Off Your Rocker?

by K E Osborn

  “He was in love with me, but I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. His lifestyle was changing. He was changing and I didn’t like who he’d become,” Bradbrooke says tearfully to Ant and Dec in their interview with the former Slayette from the world’s most popular rock group – Slayed.

  “I loved him, I did, but with all the reports that he was seeing another woman, I couldn’t take it. When we found out I was pregnant, he told me that he loved me and he’d stop seeing her. But he never did. That’s why I had to leave him, because he never keeps his word. When I lost the baby he tried to win me back, but I couldn’t be around him anymore. It was too painful. So I did the only thing I could. I sat and I wrote a beautiful song called ‘Candy Shop’, it sounds upbeat and all about sex and drugs, but the message is hidden in the words and I dedicate that song to my lost baby. ‘Candy shop’ is now available on iTunes and I’d love it if you’d play it in remembrance.”

  I scoff, “What a load of bullshit,” I say to out loud. It’s obviously just a ploy to sell her song, which he helped her record.

  What a back stabbing, skanky arsed harlot!

  “Slut,” I mumble under my breath as I click out of the story. I don’t know how long I spend reading through stories and reports on Slayed and him in particular. About how their tour ends in a month, and how his performance is slipping. Suspected drug use is causing his lapses on stage. He’s forgetting words and staring aimlessly out into the crowd. I bite my bottom lip as I look at pictures of him at interviews. He always has sunglasses on. He never used to do interviews hidden behind sunglasses. It just makes me think he’s still using and hiding behind his shades. The thought makes my stomach flip.

  The home phone rings distracting me from my thoughts of him. I jump up and race to the phone.

  “Hello?” I say, expecting Joseph or Danny.

  “Hi, this is Melanie Simms from the Daily News. Am I speaking with Delia Norman?” My eyes open wide and my heart jumps into my throat.

  “Um no, how did you get this number?”

  “Miss Norman is it true—”

  I hang up the phone before she has time to tell me whatever bullshit she wants to tell me. I lean up against the wall and the phone rings again making me jump. I take the receiver off the wall, press the button to hang up and then let it hang to the ground.

  I walk over to my mobile and dial Joseph.

  “Hey sweetie, how you going? Sorry, I haven’t rung yet today, we’ve been swamped here—”

  I tune out to what he’s saying and interrupt him. “Joseph the pap’s have our home number, Melanie Simms just called,” I say, sounding more panicked than I feel.

  “Okay. What did you say to her?”

  I shake my head. “How stupid do you think I am? I didn’t say anything.”

  “Okay, calm down, Lia. Just take the phone off the hook and we’ll talk via our mobile phones from now on. It’s not a big deal. Who uses their home phone these days anyway?” he questions trying to make me feel less guilty than I do because now he can’t even use his own bloody phone.

  “I’m sorry, this is so frustrating,” I say sitting on the lounge and running my hand through my hair.

  “I know, but it’s okay. You, me and Danny, we got this. We make a great threesome and tonight we’re having beer and pizza. In fact, once I’ve finished what I’m doing I’m gonna slip out early and spend some time with my favorite girl. How’s that sound?”

  I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. “Joseph, I don’t want you to miss out on any more work because of me.”

  “Hey, you are way more important to me than work, plus between you and me this place is really starting to piss me off anyway, so coming home early is really doing me a favour,” he says with a slight chuckle.

  “Okay, beer and pizza sounds good, but we’re not watching Thor again. I never thought I’d say this, but there is such a thing as too much Chris Hemsworth.”

  I hear a gasp at the other end of the phone, which is the exact reaction I was going for.

  “Blasphemy, Delia Norman! Go and wash your mouth out and say ten Hail Mary’s before you are damned to Hades for what you just said young lady,” he exclaims making me actually laugh.

  “I love you.”

  “I know, I love you too, be home with beer in say… half an hour?”

  “Sounds perfect,” I reply and hang up the phone.

