by Noelle Adams
It had been an answer to her prayers to hear that Ryan still loved her, but it didn’t solve their problems. He’d loved her back in college, and she’d loved him too. And they still hadn’t been able to make it work since they’d wanted such different things.
He might still love her, but that didn’t mean he trusted her enough to make a relationship work. She’d known it was a real possibility that they would end the night having to decide that this thing between them would never work because they had too much baggage between them.
So it had taken a real feat of courage for her to admit that a relationship was what she wanted, and her heart had exploded with joy when he told her that was what he wanted too.
His kiss was passionate, nakedly eager, and it matched exactly how she felt herself. She couldn’t stop kissing him, and she eventually had to slide over and straddle his lap so she could press her whole body against him.
Her blood throbbed and her head buzzed, and a pressure of arousal tightened inside her improbably soon.
When he finally broke away from her mouth, he didn’t stop kissing her. He kissed a trail down her neck, sucking on the pulse on her throat until she was moaning helplessly. It felt so good, so intimate, like he was somehow kissing her soul.
She couldn’t keep from grinding herself against him, rubbing her breasts and her groin against the hardness of his body.
“Fuck, kitten.” he gasped when her wriggling found the bulge of his erection in his jeans. “Fuck, how do you do this to me?”
It didn’t sound like he needed an answer, so she just arched against him, wanting to feel his mouth on her neck again.
Wanting to feel him everywhere.
He was pulling off her top, exposing her bare skin to the open air. He kissed his way down her breasts, suckling her nipples through the satin of her bra.
She cried out loudly at the sharp tug of pleasure. Then she couldn’t keep quiet as he kept teasing her nipples with his lips, his teeth. She was almost embarrassed by how loud and eager she sounded, but there was no way she could hold anything back.
Not from Ryan.
Not tonight.
He eventually managed to get her bra off and pull down her leggings. So when she adjusted her legs so he could get the fabric off over her feet, she was completely naked in his lap.
They were outside, but his property was big and private. She wasn’t even self-conscious.
She wanted Ryan to see her like this, feel her like this.
She wanted him to see her all the way down to her core.
He shifted his hands so he could stroke her arousal, and she made a silly sound of pleasure when two of his fingers slid inside her.
She started to move over him, riding his fingers. Her arousal was a desperate ache, and she needed to come so badly that she couldn’t wait anymore.
She bounced on his lap until the pressure tightened inside her. She knew he was watching her as she came. Her red cheeks, her mussed hair, her jiggling breasts. All of her. Nothing hidden or posed or artificial.
Just the real her.
He loved her like this. She could see it in his eyes after the pleasure broke inside her and she fell forward onto his chest, gasping and relaxing in the aftermath. He loved her exactly as she was, in the rawest form.
No man had ever wanted her like that before.
But Ryan did.
She knew it for sure.
She was pressing clumsy kisses against his neck as she relaxed in his arms. But she knew he was still aroused, still tense with how much he desired her.
“Your turn,” she mumbled, lifting her head to smile at him.
He smiled back. “Our turn.”
He moved her body, turning her over so she was lying on her back on the cushions. Then he moved over her, kissing her deep and hard.
As they kissed, she worked on his jeans until she’d managed to undo them. She reached under his underwear until she found his erection. She stroked and squeezed it until he groaned into her mouth, his body jerking tightly into her hand.
He broke the kiss and took a minute to pull off his clothes so he was as naked as she was. While he did, she grabbed her purse from the deck and pulled out a condom. She rolled it on for him before he positioned himself between her legs.
She wrapped her legs around him as he started to thrust.
He didn’t have much control. He took her hard, fast, almost rough. But it was exactly what she wanted. She held on to him with her arms and her legs, trying to keep her eyes open so she could see his face, the possessive, almost primitive blaze in his eyes.
He was grunting out words as he thrust. “Love” and “Kitten” and “Fuck” and “Love”—over and over again.
She was completely shocked when she felt another orgasm tightening inside her, and it got tighter and tighter as he braced himself above her so he could push into her even harder.
“God, Ryan,” she gasped, turning her face to the side and squeezing her eyes closed. “Gonna come. Again.”
His speed accelerated as he made a growling sound.
Then her back arched up dramatically as she let out a silent scream as all the tension shattered. Her body was clenching around him as he let out a low bellow and came too, jerking frantically against her.
“Oh fuck, kitten,” he mumbled as he started to relax on top of her. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” She was stroking his back, loving the hot weight of his body on top of her.
“You didn’t used to come from intercourse,” he said after a minute, lifting himself up so he could see her face.
She smiled at him. “I never could before, but maybe we’re better at it now.” She paused. “Maybe we’re better at a lot of things. Although I wouldn’t expect it every time.”
“We can try.”
She couldn’t help but giggle and squeeze him with her arms. “We can try.”
