I no longer felt the high of the adrenaline that last night’s fight brought and cushioned the blow. Now, I was only left with the dire feelings of regret as I emotionally fell downward into the reality of my personal hell.
I have to fix this. I have to find Ray and apologize to him for the words I’d spewed at him.
It was true; I had become the new poster child for co-dependency.
I wanted to hurt him so bad last night but I should have known better. Ray was invincible and all of the hurt that I forced out of my body had, as usual, bounced off of him and ricocheted back into me, causing catastrophic psychological damage. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable and the walls in the room seemed to be closing in on me.
Where the hell were my pills?
I jumped out of bed and ran to the window to check the driveway. I had slept in too late, Ray’s Jaguar was gone. Rene must have posted his bail and now he had disappeared out of my life for good.
I held my breath, hoping to stop the tears from falling as I realized I had probably blown my only chance of ever seeing him again.
Sure, we’d had innumerable fights in our past, but none like this one. My insides screamed at me that this time was different. This time our breakup was real.
Reaching up, I touched my re-stitched forehead and realized I even had the wounds to prove it. Just like the song in my mind before I had met Adrian, I now carried the battle scars of Ray and our toxic relationship, not only on the inside but on the outside, as well.
Still refusing to accept defeat, I took off like a banshee, flying down the stairs like a zombie ghost completely out of control. I collided with Chrissy, sending us both on our bottoms.
“Jesus, Sidney, watch where you're going.”
“Ray!” I shouted incoherently. “How long ago did he leave?”
Without waiting for an answer, I grabbed my cell phone and began punching in his number.
“I’m sorry but the subscriber you’ve reached does not accept calls from this number.”
“What?” I yelled to nobody in particular.
“I said that I went to change Emmy’s bedpan and by the time I got done his car was already gone,” Chrissy explained.
I redialed the number, this time slowly and precisely, making sure I entered every number perfect. I got the same recording.
Unable to believe what was happening, I logged onto my Facebook account to instant message him but I couldn’t access his page. There was a message saying that this user had blocked my account. Damn.
After spending the next five minutes thumbing through every social media site available, I finally came to the realization that this was not some technical glitch. Ray had intentionally blocked me from all forms of communication.
“No. No. No. No. No,” I chanted trying to will all of this away.
Using my shaky hands to stuff my phone back into my pocket, I wondered again where my pills where. My head was throbbing as I refused to acknowledge the truth about what was unfolding.
“When did you change Granny’s bedpan?” I screamed at Chrissy.
She cowered in front of me, shrugging. “I don’t know, like fifteen minutes ago.”
I had one more trick up my sleeve before this became completely hopeless. Racing into the kitchen, I grabbed my truck keys and a pill bottle Chrissy must have left out while preparing Granny’s breakfast. I opened the bottle and dropped a couple down my throat, then stuffed the bottle into my pocket next to my phone as I rationalized, I’m sure Granny won’t mind if I borrow a couple of her meds.
Careening down the street in my truck, I skidded to a halt in front of Ray’s parents’ house. I didn’t see the Jaguar but maybe Teresa would at least have a lead as to the whereabouts of her son.
Taking a few quick breaths and realizing that the yoga-style of breathing was not helping my nerves one iota, I grabbed Granny’s container and threw another pill into my mouth before I stepped out of the truck.
After I pounded on the door several times, it finally swung open. Kendall stood with her arms crossed, peering at me through her steel gray eyes. “Wow, you have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did to my brother.”
I swallowed her insult down with a side of Granny’s pills as I shouted to myself: Why in the hell are these things taking so long to kick in? Go away pain.
Finally, the medication began to kick in.
With renewed confidence I shouted at her, “Shut up, Kendall, and get your fucking mom!”
As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back but it was too late. Teresa heard the obscene way I had just spoken to her youngest daughter and I didn’t know if it was Teresa’s look of contempt or the effects of the medication, but suddenly I felt the earth moving under my feet and I gripped the door frame to stop from being sucked into the vortex that was opening up in front of me. I looked over at Teresa to see if she had felt the shift in the earth but both she and Kendall were gaping at me like I was Hulk Hogan’s tag team partner.
“Raymond,” Teresa yelled.
Oh thank God, Ray is still here. I knew he wouldn’t leave me like this.
I felt his set of strong arms as they gripped my waist and guided me towards the family suburban.
“Where's your Jaguar, babe?” I asked Ray.
“Honey, I’m Ray Senior and we’re going to get you to a hospital as fast as we can. Hang in there, okay?”
I couldn’t get the dopey smile off my face as I closed my eyes and floated towards the suburban. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me, Ray. I love you.”
***
For the second time in a week I woke up in a hospital bed. Only this time, it wasn’t Ray’s hand gripping mine but his diminutive mother’s.
“Teresa?” I creaked.
My throat was so dry and pasty. I went to lick my chapped lips but my tongue held no moisture to spare. Ray’s mother saw my discomfort and quickly poured me a cup full of water. I graciously accepted it as I gulped it down in two swallows.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked gently.