  I sigh and look at the laptop on the coffee table showing me pictures of my rock God. I slowly close the laptop and push it to the other side of the table as if moving it away from me is actually going to help me stop thinking about him. I lay down on the lounge and switch on the television and watch reruns of Home and Away, the Australian soap opera. Nothing like a bit of the Summer Bay bad boys to take your mind off how crap your life really is.

  The front door opens and I sit up on the lounge as I watch Joseph walk in and put a case of beer on the kitchen bench top.

  “Are we drinking for all of Great Britain?” I ask and he laughs.

  “Thought it was time for a good old drinking session. You, me, Danny boy and Princess Sophia are going to get hammered!” He pulls two beers from the container and walks over to me.

  “We are not getting Princess hammered thank you very much,” I say as he hands me a cold beer.

  “Nah, but she can join in the festivities.”

  “Festivities?”

  He nods his head. “You’ll just have to wait and see. Danny’s bringing them along with the pizza when he finishes tonight.”

  “Right.”

  “Stress less, princess, it’s going to be great fun. I promise. Are you watching bloody Home and Away reruns again?” he asks turning toward the television.

  “So?”

  “You know that’s where Chris Hemsworth started his career don’t you?”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ,” I say rolling my eyes at him as he laughs.

  Danny comes in carrying boxes up to his chin. I look at him and get up from the lounge to help.

  “I’m sure there’s a Danny under there somewhere,” I say as I start to take the boxes from him.

  He chuckles and we place all the boxes on the kitchen bench. He looks over at the phone dangling by its cord and then looks back at me. I bite my bottom lip and he smiles and winks letting me know that he supports me in this too. I exhale and he moves in and gives me a huge hug.

  “Hey, I want in on some of this action,” Joseph says jumping over the lounge and running to us slamming his body into our sides making it one big group hug. I feel safe, and protected. These two guys would do anything to see me happy. I’m truly grateful for that.

  “I need a bevy, like now,” Danny exclaims as Joseph finally lets us both go and walks over to the fridge pulling out a beer for his boyfriend. I look at the counter top at the boxes and notice Twister, then Cludo and Jenga.

  “Board games?” I ask as Danny picks up the giant pizza box.

  “Drunken board games, baby. It’s going to be epic!”

  About nine beers later and a persistent buzz in my head, I realise I have a slightly upset tummy which brings an end to my hilarious night. Drunken Twister is epic. These two guys really know how to make someone forget their problems. I never once felt like I was happy, but I laughed and played along, but in the back of my mind for the entire night I was thinking about my phone call tonight with him.

  Would he call like he said he would?

  He hasn’t called all day where normally he’d call endlessly, but is that only because I didn’t answer and now that I have and we arranged a phone call, maybe he’s just waiting till then?

  “Okay, guys I’m done. It’s bedtime for this little princess,” I say checking my watch and seeing that he should call in about ten minutes.

  “Oh c’mon Lee Lee, don’t be a party pooper,” Danny says. I raise my eyebrow and smirk.

  “Lee Lee?” I ask and he shrugs.

  “Thought I’d try it out, but I think we will stick with princess, sweetie or just
plain Lia from now on.”

  “Goodnight princess,” they both say and I smile hugging each of them in turn.

  “Thanks guys, tonight was just what I needed.” They both smile and raise their beers. I walk upstairs to my room and quickly get changed into my pyjamas and brush my teeth, then hop into bed putting my mobile phone on charge. Luckily the cord is long enough so I can still use it in bed. I lay on my back with the phone on my chest just waiting. I feel nervous, like a school girl waiting for her crush to call. It’s ridiculous. I look over at the clock and right on time my phone vibrates. I lift it from my chest to see his picture. I smile and turn on my side and swipe the phone to answer it. I don’t say anything. I still can’t talk to him.

  “Hey baby, I’m so glad you answered,” he says with a pause. I think he’s waiting for me to say something. I want to, but I can’t. “So, I had another interview today. They asked me if I was taken and I said yes. I thought I’d tell you in case you read the interview and don’t understand what I mean.” My eyes widen.

  What does he mean, yes he’s taken?