TWO HOURS LATER, GINNY sat up in Ryan’s bed, feeling warm and happy and deliciously sated.
Emotionally even more than physically.
She and Ryan had gone inside when she’d started to get chilly, and they’d made love again on the bed. He’d turned her over on her hands and knees and entered her from behind, reaching around so he could rub her clit at the same time. And despite her skepticism, she’d come hard and then come again. She’d been begging Ryan for more and practically sobbing, her face buried in the pillow, as he’d kept taking her slow and steady and her body had let go of any previous limits it had known before. She came a third time, and Ryan had pulled her head up by her hair so she couldn’t stifle the scream of release.
Then he’d finally let himself come too.
They’d collapsed together afterward, both of them completely worn out. And they’d dozed off for about a half hour in each other’s arms.
She was exhausted now and sore from their vigorous lovemaking, but not for the world would she have traded the feeling.
It wasn’t just the sex. It was so much more than the sex.
She couldn’t wait to tell Carol and Emma.
She and Ryan were a couple again.
Ryan blinked up at her from his pillow. “What are you grinning at?” He sounded slightly groggy. He’d gotten even less sleep than she had last night.
“Just happy,” she admitted. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Me either,” he admitted. “You’re going to spend the night, aren’t you?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. Nan might be waiting up. She said she’d be praying for us, and I want to make sure she knows we worked things out.”
“Yeah, but you could call her, couldn’t you?” He was sitting up, looking slightly reluctant. “You really don’t want to spend the night?”
She was surprised by his continued question, and she searched his face for an explanation. “Is it that important? I still live with Nan, and I left her alone last night. I don’t really want to leave her alone a second night.”
Ryan just looked a
t her, and she suddenly saw something in his face.
Something that made her lose her breath.
Her voice was slightly hoarse as she said slowly, “Don’t you think we should take things kind of slow? I know we’ve loved each other forever, but we’re kind of starting over here. Right?”
The warm pleasure she’d seen on his face since they’d first kissed earlier had transformed into something else, something wary. Almost foreboding. “I think we’re pretty far past the beginning,” he said.
“Yeah. Of course. I just meant... you didn’t really think I’d be moving in with you soon or anything, did you?”
It was almost a full minute before he replied in a low, thick voice, “I didn’t think it was impossible. I thought this was serious.”
“Yes, it’s serious. It’s as serious as it can get! But it’s been years since we’ve been a couple. I didn’t think we’d jump right into... into everything.”
She could see from his face that he had thought that. He’d believed they would jump right into everything.
And now because she’d thought something different, he was starting to doubt all of it.
He thought they were back where they’d been in college—him wanting it all and her trying desperately to slow them down without letting go of everything.
One conversation and some really good sex hadn’t taken care of all their problems.
It hadn’t even started.
It had just brought them right to the surface again.
“Ryan, please,” she whispered. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not holding back. I love you more than anything, and there’s no one else in the world I want. I just... Can’t we take a little time to get used to each other again.”
“Yes, we can take some time.”
She swallowed hard. “I know you’re saying that, but you don’t look like you mean it. You look like you’re expecting me to bolt at any moment.”
“Is there some reason I shouldn’t feel like you might? I know you, Ginny. I’ve always known you. Just because you want this now doesn’t mean you’re not going to get scared in a few days, a few weeks, a few months. And I need you to tell me right now that you’re not going to do it, or I just can’t risk my heart again.”
She stared at him, his face blurring slightly as her eyes burned. “Ryan.”
“If you can’t promise me, Ginny, then I can’t do this.”
“I can promise you that I want everything with you—eventually—but I don’t think it’s smart for us to jump into the deep water right away.” She took a couple of breaths and rubbed at her face, trying to think clearly, trying to say the right thing, trying to finally be smart. “Ryan, I need for you to trust me.”
He just looked at her, something sad and broken in his eyes.
“You don’t.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Because she could see it so clearly.
He might love her, but he didn’t trust her. He didn’t think she was capable of being genuinely faithful—not in the long-term. He thought she was too damaged and that she would never heal.
If Ryan—who knew and loved her better than almost anyone—believed that about her, then it was probably true.
Sometimes damage was too great to heal.
She swallowed again, reining in the wail of anguish at what was happening—so soon after she’d believed she finally had it all—and she got out of the bed, reaching down onto the floor for her clothes.
“You’re leaving?” Ryan asked as she got dressed.
She nodded. “I love you, Ryan, but you don’t trust me. So this is never going to work.”
He didn’t say anything.
Part of her was screaming at him to stop her, to get out of bed, to pull her into his arms and say that he did trust her, that they could work this out, that everything would be okay.
But he didn’t do that.
He just watched her as she pulled her clothes on and then slid on her shoes.
“I’m sorry,” Ginny said, finally meeting his eyes again. She didn’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry too.” His voice was thick and raspy. He didn’t get up out of the bed.