I nodded my head, still a little confused as to why I was in the hospital again. Then Dr. Kyle walked in.
“Good afternoon, Sidney. I must say that I’m flattered you keep finding ways to visit me, but I’d much rather visit you over lemonade at the house.”
I was completely disoriented. “How did I get here?”
Teresa responded, “Ray and I brought you. Have you forgotten that?”
I tried to sit up. “Ray’s here? Where is he? I have to see him!”
“Settle down, Sidney. There’s really no need to get all worked up now, is there?” The doctor chuckled.
Teresa looked on somberly. “Ray Senior and I took you here.”
The way she said Senior gave me all the validation I needed.
Ray Senior had brought me here. She had said that with a bit of contempt as if the thought of her own son admitting me would be completely ludicrous.
At her statement, I realized that Ray was back in L.A. and that I would likely not be seeing him in the near future, if ever. That one sentence was all my body needed to accelerate the shaking of my hands and the aching of my head. Reaching up, I touched my mutilated forehead. My body seemed to be falling apart, joining my wounded heart in the process.
Dr. Kyle added insult to injury. “It seems you must have accidently taken your grandmother’s prescription, believing it to be your own.”
Great, now I’m stupid too?
The perks of your doctor being the parent of your best friend, he never suspected I did these types of things intentionally.
“Um, yeah, I must have.”
Maybe I was stupid after all.
“Not to worry. Mrs. Ryker found the bottle in your pocket and so we were able to identify the pills you’d ingested. They were just some heavy sedatives so you may feel a bit groggy but other than that you will survive, Sidney.”
The doctor checked his beeper as a page came in. “Just make sure
my daughter does a better job separating the two prescriptions next time, okay?”
I nodded my head as Dr. Kyle tightened his cheek muscles and flexed out a smile before leaving the room; inadvertently leaving me and my ex-boyfriend’s mother alone.
“Is Ray really gone?”
Teresa tried to be as gentle as possible when she replied that we really shouldn’t be discussing her son at the moment but no amount of sugar could coat that insult. She was shutting me out of her life the same way Ray had.
Of course she was blaming me for the entire incident of what had happened last night. I’m sure that Ray told his mother only part of the story, letting her know that he had caught me intimately close to another man, and conveniently leaving out the part about his relationship with Lilly. I opened my mouth to tell Teresa the truth of her son but for some reason, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break it to the poor woman that her precious boy was a serial cheater. Ray had broken enough hearts, and the last thing I wanted was for him to hurt his mother the way he had hurt me. So I allowed her to go on thinking he was a devoted humanitarian who had been emotionally devastated by his heartless girlfriend. Why not? I was sure that Ray would write a song about it and all of his fans would sympathize with the poor boyfriend.
My god, how pathetic was that?
I was discharged from the hospital and Teresa was nice enough to give me a ride home. She never once mentioned the plans on Sunday to speak to Father Renley about scheduling my baptism, so I guess I was off the hook on that score. We gave each other a detached hug and parted ways.
***
The month of May passed in a blur. Mostly I slept because being awake was too painful and when I was awake I downed a couple of pills to take away the edge and then went back to bed.
Eating was a whole issue in itself. Chrissy tried her best to nurture me meal-wise, and if I wasn’t so depressed I would have thought it comical to see her running about the kitchen in high heels and an apron looking like a 1950’s housewife.
She practiced various recipes and they all seemed to look delicious. Surprisingly, the material girl had a natural talent in the kitchen. But I refused the food because food provided my body with the nourishment I needed to sustain life. But at that time in my life, living was the hardest thing for me to do.
As a result, I refused the food. This was followed by periods of ravenous hunger and several trips to the toilet when I vomited like a rabid dog. My body was all screwed up.
In the end, Chrissy threatened to hook me up to an IV, or even worse, call her dad if I didn’t eat. So I finally got my diet into a healthy mode again but the emotional pain continued to rack my soul. Ray and I together were forever gone.
He was back in L.A. and swiftly becoming the famous rock star that he’d always dreamed of while I remained a small town girl working in a grocery store. He had erased me completely from his life. Ray’s fans had more access to him than I did. I knew I wouldn’t get a second chance.
I was in a world of pain. I wanted it all to stop.
And then one day it seemed that it did. I went to bed one night telling myself I had to get through this. I had to go on and live my life, even if it meant one day at a time. Even if I had to do it by focusing on just the moment. That morning I woke up and the oxygen seemed to have returned to my lungs. I didn’t feel like staying in bed anymore. It was as if I realized that I was still a living, breathing human being and I had a future beyond my bed sheets. Miraculously, I felt different.
It’s hard to explain the feeling I had because inside, I was emotionally dead. Maybe it was because I had swallowed so many pain killers they had transported my senses into a permanent numbing effect on my body.
I slowly exited my bedroom, but instead of heading down the stairs, I made a right turn and entered the back bedroom. It was the same bedroom where Nouri had stored all of Ray’s belongings from his parents’ house. I let out a sigh of relief when I opened the door and noticed immediately that his things were still there. It had been a month and I really couldn’t have blamed Chrissy if she had just decided to trash it all, like a fresh start without the painful past.
