement. I clear my throat and nod and then it finally clicks in my head that I’m sitting between two naked gay men. One being my ex-boyfriend who I just caught bonking each other on my old lounge.

  “Wait a second. What’s with all…” I wave my hands around at the two of them, “...this?” I say looking between Joseph and his American friend.

  “Danny, can you give us a sec, please?” Joseph asks.

  “Sure, I’ll be in our room,” Danny replies.

  Our room?

  My head shoots back to look at Joseph who’s now looking a bit red in the face, like he’s blushing.

  “Lia,” he says quietly.

  “Joseph?” I say sternly, so he knows that I don’t want some bullshit, ‘cock-and-bull-story’. I want the truth.

  He exhales and leans back into the lounge looking up at the ceiling.

  “Okay, I’ll tell you everything, but please promise you won’t get upset?”

  “Okay?” I reply as I watch his facial expressions.

  “Right, well here goes. I’m gay,” he says making me chuckle.

  “Well, ‘no shit, Sherlock’. After what I just saw—”

  “Lia c’mon, I’m trying to be serious here.”

  I nod. “Sorry.”

  “Now comes the hard part. I’ve known I was gay for years.” He looks at me and takes my hands in his as I come to the realisation that he knew he was gay while we were together. I swallow a lump in my throat.

  “I met Danny at work. He was a new intern and I’d always found men attractive and shrugged it off. But when Danny kissed me the first time, I instantly knew I was one hundred percent gay. I was so scared at what everyone would think. Especially you. To find out your boyfriend was gay? I tried to fight it for as long as I could. I tried hard to be with you. You’re such a wonderful woman and I thought because I knew that I loved you, that you could help me turn it off. That you could make me straight. But I couldn’t have sex with you because all I could think about was Danny. The affair started a year after we started seeing each other. I’m so sorry, Lia. I never meant to hurt you and I was angry at myself for lying to you. Danny was threatening to leave if I didn’t tell you the truth, so I chose him and kicked you out. I was angry at myself and at Danny for making me choose. I loved you, but I was in love with him, and I think we know now that the love we had was only ever friendship, but I didn’t know that at the time. That’s why I was so short and blunt when I kicked you out. You were so upset and I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how you’d react. I’m very sorry.” Joseph has tears in his eyes and he’s now looking at me as though I should be saying something.

  “I’m digesting,” I say and he half-smiles and nods waiting for a response. So I just find out that my ex was cheating on me with a man for three of the four years we were together and that he was using me to try and turn himself straight? “Why do you still meet with Daddy?”

  He looks at me with his head tilted and his eyebrow raised. “Okay, not what I was expecting but anyway, I still talk to Rutherford because he helps me with work and because I actually like the old guy. He’s a good friend and I know how much he and Liz care about you. I care about you too. I only ever wanted to see you happy, and I was trying to make us both happy, but I couldn’t.”

  “Hey! I should be angry at you. I should hate you for cheating on me. I should hate you for using me as some sort of gay repellent, and I should definitely hate you for lying to me for three years and making me think I wasn’t sexy enough to get you hard.” He winces. “But I don’t hate you Joseph. If anything I feel sorry for you, thinking you needed to hide this from me. I would’ve understood. I would’ve been supportive, but you didn’t trust me enough to tell me and that’s what hurts the most.”

  He rubs the back of his neck and exhales. “I know, I really am sorry, Lia. Forgive me? Please?” he pleads taking my hand and kissing the back of it. I smirk and pull my hand away from him and he raises an eyebrow.

  “I don’t know where that hand’s been, Joseph McCleary,” I say with sarcasm.

  He rolls his eyes and smirks. “I’m gay, Lia, not gutter trash.”

  “I know,” I reply leaning in and hugging him. “Hey, sorry. I, ah… interrupted. Sounded like you were having a great time.” I smirk and he slaps me on the arm.