With a long sigh, she turned around. Put one foot in front of the other. Finally reached the bedroom door.
She glanced back once to look at him, but he still hadn’t moved.
It was the way it was.
Some things just weren’t meant to be.
Some lovers were star-crossed, doomed from the beginning, and no attempts on their part could ever change it.
Ginny was going to have to accept that this was true.
At last.
Ten
Ryan watched Ginny walk away and knew with a sinking weight in his gut that it was over at last.
They’d tried.
They’d given it a shot.
But they couldn’t change who they were or what had happened in the past, and Ginny was right.
If he couldn’t trust her not to leave him, then what hope did they have for the future?
He felt too bleak to close his eyes—dreading what he’d see if he did—and too exhausted to curse or cry or otherwise express this despair.
Needing a distraction—any sort of distraction—he reached for his phone.
He’d gotten a new text message while he and Ginny had been having sex.
It was Patrick.
Time to man up.
He stared at the words for a full minute, breathing heavily.
Then he finally moved the screen back to the previous messages.
Be brave.
Don’t be a chicken ass.
Time to man up.
Don’t you think it’s time for you to grow up a little, his mother had said a couple of weeks ago.
All his friends and family were telling him the exact same thing.
He was being a coward. He was afraid of being hurt again, and so he wasn’t willing to take a risk—even a risk he wanted as much as he wanted Ginny.
And he wanted her more than anything.
What kind of man was he if he didn’t even have courage enough to take what he wanted, to trust her now—so many years after she’d hurt him before.
He dropped the phone and rolled out of bed, scrambling to his feet so fast he almost twisted his ankle. He was just wearing his underwear, but he couldn’t take the time to put on any clothes. He ran to the front door barefoot and threw it open, knowing as he did that too much time had already passed.
Ginny would already be gone.
“Ginny!” he called, running down the front walk so he could see where the driveway curved into a wooded area that blocked the house from the main road.
He didn’t see her car.
In final desperation, he shouted at the top of his lungs, the way he had last night on the downtown street. “Ginny!”
“Ryan?”
He jumped in surprise at the soft, wondering voice behind him. He literally jumped as he turned around.
Ginny was getting out of her car, which was still parked in the normal place in front of the garage. He hadn’t even looked over to see it there.
It looked like she’d been crying, but her expression was filled with a strange calm he’d never seen before. Not on her face.
“I thought you were gone,” he said stupidly, wondering what she must have thought of him bellowing out her name that way.
“I wasn’t. I was just sitting in the car, thinking.”
“I was thinking too,” he told her, striding over so he was standing in front of her, his feet scratched slightly on the pavement. “Ginny, I—”
“Let me finish,” she broke in, still wearing that strangely calm look. “Because I’m the one who needs to... I was just sitting there thinking that I’m doing what I always do. I’m using any excuse I can to make a run for it. This time the excuse is that you don’t seem to trust me as much as I want you to. But I’m not sure how I can expect anything else. I did leave you before. I did hurt you. And I know the
re are going to be consequences.”
Ryan stared, barely breathing as Ginny paused and squared her shoulders.
“So I guess what I’m saying now is that I don’t think it’s reason enough for us to not be together. You do need to learn to trust me again, but I think you will. In time. We’re both still growing and changing, and I think we can do that together. I kept looking for us to go through some sort of miracle transformation the way Noah seemed to when he got together with Emma. But that doesn’t always happen. And even with him, it was a process. So maybe it can be a process for us too. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to leave. You don’t have to trust me completely right now. I still want...” She swallowed so hard he saw it in her throat. “I still want us to be together.”
Ryan couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move.
He literally couldn’t move.
Ginny had evidently finished, and now she dropped her eyes almost shyly and then slanted them up to him again. “That’s it. I’m finished. You can... you can talk now.”
Everything that had been clenched inside him shattered at the same time. He groaned and pulled her into his arms. “Kitten, this was my fault. I was just scared. But I can trust you. I will trust you. I can be brave enough to take that risk if it means I can finally have you.”
She gasped and pulled away from his chest enough to look up into his face. “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously.” He smiled down on her. “Are you really so surprised that I’m not always a chicken ass?”
She giggled, sounding just a little hysterical. “That’s got to be Noah.”
“It is. He told me not to be a chicken ass since that was exactly what I was being. And Carol told me to be brave, and even Patrick told me to man up.”
“Patrick did? I thought he was trying to stay out of the soap opera.”
Ryan gave a little shrug, so filled with emotion that it was impossible for him to process it, much less try to express it. “I thought so too. But I guess he thought I needed the push.”
Ginny was still giggling a little, but her face sobered as she reached up to put both hands on his shoulders. “So... so we’re really going to do this?”
“Yes. We’re really going to do this. I love you. I’m going to trust you. And we can take things as slow as you want. We can just date at first. We don’t even have to have sex again until—”