  “I said that because to me, my heart still belongs to you, Lia. Every inch of me belongs to you. So, I just thought I’d let you know that if you read that I’m taken, it’s because I’m taken by you, okay?” he asks and relief washes over me. I don’t know why I’m angry with him. I can’t be with him, so why am I doing this to myself? “Dingo broke his five hundredth drumstick today, not really a good story, but he thought that must be some sort of record and you know what he’s like when he gets an idea in his head. He had the Guinness World Records on the phone and they told him that basically he had nothing and he was… well... I’m sure you get it. I told Anna that you answered my call last night. She misses you, nearly as much as I do.” I close my eyes tightly trying to stop the tears from forming, but it doesn’t work. Sweet, gorgeous Anna. I miss her so much. I sniff and wipe the tears on my cheeks. “Fuck, I made you cry again, didn’t I. God, I’m such a dick. I’m sorry baby, please don’t cry. The tour is over next month and we’re all heading back to London. Maybe you and Anna can catch up then. Maybe we… could…” I hold my breath, I don’t know why but I feel like I could burst. “Anyway I don’t want to stress you out. I hope you’re doing okay? Actually I hope you’re better than okay? I hope you’re great and happy and enjoying life because I can’t stand the thought of you being as unhappy as I am.” I think I hear him sniff as his voice sounds choked up. “I’ve written some new songs, the guys love them, seems all my best work is all about you. Can I sing you my latest one?” he says and then waits for me to either hang up or stay on the line. I chose to stay. “Okay, so here it goes,” he says and then he starts to sing to me and instantly I’m calm again. I put the phone on the pillow under my ear and I listen to all his new songs. The lyrics are beautiful. One of the songs even makes me cry, to which he then sings a more upbeat song about snogging in Paris. It makes me smile.

  The next two weeks are filled with me moping around during the day, avoiding the front door and spending every night falling asleep to the sound of his voice. I jump into bed and plug the phone into the charger and go through my usual routine of waiting with my phone on my chest until it vibrates and I see his face on the screen. I smile and slide to connect the call. Again I don’t speak.

  “Hey baby, I hope you’re having a good night. I was thinking about you earlier. Well let’s be realistic, I never stop thinking about you, but anyway I was thinking about how in two weeks I’ll be back home and I was hoping that maybe I could come and see you. I mean only if you want me to.” I sit on the other end of the phone and start to panic. My heart is outweighing my head and I really want to see him, but there’s no point, there’s no point to any of this. “Anna can come too if you don’t want to be alone with me, or Johnny or hell everyone can come if you want, or not. It can be just me if you want... now I’m babbling. You don’t have to say anything now just think about it, okay?”

  My heart gives out and my mouth opens before I can think, “Okay,” I say softly and I hear him inhale sharply.

  “Oh baby, you don’t know how good it is to hear your voice. I’ve missed it so much. I’ve missed you so much, Lia.” He sniffs like he’s crying and that makes me tear up. “Maybe tomorrow night we can talk a bit more?”

  My heart thuds and I hesitate, but say, “Okay,” and then exhale loudly.

  “You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to baby, that should last me until tomorrow. We can talk about anything you want to for as long or as little as you like, okay? We’re playing by your rules baby and I’ll do whatever you want me to,” he says making me feel better about my decision. I know Joseph would have a fit if he knew I was listening to him every night on the phone, let alone making plans to actually have a conversation with him tomorrow night. “Okay, it’s getting late. Would you like me to sing you to sleep again?” he pauses waiting for me to stay on the line or hang up.

  “Yes,” I say instead and I think I hear him sigh in relief.

  “Okay baby, you got it. Here’s one I was working on today,” he says and then starts to sing. I smile and put the phone on my pillow and my ear to the phone as usual. His voice calms my nerves, even though I know I can’t be near him. Just hearing him makes living without him almost bearable.