  “Lia Norman you pervert, and yes, I was, thank you. A very good time, before you rudely interrupted,” he says raising his eyebrows up and down insinuatingly.

  “Okay, wow. That’s enough, a girl can only handle so much information until she overloads. If it’s not too rude to ask, can I crash in the guest room? If you and Danny want your privacy though I completely understand and I’ll find somewhere else—”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, this is half your condo anyway. You belong here just as much as I do. So is it officially off between you and the rock God?” he asks making my smile fade into a frown. I nod and exhale. “Well, you can move back in here, no questions asked. C’mon I know a pup who’d be really excited to see you.”

  “Ooh, where is she?” I ask jumping up from the lounge. He laughs and stands up in all his naked glory and leads me upstairs to our old room. It feels weird. So much has happened since I last walked into this room. Danny’s in our bed and that just seems strange to me as well, but I look over in the corner to Princess Sophia’s bed and there she is sound asleep. My eyes well up, I didn’t realise how much I missed her.

  “Can I?” I whisper to Danny and Joseph and they both smile and nod. I walk over and gently pat her. Her eyes slowly open and suddenly she is up and bouncing around all over the place. I laugh as do the guys while I sit on the floor and she jumps into my lap and kisses my chin.

  “Oh, baby girl, I missed you so much. Mummy should never have left you. You precious thing,” I say in that stupid bloody voice you make when talking to animals. She’s so excited and for the first time in the past forty-eight hours I smile and mean it.

  Princess follows me to the guest room after I spent a little bit of time introducing myself to Danny properly and apologising for ‘interrupting’ them. He seems lovely and I can tell by the way he looks at Joseph that he’s madly in love with him. That in itself makes me happy. He deserves to be happy, and I guess I do too. But for the moment I’m going to wallow for just a little bit longer.

  I take off everything except my underwear. I left my luggage downstairs and can’t be bothered going to get it. I’ve been awake for over twenty-four hours and I’m beyond emotionally and physically exhausted. I get into the guest bed, which I guess is now mine and roll over taking my mobile phone from the side table. I look to see thirty-eight missed calls. I put the phone on silent when I got out of the airport. I guess he’s woken up.

  I wonder what he’s doing now?

  If he’s thinking of me or if he’s fucking her. My anger boils and I put my phone back on the bedside table. I roll over and huff as Princess jumps on the bed and snuggles into my chest. It’s just what I need. I can hear my phone vibrating like someone is calling, but I close my eyes and hold on to the one thing in this world that’s never lied, cheated, or hurt me in any way. My precious Yorkie-poo Princess Sophia. Be
fore I even have a chance to wipe away a stray tear falling down my cheek I drift into unconsciousness.

  I slowly wake to a commotion going on downstairs. I’m beyond exhausted, so I don’t bother to listen. I hear footsteps and yelling coming up the stairs. I open my tired eyes and look at my bedroom door to see it fling open and Colt is standing there with Joseph yelling at him to get the hell out of our house. I sit bolt upright as Colt’s eyes lock on to mine. My breathing hitches and he walks in my room shutting the door in Joseph’s face.

  “How did you find me?” I ask breathlessly as he rushes across to my bed. He sits down next to me and caresses my cheek with his hand resting his forehead against mine. My breathing is rushed and his chest is heaving, like he’s been running.

  “I will always find you, Lia. Until the end of time, remember?” he reminds me. His lips touch mine as he lowers me back down on the bed. My hands scrunch in his hair as that all too familiar spark ignites my core whenever he touches me. He pulls away, our breathing rushed and hard and he looks me directly into my eyes. His eyes look so full of remorse and I think I see a bit of fear in them as well. I hear a knocking on my door, but I don’t break the eye contact with Colt.

  Knock. Knock.

  “Lia?” I hear Joseph call out, but I ignore him.

  “Lia, baby, I’ve needed to tell you this for a really long time,” Colt says and then swallows a lump in his throat.