I silently hoped, Maybe he will come back after all.
Maybe I would regain my comatose emotions along with his return. The crazy thought was in my mind before I had time to defuse it.
I knelt down beside one of the boxes and opened it up. It was Ray’s old collection of CDs. Since everything was now stored on his media player it really wasn’t necessary for him to come back to collect his priceless music.
The first one I spotted was an album by Bush. I swear this band was haunting me. It wasn’t even like their music was still relevant today. I couldn’t remember the last time they made a worthwhile album. As a matter of fact, I never cared much for any of their songs, but I know that Ray loved them in high school.
Gavin Rossdale was his idol and he was the main reason Ray had gotten into music in the first place. I had always just assumed he envied the fact that Gavin married the hottest girl in showbiz. What guy wouldn’t dream to do the same?
I snatched up the CD and put it into the stereo on top of the old spare dresser. Amping up the volume as loud as it could go, I opened the second box which contained some old clothing. I picked up an old Unspoken Words t-shirt. It was the very first band shirt they had designed.
What a memory.
Ray and Finn ordered a bunch of the shirts on some cheap, design-it-yourself website. They ordered twenty shirts and had Chrissy and I run the merchandise booth at the local Veteran’s Hall downtown. That was the same night Chrissy and I knew that the band was special. The shirts sold out before their first song had ended.
I brought the shirt to my face and inhaled it. It still smelled like Ray. Absentmindedly, I put the oversized shirt on over my disheveled top and wrapped myself in his memory, of a time when things were so much easier between us. I lay down on the soft carpet and waited for the tears to spill. But nothing followed. It was like my cheeks were a dried up riverbed.
I heard the phrase again. Is that all you have to offer?
Ray’s final words to me burned into my mind. He was so hateful that last night and he meant everything he said. He was probably in Lilly’s arms right now as I lay wrestling with my emotions.
I felt as if Gavin wrote this song specifically for Ray and me when he sang the song about treating his loved one poorly and getting his face bruised. Isn’t that exactly what happened between Ray and me? Sometimes revenge can be sweet. I hope he enjoyed performing to a crowd full of people with a black eye caused by a runaway cell phone.
Amazingly, it sounded like Gavin’s relationship was just as toxic as mine and Ray’s.
The door swung open and I looked up to see Chrissy. She was standing above me wearing a sleeveless navy dress with a fold over collar decorated with three golden buttons. She almost looked like a sexy airplane stewardess from the fifties. The blue and orange scarf helped promote that imagery.
She strode over to the stereo and pressed the power button and glared at me.
“Sidney, while I’m ecstatic that you made it out of bed this morning, you look atrocious. What in the hell are you doing?”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and again was surprised to find they were dry. I attempted to sit up straight but before I could get a word out of my mouth. Chrissy lit into me.
“I’m not going to allow you to wallow in self-pity over that asshole. How can you still be wrapped up in him? Look at your forehead, Sidney. If Dave wasn’t there to protect you, there’s no telling what he would have done. Good riddance that he’s finally gone.”
Thankfully my stitches were the dissolvable kind and didn’t require a follow-up doctor’s visit because there was no way I could have gone out in public. I hadn’t been anywhere in over a month. Luckily Chrissy talked her dad into writing a doctor’s note which excused me from work but it didn’t excuse my abrupt departure from Adrian’s life.
I hadn’t seen him s
ince the night we watched The Great Gatsby together. I felt terrible for disappearing out of his life like that. I wondered if he was still around or if he was now back home in New Jersey.
I didn’t bother arguing with Chrissy. In my heart of hearts I knew she was right. I forced myself off the ground and told her I was going to take a shower and asked if she thought Bob would let me go back to work today. She agreed it was the best idea I’d had in a long time and then she headed downstairs to check on Granny.
I went into my room to make the phone call to Bob. He was ecstatic. Apparently, he was going through the whole, “three’s a crowd in a line,” thing and asked if I could come in within the next thirty minutes. Hanging up the phone, I began to shuffle through the closet in search of my work uniform.
That’s when I saw Ray’s failed attempt to salvage our relationship and I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes from it. My beautiful dress was stuffed in the back of the closest, crumbled and dingy, reminding me of my own feelings at that moment.
Before exiting the room, I grabbed my laptop. Some things may have been better left alone but it just wasn’t in my nature to live in blissful ignorance. I typed Ray’s name in the search bar.
My suspicions were correct as I read the update on him. Ray had done just as he’d promised. Rene had posted his bail and put him on the next available flight back to L.A. but not before the media had gotten hold of the story.
I sat at my computer reading the story from the Alternative Post website. There were two separate pictures side by side: The first one being Ray’s mug shot, black eye and all. The second photo was of myself, sitting in the back of the ambulance as a trail of blood flowed down my head.
Between Loves (The Pendant Series Book 2) Page 9