  I slide into bed and plug my mobile phone into the charger and rest it on my chest waiting. I look over at the clock and it goes a minute past when he normally calls. I’m feeling nervous, something feels off and I can’t put my finger on it. I keep watching the clock and five minutes passes. I pick my phone up off my chest and press the button to activate the screen, I swipe it and look to see if I have somehow missed his call, but there’s nothing. My heart starts to race and so does my brain at a million miles an hour. Somehow I let myself think that this was okay, that taking his call every night was harmless, but it’s not. I’ve come to rely on it. It’s like my little fix of him to get me through the day.

  Since I’ve been answering his calls I’ve been coping, but I feel it in my bones that I could break at any second, and it proves to me that trying to get over him will not work by hearing him sing to me every night. And maybe he’s trying to get over me and that’s why he decided that once I finally spoke to him that, that was all he needed to help him say a final goodbye. Oh God, my heart is thudding so fast as I sit up in bed and unplug the phone. I stand up and start to pace just staring at the screen, waiting for it to light up with his picture. I pace and stare for ages. I look at the clock and see half an hour has passed since he was supposed to call. A wave of nausea hits me and I have to sit down on the edge of the bed. I feel like I’m losing him all over again. I feel like I’m back to square one where I started when I left him and all the progress I’ve made is flying out the room along with my sanity. My eyes start to water and I blink rapidly trying to clear the fog so I can see the screen of my phone, but there’s nothing there. I get up and pace some more. I walk around almost in circles waiting for a call that never comes. My hate for him is intensifying with every pound of my feet against the floor. I look over at the clock and it’s an hour since he was meant to call. I was going to actually talk to him tonight. He may have been able to talk me into seeing him in two weeks but not now, now he can go to fucking hell! My blood is boiling. I bet he’s high and having some dirty threesome with his disgusting brother. He’s forgotten all about me. I talked to him finally and that was all he needed to let me go.

  Well, fuck you, Colter Slade!

  I swipe the phone and search the contacts for his number. I press dial and I can’t wait to give him a piece of my mind. I put the phone to my ear.

  “Sorry, this call cannot currently be connected.”

  “Urgh,” I scream and hang up. I’m furious. Not only is he purposely not calling me, he’s turned his phone off so I can’t call him. Undeniable grief washes over me and then is quickly replaced with an immeasurable anger.

  “Ahhh,” I yell loudly and look
down at my phone where all my anger is now tunnelled. My tears are flowing and the anger boils to the surface as I pace the floor, it explodes out of me and I throw the stupid phone at the wall, just as the bedroom light turns on and Joseph dodges out of the way of the projectile that misses his head by inches and smashes into the wall breaking into two parts. I fall in a heap on the floor and Joseph’s quickly by my side wrapping his arms around me.

  “Hey, hey, Lia. You wanna tell me why you nearly took my head off with your phone?” he asks stroking my hair as I sob into his chest.

  “He said he missed me,” I mumble through staggered breaths as my heart won’t move from my throat.

  “What? When?” Joseph asks sounding concerned, but more confused.

  “On the phone. He calls every night. He said he missed me and he wanted to see me, but it was all a lie. He’s a liar,” I sob.

  “Lia, why were you talking to him? I never heard you on the phone.”

  “I never talked, I just listened. Why did I listen to him? Why? I’m so stupid... stupid... stupid,” I say as I hit my forehead in time with the words. Joseph grabs my hand and stops me from hitting myself.

  “You’re not stupid, sweetie. You’re in love, and that’s so hard to break away from.”

  “I never talked, for three weeks I never said a thing, and then last night I said three words and agreed to talk to him tonight. An actual conversation. He said he wanted to see me. He said he missed me.”

  “Okay. So, what did he say to make you smash your phone?”

  “Nothing, he never called. I waited and waited and when I couldn’t wait anymore I rang him, but he’s turned his phone off. He was probably paying me back for leaving him. Wanted me to get my hopes up and to rely on his calls, just to shut me down and to leave me like I left him.” I cry on the floor in the arms of my best friend and he says nothing more to me. He just lets me cry until I’m half asleep and then he carries me to my bed and lays down behind me spooning me all night and comforting me until I drift off, dreaming of drowning slowly and being pulled lower and lower beneath the surface until I can’t breathe.