  “Okay?” I whisper, breathlessly.

  Knock. Knock.

  My heart is pounding, I know what he is going to say and I know how hard it is for him to say it, but I can’t wait to hear the words from him.

  “Lia, baby I love—”

  “Sweetie, are you okay?” I hear Joseph say just as the image of Colt fades and my eyes open to see Joseph sitting on my bed caressing my cheek. My heart splinters and the shards stab into the wall of my chest causing all breath to vanish. Even in my dreams I don’t get to hear him say those three words, I need to hear.

  “Hey, it’s okay, Lia. It was just a dream,” Joseph says as I wake fully. I quickly close my eyes tight to try and get the image of Colt back in my mind, but it’s all for naught. He’s gone. I feel like I have lost him all over again.

  “Lia, you’ve been in bed for hours. It’s almost dinner time. Do you want to come down and have something to eat with Danny and me?” he asks quietly. I can’t fight back the tears. I shake my head. Food is the last thing I want or need.

  “You should eat something,” he says wiping a tear from my cheek. I feel heavy, like I’m made of stone. Every time I move everything aches or hurts. I shake my head and close my eyes and roll over away from him.

  He exhales and rubs my arm. “Okay, well we’re here. Danny and I have both called in to work and taken some leave. We’ll be here if you need us for the next two weeks, and of course after that. We’re here for as long as you need us. I love you, Lia, and it kills me to see you like this.” He pulls my blanket up and kisses my head. He exhales, stands and walks out of my room.

  I’m left alone, again.

  With my thoughts of him.

  I feel like I should be crying harder than I am. I feel like I should hate him, when all I seem to be doing is imagining him lying in bed right here next to me. Imagining his scent. The taste of his lips. The sound of his voice as he hums me to sleep.

  God, I miss him.

  My mobile phone vibrates on the side table. I exhale and turn over to check it, and again it’s Colt calling. I let it ring out.

  I miss him.

  I love him.

  I want to hear his voice so bad, but I can’t forgive him and that’s what stops me from answering his calls. I watch the touch screen as his picture and name disappear and the vibrating stops. Twenty-four missed calls show up on my screen and I swallow hard placing the phone back on the table. I turn back over and I hear the phone vibrate again, but I close my eyes tight and concentrate on my breathing. I could just turn the phone off, but for some reason knowing that he’s calling makes me feel something. I don’t know what it is, I can’t describe it, but I can’t feel anything else at the moment except for my body aching and my head hurting. My soul has left me and I’m just a shell. A vast pit of endless black where love and happiness once used to reside, now only emptiness lives, and his phone calls are a tiny speck of light in the darkness.

  I feel a dip on my bed and I look to see Princess walking up to see me. She must know when I need her. She snuggles into me and I hold on to her for comfort. I don’t know how long passes with me staring at the mosquito on the wall. I’m not thinking or feeling, just staring at this tiny insect. I hear the door creak and I turn over to see Joseph walking in with a tray of food. I exhale and roll back over to watch my entertaining mosquito.

  I hear Joseph sigh and place the tray down on what I’m assuming is the desk.

  “Lia I know you don’t feel like eating, but I just brought some toast and tea. It’s just the way you like it. I’ll leave it here and you can have it when you’re ready. We’ll be downstairs if you need us,” he says and then I hear him leave. He doesn’t shut the door but closes it slightly stopping the light from entering. The smell from the toast is churning my stomach, so I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes hoping to get a vision of him.

  I remain in my bed for, I don’t even know how long. Joseph keeps bringing me trays of food that I don’t eat. I drink a bit of orange juice every now and then, but I can only just stomach that, without gagging. I feel weaker than I ever have. Even than that time I had that dreaded Epstein-Barr virus for two months. I hear the door creep open again and I don’t even bother to roll over this time. I don’t have the energy. I hear the tray being placed on the desk and then I feel the bed dip behind me. I close my eyes and imagine that it’s Colt. His hand runs along my arm and I hear him exhale, but it’s not the way Colt exhales. The image of Colt is forced from my mind again as Joseph lays down behind me and wraps his arm around my waist.

  “Lia, we need to talk,” he says as I lean into him, even though he isn’t Colt it’s nice to have someone touching me. “Okay, if you don’t want to talk, then maybe you can listen,” he says, sounding stern. I close my eyes and wait for the lecture I knew would come sooner or later. “I love you, but you stink,” he says shocking me. That’s definitely not what I was expecting. I open my eyes and turn to face him. He looks worried and sleep deprived. He caresses my cheek and smiles at me.

  “I don’t stink,” I say, my first words in I don’t even know how long. He screws his nose up and smirks at me.

  “Sorry to tell you this, but you really do, and that breath of yours could do with some mouthwash and about ten years of brushing,” he says.

  “Shut up,” I reply and he covers his nose with his hand. I roll my eyes and he pulls me into his chest in an embrace.

  “You really need to eat something too, and seeing as I have you talking again I’d like to make it two for two and get you something to eat, or even better I’d like for you to get out of this bed for something other than the bathroom and come down and meet Danny properly. I know he’s worried about you and would like to get to know his new housemate. You know, the stinky girl who doesn’t eat, talk, shower or come out of her room for five days,” he says with a chuckle. It’s only now that I realise how long I’ve been hauled up in this room feeling like I’m wasting away into nothing.

  “Lia, you’ve had your grieving time. Now it’s time for you to start to function again, to start to slowly build yourself back up, with my help, I promise,” he says leaning in to kiss my forehead.

  “When you’re ready, Danny and I are making Indian for dinner. Butter Chicken, Chicken Tikka, Lamb Rogan Josh, Saffron Rice, Raita, delicious cheesy Garlic Naan, any of this tempting you?” he asks knowing they are all my favourite Indian dishes. For the first time since this blackness engulfed me, the thought of food doesn’t actually disgust me.

  “I don’t know,” I say cuddling into his chest.

  He e
xhales. “Okay well, I’ll be downstairs dishing up. It’s practically ready, so if you feel like gracing us with your filthy presence then we’ll be glad to have you,” he says kissing my forehead and unwrapping his arms from around me. He stands up leaving me cold where his warmth was seconds before. I mourn the loss as he turns and walks out of my room.

  Princess Sophia jumps up and licks my face and I notice that Joseph has left my bedroom door wide open, he normally shuts it, so it’s open just enough for Princess to come and go. Then I catch a waft of something. I sniff again trying to distinguish the smell. It’s only faint, but it smells so good. I sit up in bed and inhale smelling the Indian aroma wafting up from downstairs and my stomach groans so loudly I can feel the vibration run through me. I really want to stay in bed, but my stomach’s finally wanting something more substantial than orange juice. So, I slide out of bed and notice that Joseph must’ve brought up my luggage at some stage. I walk over, still only wearing my underwear and find a shirt that’s long enough to cover my arse. I can’t be bothered getting into anything else, plus it’s only Joseph and he’s seen me completely naked so it doesn’t bother me to show off my legs around here, and as for Danny well he’s gay so he won’t be checking me out or even caring for that matter. I take out my toiletries bag and I wander over to the en-suite and look at myself in the mirror. I’m shocked at what looks back at me. A pale brunette who looks nothing like the Delia Norman I know. She’s thin, too thin and the bags under her eyes are so black they look like bruises. The cut on her forehead is a yellowish grey and her lips are cracked and peeling. Her hair’s a mess and her eyes are lifeless. She’s definitely not Delia Norman. This must be some other girl who’s taken over my body and forced all life and joy and happiness out the window. I take a dislike to her instantly. I scowl at the girl in the mirror and look down unzipping the toiletries bag to find my toothbrush. I brush my teeth and make a conscious effort not to look at the other girl in the mirror again.